Topic : 03/14 Overprotective Moms

I think children should be thought how to speak to strangers. Just saying blankly "do not speak with strangers" is wrong. What if a child get lost or finds them self in a situation and needs help...the only thing to do is to ..talk to a stranger..I came to realize this when the school bus let my son out at the wrong bus stop ..1 mile away..2 days into the school year..We had just move  to a  Florida one month. A very kind lady saw that he was distress ask him if she can help on he refused to speak to her or any one else trying to help him and proceeded to walk down a busy road with no side walk to get away from..these strangers..trying to help him..because of my words (do not speak with strangers). Luckly I was waiting for him at the correct bus stop and when he did not get off the bus a small child told me what happen and  

I found him on the highway walking home. 

As a result of this ..I had to break it down for him and teach him about trusting his guts and checking out people and trying to develop some guts instincts.. 

You seem to be angry at the whole world!, if you have agreed to be on a show then you can expect people to give THEIR opinnion and thoughts on the matter. 

You want to control everything, what makes you think that if someone does not have children of their own that they cannot "give advice", even these people were once children themselves and might just know first hand what it is like to live with an overprotective parent. Because you have a child(children) does not make you the most qualified person in the world, and I suggest that you stop being so rude to people on this board who are genuinly only trying to help and perhaps help you  see your situation from another angle. 

Yes, I do have a child and I am aware of the dangers and also fear things like most parents do, but I realise that I do not want my son to grow up the way I did, fearing everything and anything. Because my mother by being 'overprotective' ensured that her state of mind was at peace, while I could not enjoy a normal childhood but waited for the day when I would be 'grown up'  and free. That is not a happy childhood and one that I wish for my son. You are already afraid of your manner towards your daughter (otherwise you would not have been on the show)?, so as others respect your problem fully I suggest you don't vent in such a negative way. 

 I was brought to the USA when I was 8 weeks old. My mom is from Spain< my dad TX. When I was 4 I was taken from the corner store, by someome that always came to my parents BAR. Lucky for me the police found me just in time, he was just about to rape me ( I still remember, I can still remember the shack he took me to). My mom said it never happened, but my dad made sure he never got out of prison ( when I got older I asked him, he couldn't believe I remembered). My parents divorced when I was 5. My mom remarried a man who molested me till I was almost  10,  when I told my mom she did nothing ( my grandma took me to the police). I was taken to juvenille hall and then foster care, they said she had to divorce him ( can you believe she didn't want to, until the court told her I wanted to go live with my dad).  When I went back to my mom she never let me go to friends house for sleepovers, but I didn't have to go anywere for something to happen becuz my brother started to molest me.   When I was 18 I ran away from home, I got married and tried to stay away from her, but she was my mom. Last year I found out my neice ( that my mom adopted when she and her older brothers were abondoned by my brother and  there mom) that her dad had been molesting her, when she told my mother didn't believe her. I have a wonderful 22 year old daughter and a great 19 year old son, you would think that after everything that happened to me I would be so protective. I wanted my kids to have a life and they did. That was then now I'm 46 and I have a 4 year old boy, the world he is growing up in is very differant, he has never been to a babysitter, I won't even let his dad watch him ( different dad then older kids) . 

I just wanted to say that a stranger down the road doesn't always end up being the one who hurts your child. 

I never prepared my daughter for her abuser to be someone she knew. I never had given a thought that her X-step-dad of 10-11 years woudl be the one who hurt her. 

I think as parents we owe it to our children to teach them how to protect themselves not just "watch them 24/7" 

I wish I coudl go back years and teach my daughter the lessons that she had to leanr on her own because she didn't know what her XSD was doing was wrong. She thought it was "love" 

PLEASE PLEASE talk to your kids and teach them, not preach and make it so they do not want to talk to you or tell. I always thought my daughter woudl tell me but when it came down to it, she at first thought it was normal and then once she realized it wasn't she was afraid I woudln't believe her. 

LISTEN and be there for your kids. DO NOT smother them. They will resent you in the end. 

Tammy 

I have a problem with your statement about medication and therapy? Didn't Dr. PHil ask you if you get help?  I have post traumatic stress disorder from being abused as a child and I take medication and have weekly therapy to help me cope. When doctor Phil said you needed help with your PTSD I didn't hear you tell him no you didn't, so why say that on this board? 

Just wondering... I also agree that since you agreed to go on his show, I believe 2 times, you will hear lots of oppinions from both sides of the fence. 

I was raised by a controlling father and at the age of 30 I HAD no othe roption but to cut him out of my life completely. I didn;t talk to him AT ALL for over a year and now that I am talking to him I have set very rigid boundries... he is not allowed in my home whatsoever and out telelphone conversations go as far as how the weather is. All he knows about me at any given time is whether I am cold or hot. I had to do this so not to be controlled anymore.  Remember that next time you try to keep your very well behaved child from hanging out with her friends. I hope she doesn't end up resenting you the way I hate and resent my father and mother for letting it happen to me. 

JMO 

Since I'm neither a doctor, nor a social worker I cannot say that the girls that I speak of have PTSD. What I can say is that I observed behaviors consistent with trying to quiet something internally. Most of the girls had mediocre communication skills, and virtually no support from adult role models. After class I may sit and visit with a client and chitchat. These kids can tell sincerity and someone who listens, and when they find it they speak and want to be heard.  A few whom I spoke with always had fresh cuts on their arms and scarring of previous such cuts. When I asked why, they seemed as perplexed by it as I did. "I don't know", one said, "I just get to thinkin that way and I can't help myself."

The mothers we saw on the show both had traumas that shook their mental foundations. Both traumas surrounded personal and maternal loss.  Both mothers had their trust breached to a degree that caused them to protect themselves from feeling or thinking that way again.

In all three cases, avoidance was used to mentally survive.  We can dissociate, cut ourselves repeatedly, or we can control our surroundings to meet our needs. We can self medicate, work too much, eat too much, etc.. Bottom line is this.  All of those described must go back to the acute point of trauma and deal with it.  Then we must deal with all the layers of anxiety that have grown out of 'protecting ourselves from PTSD'. I have been unable to find someone to help me. I have found someone to help me with the symptoms. catchesfsh

It is sometimes terrifying for parents when their kids are out of our sight or control. :-) Just have to do our best to make sure we teach our kids what to do and what not to do to keep themselves safe. Let them take each step toward maturity and we can go cry in the car. It does get easier as they demonstrate they have in fact listened to what we've tried to teach them. 

I am curious how long your daughter was lost at the aquarium only because my son was lost at Seaworld, San Diego when he was 8 and a KMart when he was 4. He did exactly what I'd instructed him to do if he ever got lost which was to find a lady that worked there, a grandma or a mom with kids 'cause she sure wouldn't want more. It was a horrible thing to have to tell him not to ask a male stranger since more often than not it's guys that hurt kids, awful thing to have to tell a boy. May have been easier for me to bounce back since he is a boy and I'd worked in a mall where I was always taking kids back to their moms (might have been the invisible "softtouch" the kids always seemd to see written on my forehead *sigh*) 

I can't say I blame you for being concerned about the molesters in your neighborhood, could you perhaps just watch her until she's past their homes and at her friends front door, have the other girls parents agree to do the same? 

My heart goes out to you, it is hard to let go but it is part of our job as parents. Very best of wishes to you.