Topic : 03/14 Overprotective Moms

When I was growing up my mother was as controlling and overly concerned as Ashlee's mother. She continued this throughout all of my childhood and teen years, during my tries at going away to college and finally throughout my marriage up until her death in late 1999. The end results were that when she died I was SO relieved to be done with her that I have yet to miss her for more than an idealized moment of thinking - "Mom would have enjoyed this." then reality kicks in and reminds me what she would have been actually been like and I remember how bad it was just like it was yesterday.  

I was unable to have friends, go places, see things, participate in any social events, belong to any groups, go away to college, or hold a job because of her constant interference. She made life impossible. I wanted more than anything to study history and become a college history professor or an archeologist. I was terrific at history and at school but because of her inabillity to let go and let me pursue my goals without making my life impossible the two times I attempted to go away to college she ruined it for me by calling almost hourly, coming to see me constantly, checking up on me and never giving me a chance to breathe - much less study so I quit in frustration and  I ended up working in a business owned by a family friend who understood my mother's situation (whom I later married because he was the only man who was able to love me and be patient with my mother).  

Thank God that my dear patient, sweet, understanding, funny husband kept me from going completely around the bend (and on at least one occasion kept me from going over to her house and strangling her) and stood by me, helping me see how ill she was, helping me to care for her and do my duty as her only child, and helping me to keep a sense of perspective through sixteen years of our marriage before she died. Because of her neurotic behavior I also didn't dare have a child because I could only see her sickness getting worse once I added a baby or two into the transaction. 

Long story short - because of her illness/selfishness I gave up my dreams of an education, a career, and children and lived a narrow, tired, resentful life until she died and saddest of all - once she died I missed her not one bit! If you want to insure that your children feel the way I do - continue down the road of overprotection and control and you too can be unmourned and unmissed after you die!  

If you want your child/children to become all they are capable of becoming, if you want them to fulfill their dreams and potential don't trap them in this sick cycle of your fear and fright and need to control. If instead what you want is angry, resentful, children who feel that you crushed their dreams and who will be SO relieved the day you die than by all means - go ahead and continue down your same path - only don't be surprised when you lose their love and when they are finally done with you that they hold very few if any memories that aren't tainted with anger and resentment over what you caused to happen in their lives as a result of YOUR problems. 

Finally Dr. Phil has a show on this topic of parental overprotectivness. I grew up with a single mother and a younger brother. My parents divorced when I was only 4. My brother was only a baby. I remember not being allowed to make other friends, but I did at school, and my mother would grill me about them. I felt I grew up naive in a way because of the limited social contact. In my preteens I went to an private catholic school, which I hated. The kids there were worse than public schook kids, and my ties were broken with my old school friends. In my teens I was never taught about money, and when my classmates had checking accounts I thought I was missing out on something. I asked my mom about it and she just laughed saying she was not a bank and a single mom. She never really taught me about money, my grandmother did. My mother was never really good on financial matters. She has a champagne taste and a beer budget. She grew up in a mansion but when she married my dad, he didn't have alot of money. My mom felt she had to interview all my friends later, and especially my dates. After awhile, guys stopped calling because my mom intimidated them. I guess she thought she had to make up for not having a dad around. My poor brother felt suffocated by all women in the family. He started to become real rebellious in his early teens. My mom couldn't focus on the both of us, so after awhile I could get away with going out and being with my friends, and going on dates without her knowing it. She is such a worry wort. I wish they had Paxil back then. 

Now I am older, and my relationship with my mother is good. We are close, but I have my own life. She still is a worry-wort, but I did have to put up some boundaries. I remember when I had my first real full-tim job she called me up to tell me to be carefule not to make typos and errors. I told her that she was going over her boundary and that it was my business. She felt a bit miffed, but she never did it again. My mother is always suspicous of things. She will always think the worse of somebody. I tell her that she is paranoid sometimes, and that it is no way to lead her life. She has had hard times taking care of her mother (which I helped too), and when my grandmother died it was very hard on her. I think now that that is passed, she has let go on some things, realizing that life is short and to enjoy what you have and to have fun. Up until that she was quite a square.  When you are uptight you can't have any fun. 

When your parent(s) is being overprotective, you tell them you appreciate their concern, but you have to learn for yourself sometimes, and set boundaries and call them on it if he or she steps out of line. Most of which is understanding and respect on both sides. 

I pray everyday for my mom's life and happiness, and our good relationship together.  

Your daughter is not allowed to date until she is 16... why? 

Innocent dates that happen earlier help kids to set boundaries before there is too much pressure to have a physical relationship. My son "dated" his longtime best friend when he was 12 and he came home upset because she wanted him to hold her hand. He felt very comfortable talking to us about it and they both seemed relieved when we explained they could be friends without dating too. He had another "girlfriend" a year later which was abruptly ended when she expected him to pay for the movie they went to see.  

These baby steps allowed him and us to have a lot of conversation long before he was at an age to not want us to have any comments about his dates. He's 18 now and managed to get there without entering into a serious enough relationship to have had sex. I think that happened because he was able to talk to us about anything instead of sneaking around. Of his large group of friends, there was only 1 teen pregnancy and it was the daughter of a church elder who only allowed her to be in the company of girl friends. She sneaked around behind his back and was too afraid to go to get birth control in case her dad would find out.  

Your 15 yr. old is getting the message from you that her sexuality is completely out of her control. It rests in your hands and in the hands of her boyfriend. You monitor phone calls and read her e-mail... she knows you do this so what are the chances you'll learn anything this way? It's guaranteed to make her angry and resentful and if she hasn't done anything wrong up till now, I'm sure she'll figure out a way to live down to your expectations.  

You've more than likely created a climate of lying and deception with the lack of privacy or trust you've given your children. Trust is a very large weapon in the hands of a parent. If given freely, a child will be much less likely to betray it but if it's withheld, a child will likely prove you right.  

If my child was with a group of friends I didn't like or trust, I would talk to them about it and try to divert them to other interests but my son is a level headed kid and his friends are wonderful. His best friend is in a punk rock band and looks like something from every parent's nightmare but he's incredibly funny and sensitive and once you get past the look of him, you can see that he's a very good influence.  

I should say that my kids were "the only ones" in their class with an iron clad bed time, they must call if they expect to be home late and they eat their vegetables. Friends always tell me how lucky I am to have such well behaved boys but they are also the children who are trusted to do "whatever and go wherever" but they cherish that trust and have yet to break it.  

I had an overprotective mother and I think it did play on my confidence too. It was hard for her to let go. Not that I am older, married I have my own life, and I see that my timidness was rediculous and would get me nowhere, I am more confident. Parents must let children experience things in life. If they don't, the child will experience it later anyways, and it will look childish too, but it is a process all kids must go through. They need to let their kids be social, and to make friends, because it is important for us adults to form relationships and to gain trust. My mom didn't trust me, and always grilled me and my brother about everything.  

 I was shy, never wanted to go to places alone, like the movies or a restaurant.  After a time, I realized how this overprotectiveness affected me and I had a revelation that I can change that and be more outgoing and not be afraid. 

I saw the previews and I was expecting you to be completely overboard, but I don't think you are.  Dr. Phil seemed to dismiss the fact that there are two sex offenders in your neighborhood.  That's kind of serious.  I wouldn't let my kids out of sight either.   I have little ones still they don't go in the fenced backyard without me. I don't think I'll let them walk to school or ride the bus when they start school.  We live about two blocks from school and I see young kids walking by themselves and I think it's scary.  I can't imagine letting a 14year old ride the bus to the mall.  I do think it's funny you don't trust your husband though!