Message Boards

Topic : 10/14 "Kick 'em to the Curb!"

Number of Replies: 253
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, October 07, 2005, 03:44:27 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

How do you know when it's time to kick that relationship to the curb? Dr. Phil's first guest is four months pregnant with her boyfriend's baby. He wants her to leave him alone, and she wants to know if she should let go of the relationship.What does Dr. Phil think? Next, Dr. Phil follows-up with two women whose marriages were in crisis. Sheila's husband, Steve, was a raging alcoholic. She would beat him when he was drunk, almost killing him. Did she take Dr. Phil's advice? And where is Steve now? Then, Michelle was living a cycle of abuse at the hands of her husband. Did she finally say, "No more," to the violence? Dr. Phil has advice for knowing when it's time to get out. Can you relate? Share your story.

 

Find out what happened on the show.

 

More October 2005 Show Boards.


As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

October 16, 2005, 2:09 pm CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Quote From: buckeye_23

Hi!  I am 23 and looking for some advice before i go any further in my relationship.  I have been dating my BF for almost 3 years and it has been a struggle lately.  He has an awful temper but says that he has to yell to get things through to me and to get me to understand.  He doesn't like any of my friends and has said that i need to get new friends that he likes or he will leave me.  My friends aren't fun enough or whatever.  Granted I don't have a lot of friends since mine have gone off to college (and my best friend died) and although i've been in the town i'm in now for almost 3 years - it is hard to fit into any clique or hard to just find someone with the same interests as me.  He has never hurt me but has said some pretty mean things to me which i'm supposed to just forget like i'm a dumbass, somethings wrong with me because i can't find friends he likes, or that i have a sexy body and don't know how to use it, OR that i've failed again.  I love him with all my heart and try so hard and honestly i don't care to have tons of friends becuase i was brought up to be there for my significant other and i am.  I'd much rather be with him than any of my friends (they don't have the same interests as me anymore either) but i don't understand why when i'm unhappy or always worrying about what the next fight will be about.  Please help or give advice on how i can get through to him....i'd like to make this one work..i've already had 1 bad relationship and up until now its been great.  begging for help
 I looks to me like your entire life revolves around someone that doesn't treat you very nice, and is actually verbally and emotionally abusive to you.  The awful temper part scares me, and the fact that he doesn't like your friends, and pretty much wants you all to himself.  And the fact that you don't care if you have any friends, because all you need is him, this is not a healthy relationship.  The most important person in your life is YOU, not him.  Please start doing something for yourself.  You are still so young, you have so much ahead of you, and you will meet someone who treats you with the respect you deserve.  You have to remember and truly believe that you deserve better.  God bless you.
 
October 16, 2005, 3:39 pm CDT

NO CLUE

Quote From: lizabeth

Are you sitting there getting mad because he is playing the games?  What you doing with you life while he is playing.  Why wait for him to take you somewhere.  Pack up the kids and go to the park or what ever.  There are so many things that you can do that don't cost money.  My husband gets distracted with the computer.  A new program so forth.  All men like their toys.  Which is fine.  But it needs to be limited.  You have to teach the kids that the games are not everything.  If everyone is just sitting around watching dad.  What does that teach them.   I distract my husband.  Come up behind him and hug him, nibble on the neck, what ever it takes when he is engrossed in the computer.  If I just ask him to get off it does not work.  But you can not get as engrossed in getting upset about him as he is in the games.  He will either keep playing the games or join you.  Either way you are having fun and getting your mind off of his game playing.   

  

My husband and I are in a community band.  We go once a week just to keep our minds off of other things.  You don't have to play to be in a band and have it to consume you.  There are local bands and things that just meet every once in a while.  It is a wonderful way to have fun and not spend money.   

  

If he likes games go bowling with the family.  I don't know.  There is no answer.  It is all in what you want to do with life.   

  

See, even if you divorced him and left him.  What are  you going to do?  What would he be doing?  I bet he would be on-line and so forth even more.  Every time you go to do something.  Like take a walk in the mall.  Invite him..  While you have a chance to get out of the house, at least so is he....  Evey time I go some where I have to let him stop in the computer section.  I go look at other things.....  And he is happy.  Most of the time I make it clear he can look he just can't buy.....  And he is fine with that.  We have an agreement that if something is more than $40.  We ask the other person if it is alright to get it.  So once a month he does get something.  I think it has given him incentive to spend more time deciding what he wants and a few more trips out....  So it gets him out of the house....  I may have to rent a so called guy flick once a month.  (Sports, action pack, so forth) and sit and watch it with him in order to get his time.   

  

So why be alone.  Go to a friends house, go walk around the neighborhood.  I don't know? But it is all up to  you........   He is in control of you and the games.  While he is playing, he is keeping you in the house as well.  Go to the gym anything.   Just find something that you can enjoy as well.  Not just watching him play.............  You local parks and recreation usually offers classes in different things for just a few dollars.   It is sad that you know exactly how many hours he has spent on the game.  I don't know what he played in the band.  Maybe you could learn it and play with him.....  No one has the answer but you...  You just have to figure it out......   

  

Best of luck...... 

Honestly, you have no clue what the woman is talking about!!!  You can nibble on their ears and they swat you like a fly.  They get major UPSET if you interrupt them.  THE MAN IS EMOTIONALLY BANKRUPT, and she cannot change him.  Yes, she can do everything with the kids, and does, AS I DO.  they don't want to get involved in family life, they don't care!  I have been married to a man for 15 years the same idential way.  It doesn't matter how much you cry, talk, write, send up smoke signals, etc.  they don't care.  They have to want to change.  There is nothing you can do about it.  It just makes you sick to be married and feel like a single parent.  These men are not there for their wives, or their children.   IT IS ALL ABOUT THEM.   Selfish from the word go!   I am finally at the point where I don't give a rat's whatever what he does, or when he does it.  He will go for days and not speak to me or the children.  Makes for a wonderful life!!!      

Telling this woman to join this man in his gaming is STUPID in my opinion.  Not only will it not work, it will make him worse than before.  HE HAS TO WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH HIS FAMILY, HE HAS TO WANT TO PLUG IN, nobody can make him.     

  

 
October 16, 2005, 4:05 pm CDT

reply to blessed be

Quote From: semiopaque

 I just want to say one thing I feel I need to say, I am not criticizing you for your decision but please keep in mind that your children learn what they see, there may be no abuse but ignoring eachother and only hearing eacfhother teaches your children that that's how a man should treat a woman and a woman should treat a man in any situation........

Blessed Be
I know that you feel my decision is harsh, but it the only way I can survive right now.  My boys have NO relationship with their father.  if i have to leave them here with them, the oldest one tells me that he will watch his younger brother cause he knows daddy won't.  i have tried, without criticizing my husband to them, to guide them on how to treat their wives some day.  both of my boys will tell you, daddy loves nascar more than he loves us, that is all he cares about.  i have tried to guide them in the fact that even though they are male, they can open up about their feelings, they can cry if they get hurt, and they always have the power to either, make another human being feel better about themselves, or worse, just by words or actions.  my kids know the real score, they have seen it their whole lives.  my 14 yr old now doesn't care about a relationship with his dad anyway.  he says if he just leaves me alone i am happy.   when i tried to tell my husband that he felt this way, he thought it was ok, I DO EVERYTHING, AND ALWAYS HAVE.  I WILL NOT LET MY CHILDREN SUFFER BECAUSE HE WON'T PLUG IN.  they can and do come to me often and we talk all the time.  I have only shut down with my husband, not my children.  they have seen my husband go days without talking to any of us for so long, they act like he isn't even here.  THAT IS HIS CHOICE AND HIS LOSS,  I FOR ONE AM NOT PAYING THE PRICE ANYMORE. 
 
October 16, 2005, 5:39 pm CDT

I Don't buy it!

Everyone stating that Sheila is a victim of rage due to an alcoholic husband is a cop out of the extreme! And stating that she is a 'caretaker' because of her profession does NOT make her a 

"caretaker"........this is all totally absurd! I lived in an alcoholic environment and watched my mother take advantage by 'beating' my daddy when he was drunk. It was simple: She hated his guts! Her 

abuse of him had little to do with his drinking! A person that loves their children, will not, regardless of the anger they feel, STOMP their spouse in full view of the children!! Knocking this man down the stairs while he is unable to defend himself is passed over due to her 'rage' that HE created in her? Give me a freakin' break! This girl makes me ill.........she is a manipulator and full of hate. I know several women in the medical profession that are NOT 'caretakers'---they went that route because they could make more money in that field. Just as all women are not "mothers" just because they can give birth, so are all caretakers not "caretakers" just because they are in that profession! I'm afraid Dr. Phil missed the boat on this woman; glad that he is trying to help her, as she definitely needs help~~but, she is an adult with a brain and there is NO excuse in the world that justifies her standing over her drunk spouse and stomping him!! She knows what she is doing when she does it! She should be ashamed and has no right raising children! Anyone that can physically abuse another human being is an ABUSER. PERIOD! Next time it just may be her children.  

 
October 16, 2005, 5:48 pm CDT

It is all about them

Quote From: elle474

Honestly, you have no clue what the woman is talking about!!!  You can nibble on their ears and they swat you like a fly.  They get major UPSET if you interrupt them.  THE MAN IS EMOTIONALLY BANKRUPT, and she cannot change him.  Yes, she can do everything with the kids, and does, AS I DO.  they don't want to get involved in family life, they don't care!  I have been married to a man for 15 years the same idential way.  It doesn't matter how much you cry, talk, write, send up smoke signals, etc.  they don't care.  They have to want to change.  There is nothing you can do about it.  It just makes you sick to be married and feel like a single parent.  These men are not there for their wives, or their children.   IT IS ALL ABOUT THEM.   Selfish from the word go!   I am finally at the point where I don't give a rat's whatever what he does, or when he does it.  He will go for days and not speak to me or the children.  Makes for a wonderful life!!!      

Telling this woman to join this man in his gaming is STUPID in my opinion.  Not only will it not work, it will make him worse than before.  HE HAS TO WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH HIS FAMILY, HE HAS TO WANT TO PLUG IN, nobody can make him.     

  

I have to say that I am sad and also relieved that someone out there is going through what I've been going through.  Some people will never get it!  With us, it's hunting, snowmobiling and rodeo.  I have followed all of the dumb advice out there. I've tried to join him in his activities, but he doesn't want me there. I've tried the "nibbling on the ear" junk too, but I too have been swatted away like a fly.  He calls me "muddy water" which means he can't see the tv through me.  I wish I had some good advice but I guess I'm just looking for some myself.  I can't believe that I have put up with this nonsense for 13 years! Most of them either with just my kids or all by myself.  Where do you go from here?
 
October 16, 2005, 6:51 pm CDT

What now?!

In February of last year I packed up my children and moved us 2000 miles away to try and get away from my husband's verbal, mental, and emotional abuse.  However, instead of the abuse stopping, it's gotten worse, and if I try to just not take his calls (even if it's only been a few minutes or a few hours since he last verbally assaulted me, or if I'm not even aware that he's trying to call because I’m asleep or something) then he accuses me of denying him access to the kids.  Yet he only rarely calls them on Fridays like we had agreed upon.  I’m not sure what to do.  I just want it to stop, I’m tired of hurting, I feel like I’ve been emotionally beaten to a bloody pulp, I’m so tired.  I’m trying to do a good job taking care of our children, who because of the whole situation are showing stress themselves and acting out (I've spent more time in the school office in the past semester than I ever did in my whole time at school), plus, since I’ve been a stay at home mom all these years, I only have a high school education so I've started college and am carrying a 14 until class load.  To make things even more stressful he’s started stalking me online.  I made pages on Yahoo and MySpace to get back in touch with my high school friends after our class reunion and he chewed me out for not telling him I had made web pages.  Also before I even left he started getting into my personal files on my computer and reading them, and reading my e-mail.  I don't need anymore stress from him. I didn't leave to hurt him, I didn't leave to punish him, I left to try and make the abuse stop.  I’m a person, not a belonging.  I have feelings and right now they feel like I have a sword piercing my heart.  Please Help!!!

  

 

  

 
October 16, 2005, 7:08 pm CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Quote From: mitlob

I am 44 and am back to school getting my bachelor's.  I'm hoping to graduate by the time my youngest child does.  I spent 20 years in an abusive relationship and finally found the courage to leave 4 years ago.  When I left I didn't think I was being strong I was just seeking peace.  What a surprise to look for peace and find happiness.  I love being in school and strongly encourage you to go back.

That's wonderful!  Good for you!  There is so much that I want to do with my life that at one time I used to share with my husband.  I don't share any dreams with him anymore.  His life seems to be the only thing important to him.  Sure, he will say he cares and loves me but, as long as I don't change or do anything to upset his life.   

This past couple of days he has been trying to be so nice.  I'm not buying it though.  It won't last, never does.  I'm finished. October 26....my whole life will change after I visit the attorney.  I have no idea how he is going to react.  I'm not sure whether to have someone here or just close by in case I need them.  I really have no idea.  But yet, at the same time, I'm so excited!  I can't wait to experience that same peace you found!  Thanks for your encouragement!  

  

 
October 16, 2005, 7:16 pm CDT

Codependant?

  

  I believe that nurse Sheila needs more help.  i think she could really benefit from thr Alanon Family Groups. Alanon is a 12 Step program like AA.  It is for family members and friends of alcoholics.  In Alanon, they don't talk about the alcoholic or how to fix the alcoholic.  They focus on  the recovery of these family members who have become sick from living with a drunk.  These Alanon members understand the anger Shelia has and they know exactly how she feels.  I go to AA and have been sober for 14 years.  I have seen some very sick individuals who did not drink, get well in Alanon.  I know the 12 steps work if you work them. 

Michelle 

 
October 16, 2005, 9:04 pm CDT

There are worse things

Quote From: alliesoloe

  

  

  I honestly don't know what to do.  My husband and I have been married for almost seven years and I have put up with a lot from him.  We lost custody of our only child (his third, my first) to my parents a couple of years ago.  He can't hold a job.  I suffer from depression and obsessive compulsive disorder.  He has been physical towards me a few times.  I'm twenty-seven years old and he's thirty-seven.  I don't want to stay in this marrriage but I'm terrified of what he might do if I leave.  He hates my parents for taking our son and I worry that if I leave he'll take it out on them. 

  

  There's a lot going on that I don't want to get into but I don't want to leave him while I'm jobless and penniless.  I have no car, no driver's license, and no job.  Part of my problem is that I think I've used my depression as a crutch for not working.  I get angry with myself for it and hate myself when I do.  My husband, of course, is no help.  He claims he's getting burnt out on work and when he's awake he's online playing a game.  The only time I can get his attention is when HE wants something.  I'm tired.  I'm fed up and I need help.  I don't want to end my marriage but I don't want to stay either.  He's not the type who will consider counceling and we can't afford it anyway.  I feel like I'm the only one puttin any effort into this marriage anymore and I sometimes wonder why I married him in the first place.  To be honest, I left him three times since we met and got together.  What should I do? 

  

This is advise coming from a former abuser. Take the first opportunity you get to leave. Your husband does not value or respect you as a person. If you don't leave under your own power you will be leaving by ambulance at best(don't need to mention the worst). My ex-wife didn't have a job or security when she left me, in fact she went to my family for help after she left. Now she is three terms away from her RN license and we have managed to forge a relationship based on friendship, respect, and trust. While we do not have a future together as a married couple we do have a long relationship ahead of us. That is the exception to the rule I think,for the most part I think abusers and their victims are better off not seeing each other after they part ways I just added my story to say that it is possible as long as you feel safe and he respects you. All that aside the first thing you need to do is leave. Whether you believe it or not you can do it , there are places to go,you can find safety  and after that medical attention. It is scary but it will feel so much better to take your life into your own hands and not depend on your ability to keep that idiot from hitting you. I had a hard time after My ex left me and I almost ended it all a few times, but I now know that the best feeling in the world is seeing what happens tommorow. You will find out I'm right as soon as you control your own destiny again. It won't miraculously happen overnight but a day will come when you suddenly realize that you haven't been afraid for longer than you can remember. Just remember that now as you do all the scary stuff, The fear will go away and you will be whole again
 
October 16, 2005, 9:23 pm CDT

The last thing you should do is zone out

Quote From: wendylynn

Where i do begin.  I've been in a relationship for almost five years and i am not sure wheather to walk away or stay.  I have been treated for depression this year and with that came dealing with a few things in my past amoung others, my shildhood molestation, my parents divorce.  My guy has een great and while i was in the clinic he told me that he will not touch me until i say that i am ready.  Well i am ready and now he's never at home.  I don't know where he goes or what he does.  He never answers his mobile phone, comes home the next morning with no excplanation.  This has left me very broken hearted.  I don't know what's going on in my own relationship.  He never talks to me about anything.  I have started abusing over the counter medication, just so that i don't have to feel anythng.  I also hate weekends because to me that resembles loneliness.  I have so much more to say. I just wish i knew what the right thing was to do.
Don't sit around waiting for him to be there for you, if he doesn't want to be with you then say "Asta Baby" you don't owe him anything. Secondly stop the drugs however you have to. You do not need to waste your new life on being out of it to stop hurting. Why is it important to you to stay and try to get his attention? Try finding out what life is like by yourself. It sounds trite but finding out who you are can be fun when you don't have to worry about a partners feelings or approval. You need to discover how to be happy alone before you can be happy with someone else.
 
First | Prev | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | Next | Last