Message Boards

Topic : 10/14 "Kick 'em to the Curb!"

Number of Replies: 253
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, October 07, 2005, 03:44:27 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

How do you know when it's time to kick that relationship to the curb? Dr. Phil's first guest is four months pregnant with her boyfriend's baby. He wants her to leave him alone, and she wants to know if she should let go of the relationship.What does Dr. Phil think? Next, Dr. Phil follows-up with two women whose marriages were in crisis. Sheila's husband, Steve, was a raging alcoholic. She would beat him when he was drunk, almost killing him. Did she take Dr. Phil's advice? And where is Steve now? Then, Michelle was living a cycle of abuse at the hands of her husband. Did she finally say, "No more," to the violence? Dr. Phil has advice for knowing when it's time to get out. Can you relate? Share your story.

 

Find out what happened on the show.

 

More October 2005 Show Boards.


As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

October 17, 2005, 1:32 pm CDT

THANK YOU!

Quote From: olauomita

Just want you to know that I heard you and I am so sorry you had to experience what you did and I appreciate your sharing your story.
Thank you and Thank you! I wish you well!!!!!
 
October 17, 2005, 2:09 pm CDT

Life's too short , Get out!

Quote From: pifos35

I have to say that I am sad and also relieved that someone out there is going through what I've been going through.  Some people will never get it!  With us, it's hunting, snowmobiling and rodeo.  I have followed all of the dumb advice out there. I've tried to join him in his activities, but he doesn't want me there. I've tried the "nibbling on the ear" junk too, but I too have been swatted away like a fly.  He calls me "muddy water" which means he can't see the tv through me.  I wish I had some good advice but I guess I'm just looking for some myself.  I can't believe that I have put up with this nonsense for 13 years! Most of them either with just my kids or all by myself.  Where do you go from here?
 I was online today trying to reply to the young girl that was in the show pregnant from the guy that said he would stay with her only if she won the lottery when I read your story and I'm shocked that you are still there.  To me, if someone prefers playing hours of games vs. spending time with you and the children is nothing but a pathetic loser.  I also read the "join him" message which is ridiculous, and the "nibbling on the ear" which lacks dignity. If you have to make him aware of your existence you are becoming as pathetic as he is. Get out, find someone who wants to enjoy life not in front of a TV playing games. I can't believe women put up with this bs. Can I write that : )
Quit the drama and the circle, you can end it, and can begin a new fun life with your kids and someone fresh.
That's my 2 cents.
Fabi Keller
 
October 17, 2005, 3:44 pm CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Quote From: wendylynn

Where i do begin.  I've been in a relationship for almost five years and i am not sure wheather to walk away or stay.  I have been treated for depression this year and with that came dealing with a few things in my past amoung others, my shildhood molestation, my parents divorce.  My guy has een great and while i was in the clinic he told me that he will not touch me until i say that i am ready.  Well i am ready and now he's never at home.  I don't know where he goes or what he does.  He never answers his mobile phone, comes home the next morning with no excplanation.  This has left me very broken hearted.  I don't know what's going on in my own relationship.  He never talks to me about anything.  I have started abusing over the counter medication, just so that i don't have to feel anythng.  I also hate weekends because to me that resembles loneliness.  I have so much more to say. I just wish i knew what the right thing was to do.

Frankly I think you do know whether to walk or stay. You are just not willing to make your own decision(s). You say your "guy has been great", yet the following sentences defy that statements value. If this is great I'd really not want to see bad! You and your friend form a "unit". To which hopefully you have loyalty. To which he very clearly feels NO dedication toward. IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT that you have taken second place, or a backseat in his life. He obviously explains where he was etc as much to you as he does to any of his other household possessions. You are not an object. You are not a thing. One of the wonderful things about experiences and making one's own decisions is no matter how pleasant or painful you LEARN from it. NO decisions, NO learning. 

mm 

 
October 17, 2005, 4:27 pm CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Quote From: pifos35

I have to say that I am sad and also relieved that someone out there is going through what I've been going through.  Some people will never get it!  With us, it's hunting, snowmobiling and rodeo.  I have followed all of the dumb advice out there. I've tried to join him in his activities, but he doesn't want me there. I've tried the "nibbling on the ear" junk too, but I too have been swatted away like a fly.  He calls me "muddy water" which means he can't see the tv through me.  I wish I had some good advice but I guess I'm just looking for some myself.  I can't believe that I have put up with this nonsense for 13 years! Most of them either with just my kids or all by myself.  Where do you go from here?

It seems like a very common theme: We're married why wont my spouse act like this relationship is important? Why have things changed so much? How come nothing I do reverses the problem? 

  

I have read several of these notes. It has caused me to think about just what exactly IS a 'committed' relationship, such as marriage. Not something I've done a lot of, though I feel I should have and a lot sooner. It seems like one of those things that we are expected to know instinctively. Like childbirth, raising children and so on. We get married in a formal, hopefully romantic, ceremony, and then what? Wake up years later either divorced or stillllll married, but who knows why? or how? I emphatically do not believe the catholic answer is it either: you will stay married or else... midground? Is there one? 

  

Two individuals get married. The priest or minister, or judge uses a lot of words amongst which is always the word UNION, or JOIN or some other very close exact equivalent. A new 'entitiy' is formed. It is NOT two separate individuals it is ONE. It is a marriage and despite all the hoopla, that is the result. ONE new 'thing', one new 'group', one new marriage. and the next day we ask ourselves "now what?" And the next day we go on acting as individuals....who just happen to live together. 

  

Either both have dedication or loyalty or commitment to the new "entitiy" or they dont. The marriage, the unit doesnt come second. It CANT. Friends dont come first. Video games dont come first. Drugs dont come first. Outside daliances dont come first. NONE of the above takes any precedence. NONE of the above, come first. They come last in the sense: "The last thing I'd do because it would deny, negate, weaken, lessen and or cripple this "bond", this "union". ( and the above list is not to be viewed as a complete list either) 

  

I can picture some husband after multi hours of computer gaming or whatever other distraction, on his second marriage thinking "gee I thought I got divorced so I COULD PLAY ALL i WANT WITHOUT SOME B---H TELLING ME i CANT!" Ditto third marriage. Or conversely some wife thinking on her second marriage "Gee I am getting ALL the attention I want how come I am still so unhappy?"  

  

I used to joke that my wife had the siamese twin theory of marriage. I dont anymore. She was right. Just dont tell her I said that. 

mm 

 
October 17, 2005, 5:01 pm CDT

thanks for the replies

Quote From: tigger707

It seems as though you may have a yoynger version of my husband. The verbal abuse is unaccetable, and only gets worse. If someone tells you you are dumb long enough you start to believe it, then your self esteem is slowly destroyed. He is a controlling man and you should get some counseling together, (he will probably refuse as they usually say its not them with the problem) or leave him. You are still young enough to find Mr Treat me RIGHT. No man should ever degrade you & once you make it acceptable it wont go away. Men who control will never like any of your friends as they get in the way of the control... Good Luck and if he will do counseling try it--if not, run!!!!!!!!!!!!
Although I know that more replies will come the longer my post is up - i find it so hard to find the right thing to do.  I know what is right but then at times he can be so nice sweet and loving but in the bad times its always me who is wrong.  I have a good job and could live on my own but am scared and just need advice on how to talk to him because I know that he will not go to counseling because "if we need to go to counseling we don't need to be together" is what he'll say but yet he has all these problems with me.  Gosh i don't know...if anyone would like to be a pen pal to just be friends in the problems that we have - let me know.  Thanks - confused!!!
 
October 17, 2005, 5:07 pm CDT

Michelle.....WOW!!

Michelle is one of the prettiest women I've ever seen in my life, and I would be honored to take her out anywhere, any time.  I'll submit to any line of questioning that Dr. Phil wants.  Go ahead and grill me.

I have a very good friend who had to do the same thing to an abusive boyfriend many years ago.  To this day I admire her courage.
 
October 17, 2005, 7:12 pm CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Quote From: aintaho

Hey I think I justneed to vent, I am not looking for people to tell me what is wrong or what is right, i would like to know how common this is? My problem is this, I have been with this man for 16 years and we have two kids. He doesnt go out , he's not a drinker, he works 40 hours in a week, no more because he hates to work, and lets me know it all the time, but he does have  a serious problem , I think. He play video games, and not just for fun, example, he just had 11 days off, and I clocked him for 4.5 of those days, his hours spent on the machine was 59.5 hours. I ve done this before for a whole month becasue people told me there is nothing wrong with him playing his games, his monthly hours were 248.  our daughter gets mad sometimes and tells him all he ever does is play his games, but he brushes it off, and says she's just trying to get her own way. I have tried talking to him and telling him about ignoring us all the ime, because he puts on headphones to play these, so I cant even talk to him, now he has online things so he talks to strangers all over the world when he plays them, and i sit here and watch TV and am alone. He thinks I am controlling when I try to tell him how I feel. i dont want him to stop, he enjoys it, but i think hes missing out on his kids and Im afraid that when the kids move out, I wont stay either, because it's hard to be ignored day after day. He set his goal on hold for us. He's suppose to be playing music but quit to support us, and Im afraid that this is the reason why he plays, he trying to forget. Although when he did play music, he still played games as much as he could, so maybe it's not  the reason. He'll go over to his cousin's house at least three times a month and maybe stay over so they can play till 600 in the morning, and i'm told at least I know where he is, but it's not that comforting. he's 37 and I am at a loss now, I dont know how much I am suppose to put up with. I have to say I am very cranky and moody because of this and I am afraid that when the kids go, we no longer have anything in common, not that we do now. He never takes me anywhere, and this is becasue he says we cant afford it, but we always manage to afford the new games or a new system. Please if someone out there has some advice or know s what I am going though, I would love to get some help on this matter, I just dont know what else to do anymore,. Thanks all.

I could have written this.  I have been married for 13 years,  my husband has spent the last five on his pc.  I miss him.  The kids are missing out on knowing him.  He use to do things and had friends.  Now he spends all his free time on the pc,  its sad.   

 
October 17, 2005, 8:24 pm CDT

I'm so sorry

Quote From: karla89

I could have written this.  I have been married for 13 years,  my husband has spent the last five on his pc.  I miss him.  The kids are missing out on knowing him.  He use to do things and had friends.  Now he spends all his free time on the pc,  its sad.   

I know exactly what you are feeling! What is funny is that my husband knows how I feel and has even suggested i write a book and call it  x-box widows. He believes there is nothing wrong with spending 5 or more hours a day on the computer. Of course that is after he gets home from work, when his family would like to spend time with him, but he doesn't get it. He Say's "What you'd rather i sit in front of the television? what difference does it make?" He doesn't see that you are basically a single Mom while they are having the time of their lives. I have had fits and even gone so far as to plan out how i could leave and move back to Tennessee on numerous occasions.. I just don't want to start over and move across the country again.I feel like i could have it worse, at least he isn't cheating on me as i had to deal with while married to my first husband. Actually i believe it would be easier on me if he did. Then i would not hesitate to leave. My husband is a great man, when he remembers he has a family. It's just the many hours logged on the computer playing poker or the hours he played on his x-box ,until he threw it and broke it in a fit one day when i had cussed him out , because he was on there for hours while my  mother in law was visiting.I have been dealing with this issue in one form or another for years.  I am sorry i have no advice to give to you and only these words to offer comfort.. You are not alone by any means.  

If you come up with a solution to this please get in touch! I fear it will be the death of an otherwise great marriage!  

 
October 17, 2005, 8:47 pm CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Quote From: mickyh

I know exactly what you are feeling! What is funny is that my husband knows how I feel and has even suggested i write a book and call it  x-box widows. He believes there is nothing wrong with spending 5 or more hours a day on the computer. Of course that is after he gets home from work, when his family would like to spend time with him, but he doesn't get it. He Say's "What you'd rather i sit in front of the television? what difference does it make?" He doesn't see that you are basically a single Mom while they are having the time of their lives. I have had fits and even gone so far as to plan out how i could leave and move back to Tennessee on numerous occasions.. I just don't want to start over and move across the country again.I feel like i could have it worse, at least he isn't cheating on me as i had to deal with while married to my first husband. Actually i believe it would be easier on me if he did. Then i would not hesitate to leave. My husband is a great man, when he remembers he has a family. It's just the many hours logged on the computer playing poker or the hours he played on his x-box ,until he threw it and broke it in a fit one day when i had cussed him out , because he was on there for hours while my  mother in law was visiting.I have been dealing with this issue in one form or another for years.  I am sorry i have no advice to give to you and only these words to offer comfort.. You are not alone by any means.  

If you come up with a solution to this please get in touch! I fear it will be the death of an otherwise great marriage!  

Maybe,  we should start a group,  for game-widows.    

  

You and I have a lot in common,  I feel stuck.  I'm planning to go back to school and "get a life".  I have a 3 year old and I want to be able to work when she starts school.  Maybe, he'll log off before I leave! 

 
October 18, 2005, 11:42 am CDT

to michelle on the show

Hello, 

  

  

I remember you from the message boards from a long while ago.  

  

  

So happy to hear you have left the relationship.  I wish you the best. 

  

  

Why don't you drop back over on the board and keep us informed.  You can offer support and hopefully receive some too. 

  

  

I remember so well your love for the animals. 

  

  

Take care. 

  

  

I wish you the best. 

 
First | Prev | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | Next | Last