Message Boards

Topic : 10/14 "Kick 'em to the Curb!"

Number of Replies: 253
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, October 07, 2005, 03:44:27 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

How do you know when it's time to kick that relationship to the curb? Dr. Phil's first guest is four months pregnant with her boyfriend's baby. He wants her to leave him alone, and she wants to know if she should let go of the relationship.What does Dr. Phil think? Next, Dr. Phil follows-up with two women whose marriages were in crisis. Sheila's husband, Steve, was a raging alcoholic. She would beat him when he was drunk, almost killing him. Did she take Dr. Phil's advice? And where is Steve now? Then, Michelle was living a cycle of abuse at the hands of her husband. Did she finally say, "No more," to the violence? Dr. Phil has advice for knowing when it's time to get out. Can you relate? Share your story.

 

Find out what happened on the show.

 

More October 2005 Show Boards.


As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

October 18, 2005, 7:20 pm CDT

Gaming Husband

Quote From: karla89

I could have written this.  I have been married for 13 years,  my husband has spent the last five on his pc.  I miss him.  The kids are missing out on knowing him.  He use to do things and had friends.  Now he spends all his free time on the pc,  its sad.   

Hi All, 

This is my first entry on the boards although I have been reading them for a while.  

  

I am glad that I am not alone. I too will have been married 13 years in December. I have also had the problem of my husband spending a lot of time on the computer. I believe in God and prayed countless nights. This went on in our home for at least 2 if not 4 years.  

( If I can remember correctly )  

I tried to distract my husband, reel him in for the kids sake and everything and anything else you can think of. I finally told him flat out that I was losing my patience. That I had no complaints concerning my life with him or how he was doing as a father to our children, but that I was beginning to believe that the computer and the games meant more to him mentally, physically, spiritually, emotionally and all the other things that go on between a husband and wife. I believed and felt as though I were replaced by the computer. 

I went and bought a book by Stormie O'Martian. It is called ' The Power of a Praying Wife'. It advised me to just pray for him constantly and specifically. I also vowed to support him in his other activities and endeavors. I have to say that it took a LOT of resolve, patience, love and actual biting of the lip! 

  

Not long after that, we had a visit from our pastor and pretty soon, things really shaped up. That very night, he finally opened up to me about things in his life that had made him depressed, angry and sad. Things that were beyond his control that he felt he should be able to control. Our two children had both had heart surgeries, I had been in the hospital, our finances were outrageously out of control due to all the medical bills.  

It was a few months down the road that he gave up gaming and took a very long break from the whole scene. Naturally family life improved, our marriage grew again and so many other areas in our lives blossomed. There are still valleys and disagreements but it's not fueled with the ever constant frustration of gaming.  

I have to say that he is currently gaming and he told me upfront that he would not let it get like it was before.  He has been gaming for about 6-8 months. Once, he started showing signs of getting into it a little deeper and I had the courage to approach him about it. He realized what was happening and calmed it down.  

  

The problem I have now is that like Dr. Phil has said, Women have very long memories. I find myself wanting to hold it over his head whenever he mentions something that I need to work on or if he is 'encouraging' me in an area that I know I need to improve. Not to mention that I'm prone to hold grudges as it is. I literally have to make a concentrated effort to keep myself in check.  

But, it's working.  

My husband and I are great. It could've been so much more volatile than it was.
If you are still struggling with this, I strongly recommend that book. Go check it out at the library if you are unable to go purchase one. Even if you don't go to church, it will help you with your walk at home. It does take patience and perserverence but I have to say, it was/is very worth every minute!  

I wish you the very best, 

Dawn 

 
October 19, 2005, 2:33 pm CDT

How do you know if your dealbreaker is too much?

My husband and I have been together for 7 yrs, married for almost 3.  Our relationship is disintegrating daily.  I am the only one compromising.  If he feels offended or hurt I make changes to keep him happy, even if it means I am miserable.  He tells me that it is my problem that his children don't "respect" me, even though I have done everything for them.  He sees no need to change anything.  He did compromise on sex, because if he had his way, we would have it all the time.  But he holds my emotions hostage on everything else. I very rarely bring something to his attention that is bothering me, because it won't get resolved unless I just give in and let things lay.  He believes if you ignore things long enough, they will just go away on their own.  Also everytime I bring something to him that is bothering or hurting me, it ultimately ends up in a conversation about him and what is bothering and hurting him.  I am hurting so much, and he can't even see it. 

I dont approach him in an angry mood, as that is what I had done in the past.  I wait a few days until I have calmed down some, and know how I want to say what I want to say.  This was his request since I have to admit, I was a bad fighter.  That was several years ago.  No matter what I do I am wrong.  He now says he hates when I shut down for a few days to deal with my emotions and what is bothering me.  He has done this to me for all 7 yrs that we have been together.  I have learned to let him be, and in time, when he is comfortable he will come talk to me or not.  I feel like he has taken my emotions hostage, uses them against me because he knows I love him enough to give in, and am terrified of being on my own with my kids because I am not working right now (I am going to be working soon).   

I just dont' know how much compromise is healthy, and when should I say enough is enough. 

 
October 20, 2005, 11:50 am CDT

Could someone help?

Quote From: scarty

My husband and I have been together for 7 yrs, married for almost 3.  Our relationship is disintegrating daily.  I am the only one compromising.  If he feels offended or hurt I make changes to keep him happy, even if it means I am miserable.  He tells me that it is my problem that his children don't "respect" me, even though I have done everything for them.  He sees no need to change anything.  He did compromise on sex, because if he had his way, we would have it all the time.  But he holds my emotions hostage on everything else. I very rarely bring something to his attention that is bothering me, because it won't get resolved unless I just give in and let things lay.  He believes if you ignore things long enough, they will just go away on their own.  Also everytime I bring something to him that is bothering or hurting me, it ultimately ends up in a conversation about him and what is bothering and hurting him.  I am hurting so much, and he can't even see it. 

I dont approach him in an angry mood, as that is what I had done in the past.  I wait a few days until I have calmed down some, and know how I want to say what I want to say.  This was his request since I have to admit, I was a bad fighter.  That was several years ago.  No matter what I do I am wrong.  He now says he hates when I shut down for a few days to deal with my emotions and what is bothering me.  He has done this to me for all 7 yrs that we have been together.  I have learned to let him be, and in time, when he is comfortable he will come talk to me or not.  I feel like he has taken my emotions hostage, uses them against me because he knows I love him enough to give in, and am terrified of being on my own with my kids because I am not working right now (I am going to be working soon).   

I just dont' know how much compromise is healthy, and when should I say enough is enough. 

I posted this the other day in hopes that someone would have some advice?
 
October 20, 2005, 1:02 pm CDT

Advice

Quote From: scarty

I posted this the other day in hopes that someone would have some advice?
   Go to the abuse board there are some wonderful ladys and they will help you like they have helped me. Good luck.
 
October 20, 2005, 6:30 pm CDT

Change is scary but good

Quote From: brenda8189

That's wonderful!  Good for you!  There is so much that I want to do with my life that at one time I used to share with my husband.  I don't share any dreams with him anymore.  His life seems to be the only thing important to him.  Sure, he will say he cares and loves me but, as long as I don't change or do anything to upset his life.   

This past couple of days he has been trying to be so nice.  I'm not buying it though.  It won't last, never does.  I'm finished. October 26....my whole life will change after I visit the attorney.  I have no idea how he is going to react.  I'm not sure whether to have someone here or just close by in case I need them.  I really have no idea.  But yet, at the same time, I'm so excited!  I can't wait to experience that same peace you found!  Thanks for your encouragement!  

  

I'm glad to hear you're not buying it. The trying to be nice maneuver.  I was speaking with a friend today who is still in an abusive relationship.  I know being abused I'm a textbook example of no self esteem etc.  But with speaking with her today, remembering my ex and reading your posting.  The abuser is a textbook himself.  The same tactics used over and over.  Intimidation, verbal abuse, sometimes physical abuse sometimes a combo then the manipulation game.  He's sorry....got to be so frequent he quit saying sorry.  And if you don't respond the way he expects to his "niceness"  the whole nasty cycle begins again.   Whew!!!!  It was such an exhausting life to live.  I hadn't realized until the end just how tired I had gotten from it all.  I got so depressed that I didn't have the will to do anything but retreat inside myself with the isolation he put me in.  Cutting me off from hobbies, family and friends and keeping my shameful secret to myself.   

And yes, your whole life will change after the attorney if you let it and for the better.  You should be so proud of yourself having the courage and strength to face the fear of the unknown.  I know first hand and I'm sure many others on this board know the paralyzing fear of what is out there?  Seems weird after you're out and away from it.  I think to myself now, people must have thought I was crazy to have stayed in such a relationship.  But we all know that fear.......greater than your fear of him......the UNKNOWN.   

I've only just begun to talk of my abuse.  I didn't want the label abused hanging around my neck with the other failures...divorced.....single mom.....destroyed the family.  All those crazy labels I was willing to give myself.  I have found my identity and want to reach out and encourage anyone with similar feelings that you are doing the right thing.  You do deserve better.  All the cliches I heard in counseling really are true....you just need to get to the place within yourself where they cease to become cliches and become who you are.   I wish you peace and happiness.  Both attainable. 

 
October 20, 2005, 9:20 pm CDT

get out

Quote From: myrtledee

   Go to the abuse board there are some wonderful ladys and they will help you like they have helped me. Good luck.

I am sorry about what you are going through. I think you should get out. I can't imagine staying in this situation. "HE" DOESN'T RESPECT YOU AS A WIFE, WOMAN OR MOTHER.  

w/b 

 
October 20, 2005, 11:34 pm CDT

I know how you feel

Quote From: buckeye_23

Although I know that more replies will come the longer my post is up - i find it so hard to find the right thing to do.  I know what is right but then at times he can be so nice sweet and loving but in the bad times its always me who is wrong.  I have a good job and could live on my own but am scared and just need advice on how to talk to him because I know that he will not go to counseling because "if we need to go to counseling we don't need to be together" is what he'll say but yet he has all these problems with me.  Gosh i don't know...if anyone would like to be a pen pal to just be friends in the problems that we have - let me know.  Thanks - confused!!!
You are still young enough to do it alone, I know how scary it is, Ive been seperated for going on 4 months & I miss him everyday, but its like Phil says I dont mourn the loss of the relationship I had I mourn te loss of the relationship I wanted. Im just now rebuilding my self esteemfrom him tearing it down for 6 yrs, so I feel for you... I know its scary, but Im 34 & we were together off & on for 11 yrs, we have a 10 yr old daughter(who has no self esteem either) so I know how hard it can be but you are young, if he doesnt think your relationship is worth whatever it takes--MOVE ON!!! There is no talking to him until he sees its not just you..
 
October 21, 2005, 5:17 pm CDT

hi

Quote From: raclmn

As I watched the show Friday, I could see my life thru each of the three guests.  First of all, I spent my entire childhood being abused by my mother.  She beat the hell out of me everyday ... from head to toe and with anything she could find in her reach.  I only fought back once in all those years and that was the day I found the courage to walk out of her house.  She had me on my bed choking me to death and I literally saw my life flashing in front of me.  I knew if I didn't do something, I would die right then and there.  I hauled off and knocked her across the room on top of my dresser.  I left not knowing where I was going or how I would make it, I just knew I would.  I have NEVER understood why she treated me the way she did.  I have one half brother and she never treated him this way.  He stood by and watched what I was going thru and begged her to stop everytime, but she always told him "shut up or I'll beat her harder and if you ever tell anyone, I'll beat you, too".  To this day, he denies ever seeing anything happening to me and is spending his life right now in prison for various issues.  I always thought she had mental issues, and so did others in the family, but according to her, there was NOTHING wrong.  She not only physically abused me, but I lived the mental / emotional abuse.  I was called every name in the book, I was told repeatedly what a loser I am, how ugly I am, how no one will ever want me, etc., etc.  After hearing it "all" for so many years, I've spent the rest of my life believing it ( I'm 38).  I have never been able to let go of the abuse.  I do not know how and definitely cannot afford counseling, which I finally am at a point in my life that I'm ready to have.  My mother died from a heart attack almost 2 years ago and her last words to me were "go to hell".  She blew up at me that summer before her heart attack and said those words to me and slammed the phone down.  I received a call early in the morning at the end of December that she was in ICU in a coma.  I put all harsh feelings aside and drove to be by her side.  I went back and forth for 3 weeks watching her hooked up to every machine they had.  I talked to her, I prayed for her and I cried my heart out.  I told her that I forgave her for all she put me thru, even though I don't think I really have.  I just do not know how to let go of the pain and anger.  She died the day before my oldest son's 10th birthday ... with everything between us still unsettled.  She went to her grave still saying and believing that she never hurt me in any way.  What's even sadder to me is that everyone in my family knew it was happening and NO ONE helped me out of the situation.  I'm still trying to deal with that issue, but I get all sorts of different stories from different people.  Basically, no one cared enough to want to raise me, so they let me live in hell.  Anyway, I went on to put myself thru college and afterwards got married.  That marriage lasted 9 years and I had two wonderful boys from it.  It ended in 2000 and, once again, my life started going to hell again.  I swore I'd never re-marry, but I did in August, 2001.  It was completely stupid on my part and I just wish I could go back to the day my divorce was final in 2000 and start over.  The guy I married is an alcoholic, but I never knew that until after "I do".  He kept it well hidden.  Two days before we married, I lost my job (which I still think he had something to do with).  It took me 8 months to find another one.  I lived in shear misery with him for one year and left.  I moved to an apt. knowing good and well that he'd come looking for me.  He did and has been back and forth more times than I can count.  I keep giving in to him thinking that there may still be some chance of hope that things will eventually work out.  He keeps giving up and running back to the alcohol.  When he's drinking, I'm called every name in the book and talked to so harsh and hateful.  It almost makes me wonder if he took lessons from my mother.  I have forgiven him over and over and over and .... it just never changes.  This has gone on for 4 years now and I just don't know how to let go.  I guess I should be thankful that he never abused me physically.  I've never loved a man ( the person he really is when he's not drunk )  like I have him and he is capable of showing and giving me love I've never known.  I guess that would have to be why I don't know how to let go.  I'm afraid I'll never feel love again and, maybe, deep inside, I'm trying to prove my mother wrong.  So, just as a few examples of what I've been thru in just the past 4 years ... I've lost custody of my boys, I've lost 2 jobs ( which I am now unemployed and have been for 6 1/2 months and can't find a job to save my life ), I lost my car ( because he made me feel sorry for him when he didn't have the money to pay his bills because he wouldn't get off his sorry ass and work, so I neglected mine and paid his ), I have married and divorced him, not once, but twice, in the past 4 years believing all the mumbo jumbo crap that he would give me the world and things would eventually work out, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah.  So, in a nutshell, I've spent my entire life in abuse of some kind and I do not know how to get away from it.  I have been suffering from depression for about 7 years now and can't seem to get away from that, either.  I know that I need professional counseling, but like I stated earlier, it takes money and that's the last thing I can afford without a job.  It is so hard to pick myself up everyday and keep going, but I think of my children and I find the strength.  I used to be a very strong person inside, but somewhere along the way, I lost it.  That and prayers is what got me thru my childhood.  I never knew, until I watched the show on Friday, 10/14/05, that anyone has been thru the ordeals I've been thru.  Our stories had differences, but I have lived a part of each of those women's lives.  I guess maybe this is my chance to vent, so if you're reading this, I know it's depressing, but it is the way things have been for me.  If just one person reads this and it helps, in any way, then it will have been worth the time I spent spilling my guts.  Thank you. 

Hello having read your story and having had the same things happen to me, i understand how you think. The first thing you need to understand is your mother was sick ,why do i know this because bad parenting comes from emotional damage. If you can accept  that life is a game and the rules are about learning helps. For excample, how do you learn the act of forgiveness, first you have to have bad things happen to you and you qualify. secondly , how do you learn to hate? by not forgiving or understanding why people do what they do. I'm not condoning such behavior ever. Yet i ask you, how do you learn better yourself if you are not tested.   

 
October 21, 2005, 10:31 pm CDT

EXCELLENT!!!!

Quote From: brenda8189

That's wonderful!  Good for you!  There is so much that I want to do with my life that at one time I used to share with my husband.  I don't share any dreams with him anymore.  His life seems to be the only thing important to him.  Sure, he will say he cares and loves me but, as long as I don't change or do anything to upset his life.   

This past couple of days he has been trying to be so nice.  I'm not buying it though.  It won't last, never does.  I'm finished. October 26....my whole life will change after I visit the attorney.  I have no idea how he is going to react.  I'm not sure whether to have someone here or just close by in case I need them.  I really have no idea.  But yet, at the same time, I'm so excited!  I can't wait to experience that same peace you found!  Thanks for your encouragement!  

  

 I remember the numerous apologies that my ex-boyfriend gave me after he abused me. In reality they were just words, empty words. The only reason these individuals are nice is so they can continue to mold us - break us. But you are right, they are never nice for long and then it is back to the same cycle - the cycle of abuse.

It is awesome that you are going to step away from this person and this relationship. Thank God! I think having someone around when he hears the news is a great idea as your safety is most important. Have you thought of moving out on your own - can you afford to do this or perhaps move in with a friend until this matter is dealt with? These suggestions are not only for safety reasons but also to maintain your independence so that he won't lure you back with empty promises. Just a thought.

You will find peace, it may take awhile, but you will find it.

I am so ecstatic to hear about one more woman breaking free from an abusive spouse.  WOW!!

Take care and let us know how you are doing or if you just need to vent.
 
October 23, 2005, 7:18 pm CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Quote From: mitlob

I'm glad to hear you're not buying it. The trying to be nice maneuver.  I was speaking with a friend today who is still in an abusive relationship.  I know being abused I'm a textbook example of no self esteem etc.  But with speaking with her today, remembering my ex and reading your posting.  The abuser is a textbook himself.  The same tactics used over and over.  Intimidation, verbal abuse, sometimes physical abuse sometimes a combo then the manipulation game.  He's sorry....got to be so frequent he quit saying sorry.  And if you don't respond the way he expects to his "niceness"  the whole nasty cycle begins again.   Whew!!!!  It was such an exhausting life to live.  I hadn't realized until the end just how tired I had gotten from it all.  I got so depressed that I didn't have the will to do anything but retreat inside myself with the isolation he put me in.  Cutting me off from hobbies, family and friends and keeping my shameful secret to myself.   

And yes, your whole life will change after the attorney if you let it and for the better.  You should be so proud of yourself having the courage and strength to face the fear of the unknown.  I know first hand and I'm sure many others on this board know the paralyzing fear of what is out there?  Seems weird after you're out and away from it.  I think to myself now, people must have thought I was crazy to have stayed in such a relationship.  But we all know that fear.......greater than your fear of him......the UNKNOWN.   

I've only just begun to talk of my abuse.  I didn't want the label abused hanging around my neck with the other failures...divorced.....single mom.....destroyed the family.  All those crazy labels I was willing to give myself.  I have found my identity and want to reach out and encourage anyone with similar feelings that you are doing the right thing.  You do deserve better.  All the cliches I heard in counseling really are true....you just need to get to the place within yourself where they cease to become cliches and become who you are.   I wish you peace and happiness.  Both attainable. 

You know, I start thinking, maybe I should try it again, give this marriage another chance but, you know what?  I read all the replies and know that that would be the stupidest thing I could ever do!  Bless each and every one of you!  I need this support so much right now!  I really do!  

  

Wednesday is the day I go to the attorney.  4:00 pm....I'm going to do this!    

  

Friday night, I sat in the livingroom with my husband and watched movies.  This is how he enjoys our time together.  I sit in the chair, he dozes on the couch....as long as I'm there is what is important to him.  Well, the story of Tina Turner came on.  I've seen it a dozen times.   It never touched me before like it did that night.  I saw her fear, felt it, even though I've never been hit by him, I felt that fear.  I was sitting there watching that movie and I started to cry and I said out loud that I know what she is feeling.  He heard me but never said a word.    

  

He doesnt have a clue that I am going Wednesday.  I thought it best.  But, its time to change things and I can do it because all of you have.  Thank you so much each and everyone of you.   

  

God Bless!   

  

I'll keep you all posted.  

 
First | Prev | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | Next | Last