Topic : 10/14 "Kick 'em to the Curb!"

You know, I start thinking, maybe I should try it again, give this marriage another chance but, you know what?  I read all the replies and know that that would be the stupidest thing I could ever do!  Bless each and every one of you!  I need this support so much right now!  I really do!  

Wednesday is the day I go to the attorney.  4:00 pm....I'm going to do this!    

Friday night, I sat in the livingroom with my husband and watched movies.  This is how he enjoys our time together.  I sit in the chair, he dozes on the couch....as long as I'm there is what is important to him.  Well, the story of Tina Turner came on.  I've seen it a dozen times.   It never touched me before like it did that night.  I saw her fear, felt it, even though I've never been hit by him, I felt that fear.  I was sitting there watching that movie and I started to cry and I said out loud that I know what she is feeling.  He heard me but never said a word.    

He doesnt have a clue that I am going Wednesday.  I thought it best.  But, its time to change things and I can do it because all of you have.  Thank you so much each and everyone of you.   

God Bless!   

I'll keep you all posted.  

Nathalie, 

I think I could have written your story :-)  I was also a teacher before kids and 2nd marriage, and have lost both of my parents in the last 3 yrs (I am 35). 

My 2nd husband and I have the relationship that I had set my sights on since my first marriage ended.  He does have two sons from his first marriage (19 and 20yrs old), and we did raise them through their tumultuous teen years (yikes!!!!).  We were dealing with the boys during the time my parents were dying.   The good thing, was that the boy's mom was supportive of how we dealt with the problems, and we also backed her up with her decisions too.  They decided early on that they had to have a working relationship if they wanted to be the best parents for their sons.  Even with the teenage problems, I think they both did well. 

The support should be give and take--regardless of the situation (in my Pollyanna head), some people don't deal well with support because they just don't know what to say or how to deal with it.  So if that is so, please take that into consideration.  If this isn't the case, think about taking a break from each other, or not.  Also, think about looking into a support group/individual to help with your grieving.  I think typically women have an easier time asking/receiving support from other women then from men.  I know there are exceptions of course. 

It's times like this that I would love to take a vacation to someplace tropical :-) 

Take care of yourself! 

Yes, you did the right thing!  I was in a similar relationship in my first marriage.  I stayed 17 years and it never got better.  Finally,  I got up the nerve to leave him and was finally set free and happy!!  If he hits once, you can be sure he will do it again and again.  I stayed for the kids but they would have been better off had I left years before.   

Take care of yourself.........his anger is his problem and he needs to deal with it himself.....you can't help him. 

I know what it is like to want someone back who obviously loves you. What I have learned is that just because someone loves you it doesn't mean they are healthy enough to show you love. He may want to be with you too but unless he has had serious help (2 - 5 years) it don't think you can trust his ability to be a whole person for you. Another thing that I have learned is that we need to heal ourselves too. There is something in us that enables the bad behaviour and usually it is just because we want so desperately to be loved. Usually we are addicted to the person and their love is one of the only things that we are sure we need to make our world turn. I hope that you can find a peace inside of you that says I do not need another person to complete me. Then when you find someone who you have feelings for you can see if he is choosing you instead of being infatuated with you and you can choose him too. That is where you will find your true love. Ask yourself the question "Is he pursuing me or am I doing all the pursuing?" If he is pursuing you can you see changes in his behaviour that you can trust? Don't tell yourself what you want to hear make sure it is the truth. Bottom Line TRUST THE BEHAVIOUR!   

Most importantly I hope you can find the help you need to be healthier in you next relationship. 

I was separated from my husband for 3 months and felt so desperate for his loving arms and friendship. He wants to change and has the biggest heart but as long as I keep rescuing him why would he have to. I think you are doing your man a favour by letting him feel the consequences of his actions. If he needs to find comfort in someone elses arms then he is not even close to being able to be committed to you and you are on the right track.  

 Everybody feels confused about does he or she love me for the right reasons. What are the right reasons? I Dont believe we have many chances for love. As long as the needs are being met. and both people are telling eachother there needs and wants, and there is no aduse I believe you should give thanks to the lord that you someone who would give you their heart and soul. Life is hard. School, Jobs, kidds, friends dreams not yet foefelled. Its easy to take out your fears and insecurities on someone you might have to high of expections of. It's not fare to blame your spouse .a)Sitting down and dealing with shoulda coulda wouldsa. Becouse without trying to fix things. It's not far to your love . b) Love  happens for strange reasons. Marriege is something we have to work at. We need to be strong aswell as forgiving. Forgive those who treaspass.    None of us are perfict. We all are of flesh no one is put on this earth to complete us. I believe we need to learn to communacate better. FIRST you love God then yourself. A man can only be as good of a spouse as their communacation will allow. Love may not be the only thing But without it you will live a lonely life. You need to think about all the people that a decession with that much implacation has will affect. We all have our trials and tribulations. God test our marriges Its how we deal with them is how we are judged. Our vows have to mean something when your spouse needs you in the time of need don't let them down or test them. If he does'nt know what to fix or better how to fix it thats when you need to communacate the most. Never test a man we are not wired the same. Men perseave things different.      

                                                  Forgiveness  Mark 11:25 26   Eph 4:31,32  

As I watched the show Friday, I could see my life thru each of the three guests.  First of all, I spent my entire childhood being abused by my mother.  She beat the hell out of me everyday ... from head to toe and with anything she could find in her reach.  I only fought back once in all those years and that was the day I found the courage to walk out of her house.  She had me on my bed choking me to death and I literally saw my life flashing in front of me.  I knew if I didn't do something, I would die right then and there.  I hauled off and knocked her across the room on top of my dresser.  I left not knowing where I was going or how I would make it, I just knew I would.  I have NEVER understood why she treated me the way she did.  I have one half brother and she never treated him this way.  He stood by and watched what I was going thru and begged her to stop everytime, but she always told him "shut up or I'll beat her harder and if you ever tell anyone, I'll beat you, too".  To this day, he denies ever seeing anything happening to me and is spending his life right now in prison for various issues.  I always thought she had mental issues, and so did others in the family, but according to her, there was NOTHING wrong.  She not only physically abused me, but I lived the mental / emotional abuse.  I was called every name in the book, I was told repeatedly what a loser I am, how ugly I am, how no one will ever want me, etc., etc.  After hearing it "all" for so many years, I've spent the rest of my life believing it ( I'm 38).  I have never been able to let go of the abuse.  I do not know how and definitely cannot afford counseling, which I finally am at a point in my life that I'm ready to have.  My mother died from a heart attack almost 2 years ago and her last words to me were "go to hell".  She blew up at me that summer before her heart attack and said those words to me and slammed the phone down.  I received a call early in the morning at the end of December that she was in ICU in a coma.  I put all harsh feelings aside and drove to be by her side.  I went back and forth for 3 weeks watching her hooked up to every machine they had.  I talked to her, I prayed for her and I cried my heart out.  I told her that I forgave her for all she put me thru, even though I don't think I really have.  I just do not know how to let go of the pain and anger.  She died the day before my oldest son's 10th birthday ... with everything between us still unsettled.  She went to her grave still saying and believing that she never hurt me in any way.  What's even sadder to me is that everyone in my family knew it was happening and NO ONE helped me out of the situation.  I'm still trying to deal with that issue, but I get all sorts of different stories from different people.  Basically, no one cared enough to want to raise me, so they let me live in hell.  Anyway, I went on to put myself thru college and afterwards got married.  That marriage lasted 9 years and I had two wonderful boys from it.  It ended in 2000 and, once again, my life started going to hell again.  I swore I'd never re-marry, but I did in August, 2001.  It was completely stupid on my part and I just wish I could go back to the day my divorce was final in 2000 and start over.  The guy I married is an alcoholic, but I never knew that until after "I do".  He kept it well hidden.  Two days before we married, I lost my job (which I still think he had something to do with).  It took me 8 months to find another one.  I lived in shear misery with him for one year and left.  I moved to an apt. knowing good and well that he'd come looking for me.  He did and has been back and forth more times than I can count.  I keep giving in to him thinking that there may still be some chance of hope that things will eventually work out.  He keeps giving up and running back to the alcohol.  When he's drinking, I'm called every name in the book and talked to so harsh and hateful.  It almost makes me wonder if he took lessons from my mother.  I have forgiven him over and over and over and .... it just never changes.  This has gone on for 4 years now and I just don't know how to let go.  I guess I should be thankful that he never abused me physically.  I've never loved a man ( the person he really is when he's not drunk )  like I have him and he is capable of showing and giving me love I've never known.  I guess that would have to be why I don't know how to let go.  I'm afraid I'll never feel love again and, maybe, deep inside, I'm trying to prove my mother wrong.  So, just as a few examples of what I've been thru in just the past 4 years ... I've lost custody of my boys, I've lost 2 jobs ( which I am now unemployed and have been for 6 1/2 months and can't find a job to save my life ), I lost my car ( because he made me feel sorry for him when he didn't have the money to pay his bills because he wouldn't get off his sorry ass and work, so I neglected mine and paid his ), I have married and divorced him, not once, but twice, in the past 4 years believing all the mumbo jumbo crap that he would give me the world and things would eventually work out, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah.  So, in a nutshell, I've spent my entire life in abuse of some kind and I do not know how to get away from it.  I have been suffering from depression for about 7 years now and can't seem to get away from that, either.  I know that I need professional counseling, but like I stated earlier, it takes money and that's the last thing I can afford without a job.  It is so hard to pick myself up everyday and keep going, but I think of my children and I find the strength.  I used to be a very strong person inside, but somewhere along the way, I lost it.  That and prayers is what got me thru my childhood.  I never knew, until I watched the show on Friday, 10/14/05, that anyone has been thru the ordeals I've been thru.  Our stories had differences, but I have lived a part of each of those women's lives.  I guess maybe this is my chance to vent, so if you're reading this, I know it's depressing, but it is the way things have been for me.  If just one person reads this and it helps, in any way, then it will have been worth the time I spent spilling my guts.  Thank you. 

Honestly, you have no clue what the woman is talking about!!!  You can nibble on their ears and they swat you like a fly.  They get major UPSET if you interrupt them.  THE MAN IS EMOTIONALLY BANKRUPT, and she cannot change him.  Yes, she can do everything with the kids, and does, AS I DO.  they don't want to get involved in family life, they don't care!  I have been married to a man for 15 years the same idential way.  It doesn't matter how much you cry, talk, write, send up smoke signals, etc.  they don't care.  They have to want to change.  There is nothing you can do about it.  It just makes you sick to be married and feel like a single parent.  These men are not there for their wives, or their children.   IT IS ALL ABOUT THEM.   Selfish from the word go!   I am finally at the point where I don't give a rat's whatever what he does, or when he does it.  He will go for days and not speak to me or the children.  Makes for a wonderful life!!!      

Telling this woman to join this man in his gaming is STUPID in my opinion.  Not only will it not work, it will make him worse than before.  HE HAS TO WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH HIS FAMILY, HE HAS TO WANT TO PLUG IN, nobody can make him.