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Topic : 10/14 "Kick 'em to the Curb!"

Number of Replies: 253
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Created on : Friday, October 07, 2005, 03:44:27 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

How do you know when it's time to kick that relationship to the curb? Dr. Phil's first guest is four months pregnant with her boyfriend's baby. He wants her to leave him alone, and she wants to know if she should let go of the relationship.What does Dr. Phil think? Next, Dr. Phil follows-up with two women whose marriages were in crisis. Sheila's husband, Steve, was a raging alcoholic. She would beat him when he was drunk, almost killing him. Did she take Dr. Phil's advice? And where is Steve now? Then, Michelle was living a cycle of abuse at the hands of her husband. Did she finally say, "No more," to the violence? Dr. Phil has advice for knowing when it's time to get out. Can you relate? Share your story.

 

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October 24, 2005, 10:00 am CDT

you only have to do it once

Quote From: brenda8189

You know, I start thinking, maybe I should try it again, give this marriage another chance but, you know what?  I read all the replies and know that that would be the stupidest thing I could ever do!  Bless each and every one of you!  I need this support so much right now!  I really do!  

  

Wednesday is the day I go to the attorney.  4:00 pm....I'm going to do this!    

  

Friday night, I sat in the livingroom with my husband and watched movies.  This is how he enjoys our time together.  I sit in the chair, he dozes on the couch....as long as I'm there is what is important to him.  Well, the story of Tina Turner came on.  I've seen it a dozen times.   It never touched me before like it did that night.  I saw her fear, felt it, even though I've never been hit by him, I felt that fear.  I was sitting there watching that movie and I started to cry and I said out loud that I know what she is feeling.  He heard me but never said a word.    

  

He doesnt have a clue that I am going Wednesday.  I thought it best.  But, its time to change things and I can do it because all of you have.  Thank you so much each and everyone of you.   

  

God Bless!   

  

I'll keep you all posted.  

So you are headed there Wednesday.  Everytime I struggled through the PFAs, and other legal situations of my divorce my sister would tell me.  You only have to do it once.  And she is so right.  You can make it through this and you don't have to do it again.  I hadn't realized you were still living together.  When you go to the attorney on Wednesday will you move out?  I can see why you are anxious and apprehensive for his reaction to the news.  I was terrified for three days waiting for my ex to receive the PFA order and the police to remove him.   Trying to act as if everything was normal.  What a joke that normal was and for that matter the normal I lived with.  If you feel that he will become dangerous to your safety, please make arrangements to have yourself out and in a safe place.  It's hard putting on the "everything is ok" face now that you are close to making the changes for the better.  Don't put yourself at risk.    

It's only natural to think that you should try and make this work.  Most of us want the relationship to work.  The only problem is we cannot fix it or make it work when you are in an abusive relationship.  The abuser would have to change for this to happen and frankly most abusers just want it to go back to the way it was.  Them in control and you wondering and working on changing yourself to accomodate them.  It is such a false sense of control.  When you think if I just do this or if I don't do that he won't react this way.   This is wrong wrong wrong.  You cannot control his actions and words only he can.    Good luck on Wednesday.....I will keep you in my thoughts. 

 
October 24, 2005, 6:15 pm CDT

Thank you

Quote From: mysolje

Nathalie, 

I think I could have written your story :-)  I was also a teacher before kids and 2nd marriage, and have lost both of my parents in the last 3 yrs (I am 35). 

  

My 2nd husband and I have the relationship that I had set my sights on since my first marriage ended.  He does have two sons from his first marriage (19 and 20yrs old), and we did raise them through their tumultuous teen years (yikes!!!!).  We were dealing with the boys during the time my parents were dying.   The good thing, was that the boy's mom was supportive of how we dealt with the problems, and we also backed her up with her decisions too.  They decided early on that they had to have a working relationship if they wanted to be the best parents for their sons.  Even with the teenage problems, I think they both did well. 

  

The support should be give and take--regardless of the situation (in my Pollyanna head), some people don't deal well with support because they just don't know what to say or how to deal with it.  So if that is so, please take that into consideration.  If this isn't the case, think about taking a break from each other, or not.  Also, think about looking into a support group/individual to help with your grieving.  I think typically women have an easier time asking/receiving support from other women then from men.  I know there are exceptions of course. 

  

It's times like this that I would love to take a vacation to someplace tropical :-) 

Take care of yourself! 

 Dear mysolje,

Thank you for the kind reply. I read every word and took them to heart. Congrats on raising two teenages boys; that must have been,,, uhmm,,, "fun" hehe So sorry to hear you have lost both your parents; I at least still have my father and both stepparents (my parents were divorced and remarried). I am also happy your 2nd marriage is giving you the happiness you sought.

In regards to my situation, I did seek help and support by returning to my therapist; who helped me a few years back as I broke free of my last relationship.  I also think you touched a point when you mention "some people don't deal well with support because they just don't know what to say or how to deal with it. "  Recently, my boyfriend came to visit as I was having a tough time and he admitted not knowing what to do; and how bad he felt for not having been there for me the way I have always been for him. So yes I am taking that into consideration.  My therapist suggested he should come to a session or two so we can talk through some of what happened ; and he agreed to do so. He is hoping it will help me let go of the frustrationa nd anger I built up,,, and help him let go of the guilt he feels and learn how to handle things better in the future. So I am very hopeful.

If you ever go on a tropical vacation, TAKE ME WITH YOU! :D hehehe
Thanks again for the message and take care as well.
 
October 26, 2005, 3:51 pm CDT

To Rachel

Rachel, for the sake of that child you're carrying--out of love for the baby--I hope you will seriously consider offering it for adoption.  That male (he is NOT a man) who sired it is...well, he's told the world what he is.  And from what you said on the show, you have a ways to go yourself.  The babe deserves a stable, loving family...a mother and a father.  Just give it some thought--for Baby's sake. 

 
October 27, 2005, 1:53 pm CDT

THANK YOU

Quote From: dedra22

Yes, you did the right thing!  I was in a similar relationship in my first marriage.  I stayed 17 years and it never got better.  Finally,  I got up the nerve to leave him and was finally set free and happy!!  If he hits once, you can be sure he will do it again and again.  I stayed for the kids but they would have been better off had I left years before.   

Take care of yourself.........his anger is his problem and he needs to deal with it himself.....you can't help him. 

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR REPLY. I AM GLAD TO HEAR THAT YOU LEFT HIM. YOUR RIGHT HIS ANGER IS HIS PROBLEM, NOT MINE. I AM NOT TO BLAME FOR IT, EVEN THOUGH THAT IS HOW HE HAS MADE ME FEEL. I AM ALREADY STARTING TO TALK TO MY OLD FRIENDS AND THEY ALSO ARE HELPING ME THROUGH THIS TIME IN MY LIFE. YOUR ALSO RIGHT THAT I SHOULD LEAVE, FEEL LIKE I AM SET FREE AND BE HAPPY.  THANK YOU AGAIN FOR YOUR RESPONSE, AND I AM HAPPY TO KNOW THAT I AIN'T THE ONLY ONE OUT THERE THAT HAS BEEN THROUGH THIS ORDEAL AND VERY HAPPY TO KNOW THAT YOU AND I HAVE GOT OUT OF THE CONTROLLING POWERFUL SITUATION THAT OUR EX HUSBANDS HAVE PUT US THROUGH.
 
November 11, 2005, 9:55 pm CST

Brillia Love is something we cant control

Quote From: lculver

THANK YOU!

 Everybody feels confused about does he or she love me for the right reasons. What are the right reasons? I Dont believe we have many chances for love. As long as the needs are being met. and both people are telling eachother there needs and wants, and there is no aduse I believe you should give thanks to the lord that you someone who would give you their heart and soul. Life is hard. School, Jobs, kidds, friends dreams not yet foefelled. Its easy to take out your fears and insecurities on someone you might have to high of expections of. It's not fare to blame your spouse .a)Sitting down and dealing with shoulda coulda wouldsa. Becouse without trying to fix things. It's not far to your love . b) Love  happens for strange reasons. Marriege is something we have to work at. We need to be strong aswell as forgiving. Forgive those who treaspass.    None of us are perfict. We all are of flesh no one is put on this earth to complete us. I believe we need to learn to communacate better. FIRST you love God then yourself. A man can only be as good of a spouse as their communacation will allow. Love may not be the only thing But without it you will live a lonely life. You need to think about all the people that a decession with that much implacation has will affect. We all have our trials and tribulations. God test our marriges Its how we deal with them is how we are judged. Our vows have to mean something when your spouse needs you in the time of need don't let them down or test them. If he does'nt know what to fix or better how to fix it thats when you need to communacate the most. Never test a man we are not wired the same. Men perseave things different.      

                                                  Forgiveness  Mark 11:25 26   Eph 4:31,32  

    

 
November 12, 2005, 12:34 am CST

Love Him Let him show you I Love you Van A

Quote From: brillia

I know what it is like to want someone back who obviously loves you. What I have learned is that just because someone loves you it doesn't mean they are healthy enough to show you love. He may want to be with you too but unless he has had serious help (2 - 5 years) it don't think you can trust his ability to be a whole person for you. Another thing that I have learned is that we need to heal ourselves too. There is something in us that enables the bad behaviour and usually it is just because we want so desperately to be loved. Usually we are addicted to the person and their love is one of the only things that we are sure we need to make our world turn. I hope that you can find a peace inside of you that says I do not need another person to complete me. Then when you find someone who you have feelings for you can see if he is choosing you instead of being infatuated with you and you can choose him too. That is where you will find your true love. Ask yourself the question "Is he pursuing me or am I doing all the pursuing?" If he is pursuing you can you see changes in his behaviour that you can trust? Don't tell yourself what you want to hear make sure it is the truth. Bottom Line TRUST THE BEHAVIOUR!   

  

Most importantly I hope you can find the help you need to be healthier in you next relationship. 

  

I was separated from my husband for 3 months and felt so desperate for his loving arms and friendship. He wants to change and has the biggest heart but as long as I keep rescuing him why would he have to. I think you are doing your man a favour by letting him feel the consequences of his actions. If he needs to find comfort in someone elses arms then he is not even close to being able to be committed to you and you are on the right track.  

V Sometimes we don't handle things the way we should. I know on my part I will do things with a  whole more consideration for yours and our daughter feelings. I can and Will be a better husband friend and lover. I want us to achieve all the dreams we had together. Trust me I havent forgotten. Iam not the same man. God has opened my eyes and soul. I now realize the amount of pain and anguish you went threw. I never ment for you to hurt. Letting you down as a friend was one of the things I never wanted to do. You are my best friend. I took for granted that I was being a good enough friend. I was wrong. I know it's been hard on you as well. There where to many people Who had a negative influince in our Relationship. And that will never happen again.  Please give us another chance. These are not just stereo typical words or responses.          

 

                                                      Love You Always, 

 

                                                                  D 

 
November 12, 2005, 1:24 am CST

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Quote From: birdie03

 Everybody feels confused about does he or she love me for the right reasons. What are the right reasons? I Dont believe we have many chances for love. As long as the needs are being met. and both people are telling eachother there needs and wants, and there is no aduse I believe you should give thanks to the lord that you someone who would give you their heart and soul. Life is hard. School, Jobs, kidds, friends dreams not yet foefelled. Its easy to take out your fears and insecurities on someone you might have to high of expections of. It's not fare to blame your spouse .a)Sitting down and dealing with shoulda coulda wouldsa. Becouse without trying to fix things. It's not far to your love . b) Love  happens for strange reasons. Marriege is something we have to work at. We need to be strong aswell as forgiving. Forgive those who treaspass.    None of us are perfict. We all are of flesh no one is put on this earth to complete us. I believe we need to learn to communacate better. FIRST you love God then yourself. A man can only be as good of a spouse as their communacation will allow. Love may not be the only thing But without it you will live a lonely life. You need to think about all the people that a decession with that much implacation has will affect. We all have our trials and tribulations. God test our marriges Its how we deal with them is how we are judged. Our vows have to mean something when your spouse needs you in the time of need don't let them down or test them. If he does'nt know what to fix or better how to fix it thats when you need to communacate the most. Never test a man we are not wired the same. Men perseave things different.      

                                                  Forgiveness  Mark 11:25 26   Eph 4:31,32  

    

 
November 24, 2005, 6:43 am CST

There is Life After Co-Dependency

Quote From: raclmn

As I watched the show Friday, I could see my life thru each of the three guests.  First of all, I spent my entire childhood being abused by my mother.  She beat the hell out of me everyday ... from head to toe and with anything she could find in her reach.  I only fought back once in all those years and that was the day I found the courage to walk out of her house.  She had me on my bed choking me to death and I literally saw my life flashing in front of me.  I knew if I didn't do something, I would die right then and there.  I hauled off and knocked her across the room on top of my dresser.  I left not knowing where I was going or how I would make it, I just knew I would.  I have NEVER understood why she treated me the way she did.  I have one half brother and she never treated him this way.  He stood by and watched what I was going thru and begged her to stop everytime, but she always told him "shut up or I'll beat her harder and if you ever tell anyone, I'll beat you, too".  To this day, he denies ever seeing anything happening to me and is spending his life right now in prison for various issues.  I always thought she had mental issues, and so did others in the family, but according to her, there was NOTHING wrong.  She not only physically abused me, but I lived the mental / emotional abuse.  I was called every name in the book, I was told repeatedly what a loser I am, how ugly I am, how no one will ever want me, etc., etc.  After hearing it "all" for so many years, I've spent the rest of my life believing it ( I'm 38).  I have never been able to let go of the abuse.  I do not know how and definitely cannot afford counseling, which I finally am at a point in my life that I'm ready to have.  My mother died from a heart attack almost 2 years ago and her last words to me were "go to hell".  She blew up at me that summer before her heart attack and said those words to me and slammed the phone down.  I received a call early in the morning at the end of December that she was in ICU in a coma.  I put all harsh feelings aside and drove to be by her side.  I went back and forth for 3 weeks watching her hooked up to every machine they had.  I talked to her, I prayed for her and I cried my heart out.  I told her that I forgave her for all she put me thru, even though I don't think I really have.  I just do not know how to let go of the pain and anger.  She died the day before my oldest son's 10th birthday ... with everything between us still unsettled.  She went to her grave still saying and believing that she never hurt me in any way.  What's even sadder to me is that everyone in my family knew it was happening and NO ONE helped me out of the situation.  I'm still trying to deal with that issue, but I get all sorts of different stories from different people.  Basically, no one cared enough to want to raise me, so they let me live in hell.  Anyway, I went on to put myself thru college and afterwards got married.  That marriage lasted 9 years and I had two wonderful boys from it.  It ended in 2000 and, once again, my life started going to hell again.  I swore I'd never re-marry, but I did in August, 2001.  It was completely stupid on my part and I just wish I could go back to the day my divorce was final in 2000 and start over.  The guy I married is an alcoholic, but I never knew that until after "I do".  He kept it well hidden.  Two days before we married, I lost my job (which I still think he had something to do with).  It took me 8 months to find another one.  I lived in shear misery with him for one year and left.  I moved to an apt. knowing good and well that he'd come looking for me.  He did and has been back and forth more times than I can count.  I keep giving in to him thinking that there may still be some chance of hope that things will eventually work out.  He keeps giving up and running back to the alcohol.  When he's drinking, I'm called every name in the book and talked to so harsh and hateful.  It almost makes me wonder if he took lessons from my mother.  I have forgiven him over and over and over and .... it just never changes.  This has gone on for 4 years now and I just don't know how to let go.  I guess I should be thankful that he never abused me physically.  I've never loved a man ( the person he really is when he's not drunk )  like I have him and he is capable of showing and giving me love I've never known.  I guess that would have to be why I don't know how to let go.  I'm afraid I'll never feel love again and, maybe, deep inside, I'm trying to prove my mother wrong.  So, just as a few examples of what I've been thru in just the past 4 years ... I've lost custody of my boys, I've lost 2 jobs ( which I am now unemployed and have been for 6 1/2 months and can't find a job to save my life ), I lost my car ( because he made me feel sorry for him when he didn't have the money to pay his bills because he wouldn't get off his sorry ass and work, so I neglected mine and paid his ), I have married and divorced him, not once, but twice, in the past 4 years believing all the mumbo jumbo crap that he would give me the world and things would eventually work out, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah.  So, in a nutshell, I've spent my entire life in abuse of some kind and I do not know how to get away from it.  I have been suffering from depression for about 7 years now and can't seem to get away from that, either.  I know that I need professional counseling, but like I stated earlier, it takes money and that's the last thing I can afford without a job.  It is so hard to pick myself up everyday and keep going, but I think of my children and I find the strength.  I used to be a very strong person inside, but somewhere along the way, I lost it.  That and prayers is what got me thru my childhood.  I never knew, until I watched the show on Friday, 10/14/05, that anyone has been thru the ordeals I've been thru.  Our stories had differences, but I have lived a part of each of those women's lives.  I guess maybe this is my chance to vent, so if you're reading this, I know it's depressing, but it is the way things have been for me.  If just one person reads this and it helps, in any way, then it will have been worth the time I spent spilling my guts.  Thank you. 

Hello, 

I am responding to your story because in some ways it is similar to my own past. I believe that you are repeating a cycle of abuse, by marrying an abusive person. I can relate, as I did that myself a few times. I left an abusive alcoholic spouse after nearly 10 years. I left not when He abused me, but after my then 15 yr old came to tell me what He'd been doing to Her. I confronted Him, with Her present immediately. I was scared to death to leave before it became an obvious threat to my children. I look at the past, now after nearly 16 years away from this man and could truly kick myself for not having left right away. I did because of what happened to my Daughter, (by my first marriage) when I should have years before, for what he was putting me through(and consequently my children). I rationalized staying for years, I didn't want to be divorced again, I could make it work, totally miserable, depressed, hurt, dependent financially, and 2000 miles from my family. I tried to get help, for the emotional abuse a few times, it did help, but I stayed, going through miserable situation after miserable situation, til as I said, my Daughter came to me. She came to me the morning after an severe srgument between myself and my husband, about my threatening to leave( I had threatened it so many times, but was terrified that since I was without money or resources, that leaving would make me and my children homeless and penniless, that I might not even be able to fee them) My Husband, who was a mean drunk had been wittnessed by my young Sons, threatening me. When I had stated that I'd leave, He said, "Your not getting rid of me like you did the first one, and when I want to get rid of you, I'll shoot you between the eyes"  My Sons told my Daughter the next morning, She came to me and asked if it were true, when I said that it had happened just that way, She said "I hate Him" then went on to tell me about His coercing Her to keep quite about things he was doing to Her. He had told Her if She tole me, that Her little Brothers would have to grow up w/out a Dad, like She had. Well I am ashamed to say, that even this did not give me the backbone to leave. My Daughter went to stay w/ my Mother, I listened to a screwy marriage counselor, who promised that We could turn this around, if my Husband and I attended marriage counseling. What happened was as soon as My He figured out that He wouldn't be prosecuted, He quit going to counseling. Then ensued several more weeks of My going to marriage counseling by myself, and the situation w/ that counselor becoming detrimental to my emotional health. He literally would call ma, make me responsible for my husband not coming to counseling, then use what I said to Him, whenever my husband did go. I explained, in front of my husband, to this counselor, that it felt like when he used me, or what I said during sessions w/ my husband, that He was giving my husband permission to abuse me. I was a basket case, I felt like I was having a nervous breakdown. I left my children w/ friends, and went to visit a Girlfriend out of state. I felt at the time that I could not stay w/ my husband, but that I could not leave, because of all the fears. I was gone for a week. Did not even tell my girlfriend(or any friends) at the time why. I had confided in my Daughter 's best friends Mom, whom I barely knew at the time. I was too ashamed at still being in the home w/ Him.  

When I got back, feeling a just little stronger, during the next session This counselor said, You're using this, your getting what you want out of this. You got a vacation out of this didn't you. I was in shock, I stood up to leave, He said, "Oh sure, quit run".  So, like a good co-dependent, I sat back down....at the end of this session, he was setting up the next appointment, and I at least had the backbone to say, i will never be back to see you again. I drove away, in a state of shoke...right to the only person that knew the truth. Thank goodness, She made me call the hospital. I was able to speak to a counselor there, who told me, never to go back to that counselor again. that I needed a counselor just for myself, to be able to make some logical, rational decisions. I had to wait 3 weeks, but eventually went through several weeks of counseling, with a wonderful counselor who truly believe saved my life. I stayed stuck, afraid to leave, afraid to stay for weeks. Eventually, She had me research my options, what would happen to me and my kids, if I left the home. What happened is poetic justice, eventually My husband cut the strings Himself. In response to His not being able to trigger my reacting to His threats, His abusive comments, which totally threw Him, He said to me one evening. You are stupid to listen to counselors, you are stupid to go to alanon, and if you hadn't been so stupid, I wouldn't have gotten away with what I did to your kid for so long" I felt a release at that very moment. I looked at Him, proubibly seeing the real Him for the first time, and said. you don't know what you just did for me. The very next day, as my currernt counselor had asked me to do, I began exploring my options, and the process of taking my children, and leaving the home. When I did go talk to Social Services, they helped me, found me low income housing, I went to even more counseling, as I was referred to a co-dependency support group. I learned so much about me, what unacceptable behavior is. why I didn't react "normally" to this unacceptable behavior. How I had been conditioned, and by virtue of remaining in an abusive marriage, was conditioning my children to themselves being, or becoming abusers.  

I know this is a long reply, believe it or not, I've edited it alot. But, I am trying to show, maybe by sharing my own experience, that We are sometimes our own worst enemy. There is something inside of the abused person, that hopeless romantic, hopeless martyr that clings to the mistaken idea that if we hold on tight enough, long enough, sacrifice ourselves, our values, or very being enough, the abuser will awake, change His ways. It can happen, I'm still sure of that. The abuser has to work hard, be willing and to change themselves. Just as the abused person has to change. But, what you accept, you teach. If the results in marriage counseling are similar to mine, or others. if the promises are lies, are manipulating you into staying. Then walk, no run away.  

It wasn't easy, I took my children through several supportive groups, went through a horrible custody battle, knowing logically that He didn't have a prayer, but still being emotionally terrified, it took me almost 2 years to stop feeling that sick dread in the pit of your stomach, the walking on eggshells fears that are ingrained in you when you are emotionally abused like I was. But, I would go through it again, my only regret was that there wasn't yet a program on TV like Dr. Phil, where He tells it like it is, and where people share so much of their own experiences, so that you can feel as though you are not alone. Please feel free to write to me, I am happen to answer any questions, since I've been stuck like you are describing. Hang onto the strengths that got you out of the situation as a youngster, review the success you had, the efforts and hard work that you put into getting through school and improving your life. Your inner strengths are still there, bruised, perhaps more battered, but you are a survivor. Check local listings in your paper for co-dependency groups, alanon, emotions anonamous, whatever group seems most like a fit for you. Visit them, find the one that makes you grow. It is scarey, it is at first often uncomfortable. I eventually became so strong that I was coaching other stuck victims. There may also be, because of lack of income, free counseling etc. in your area. Go to an Abused spouse group, Talk to others, or to Agency's, you will find good support!! You can do it for YOU!!  

  

 
December 20, 2005, 4:32 am CST

the other half of the story

Quote From: elle474

I know that you feel my decision is harsh, but it the only way I can survive right now.  My boys have NO relationship with their father.  if i have to leave them here with them, the oldest one tells me that he will watch his younger brother cause he knows daddy won't.  i have tried, without criticizing my husband to them, to guide them on how to treat their wives some day.  both of my boys will tell you, daddy loves nascar more than he loves us, that is all he cares about.  i have tried to guide them in the fact that even though they are male, they can open up about their feelings, they can cry if they get hurt, and they always have the power to either, make another human being feel better about themselves, or worse, just by words or actions.  my kids know the real score, they have seen it their whole lives.  my 14 yr old now doesn't care about a relationship with his dad anyway.  he says if he just leaves me alone i am happy.   when i tried to tell my husband that he felt this way, he thought it was ok, I DO EVERYTHING, AND ALWAYS HAVE.  I WILL NOT LET MY CHILDREN SUFFER BECAUSE HE WON'T PLUG IN.  they can and do come to me often and we talk all the time.  I have only shut down with my husband, not my children.  they have seen my husband go days without talking to any of us for so long, they act like he isn't even here.  THAT IS HIS CHOICE AND HIS LOSS,  I FOR ONE AM NOT PAYING THE PRICE ANYMORE. 
this is elle474's husband, the DH she refers to in her diaries. not sure what the DH stands for but my first 3 guesses and none are compliments I'm sure. Anyway here's the part she is not telling. We met and married 16 years ago. Both worked full time jobs, bought a brand new house together, One year later we are exspecting our first child. She can no longer work, Dr. orders. I drive a truck for a living so not home very much, but I did make and take time to be with her for Dr. appointments and took off  when baby was born. (even went and stayed in delivery room the whole time, did this with both kids.) New house , new baby, had 2 incomes , now only have one income, falling behind on bills, have to file bankruptcy.  Start new career, better pay but job requires I work nights, did this for 6 years. She says after first child is born she doesn't want someone else taking care of her child, ie. Baby sitter. She wants to be a stay at home mom, I agree. No one can raise a child better than it's own mother, so i will work to suport this family. she says when child reaches school age she will go back to work. Well before first child reaches school age we have second child. again I make time to be with her for Dr. appt. and so forth. now oldest is ready for kindergarden, now first grade. she still at home raising second child. Now she is not happy with school system, they can't teach our children right. she wants to home school. I say ok, and now need 2 jobs to pay the bills. but me working 2 jobs leaves no time for family. I need to quit second job stay home and baby sit on weekends so she can work part time. I say ok and do so.  All along I offer to help clean house, do laundry, wash dishes,  She says no. that's her job that's how she shows love to me by taking care of all that. Plus she adds I don't do it right anyway. By that she means I don't do it her way. Now she says I don't plug in, I don't get involved in kids life. Ok oldest is 5 by this time wants to take karate, we sign him up. I still work nights so she has to take him to classes first 2 years. He is a natural at it very very good. mean while I change jobs again, more money better hours, now I'm on days. Now not only do i start taking oldest to karate classes I join and take class with him and now youngest is old enough to take so i sign him up. Now 2 nights a week i take both boys and myself to classes plus do tournaments on weekends for 5 years straight. Oldest gets his second degree in 2 different styles and I get first degree in 3 styles, youngest get to with in one belt away from his black belt by this time. oldest can't test any higher for next 5 years, not his fault it's and age requirement. he is one of the youngest second degree black belts in the country right now. told you he was a natural.  now he does'nt want to keep taking because of the wait period which to me is understandable . and I don't think forcing him into doing it is right. He now wants to play guitar, great I buy him a complete kit. he teaches himself, in less than a year he is bass player in church band. I take and pick him up from practice 2 nights a week now. But I'm not plugged in????? he is 14 years old he has his own friends, I'm in his life as much as he wants me to be. he wants to do things on his own, this is natural at his age. He is into paintball, I take him and all his friends to my uncles house where they have 16 acres to play. I even play with them. Anybody imagine how much fun 6 teenagers have shooting a 40 year old man running through the woods with a paintball gun, But I'm not plugged in ?????? all along I'm still not allowed to do the dishes, wash the clothes or help clean the house cause after 16 years I still can't do it right. So a year ago i got into online gaming. Playing Nascar. Since I'm not allowed to do anything around the house, I occupy my time with this game. I still take the kids where ever they want or need to go. Attend all family functions. ie. neices and nephews birthday parties, thanksgiving ,christmas, ect... and when I get home from work instead of watching reruns on TV, I go online and race. Hence the problem I have friends now, oh yes I forgot to mention that earlier. none of my friends were good enough. I don't really dispute this fact but it should be noted. i was told I couldn't or shouldn't hang around them, very shortly after we got married. so now if I have friends they were all her friends first. And her friends should be able to come by the house when they want, stay as long as they want, and call the house anytime they want. My online gaming friends now mind you are people who never call the house , never  just drop in, but they occupy all my time. time I'm not spending with her. Meaning me sitting on the couch watching reruns, with the volume turned down so low you can't hear it so she can talk on the phone to her mother , anyone of 3 sisters that might call each night, or friend who may drop by. all while she does her scrapbooking , or ancestry. Boy that just leaves the door to communication wide open for me does'nt it.             
 
December 20, 2005, 5:07 am CST

Jelousy at it finest

Quote From: elle474

Honestly, you have no clue what the woman is talking about!!!  You can nibble on their ears and they swat you like a fly.  They get major UPSET if you interrupt them.  THE MAN IS EMOTIONALLY BANKRUPT, and she cannot change him.  Yes, she can do everything with the kids, and does, AS I DO.  they don't want to get involved in family life, they don't care!  I have been married to a man for 15 years the same idential way.  It doesn't matter how much you cry, talk, write, send up smoke signals, etc.  they don't care.  They have to want to change.  There is nothing you can do about it.  It just makes you sick to be married and feel like a single parent.  These men are not there for their wives, or their children.   IT IS ALL ABOUT THEM.   Selfish from the word go!   I am finally at the point where I don't give a rat's whatever what he does, or when he does it.  He will go for days and not speak to me or the children.  Makes for a wonderful life!!!      

Telling this woman to join this man in his gaming is STUPID in my opinion.  Not only will it not work, it will make him worse than before.  HE HAS TO WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH HIS FAMILY, HE HAS TO WANT TO PLUG IN, nobody can make him.     

  

This is elle474 husband The DH she refers to in her diaries. it all boils down to me actually having some friends outside the home. Read the reply to some of her other post if they get approved. It's the otherside of our life story. Her idea of me spending time with the family is me sitting on the couch watching reruns on TV. while she talks on the phone to her mother, one of her 3 sisters and any of her friends that might call or stop by for the evening.
 
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