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Topic : 10/14 "Kick 'em to the Curb!"

Number of Replies: 253
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, October 07, 2005, 03:44:27 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

How do you know when it's time to kick that relationship to the curb? Dr. Phil's first guest is four months pregnant with her boyfriend's baby. He wants her to leave him alone, and she wants to know if she should let go of the relationship.What does Dr. Phil think? Next, Dr. Phil follows-up with two women whose marriages were in crisis. Sheila's husband, Steve, was a raging alcoholic. She would beat him when he was drunk, almost killing him. Did she take Dr. Phil's advice? And where is Steve now? Then, Michelle was living a cycle of abuse at the hands of her husband. Did she finally say, "No more," to the violence? Dr. Phil has advice for knowing when it's time to get out. Can you relate? Share your story.

 

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October 14, 2005, 7:26 am CDT

When is it over?

I had decided not to post here today but then decided after I read it all that everyone here seems to have such great advice so that I thought maybe I would give it a try.  I have been married for two years.  We have been together for 5.  When we got together I had a one year old daughter whom I was raising on my own.  The first year and a half were crappy.  We argued all the time, his mother caused such a strain on our relaitionship so I moved on.  About a few weeks later, he moved back in and that was almost 3 and half years ago.  In 2003 I was activated for a year and a half in the military and my daughter went to stay with my mother until I returned in 2004.  While I was gone my husband was home about an hour away and only went to see my baby twice.  He says that he has school (Clemson University) and I am over reacting. My husband worked the first year we were together and then decided he wanted to go to college.  I agreed and here we are 4 years later and he is still over a year from graduation.  In all that time I have payed the bills, cleaned, cooked, took care of my baby, all the regular stuff plus the extra stuff. My main problem is this, he was raised in a home where children were seen and not heard.  He thinks children should eat at seperate times then adults and there sould be no talkiing during dinner.  I was raised in a home with seven children so all heck broke loose at dinner.  While he studies he constantly tells us to shut up and even makes remarks about my stupidity and the stupidity of my family.  He tells me that my daughter will never really be his because my family interferes and he doesnt think that he is allowed to be her father so he dont try.  He spends time with me but not my daughter.  The time with me is regimented so that he can study. I go to college to so I try to be understanding.  But, he expects perfection in me, my daughter and school.  He gets all A's.  Before I went on active duty in the military our bedroom life was average 2 times a week.  Now, its good to be every two months.  He says he got used to not having to worry about it while I was gone and now he just wants it every now and then. I feel like he is tired of me.  We argue about that and our daughter. I want to leave just to have some peace and quiet and just be able to yell every now and then.  I am told by friends and family that I better be glad that he dont cheat, or aint abusive. But I feel as if emotionally abusive and would rather be alone that to constantly think I am not good enough.  I want to work on it, He says that when school is done things will be better and I am wondering if I am over reacting and should wait and see or if I should become accustomed to how it is.   

  

I want to say that I know that a lot of other people stories are worse and that I know my situation is not that bad, I would just like some advice and what a good course of action would be.  I appreciate any help yall may offer. 

Thanks. 

 
October 14, 2005, 7:42 am CDT

I've been there

I'm 24-years-old and have been married for 2 1/2 years. I have three little boys ages 3,2 and 3-months. When I was 5 months pregnant with my third son I left. My husband is an alcoholic. He doesn't drink on a daily basis, but when he does drink it's until he is falling down drunk. He was verbally, emotionally and sexually abusive. He would tell me on a regular basis that if I ever got fat that he'd leave me. While I was pregnant he told me that I had 6 months to lose the baby weight or he'd leave. He would 'moo' at me. He said he was doing this to help me so that I wouldn't gain weight. It was awful. I could go on and on, but it's all pretty much the same. So, one Saturday afternoon he was at work. I was sitting on the couch reading to my kids and I thought about something my therapist told me: "You are teaching the kids that this is okay and they will end up putting up with being treated this way or they will treat their wives this way." After we finished the book and they went down for a nap I went upstairs and packed up my things. I then packed the boys' things as well. I left a short note saying that I was done with all of this and he needed professional help. I took my kids and went to a women's shelter. He begged and pleaded, he promised to get help. I told him okay, go get help and once you have done that we can work on us. Well, he kept stalling and stalling. Then he met some college girl and they started going out partying all of the time. He called me from work and told me that he wanted a divorce, he didn't think he had a problem. He said he never loved me and was miserable around me. That hurt me more than anything. 

  

Right now I'm taking care of all three boys completly by myself. I am a full-time student and I work. It is so tiring and stressful. However, for the first time in years I am happy. I am calm, I don't get angry anymore. I've lost 40lbs since I had my baby in July. I am working very hard and am damn proud of it. I have my self-esteem back and my confidence back. My kids are happier and that fact alone makes all of the pain, the heartbreak and the stress completly worth it. 

 
October 14, 2005, 7:47 am CDT

What happens after the divorce?????

I would like to know why there are no topics related to the long term effect of Domestic Violence (ie) what happens after the divorce............ 

  

I have been out of the abuse, for 5 years now...Divorced, and retain custody of my three children.  NOW that it has been years after, I am still suffering the abuse.  I have been drug in and out of court, I have fought my home state, my children are still the pawns, I am still in financial ruins, and HE still hasn't been stopped!!!!! 

  

Why???  Why is there NOT a follow up, for the survivors that haben't quite survived yet???????? 

  

Feeling that there is so much more to DV than scratching the surface here.....What about the rest of us?????????? 

 
October 14, 2005, 8:09 am CDT

don't look back

I was married to an busive alcoholic for 8 years.  I've been divorced for 15 years now.  Not a day has gone by that I don't struggle with children and finances but  I also give thanks every day that I found the courage to walk away from my former life.  I believe that there are people on this earth who think their reason for being alive is to make others miserable; my ex is one of them.  To this day people are still afraid of him, and therefore, never hold him accountable for his actions.  What a shame!   The point I am trying to make to anyone ready to listen is  :  NEVER  let another person make you feel that you have no value as a person.  I did and it took years to recover myself.  When you can't dream about tomorrow because every bit of strength you have is used to get thru today it's time to get out !
 
October 14, 2005, 8:50 am CDT

Best thing I have ever done !!

I too was in an abusive relationship for 18 years . Every type of abuse there is, I have suffered. When I wasn't being hit, it was mental and emotional....to the point I was wishing he would just hit me instead....the pain from physical abuse went away faster. For many years I thought it was me....very slowly I started defying him and did things for myself....got a job...went to college...etc....Until my children started suffering because of it. As my daughter's became teenagers and I was more independent, he bagan to abuse them.....until then he had not physically abused the children (though the emotional abuse was constant). That was the final straw....I was gone within weeks. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.....but also the greatest !! We were very poor for the first few years after we left......I'd do it again ...A LOT sooner !!! It has been five years now.....two of my children are adults now, one is married. Both are doing well though they have had many struggles and many hours of counselling. They do not have any relationship with their father....they are still very angry. My oldest had asked me when she was NINE years old " Why do you put up with this ?".....THAT should have gotten my attention....I did try to leave back then, but his threats scared me into staying. Now that same child thanks me for leaving when I did....she believes she would not be where she is now had we stayed ( college graduate, married,owns a home, etc...).My family was NOT supportive about me leaving. I did it all on my own. My two younger children did well. They are boys and much younger, so they did not experience the abuse that the girls did. It took them awhile to understand. Now that they are older they see what their father is.....but they get the best part of him....they see him for short periods of time and get to have fun with him. My hope is that NO ONE has to go through this !! If you are afraid to be in your own home , GET OUT !!! It is no way to live !! My children used to run and hide when their father pulled in the driveway.......I found a wonderful psychologist that I started going to secretly who was able to teach me about the resources that are out there.....there are many organizations that will help you....find them and accept the help....and don't feel bad about asking for help....you can return the favor when you are back on your feet !!! It takes many years to be okay again...it is a slow process. I found myself in tears today as I watched the show. It brought back many painful memories. Now I sit here thanking God for getting me through and Dr.Phil for letting people know it is NOT okay....you can have a better life !! I am happier now than I ever thought possible. I hope this helps someone out there who thinks it is too hard to get out....it is hard, but not harder than what you are going through now !!
 
October 14, 2005, 9:07 am CDT

Aftercare is so important

 I have seen many of the messages in this list and I would like to address "the rest of the story".
As in the show, Dr. Phil said how important it is to work on yourself.  If anyone is in a relationship and not sure what to do, maybe you can start to work on something you feel you need. Remember, you can not change others.  Start to care for yourself....perhaps it could be a long soak in the tub or a book you want to read ,manicure, pedicure etc.  I know it is difficult with kids (I have four myself), but just pick something small to start with.  It will give you something to look forward to.  Many community colleges have continuing education classes that can be inexpensive.  Take a class and get out of the house.  If this causes a problem with your spouse, then it is their problem.
I know from personal experience that being in an abusive or dysfunctional relationship is hard on the psyche sometimes to the point that you don't know which end is up. You have to build yourself up so that you know who you are, not what he says you are. Sometimes the divorce is just one more battle in the war to win back your life and the stronger you are to start with the easier it will be to get through it.  These abusers are master manipulators and choose to use their talents to inflict pain and suffering no matter who gets hurt.
BEWARE: the stronger you get, the more he will want to control you.  So things may get worse.  Don't be scared.  That is what they are counting on (You being too scared to act).
   
I was terrified when I left with my 4 kids and fled to a friend's house after he hit me.  I had no money and only the clothes on my back.   I worried how I would take care of my kids (something that had kept me in the marriage instead of leaving).  This time I decided ( in for a penny, in for a pound) that I would see this through to the bitter end.  I took one month to think and then decided , after much research on the internet, that my best option was to divorce him. Yes, I said MY best option.  This is about my life, and the kids lives, and what is best for us.  I had finally been able to separate myself from him physically and intellectually and could make rational decisions.  He asked me, "What was different now that I was breaking up the family? Do you see the guilt he was trying to put on me??  I responded that I was happy.  He again tried to heap guilt on me, but I knew better than to accept it.
Remember you are important!!

Wishing you all the best  life has to offer!!
 
October 14, 2005, 9:35 am CDT

KICK 'EM TO THE CURB!

I haven't watched the show yet, I always watch at night. I read alot of the postings and let me tell you, I've been down that road. I was being beat by a 28 year old man at 16.  Short term relationship, only lasted 6 months but he beat me good a couple times. The second time around I met who is now my ex-husband, he was 28 and I was 18. Psychiatrists have told me I was trying to replace my dad who walked out on us when HE was 28 and I was 7. My first husband beat me for 9 years in front of my daughter, threatened both our lives, took me out in the woods and made out like he was gonna kill me, got an axe after me (chopped the roof of a little Honda up pretty good) I kicked him out the cold hard way, before I killed him, I had to get him out. He got nothing, he had a drug problem as well, crack, and we had very little but what we did have I meant to keep. I was 27 years old when I left him, with a daughter. If I can do it, you can do it, but you have to have support. You need someone that will stand by you no matter what happens. That would be my current husband. We've been married 8 years and he's never raised his voice to me much less HIT me.
 
October 14, 2005, 9:37 am CDT

Don't give up !!

Quote From: gracebmine

I would like to know why there are no topics related to the long term effect of Domestic Violence (ie) what happens after the divorce............ 

  

I have been out of the abuse, for 5 years now...Divorced, and retain custody of my three children.  NOW that it has been years after, I am still suffering the abuse.  I have been drug in and out of court, I have fought my home state, my children are still the pawns, I am still in financial ruins, and HE still hasn't been stopped!!!!! 

  

Why???  Why is there NOT a follow up, for the survivors that haben't quite survived yet???????? 

  

Feeling that there is so much more to DV than scratching the surface here.....What about the rest of us?????????? 

I have experienced a similar situation. Don't give up.....!!! Find a GOOD attorney...I changed several times before I found a good one. Find an organization that deals with domestic abuse and they can lead you to a lawyer that can really help you. There are still crappy things I have to deal with now and again, but nothing like before. I still have financial problems. And I still owe legal fees. I do what I can. As for the children, I think as long as you keep them out of it as much as you can.. eventually they see the situation. Always keep your feelings about your ex AWAY from the children. Find a decent quality about the other parent to focus on with the children. As my children get older...one by one...they see their father for who he really is. Act with grace and dignity....no matter what !! Your children will see it and learn from it. Good luck !
 
October 14, 2005, 9:43 am CDT

it's time

When you have no peace of mind it's time to make the change.  Contentment is a good goal.  Dr. Phil says it best.  (might screw up the quote)  "I'd rather be healthy alone than sick with someone else."
 
October 14, 2005, 9:45 am CDT

Good Point

Quote From: smitty3

I too was in an abusive relationship for 18 years . Every type of abuse there is, I have suffered. When I wasn't being hit, it was mental and emotional....to the point I was wishing he would just hit me instead....the pain from physical abuse went away faster. For many years I thought it was me....very slowly I started defying him and did things for myself....got a job...went to college...etc....Until my children started suffering because of it. As my daughter's became teenagers and I was more independent, he bagan to abuse them.....until then he had not physically abused the children (though the emotional abuse was constant). That was the final straw....I was gone within weeks. It was the hardest thing I have ever done.....but also the greatest !! We were very poor for the first few years after we left......I'd do it again ...A LOT sooner !!! It has been five years now.....two of my children are adults now, one is married. Both are doing well though they have had many struggles and many hours of counselling. They do not have any relationship with their father....they are still very angry. My oldest had asked me when she was NINE years old " Why do you put up with this ?".....THAT should have gotten my attention....I did try to leave back then, but his threats scared me into staying. Now that same child thanks me for leaving when I did....she believes she would not be where she is now had we stayed ( college graduate, married,owns a home, etc...).My family was NOT supportive about me leaving. I did it all on my own. My two younger children did well. They are boys and much younger, so they did not experience the abuse that the girls did. It took them awhile to understand. Now that they are older they see what their father is.....but they get the best part of him....they see him for short periods of time and get to have fun with him. My hope is that NO ONE has to go through this !! If you are afraid to be in your own home , GET OUT !!! It is no way to live !! My children used to run and hide when their father pulled in the driveway.......I found a wonderful psychologist that I started going to secretly who was able to teach me about the resources that are out there.....there are many organizations that will help you....find them and accept the help....and don't feel bad about asking for help....you can return the favor when you are back on your feet !!! It takes many years to be okay again...it is a slow process. I found myself in tears today as I watched the show. It brought back many painful memories. Now I sit here thanking God for getting me through and Dr.Phil for letting people know it is NOT okay....you can have a better life !! I am happier now than I ever thought possible. I hope this helps someone out there who thinks it is too hard to get out....it is hard, but not harder than what you are going through now !!
You make an excellent point, It will be hard to leave and make it out there on your own, especially if you have children, but not nearly as hard as the abuse you are dealing with today.
 
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