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Topic : 10/14 "Kick 'em to the Curb!"

Number of Replies: 253
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Created on : Friday, October 07, 2005, 03:44:27 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

How do you know when it's time to kick that relationship to the curb? Dr. Phil's first guest is four months pregnant with her boyfriend's baby. He wants her to leave him alone, and she wants to know if she should let go of the relationship.What does Dr. Phil think? Next, Dr. Phil follows-up with two women whose marriages were in crisis. Sheila's husband, Steve, was a raging alcoholic. She would beat him when he was drunk, almost killing him. Did she take Dr. Phil's advice? And where is Steve now? Then, Michelle was living a cycle of abuse at the hands of her husband. Did she finally say, "No more," to the violence? Dr. Phil has advice for knowing when it's time to get out. Can you relate? Share your story.

 

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October 14, 2005, 1:09 pm CDT

Totally!

Quote From: jlr409

As a 20 year old who experienced an alcoholic father and an unfaithful, verbally abusive mother I would like to say that if your in a bad marriage and you subject your children to it, it will greatly affect them for the rest of their lives more than you know. Images of them fighting and screaming still haunt me everyday. It confuses children and really confuses them. My parents never did divorce but in my case they should have. Don't put your children in the middle! It's a horrible feeling and it never goes away.... : (
I so agree!  People if your in a relationship and there is abuse in anyway, don't put your children at risk.. Like I heard Dr.Phil say..."if you won't protect your children he will"  I know that isn't exactly what he said.  The point is still there.  Watching your mom or dad being abused or abusing wether it is alchol, drugs, domestic violence or all of the above... all has a huge effect on the children and doesn't go without consequences.  Unfortunatly the children are the ones who suffer those consequences.   Were I live if a woman is in an abusive relationship the child services get involved and give the woman a choice, leave with your children or stay and have your children taken by the government.  I know this is only for the best intrest for the children. 
 
October 14, 2005, 1:11 pm CDT

Thanks

It has been really helpful hearing from the children that have endured a bad relationship. 

  

I just wanted to say thanks (I have heard this before).  I haven't heard one child (or grown child) say that even as bad as it was, I wish that my parents would have stayed together for my sake. 

  

This is very important for me because my son is only six.  I also have no doubt that my husband loves him and would always put him first.  I think this is my biggest dilemia.  My husbands parents were divorced when he was a teenager and my parents have been married for 40 years.  I have always thought that he was trying to relive their life. 

  

  

 
October 14, 2005, 1:29 pm CDT

:)

Quote From: fmyfw3

It has been really helpful hearing from the children that have endured a bad relationship. 

  

I just wanted to say thanks (I have heard this before).  I haven't heard one child (or grown child) say that even as bad as it was, I wish that my parents would have stayed together for my sake. 

  

This is very important for me because my son is only six.  I also have no doubt that my husband loves him and would always put him first.  I think this is my biggest dilemia.  My husbands parents were divorced when he was a teenager and my parents have been married for 40 years.  I have always thought that he was trying to relive their life. 

  

  

One doesn't have to end the relationship between parent and child... your husband loves your child and would put him first is great and that can continue for sure.  What better for your son than to have two loving parents... who says that those parents need to be togehter?  That of course is the ultimate for anyone. When there is "bad" in a relationship and trying so hard to keep the ultimate situation for your child causes the oposite.  As long as there is respect and communication between the parents who love you dearly, what could be more ultimate than that... together or not..  :)  Don't get me wrong, I don't advocate everyone split up there relationships, that isn't for everyone.  Some issues can be worked out.  When that relationship becomes one that you loose who you are, that is a good clue.  When there is violence, control, substance abuse, childrens safty at risk, one needs to take a huge reality check about the relationship.  People put your children first!  

 
October 14, 2005, 1:32 pm CDT

Anything to help you out, I will do it

Quote From: lculver

I could never believe someone would stay in this type of relationship, that is until I was in one, now I have left him, and I want him back.  I am trying so hard to stay strong, and stay away from him, I spend every night crying, I will be at work and the tears just flow, I left about 5 months ago and it is still bad if not worse for me.   

I will print your stories and keep reading them to remind me of the things that have happend to me and others, keep your fingers crossed for me, I will stay positive and try as hard as I can to not go back.  Thank you for your kind words, I wish the best for your mother, she is the reason I will try so hard not to go back, I don't want to live like that again, I feel her pain just reading your story.  I also hope the best for you.  Thanks for taking the time to share.  Take care of yourself. 

I am glad I was able to help you out in some sort of way.   

  

Going back to him, you would be living the life you don't want, but this time it could even become worse as everytime you give in the abuse gets worse and worse.  The men don't see it as a problem, they think it is all you and that you need to change.   

  

Crying every night and showing emotion is the way for you to heal yourself and accept you are better off without him.  You can find better happiness than being in an abusive relationship.  I have been in so much therapy that I have learned to accept things for what they are and nothing more can be done but healing myself from the inside out. 

  

Thank you for your comments, I was hoping i can show a mother with children that things can only be worse for your children in the future.  Thank you for your time. 

 
October 14, 2005, 1:33 pm CDT

Rachel, please read -

Oh Rachel, girlfriend, were we possibly dating the same man? In all seriousness, please listen to me and all the other supporters out there. I have been in this same situation and I know how difficult it is. I dated someone from when I was 19 until 22, and I regret that I lost all that time to someone who did not value me.
 

Let me guess: your boyfriend tells you that you are fat, ugly, and criticizes everything about you. He does not want to go out with you in public, shows no displays of affection in public, does not call when he says he will. Yet when you are behind closed doors alone, he tells you how much he loves you, needs you, cares about you. He tells you all the things you want to hear - when no one else is around and when it is convenient for him. When he wants something from you.

I would guess that this guy is a good-looking man and knows it. He uses this power over you and makes you feel small and unworthy. I was with this exact type of man for three years. By the end of our relationship, I thought I was fat, ugly and unworthy or anything good. In reality, I was gorgeous, thin, and had a wonderful education and career. I felt so hollow and empty and believed it was all my fault.

We broke up for good two years ago. I was devastated. After several failed attempts to get him back, I gave up and focused on my life and myself. I moved and began a new job and when I was least looking for it, I found a fabulous man (now my husband) who treated me like a queen. When old boyfriend found out I was happy, he tried to sabotage it. Showed up at my doorstep begging me to take him back. Told me everything I had wanted to hear for so long -- but it was too late. I knew his game and was not about to get pulled back in. I am now living a  healthy, happy life and you can too.

This man continues to do this to you because you allow him to. Don't take his calls. Don't answer the door if he knocks. If you see him somewhere, leave or ignore him. Dr. Phil is right about the baby -- he most likely will never take any responsibilty for it. And you are better off for that. Cut this man out of your life - he is like a slow poison that will kill your spirit. Yes, it will be painfully hard to do so, but you must for the mental health of yourself and your child.

There is a wealth of books, websites, etc., about emotionally abusive/emotionally unavailable men. Once you realize other women have been through this, it will make you feel better. Believe in yourself and the fact that you deserve so much more. Good luck to you --  

 
October 14, 2005, 1:42 pm CDT

That book is the best

Quote From: okmom1954

We can think we "love" someone and be fooling ourselves!  I comes from a life with abusive parents.  My husband had, on a number of occasions, attempted to kill me...and my daughter, but I was trapped in that stupid psychological cycle and didn't think enough of myself, no self-esteem, to see that I could actually get away from him and LIVE my life without him, or any man!  He was in the Navy and one of his buddies called me one day and said, "Let's meet.  I need to talk to you before we deploy.  It's serious!"  When we met, he told me how my husband had belittled me to everyone on the ship and he had also said that if he ever got the chance, he'd kill me!  This friend begged me to sue for divorce while they were deployed and to move and NOT give my husband my new address.  Even after that warning, I still waited 4 months before I took action, afraid it was all my fault and thinking I could make things better.  It wasn't until someone directed me to the book, "Women Who Love Too Much...When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change",  by Robin Norwood, that I was able to see myself and what I was doing.  I got out of my marriage and I got FREE!  I never felt so empowered in my life!  Get that book and Set Yourself FREE!
That book is awesome. It saved my mental well-being after a break-up from a tumultuous 3 year relationship. It hit home from the first page. I highly recommend it.
 
October 14, 2005, 1:50 pm CDT

This is my Story!

Well, to start off with, I have been married for 16 yrs....we have 2 sons...15 and 12. My husband and I married when he was 19 and I was 22. We were "in love"....or so I thought. I soon got pregnant and had my first son not even a year after we got married. It was only then that I found out that my husband was jealous of our son. He has been this way my childs whole life...and he makes it well known. He withholds love from him...he criticizes him...anything to make him feel less of a human. He does not treat our youngest son this way....at least no where near as much or as bad....he is also jealous of my relationship with my oldest son. My husband has cheated on my twice that I know of....the first time was about 10 years ago....the 2nd time was this past may june and july....well i found all the phone calls on my phone bill where he was calling an "old school friend".......so i have kicked him out twice...and each time he crys to me and begs me to let him come back...and i do...and then the pattern returns....He's ususally always in a bad mood...he works 3rd shift and usually goes 1-2 months with no days off...he is a workaholic so to speak i guess.....so i know he's tired but that does not excuse the behavior in my opinion. He has been to several therapists...been on many different medications...which he doesn't stick to. He admits he has a problem...admits he knows what he's doing when he's mean to me and the boys.....he is just an unhappy person and wants all of my attention all the time. We are currently in therapy together now....we just started this week. I have thought long and hard about this and don't know why i seem to feel sorry for him...i think it's because his parents are the one who raised him this way and treated him the exact same way...i try to make him see what he is doing to our kids....especially the oldest as he is already showing signs of being the same way.....I would just like an opinion here as to what you may think of this situation. Thanks for any replies.....
 
October 14, 2005, 2:02 pm CDT

What a good show....

I taped the show today for a friend of mine. It reminded me so much of her, well, the first young lady did...I hope she might want to see it sometime soon. Thanks for all your stories! Big HUGS! Jen
 
October 14, 2005, 2:04 pm CDT

I'm watching my past life!!!!!

Oh my god!  I turned on Dr. Phil this afternoon and was struck with such sadness for these women!!!  It's like rewatching my life 5 years ago!!!!  My ex too was a drunk.  And occasionally violent.  He is also a gambling addict and the fear and tension I would feel over not knowing what kind of mood he would be in when he finally came home was overwhelming.  He was always so drunk that walking was difficult and speech was always seriously slurred.  It angered me even more that he drove like this.  On numerous occasions he had put his car into snow banks.  Driven into mail boxes.  On a few occasions even "lost" his car assuming it was stolen only to wake up sober the next day and remember where it was.  And even more maddening was that the people serving him the drinks (in the bar, lounge or restaurant) knew him well and knew he was driving!!!!  I had two young children and I was a horrible mother the for the 8 years I spent with this man.  I was angry and scared and took it out on them on more than one occasion.  My oldest who was only 9 at the time I finally got up the courage and strength to leave, actually thanked me.  Yes...thanked me for finally leaving.  And we're naive enough to think that the kids don't know what's going on.  He later told me that many nights he held his little brother while David and I fought.  I knew it was time to leave when I started to dream about how I could make him hurt himself seriously or even perhaps die and make it look like an accident.  We had a pool.  I thought...you know...he's so drunk, I could push him in while the cover is on.  Maybe he'll get tangled up and drown.  Scary??!!!  You bet!  I was terrified that I was even capable of having these thoughts.  For years I had believed that maybe he was what I deserved.  I tried everything to get him to sober up.  I cooked.  I cleaned like a crazy woman.  I tried lingerie.  Nothing kept him home or sobered him up.  Slowly, I fell into a deep depression.  I lost weight.  When I left I was 98lbs.  I cut off my long hair into a short buzz cut.  I hated myself and what I'd become.  To this day, if a picture of me is found from that lifetime, I destroy it.  But...one day....I don't know what happened.  I woke up and literally said ENOUGH.  I called a lawyer.  Where do I start?  What can I do?  I suggested to David that we get a lawyer and start to discuss selling the house and splitting up assets.  He didn't want to hear it.  As far as he was concerned....everything was fine.  Write it down in your little Mary Poppins Brady Bunch book was his famous quote.  So...as my lawyer suggested, start to put money away.  And then my miracle happened.  I don't condone affairs.  Ever!  As far as I was concerned, I was single.  I had been for a very long time.  We no longer shared a room and hadn't for years.  I was just waiting until I had enough money to leave with the kids.  But that miracle.  Of all places...grocery shopping.  I ran into an old school friend.  Actually, he was my first "boyfriend" from grade 5.  We went to different middle schools and to the same high school.  But, we ran with different crowds and didn't really speak much.  But that magical beautiful day 11 years after graduation was the best day of my life.  It was instant chemistry.  We exchanged numbers and talked on the phone often.  One night, a few days before New Years 2001, I went out with some coworkers.  My mom had taken the kids for the night.  When I got home, David was home, awake, drunk and in a nasty mood.  I brushed my teeth and went to my bedroom.  He came in in a rage and started in on me about how I want to leave and take his kids away.  Long story short...he got physical, beat me up and threw me out in the middle of winter with only a t-shirt.  I drove to my parent's who lived down the street.  The next day, I called police and pressed charges.  I went to the house while the police removed him and collected my clothes, the kids clothes and my pets.  I never looked back.  I let him have everything else.  5 years later I am giddy happily married to that sweet man from my past.  We are a perfect match for each other and I couldn't be luckier.  I've been through counseling and therapy to heal the deep emotional scars.  It's taken time but each day I get a bit better.  Rob has been patient, caring and understanding and has stood by and held my hand each step of the way.  The kids have grown and we've blended into a perfectly happy family with Rob's son as well.  Occasionally, David and I still have words as he sees my youngest son (my oldest doesn't want to see him) and I still don't agree with his lifestyle.  He's been drunk when he's had our son and I've taken him away and kept him away.  I've even reported him to child and family services on two occasions.  He still drives drunk and it's truly a miracle he's never hurt anyone.  I've reported him to the police with a complete description of his car and his frequented "watering holes" in the hopes they will catch him while impaired.  So far...all seems to have fallen on deaf ears.  My son knows not to drive with daddy and knows that I am only a phone call away.   

  

All in all....I live a happy fulfilling life with all I need and want and more.  My kids are loving,compassionate, well adjusted people who I believe will go far in life.  My scars have not all healed but I've learned to live with them.  They are my past and have made me the person I am today.  I hope anyone stuck in a horrible situation like this can find the strength and courage to get out and enjoy life to the fullest!!! 

 
October 14, 2005, 2:06 pm CDT

we are in the same boat rowing south!!

Quote From: bkabse

Hi there, 

I am hearing that you are feelin' left out, ignored and second best to video games.  I probably would feel the same way.  I like what others said, get out and find your own hobbies, maybe try playing with him.  Show him your interested in him by being interested in what he likes.  You may dislike video gameing, maybe this is a scarifice you need to make to spend time with your hubby.  I am not saying  playing as much as he does, some would be good. Maybe that void would be filled.   

Spending your energies on clocking his playing time and waiting for his attention is self distructive.  Try having a very serious talk with him using ONLY I STATEMENTS!  If you feel unheard, right him a letter put it in his lunch box and let him read it on his time.  Hopefully things will work out for you.  :) 

my husband plays NASCAR every waking moment he is at home.  He does not drink, He does not abuse me or my two boys, He doesn't do ANYTHING, but play NASCAR.  He is emotionally bankrupt.  I have finally decided in the last two months that I won't give a damn either!  I do him exactly how he does me.  I ignore him, I only answer when spoken to, I don't tell him good night, I just go to bed, etc.  Makes me feel better, and the days more bareable.  It hurts so deep down it makes you sick.  I know exactly how you feel.  I have been married for 15 years and I have given it all for ALL of those 15 years.  The other people who responded do not understand how it feels to be totally shut out of your husband's life.  On one hand you feel selfish for feeling this way, and one hand you "think" you should be grateful to have a working husband, not a bum.  But you are like roommates, and it is not what you want for your life, or your children's. 

Good Luck, I have no answers, if I did, I would definitely try it.  Just know I know EXACTLY how you feel.  You are not alone. 

 
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