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Topic : 10/14 "Kick 'em to the Curb!"

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Created on : Friday, October 07, 2005, 03:44:27 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

How do you know when it's time to kick that relationship to the curb? Dr. Phil's first guest is four months pregnant with her boyfriend's baby. He wants her to leave him alone, and she wants to know if she should let go of the relationship.What does Dr. Phil think? Next, Dr. Phil follows-up with two women whose marriages were in crisis. Sheila's husband, Steve, was a raging alcoholic. She would beat him when he was drunk, almost killing him. Did she take Dr. Phil's advice? And where is Steve now? Then, Michelle was living a cycle of abuse at the hands of her husband. Did she finally say, "No more," to the violence? Dr. Phil has advice for knowing when it's time to get out. Can you relate? Share your story.

 

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October 12, 2005, 9:41 am CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Quote From: aintaho

Just so you know, I don't sit and whallow or sit and watch him play his games. I do have my own life and so do the kids, unfortunately, its becomming to common to be without him.  I get involved in everything he likes to do. He has people who tell him how lucky he is to have the lifestyle he has, and a women who understands his needs to relax, that is not the problem. I can see that you don't know what it is like to have someone addicted to something, and it is not just as easy to do the things you are suggesting, it is not a hobby anymore, it is controlling the way he lives and we live. I was looking for people who may have the same problem, I needed to know that this is happening at other homes, and maybe they have suggestions, i appreciate your thoughts on the matter, but you dont really understand the problem, it is not as easy  as you seem to have put it. i am looking for an answer before I am too used to being alone, and the kids used to being without their Dad, because the games are more important..    thank you anyway for your thoughts and ideas...
You said your husband hates to work.  Maybe he needs a new job.  Maybe he needs to work less hours at the same job because some jobs are stressful.  You said he wanted to do music, but put that on the backburner to provide.   Maybe he feels bad about himself because of this.  I think computers is a way to ESCAPE.  He is escaping.
 
October 12, 2005, 11:51 am CDT

escaping

Quote From: missjane2

You said your husband hates to work.  Maybe he needs a new job.  Maybe he needs to work less hours at the same job because some jobs are stressful.  You said he wanted to do music, but put that on the backburner to provide.   Maybe he feels bad about himself because of this.  I think computers is a way to ESCAPE.  He is escaping.
Actually this is funny, no he only works 40 hours a week and gets three days every week off. Unfortunately  my guy just hates labour. He seems to think he shouldnt have to. He just finished his journeyman ticket  in the last two months, so this is not it. Even when he was playing his music full time, the other time was spent in front of a video game. His addiction has lasted through his childhood, so even he says it is not an escape but just an enjoyment. He just doesnt feel he should do anything that he doesnt enjoy, and that includes doing stuff with me or the kids, unless it's game playing. His main problem , is selfishness. It's all about him and his enjoyment in life. If i thought it was about escaping I would try and help him out, but I cant even get him to try and find guys to play his music with anymore. No unfortunately it's an addiction, and nothing else. the sony has been apart of his life for a very long time, and i dont see it ever going away, unless something major happened in our life, and I don't do ultimations. I'm hoping one day the kids will say somethng that will smack him inot reality.  thanks for your help on this though...
 
October 12, 2005, 11:59 am CDT

reread your own letter

Quote From: lculver

 I was with my boyfriend for 9+ years, we just recently split, June 1, 2005, I lived with him, in his home.  We have no children together,  but we do each have children.  My three daughters live with me, and his son lived with us, typical blended familty.  He was emotionally abusive, and  physically abusive in the beginning.  I thought he might be having an affair at the beginning of 2005, I found that  he was having some type of affair, maybe not sexual, but something was happening.  I stayed with him for a few months and felt that I could not move on, so I bought my own home, moved.   I told him to move on, I was  through with  this relationship, he met someone, a good friend from school, I do know that he was with this person once in the last three months, I have not lived with him, I told him to move on, what did I expect from him.  Now I think I want him back in my life, what do I do.  I do love him deeply, we are best friends, we enjoy each other completely, I think, I just stopped caring emotionally, I gained weight, he was going to school, feeling good about himself, and I was feeling bad about myself.  I know he loves me, I just pushed him away.  He is not perfect, but he is an awesome person, we have both just had very hard lives and a lot of struggles, will it work if we go back?  So confused and sad.
Hi I am not one for giving advice to anybody. But, I couldnt help myself on this one. NOONE deserves to be emotionally  abused,but NOONE has a right to lay a finger on you EVER for any reason. You did the right thing. You said you have three daughters. You staying in a realtionship like that , teaches your daughters that it is alright to be treated this way. I know that this is not the kind of relationship that you have dreamed that your girls would have, is it? You were strong and left. You taught your daughters something. It's normal to want to go back, but just give it a bit of time, and you will see that this was the best thing for you and your kids. there is someone out there that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Just hang in there,be strong, and if you feel the need to call, just look at your daughters faces, I am sure that they will lead you in the right direction.. 
 
October 12, 2005, 1:09 pm CDT

You are on the right track

Quote From: aintaho

Hi I am not one for giving advice to anybody. But, I couldnt help myself on this one. NOONE deserves to be emotionally  abused,but NOONE has a right to lay a finger on you EVER for any reason. You did the right thing. You said you have three daughters. You staying in a realtionship like that , teaches your daughters that it is alright to be treated this way. I know that this is not the kind of relationship that you have dreamed that your girls would have, is it? You were strong and left. You taught your daughters something. It's normal to want to go back, but just give it a bit of time, and you will see that this was the best thing for you and your kids. there is someone out there that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Just hang in there,be strong, and if you feel the need to call, just look at your daughters faces, I am sure that they will lead you in the right direction.. 

I know what it is like to want someone back who obviously loves you. What I have learned is that just because someone loves you it doesn't mean they are healthy enough to show you love. He may want to be with you too but unless he has had serious help (2 - 5 years) it don't think you can trust his ability to be a whole person for you. Another thing that I have learned is that we need to heal ourselves too. There is something in us that enables the bad behaviour and usually it is just because we want so desperately to be loved. Usually we are addicted to the person and their love is one of the only things that we are sure we need to make our world turn. I hope that you can find a peace inside of you that says I do not need another person to complete me. Then when you find someone who you have feelings for you can see if he is choosing you instead of being infatuated with you and you can choose him too. That is where you will find your true love. Ask yourself the question "Is he pursuing me or am I doing all the pursuing?" If he is pursuing you can you see changes in his behaviour that you can trust? Don't tell yourself what you want to hear make sure it is the truth. Bottom Line TRUST THE BEHAVIOUR!   

  

Most importantly I hope you can find the help you need to be healthier in you next relationship. 

  

I was separated from my husband for 3 months and felt so desperate for his loving arms and friendship. He wants to change and has the biggest heart but as long as I keep rescuing him why would he have to. I think you are doing your man a favour by letting him feel the consequences of his actions. If he needs to find comfort in someone elses arms then he is not even close to being able to be committed to you and you are on the right track.  

 
October 12, 2005, 1:23 pm CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Quote From: lculver

 I was with my boyfriend for 9+ years, we just recently split, June 1, 2005, I lived with him, in his home.  We have no children together,  but we do each have children.  My three daughters live with me, and his son lived with us, typical blended familty.  He was emotionally abusive, and  physically abusive in the beginning.  I thought he might be having an affair at the beginning of 2005, I found that  he was having some type of affair, maybe not sexual, but something was happening.  I stayed with him for a few months and felt that I could not move on, so I bought my own home, moved.   I told him to move on, I was  through with  this relationship, he met someone, a good friend from school, I do know that he was with this person once in the last three months, I have not lived with him, I told him to move on, what did I expect from him.  Now I think I want him back in my life, what do I do.  I do love him deeply, we are best friends, we enjoy each other completely, I think, I just stopped caring emotionally, I gained weight, he was going to school, feeling good about himself, and I was feeling bad about myself.  I know he loves me, I just pushed him away.  He is not perfect, but he is an awesome person, we have both just had very hard lives and a lot of struggles, will it work if we go back?  So confused and sad.
See when I read your story I said: AW How Sweet where's the box of kleenex?   Have you told him how your feel?  If so what was his response?
 
October 12, 2005, 3:23 pm CDT

stay married no matter what

Quote From: lizabeth

I believed that you should stay married not matter what.  But you have to know when it is not healthy to stay in a relationship.  If there are children, they can get hurt more with you together than apart if it is not right.  You can not change someone unless they want to be changed. We should not try to change for someone if you don’t want to.  We all see signs ahead of time that say.  This person is this way.  But many of us ignore it because WE WANT TO BELIEVE THAT PERSON IS FOR US>>>>>>

  

 

  

 

We all know when it is time to leave. We just don’t want to listen to that voice inside of us.  I was in a very abusive marriage.  I am now on a disability because of his abuse. We were high school sweet hearts.  He was very jealous and possessive.  The gut instinct told me it would not change and I needed to go on.  I got pregnant and we got married.  It never got better and his verbal abuse went to physical abuse.  It took him almost killing me to leave him.  It was hard.  My kids and I were basically out on the street.  I was stalked and went through years of problems trying to get on with my life.  I then met another man years later after my divorce. 

  

 

  

 

With the low self esteem due to the physical damage to my body and sole, I got myself into another bad marriage.  I had that gut instinct that said it would not work but I just did not listen.  We went through counseling and the counselors felt that since he would not listen then sometimes it is best to end a marriage.  The emotional abuse got worse and it affected my children.  It then turned to physical abuse. 

  

 

  

 

Not only did I suffer but so did my children. 

  

 

  

 

You can not change someone.  If they are someone who gets upset on the drop of a dime.  Or they are more interested in video games, friends or drinking than they are you.  If they just do not listen.  If they are a constant complainer and have nothing good to look at in life.  They don’t get along with others, self indulged or jealous.  Or just don’t have any ambition in life.  It won’t change.  It only gets worse. 

  

 

  

 

You have to decide what you want in life.  Are you a person that likes to have friends (if he is a jealous type, or secluded this will not work).  If you are someone that always looks at the good in everything and are a happy go lucky person (he is always unhappy and miserable, you can not make him happy), he will pull you down. 

  

 

  

 

They say opposites attract.  That may be true, they will not stay together.  I have been through two marriages that hurt me and my children.  If only I had gone on that gut instinct. 

  

 

  

 

I decided a head of time what I needed in a relationship.  I wrote it down and evaluated it fully.  I then decided that I would not settle for less.  I needed to be loved and have someone that I could love.  That would treat me like I should be treated.  Who would be my best friend and anything else.  I realize the men are not perfect and I would not find the perfect person.  But it just had to seem right. 

  

 

  

 

I met a man two years ago.  We took our time to get to know each other.  We kept sex out of the picture so that it would not confuse things.  But we became the best of friends.  He laughs at his mistakes.  He does get sad and has spells just like everyone.  But it is shared by asking for a hug or talking out what is bothering him.  When I am sad he makes me laugh.  If some one whistles at me while walking down the street and laughs and says she is mine.  And we have full trust and consideration for each other.  We talk about everything.  He is everything to me.  We have been married for a year.  And each time I see him it brings joy to my life.  He looks at me with a look that I can not explain. 

  

 

  

 

When I met him it was a gut instinct that said this is the one.  I had a peace and it is something that I can not explain. When it is right you will know.  It is better to be alone than with someone who is not right for you. 

  

 

  

 

I believed that you should stay married not matter what.  But you have to know when it is not healthy to stay in a relationship.  If there are children, they can get hurt more with you together than apart if it is not right.  You can not change someone unless they want to be changed. We should not try to change for someone if you don’t want to.  We all see signs ahead of time that say.  This person is this way.  But many of us ignore it because WE WANT TO BELIEVE THAT PERSON IS FOR US>>>>>>

  

 

  

 

I have gone through abuse my whole life and through two abusive marriages…  I got beat over the head one two many times before I realized that I do not deserve this.  When you leave a bad relationship it seems like it will not get better.  In my case I went through 15 years of hell by ex-spouces. But now I have the most wonderful man in my life.  He spoils me and treats me like I am a friend not his possession.  All I get is love and loving words.  I am lucky and so are my children and for the first time they can see what a relationship should be….  And MAYBE they will have the chance that I did not…………  He is not their father and he does show them love and respect.  They have a hard time accepting it and it is hard.  They have learned the ways of abuse from their father.  But he stands by me and we stand together in all decisions.  He is helping me teach them that physical and verbal abuse is not the way…..  I think his calmness upsets them more than anything.  They do not know how to react to it.  Sometimes neither do I.  But I am enjoying it and taking it all in.  I used to think that love was just a fairy tale.  But now I am living it and believing it.  Gut instinct it is there we just have to use it. 

I feel that way about being married also.  I was divorced once and said I would never do that again.  I have now been married for 15+ years and it has not been fun.  My husband is very controlling and possesive.  He used to be a lot worse than he is now.  He used to check the speedometer in my car to see if I had been anywhere during the day while he was at work and other things.   

We now own a house, which we can't afford because HE wants it.  He is very selfish, very easy to anger, calls me names when he is mad, etc.  I want to leave so bad.  I just don't know what to do. I suppose the first step I need to do is talk to an attorney to see what happens if I just leave the bills.  The house is in my name as well as his.  I hate living here and having the stress of money all the time plus the way he treats me.  He sleeps on the couch and has for years.  I have tried to get him to sleep with me in our room.  He won't. But...he does come into the bedroom for one thing and one thing only and I am supposed to jump at that!  I don't.   I can't.  It makes me feel used and cheap.  I have tried to tell him this also.  There is no talking to him. My feelings don't matter whatsoever.  He has never hit me although he has threatened to do so.  I have a son who is 24 from my first marriage and we have a 16 year old daughter.   I have gone to counseling, he won't have anything to do with it.   I just want to be happy and enjoy life!  I'm going to be 45 this December.  I just want to be happy!  Thats all.  My daughter understands my feelings but this is so hard on her.   She told me just last night that she would rather us stay together and be unhappy than to split up and disrupt everything.  My son wants me to move out.   I need the courage.  I need someone to help me make that first step.  I know i won't 'be able to live on my own and help pay for this stupid house we live in so...I'm confused and scared.  I know its not going to get any better.  I know it.  I just need help I think getting to where I need to be.  Somehow.... 

 
October 12, 2005, 3:39 pm CDT

Women Who Love Too Much

We can think we "love" someone and be fooling ourselves!  I comes from a life with abusive parents.  My husband had, on a number of occasions, attempted to kill me...and my daughter, but I was trapped in that stupid psychological cycle and didn't think enough of myself, no self-esteem, to see that I could actually get away from him and LIVE my life without him, or any man!  He was in the Navy and one of his buddies called me one day and said, "Let's meet.  I need to talk to you before we deploy.  It's serious!"  When we met, he told me how my husband had belittled me to everyone on the ship and he had also said that if he ever got the chance, he'd kill me!  This friend begged me to sue for divorce while they were deployed and to move and NOT give my husband my new address.  Even after that warning, I still waited 4 months before I took action, afraid it was all my fault and thinking I could make things better.  It wasn't until someone directed me to the book, "Women Who Love Too Much...When You Keep Wishing and Hoping He'll Change",  by Robin Norwood, that I was able to see myself and what I was doing.  I got out of my marriage and I got FREE!  I never felt so empowered in my life!  Get that book and Set Yourself FREE!
 
October 12, 2005, 3:42 pm CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Quote From: brenda8189

I feel that way about being married also.  I was divorced once and said I would never do that again.  I have now been married for 15+ years and it has not been fun.  My husband is very controlling and possesive.  He used to be a lot worse than he is now.  He used to check the speedometer in my car to see if I had been anywhere during the day while he was at work and other things.   

We now own a house, which we can't afford because HE wants it.  He is very selfish, very easy to anger, calls me names when he is mad, etc.  I want to leave so bad.  I just don't know what to do. I suppose the first step I need to do is talk to an attorney to see what happens if I just leave the bills.  The house is in my name as well as his.  I hate living here and having the stress of money all the time plus the way he treats me.  He sleeps on the couch and has for years.  I have tried to get him to sleep with me in our room.  He won't. But...he does come into the bedroom for one thing and one thing only and I am supposed to jump at that!  I don't.   I can't.  It makes me feel used and cheap.  I have tried to tell him this also.  There is no talking to him. My feelings don't matter whatsoever.  He has never hit me although he has threatened to do so.  I have a son who is 24 from my first marriage and we have a 16 year old daughter.   I have gone to counseling, he won't have anything to do with it.   I just want to be happy and enjoy life!  I'm going to be 45 this December.  I just want to be happy!  Thats all.  My daughter understands my feelings but this is so hard on her.   She told me just last night that she would rather us stay together and be unhappy than to split up and disrupt everything.  My son wants me to move out.   I need the courage.  I need someone to help me make that first step.  I know i won't 'be able to live on my own and help pay for this stupid house we live in so...I'm confused and scared.  I know its not going to get any better.  I know it.  I just need help I think getting to where I need to be.  Somehow.... 

remember..... you are teaching your daughter what a relationship should look like. leaving is hard. you need to evaluate what it is you want, and what you want to be teaching your daughter. she will forgive you for disrupting her life. explain your reasoning to her. let her know that you don't feel that your husband's treatment of you is acceptable. it's even possible that if you actually leave it may be a wake up call for you husband. good luck with what ever you decide to do.
 
October 12, 2005, 3:43 pm CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Quote From: lizabeth

I believed that you should stay married not matter what.  But you have to know when it is not healthy to stay in a relationship.  If there are children, they can get hurt more with you together than apart if it is not right.  You can not change someone unless they want to be changed. We should not try to change for someone if you don’t want to.  We all see signs ahead of time that say.  This person is this way.  But many of us ignore it because WE WANT TO BELIEVE THAT PERSON IS FOR US>>>>>>

  

 

  

 

We all know when it is time to leave. We just don’t want to listen to that voice inside of us.  I was in a very abusive marriage.  I am now on a disability because of his abuse. We were high school sweet hearts.  He was very jealous and possessive.  The gut instinct told me it would not change and I needed to go on.  I got pregnant and we got married.  It never got better and his verbal abuse went to physical abuse.  It took him almost killing me to leave him.  It was hard.  My kids and I were basically out on the street.  I was stalked and went through years of problems trying to get on with my life.  I then met another man years later after my divorce. 

  

 

  

 

With the low self esteem due to the physical damage to my body and sole, I got myself into another bad marriage.  I had that gut instinct that said it would not work but I just did not listen.  We went through counseling and the counselors felt that since he would not listen then sometimes it is best to end a marriage.  The emotional abuse got worse and it affected my children.  It then turned to physical abuse. 

  

 

  

 

Not only did I suffer but so did my children. 

  

 

  

 

You can not change someone.  If they are someone who gets upset on the drop of a dime.  Or they are more interested in video games, friends or drinking than they are you.  If they just do not listen.  If they are a constant complainer and have nothing good to look at in life.  They don’t get along with others, self indulged or jealous.  Or just don’t have any ambition in life.  It won’t change.  It only gets worse. 

  

 

  

 

You have to decide what you want in life.  Are you a person that likes to have friends (if he is a jealous type, or secluded this will not work).  If you are someone that always looks at the good in everything and are a happy go lucky person (he is always unhappy and miserable, you can not make him happy), he will pull you down. 

  

 

  

 

They say opposites attract.  That may be true, they will not stay together.  I have been through two marriages that hurt me and my children.  If only I had gone on that gut instinct. 

  

 

  

 

I decided a head of time what I needed in a relationship.  I wrote it down and evaluated it fully.  I then decided that I would not settle for less.  I needed to be loved and have someone that I could love.  That would treat me like I should be treated.  Who would be my best friend and anything else.  I realize the men are not perfect and I would not find the perfect person.  But it just had to seem right. 

  

 

  

 

I met a man two years ago.  We took our time to get to know each other.  We kept sex out of the picture so that it would not confuse things.  But we became the best of friends.  He laughs at his mistakes.  He does get sad and has spells just like everyone.  But it is shared by asking for a hug or talking out what is bothering him.  When I am sad he makes me laugh.  If some one whistles at me while walking down the street and laughs and says she is mine.  And we have full trust and consideration for each other.  We talk about everything.  He is everything to me.  We have been married for a year.  And each time I see him it brings joy to my life.  He looks at me with a look that I can not explain. 

  

 

  

 

When I met him it was a gut instinct that said this is the one.  I had a peace and it is something that I can not explain. When it is right you will know.  It is better to be alone than with someone who is not right for you. 

  

 

  

 

I believed that you should stay married not matter what.  But you have to know when it is not healthy to stay in a relationship.  If there are children, they can get hurt more with you together than apart if it is not right.  You can not change someone unless they want to be changed. We should not try to change for someone if you don’t want to.  We all see signs ahead of time that say.  This person is this way.  But many of us ignore it because WE WANT TO BELIEVE THAT PERSON IS FOR US>>>>>>

  

 

  

 

I have gone through abuse my whole life and through two abusive marriages…  I got beat over the head one two many times before I realized that I do not deserve this.  When you leave a bad relationship it seems like it will not get better.  In my case I went through 15 years of hell by ex-spouces. But now I have the most wonderful man in my life.  He spoils me and treats me like I am a friend not his possession.  All I get is love and loving words.  I am lucky and so are my children and for the first time they can see what a relationship should be….  And MAYBE they will have the chance that I did not…………  He is not their father and he does show them love and respect.  They have a hard time accepting it and it is hard.  They have learned the ways of abuse from their father.  But he stands by me and we stand together in all decisions.  He is helping me teach them that physical and verbal abuse is not the way…..  I think his calmness upsets them more than anything.  They do not know how to react to it.  Sometimes neither do I.  But I am enjoying it and taking it all in.  I used to think that love was just a fairy tale.  But now I am living it and believing it.  Gut instinct it is there we just have to use it. 

i have been through several bad realtionships, some more abusive than others. it is uplifting to hear about someone who has been through worse than me, and turned everything around. thank you.
 
October 12, 2005, 4:30 pm CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Quote From: missjane2

See when I read your story I said: AW How Sweet where's the box of kleenex?   Have you told him how your feel?  If so what was his response?
I told him I do still love him, he told me the same, we are just giving it time.  But will I forgive for what he has done, and will I forget about the friend?
 
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