Topic : 10/14 "Kick 'em to the Curb!"

Quote From: aintaho

Just so you know, I don't sit and whallow or sit and watch him play his games. I do have my own life and so do the kids, unfortunately, its becomming to common to be without him.  I get involved in everything he likes to do. He has people who tell him how lucky he is to have the lifestyle he has, and a women who understands his needs to relax, that is not the problem. I can see that you don't know what it is like to have someone addicted to something, and it is not just as easy to do the things you are suggesting, it is not a hobby anymore, it is controlling the way he lives and we live. I was looking for people who may have the same problem, I needed to know that this is happening at other homes, and maybe they have suggestions, i appreciate your thoughts on the matter, but you dont really understand the problem, it is not as easy  as you seem to have put it. i am looking for an answer before I am too used to being alone, and the kids used to being without their Dad, because the games are more important..    thank you anyway for your thoughts and ideas...

Quote From: missjane2

You said your husband hates to work.  Maybe he needs a new job.  Maybe he needs to work less hours at the same job because some jobs are stressful.  You said he wanted to do music, but put that on the backburner to provide.   Maybe he feels bad about himself because of this.  I think computers is a way to ESCAPE.  He is escaping.

Quote From: lculver

 I was with my boyfriend for 9+ years, we just recently split, June 1, 2005, I lived with him, in his home.  We have no children together,  but we do each have children.  My three daughters live with me, and his son lived with us, typical blended familty.  He was emotionally abusive, and  physically abusive in the beginning.  I thought he might be having an affair at the beginning of 2005, I found that  he was having some type of affair, maybe not sexual, but something was happening.  I stayed with him for a few months and felt that I could not move on, so I bought my own home, moved.   I told him to move on, I was  through with  this relationship, he met someone, a good friend from school, I do know that he was with this person once in the last three months, I have not lived with him, I told him to move on, what did I expect from him.  Now I think I want him back in my life, what do I do.  I do love him deeply, we are best friends, we enjoy each other completely, I think, I just stopped caring emotionally, I gained weight, he was going to school, feeling good about himself, and I was feeling bad about myself.  I know he loves me, I just pushed him away.  He is not perfect, but he is an awesome person, we have both just had very hard lives and a lot of struggles, will it work if we go back?  So confused and sad.

Quote From: aintaho

Hi I am not one for giving advice to anybody. But, I couldnt help myself on this one. NOONE deserves to be emotionally  abused,but NOONE has a right to lay a finger on you EVER for any reason. You did the right thing. You said you have three daughters. You staying in a realtionship like that , teaches your daughters that it is alright to be treated this way. I know that this is not the kind of relationship that you have dreamed that your girls would have, is it? You were strong and left. You taught your daughters something. It's normal to want to go back, but just give it a bit of time, and you will see that this was the best thing for you and your kids. there is someone out there that will treat you the way you deserve to be treated. Just hang in there,be strong, and if you feel the need to call, just look at your daughters faces, I am sure that they will lead you in the right direction.. 

Quote From: lculver

 I was with my boyfriend for 9+ years, we just recently split, June 1, 2005, I lived with him, in his home.  We have no children together,  but we do each have children.  My three daughters live with me, and his son lived with us, typical blended familty.  He was emotionally abusive, and  physically abusive in the beginning.  I thought he might be having an affair at the beginning of 2005, I found that  he was having some type of affair, maybe not sexual, but something was happening.  I stayed with him for a few months and felt that I could not move on, so I bought my own home, moved.   I told him to move on, I was  through with  this relationship, he met someone, a good friend from school, I do know that he was with this person once in the last three months, I have not lived with him, I told him to move on, what did I expect from him.  Now I think I want him back in my life, what do I do.  I do love him deeply, we are best friends, we enjoy each other completely, I think, I just stopped caring emotionally, I gained weight, he was going to school, feeling good about himself, and I was feeling bad about myself.  I know he loves me, I just pushed him away.  He is not perfect, but he is an awesome person, we have both just had very hard lives and a lot of struggles, will it work if we go back?  So confused and sad.

Quote From: lizabeth

I believed that you should stay married not matter what.  But you have to know when it is not healthy to stay in a relationship.  If there are children, they can get hurt more with you together than apart if it is not right.  You can not change someone unless they want to be changed. We should not try to change for someone if you don’t want to.  We all see signs ahead of time that say.  This person is this way.  But many of us ignore it because WE WANT TO BELIEVE THAT PERSON IS FOR US>>>>>>

  

 

  

 

We all know when it is time to leave. We just don’t want to listen to that voice inside of us.  I was in a very abusive marriage.  I am now on a disability because of his abuse. We were high school sweet hearts.  He was very jealous and possessive.  The gut instinct told me it would not change and I needed to go on.  I got pregnant and we got married.  It never got better and his verbal abuse went to physical abuse.  It took him almost killing me to leave him.  It was hard.  My kids and I were basically out on the street.  I was stalked and went through years of problems trying to get on with my life.  I then met another man years later after my divorce. 

  

 

  

 

With the low self esteem due to the physical damage to my body and sole, I got myself into another bad marriage.  I had that gut instinct that said it would not work but I just did not listen.  We went through counseling and the counselors felt that since he would not listen then sometimes it is best to end a marriage.  The emotional abuse got worse and it affected my children.  It then turned to physical abuse. 

  

 

  

 

Not only did I suffer but so did my children. 

  

 

  

 

You can not change someone.  If they are someone who gets upset on the drop of a dime.  Or they are more interested in video games, friends or drinking than they are you.  If they just do not listen.  If they are a constant complainer and have nothing good to look at in life.  They don’t get along with others, self indulged or jealous.  Or just don’t have any ambition in life.  It won’t change.  It only gets worse. 

  

 

  

 

You have to decide what you want in life.  Are you a person that likes to have friends (if he is a jealous type, or secluded this will not work).  If you are someone that always looks at the good in everything and are a happy go lucky person (he is always unhappy and miserable, you can not make him happy), he will pull you down. 

  

 

  

 

They say opposites attract.  That may be true, they will not stay together.  I have been through two marriages that hurt me and my children.  If only I had gone on that gut instinct. 

  

 

  

 

I decided a head of time what I needed in a relationship.  I wrote it down and evaluated it fully.  I then decided that I would not settle for less.  I needed to be loved and have someone that I could love.  That would treat me like I should be treated.  Who would be my best friend and anything else.  I realize the men are not perfect and I would not find the perfect person.  But it just had to seem right. 

  

 

  

 

I met a man two years ago.  We took our time to get to know each other.  We kept sex out of the picture so that it would not confuse things.  But we became the best of friends.  He laughs at his mistakes.  He does get sad and has spells just like everyone.  But it is shared by asking for a hug or talking out what is bothering him.  When I am sad he makes me laugh.  If some one whistles at me while walking down the street and laughs and says she is mine.  And we have full trust and consideration for each other.  We talk about everything.  He is everything to me.  We have been married for a year.  And each time I see him it brings joy to my life.  He looks at me with a look that I can not explain. 

  

 

  

 

When I met him it was a gut instinct that said this is the one.  I had a peace and it is something that I can not explain. When it is right you will know.  It is better to be alone than with someone who is not right for you. 

  

 

  

 

I believed that you should stay married not matter what.  But you have to know when it is not healthy to stay in a relationship.  If there are children, they can get hurt more with you together than apart if it is not right.  You can not change someone unless they want to be changed. We should not try to change for someone if you don’t want to.  We all see signs ahead of time that say.  This person is this way.  But many of us ignore it because WE WANT TO BELIEVE THAT PERSON IS FOR US>>>>>>

  

 

  

 

I have gone through abuse my whole life and through two abusive marriages…  I got beat over the head one two many times before I realized that I do not deserve this.  When you leave a bad relationship it seems like it will not get better.  In my case I went through 15 years of hell by ex-spouces. But now I have the most wonderful man in my life.  He spoils me and treats me like I am a friend not his possession.  All I get is love and loving words.  I am lucky and so are my children and for the first time they can see what a relationship should be….  And MAYBE they will have the chance that I did not…………  He is not their father and he does show them love and respect.  They have a hard time accepting it and it is hard.  They have learned the ways of abuse from their father.  But he stands by me and we stand together in all decisions.  He is helping me teach them that physical and verbal abuse is not the way…..  I think his calmness upsets them more than anything.  They do not know how to react to it.  Sometimes neither do I.  But I am enjoying it and taking it all in.  I used to think that love was just a fairy tale.  But now I am living it and believing it.  Gut instinct it is there we just have to use it. 

Quote From: brenda8189

I feel that way about being married also.  I was divorced once and said I would never do that again.  I have now been married for 15+ years and it has not been fun.  My husband is very controlling and possesive.  He used to be a lot worse than he is now.  He used to check the speedometer in my car to see if I had been anywhere during the day while he was at work and other things.   

We now own a house, which we can't afford because HE wants it.  He is very selfish, very easy to anger, calls me names when he is mad, etc.  I want to leave so bad.  I just don't know what to do. I suppose the first step I need to do is talk to an attorney to see what happens if I just leave the bills.  The house is in my name as well as his.  I hate living here and having the stress of money all the time plus the way he treats me.  He sleeps on the couch and has for years.  I have tried to get him to sleep with me in our room.  He won't. But...he does come into the bedroom for one thing and one thing only and I am supposed to jump at that!  I don't.   I can't.  It makes me feel used and cheap.  I have tried to tell him this also.  There is no talking to him. My feelings don't matter whatsoever.  He has never hit me although he has threatened to do so.  I have a son who is 24 from my first marriage and we have a 16 year old daughter.   I have gone to counseling, he won't have anything to do with it.   I just want to be happy and enjoy life!  I'm going to be 45 this December.  I just want to be happy!  Thats all.  My daughter understands my feelings but this is so hard on her.   She told me just last night that she would rather us stay together and be unhappy than to split up and disrupt everything.  My son wants me to move out.   I need the courage.  I need someone to help me make that first step.  I know i won't 'be able to live on my own and help pay for this stupid house we live in so...I'm confused and scared.  I know its not going to get any better.  I know it.  I just need help I think getting to where I need to be.  Somehow.... 

Quote From: lizabeth

I believed that you should stay married not matter what.  But you have to know when it is not healthy to stay in a relationship.  If there are children, they can get hurt more with you together than apart if it is not right.  You can not change someone unless they want to be changed. We should not try to change for someone if you don’t want to.  We all see signs ahead of time that say.  This person is this way.  But many of us ignore it because WE WANT TO BELIEVE THAT PERSON IS FOR US>>>>>>

  

 

  

 

We all know when it is time to leave. We just don’t want to listen to that voice inside of us.  I was in a very abusive marriage.  I am now on a disability because of his abuse. We were high school sweet hearts.  He was very jealous and possessive.  The gut instinct told me it would not change and I needed to go on.  I got pregnant and we got married.  It never got better and his verbal abuse went to physical abuse.  It took him almost killing me to leave him.  It was hard.  My kids and I were basically out on the street.  I was stalked and went through years of problems trying to get on with my life.  I then met another man years later after my divorce. 

  

 

  

 

With the low self esteem due to the physical damage to my body and sole, I got myself into another bad marriage.  I had that gut instinct that said it would not work but I just did not listen.  We went through counseling and the counselors felt that since he would not listen then sometimes it is best to end a marriage.  The emotional abuse got worse and it affected my children.  It then turned to physical abuse. 

  

 

  

 

Not only did I suffer but so did my children. 

  

 

  

 

You can not change someone.  If they are someone who gets upset on the drop of a dime.  Or they are more interested in video games, friends or drinking than they are you.  If they just do not listen.  If they are a constant complainer and have nothing good to look at in life.  They don’t get along with others, self indulged or jealous.  Or just don’t have any ambition in life.  It won’t change.  It only gets worse. 

  

 

  

 

You have to decide what you want in life.  Are you a person that likes to have friends (if he is a jealous type, or secluded this will not work).  If you are someone that always looks at the good in everything and are a happy go lucky person (he is always unhappy and miserable, you can not make him happy), he will pull you down. 

  

 

  

 

They say opposites attract.  That may be true, they will not stay together.  I have been through two marriages that hurt me and my children.  If only I had gone on that gut instinct. 

  

 

  

 

I decided a head of time what I needed in a relationship.  I wrote it down and evaluated it fully.  I then decided that I would not settle for less.  I needed to be loved and have someone that I could love.  That would treat me like I should be treated.  Who would be my best friend and anything else.  I realize the men are not perfect and I would not find the perfect person.  But it just had to seem right. 

  

 

  

 

I met a man two years ago.  We took our time to get to know each other.  We kept sex out of the picture so that it would not confuse things.  But we became the best of friends.  He laughs at his mistakes.  He does get sad and has spells just like everyone.  But it is shared by asking for a hug or talking out what is bothering him.  When I am sad he makes me laugh.  If some one whistles at me while walking down the street and laughs and says she is mine.  And we have full trust and consideration for each other.  We talk about everything.  He is everything to me.  We have been married for a year.  And each time I see him it brings joy to my life.  He looks at me with a look that I can not explain. 

  

 

  

 

When I met him it was a gut instinct that said this is the one.  I had a peace and it is something that I can not explain. When it is right you will know.  It is better to be alone than with someone who is not right for you. 

  

 

  

 

I believed that you should stay married not matter what.  But you have to know when it is not healthy to stay in a relationship.  If there are children, they can get hurt more with you together than apart if it is not right.  You can not change someone unless they want to be changed. We should not try to change for someone if you don’t want to.  We all see signs ahead of time that say.  This person is this way.  But many of us ignore it because WE WANT TO BELIEVE THAT PERSON IS FOR US>>>>>>

  

 

  

 

I have gone through abuse my whole life and through two abusive marriages…  I got beat over the head one two many times before I realized that I do not deserve this.  When you leave a bad relationship it seems like it will not get better.  In my case I went through 15 years of hell by ex-spouces. But now I have the most wonderful man in my life.  He spoils me and treats me like I am a friend not his possession.  All I get is love and loving words.  I am lucky and so are my children and for the first time they can see what a relationship should be….  And MAYBE they will have the chance that I did not…………  He is not their father and he does show them love and respect.  They have a hard time accepting it and it is hard.  They have learned the ways of abuse from their father.  But he stands by me and we stand together in all decisions.  He is helping me teach them that physical and verbal abuse is not the way…..  I think his calmness upsets them more than anything.  They do not know how to react to it.  Sometimes neither do I.  But I am enjoying it and taking it all in.  I used to think that love was just a fairy tale.  But now I am living it and believing it.  Gut instinct it is there we just have to use it. 

Quote From: missjane2

See when I read your story I said: AW How Sweet where's the box of kleenex?   Have you told him how your feel?  If so what was his response?