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Topic : 10/14 "Kick 'em to the Curb!"

Number of Replies: 253
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Created on : Friday, October 07, 2005, 03:44:27 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

How do you know when it's time to kick that relationship to the curb? Dr. Phil's first guest is four months pregnant with her boyfriend's baby. He wants her to leave him alone, and she wants to know if she should let go of the relationship.What does Dr. Phil think? Next, Dr. Phil follows-up with two women whose marriages were in crisis. Sheila's husband, Steve, was a raging alcoholic. She would beat him when he was drunk, almost killing him. Did she take Dr. Phil's advice? And where is Steve now? Then, Michelle was living a cycle of abuse at the hands of her husband. Did she finally say, "No more," to the violence? Dr. Phil has advice for knowing when it's time to get out. Can you relate? Share your story.

 

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October 12, 2005, 4:37 pm CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Quote From: brillia

I know what it is like to want someone back who obviously loves you. What I have learned is that just because someone loves you it doesn't mean they are healthy enough to show you love. He may want to be with you too but unless he has had serious help (2 - 5 years) it don't think you can trust his ability to be a whole person for you. Another thing that I have learned is that we need to heal ourselves too. There is something in us that enables the bad behaviour and usually it is just because we want so desperately to be loved. Usually we are addicted to the person and their love is one of the only things that we are sure we need to make our world turn. I hope that you can find a peace inside of you that says I do not need another person to complete me. Then when you find someone who you have feelings for you can see if he is choosing you instead of being infatuated with you and you can choose him too. That is where you will find your true love. Ask yourself the question "Is he pursuing me or am I doing all the pursuing?" If he is pursuing you can you see changes in his behaviour that you can trust? Don't tell yourself what you want to hear make sure it is the truth. Bottom Line TRUST THE BEHAVIOUR!   

  

Most importantly I hope you can find the help you need to be healthier in you next relationship. 

  

I was separated from my husband for 3 months and felt so desperate for his loving arms and friendship. He wants to change and has the biggest heart but as long as I keep rescuing him why would he have to. I think you are doing your man a favour by letting him feel the consequences of his actions. If he needs to find comfort in someone elses arms then he is not even close to being able to be committed to you and you are on the right track.  

THANK YOU!
 
October 12, 2005, 6:12 pm CDT

Understanding

Hi,  I can truly empathize with everyone.   I myself was in an verbal and emotional abusive relationship.  The total amount was two years.  I knew I had to leave long before I actually did, but when I became pregant, the old "he will change" attitude came.   My ex-husband also was a drug addict who continuously promised to stop but even after my son was born he continued to use.  People do not want to change unless they want to.  When my son was two months old I picked up my things and left.  Now I am very happy with my life.  I am a successfull teacher and presently obtaining a masters degree.  I am in a healthy relationship but going very slow. I believe life gives us lessons and we must learn from them.   I do not believe in staying in a unhealthy relationship because of the children because then when they grow up they will repeat the same cycle.  We must teach them that we care about ourselves and care about them as well.  We must also take care of ourselves first because if we are not well how can we care for our children. 

  We must respect ourselves enough to know when we are being mistreated and to get out of that relationhsip it is never too late to leave.  There are too many resources out there today to stay.  But I also do understand why women stay it is out of fear and financial situations and self-esteem, but at the same time they have to find a way to get out. 

 
October 12, 2005, 6:13 pm CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Quote From: lculver

I told him I do still love him, he told me the same, we are just giving it time.  But will I forgive for what he has done, and will I forget about the friend?
I think that works two ways.  On one hand  him being around her can make him feel like he made a big mistake and make him appreciate you more.  On the otherhand  it depends on if he continues to see her.  The problem is if he is telling her the personal things you tell him or about all your problems then it is bonding him to her.  What does he say he feels about her?  And do you believe him when he tells you this?  Is she aggressively calling him?  That is the thing too.  I have a friend in your situation where the mistress calls my friends husband 10 times a day asking for help with something....  the past is the past and sometimes not getting past the past brings it again into the future.....
 
October 12, 2005, 6:34 pm CDT

kick em to the curb

I am a woman who spent way to long in a abusive relationship.  I understand that some things can be worked out, but people need to realize that you can only do so much yourself, if that other person cant commit to change, then KICK EM TO THE CURB. I raised two boys on my own for a long time, it was difficult, but i would much rather them had just me than endure countless hours of fighting, yelling and the like.
 
October 12, 2005, 6:53 pm CDT

going through the same

Quote From: missjane2

I think that works two ways.  On one hand  him being around her can make him feel like he made a big mistake and make him appreciate you more.  On the otherhand  it depends on if he continues to see her.  The problem is if he is telling her the personal things you tell him or about all your problems then it is bonding him to her.  What does he say he feels about her?  And do you believe him when he tells you this?  Is she aggressively calling him?  That is the thing too.  I have a friend in your situation where the mistress calls my friends husband 10 times a day asking for help with something....  the past is the past and sometimes not getting past the past brings it again into the future.....
i didnt realize so many women went through the same thing.I would like to know why men feel it is ok to miss treat women?I have been in a 8yr relationship.Lots of cheating on his half.I have no ideal why.I am not ugly, I have did alot for his daughter,and him out of love.I gave up my house for 14yrs thinking we were going to do something.I have helped him get 2 cars,no he really hasnt did anything big for me.We do not have any children together.I have 3,he has one and we wont go into the crazy baby momma that he has.We are currently living together now,but I believe I will be leaving him when our lease is up because i am tied of him cheating on me.He wants to hide his cell phone,turn the ringer very low,text messages off,along with the voice mail.He has cheated on me with someone from his job.Every time he would change his cell phone number she would end up with it.I did move out last october,but came back because i really thought he wanted to change for the good,but i guess i was wrong.I wish all woman who go through this the best in life and i truely believe GOD has something in store for all people who miss treat good people.I tell you one thing,i would whether you be honest with me than put me through the lies and hurtful games.Is thre any one who can give me advice?I already know that i need to leave,but why do we allow things to happen like that?
 
October 12, 2005, 8:11 pm CDT

I am in the same boat

Quote From: joey75

I am a woman who spent way to long in a abusive relationship.  I understand that some things can be worked out, but people need to realize that you can only do so much yourself, if that other person cant commit to change, then KICK EM TO THE CURB. I raised two boys on my own for a long time, it was difficult, but i would much rather them had just me than endure countless hours of fighting, yelling and the like.
I have been married for 15 yrs., and it has just taken the last 2 yrs. of the relationship to realize just how much abuse and its cycle can take a toll not only on you but your children also.  I am presently at this time in the process of a divorce.  My husband and I have been separated for almost 2 yrs. now.  We have counseled with at least 4 counselors to help solve our problems but to no avail.  I grew up thinking that a man was supposed to treat his wife like she was a queen.  Instead I have found out that my husband never has thought that.  His actions and thinking toward a marraige is one of superiority and I am the subordinant.  He believes that I have to earn his love and prove to him everything.  He is and still is very critical of everything I do.  There has been also some physical abuse in the past and that is when we separated for the 1st time.  Because I thought at that time that he wanted to work things out, I let him back in the house after only 3 months, biggest mistake of my life now 8 yrs later we are in the process of a divorce.  I could no longer handle his critism, and lake of respect for me.  I couldn't no longer try to please him because there was no pleasing him.  It seemed the more I tried that the more he mistreated me.  We even counseled with people at the church where we attend, including also a professional counselor only to have my husband say when the professional counselor asked him to if he was willing to work on the marriage that he didn't have to  and why should he.  My pastor has even tried to help us but my husband has wanted no part of it.  He blames me for all of our problems and is very angery and bitter at me b/c I kick him out of the house 2 yrs ago.  He has done everything in his power to get back at me.  I did the above not only for the sanity of myself but my girls also.  I have been so hurt over this matter that I can not even put into words how I feel.  If I had stayed in the relationship I have no doubt that I we would of probably ended up destroying each other.
 
October 13, 2005, 7:02 am CDT

Strange Feelings

 I have been married to a wonderful lady for almost a year. This is a second marriage for both of us. Before we met we both were in relationships but eventually we were brought together and have had a wonderful time together. When we were dating the woman I was in a relationship was still in contact with me. My girlfriend told me to stop all contact with her so I did and have not spoken or emailed her since. On the other hand my wife came out of a bad relationship with someone who left her in an airport alone because he wanted to be with someone else. Well since then we have married and have had nothing but an incredible time together.  

 Now my thoughts are these...since then my wife has still been in contact with this guy. He will email her or call her to say hi and talk. I have told her that I cannot understand why and she told me because she likes hearing about how miserable he is doing. I trust her that nothing will come of this but I just do not know what to think or feel. I have told her that I want him out...but if she does not I do not think I can stay in this knowing that he is in the background.  

Any feelings from any of you?? 

 
October 13, 2005, 7:03 am CDT

Once a Cheat always a Cheat???

Quote From: ljfm62

I have been with the same man for 8 years we are not married but own a home together.  We have been in turmoil for the past 2 years due to infidelity reasons on both sides. We have recently decided to go our own ways and end our relationship.  We care and love one another deeply and know we have made some horrible hurtful mistakes that has caused us to be where we are currently at.  We are now talking of giving it another try, but im worried that if i do and things dont change i am only setting myself up for heartache and disappointment. We are not young kids we are adults in our 40's.  Is it true once a cheat always a cheat?  Once the trust and respect is tarnished is it possible to get it back?  Are we both just fooling ourselves because we are afraid to let go?  I have put a downpayment on another home but i dont want to be hasty in my decision if there is any possiblilty that we can be back the love and respect we once shared.   I would appreciate any advice.   Help Dr Phil
No, it's not true.  With most people that IS the case.  But I have to tell you, I cheated in 1992/1993 with a few people and had a sudden epiphany.  From that point on I was faithful and never even had a thought of being unfaithful to my partner.  She was able to forgive me and eventually I regained her trust.  We were together for almost 18 years and the SHE cheated on me and left.  How 'bout them apples?  And before you say I got my 'just desserts' ...don't judge...because you have no idea what I did and the role I eventually played in the relationship.
 
October 13, 2005, 7:11 am CDT

First Marriage was Hell

Quote From: aintaho

Just so you know, I don't sit and whallow or sit and watch him play his games. I do have my own life and so do the kids, unfortunately, its becomming to common to be without him.  I get involved in everything he likes to do. He has people who tell him how lucky he is to have the lifestyle he has, and a women who understands his needs to relax, that is not the problem. I can see that you don't know what it is like to have someone addicted to something, and it is not just as easy to do the things you are suggesting, it is not a hobby anymore, it is controlling the way he lives and we live. I was looking for people who may have the same problem, I needed to know that this is happening at other homes, and maybe they have suggestions, i appreciate your thoughts on the matter, but you dont really understand the problem, it is not as easy  as you seem to have put it. i am looking for an answer before I am too used to being alone, and the kids used to being without their Dad, because the games are more important..    thank you anyway for your thoughts and ideas...

I don't believe that you wallow or sit around and watch him playing the games.  I did have a husband addicted to video games.  And if it was not that it was football.  Then when it was not that it was hunting.  Never anything together.  You have to let him know that it bothers you.  But only he can change what he wants to do.  I found out that if I hounded him he would stay on the games even longer.  He got mad if the kids made noises around him or interrupted him.   

  

My kids have learned, who are now teenagers.  He never changed.  My kids do not take priority in his life.  We divorced and he feels that his fatherly thing is just to pay his child support.  To this day he just married a younger woman who does her thing and he does his.  She does not try to have to spend time with him.  But my kids learned that it was not right to do what he does, but he can't be changed.  When they see a parent that is loving and responsive to them and not what he is doing that makes the world of good.  You can't change him.  My ex it angered him that my kids had such a better response to me than him.  When my kids to go visit maybe every couple of years.  He still sits in front of that game.  What I am saying is don't compete with the game.  You have to enjoy life.  And he has the choice to join you or just keep doing what he is doing.  In the future you will have the memories with your kids and so forth.  What will he have......  If they see you getting upset about it.  It also upsets them.  It then turns him more to the game.  I have found out that with men like this it either upsets them and they change.  Or they just stay the way the are and it gets worse.  So many men and even women are addicted to these games.  My now husband lost his wife to someone else who played these games on line.  They went from playing the games to meeting each other and having...... games.   The point is if he changes then you have each other.  If he does not change then you have to either find something to get your mind off of him.  Or end the marriage.  Because the point is he is enjoying the thrill of the game more than life.  That is not your fault.  And believe me I had a collicy baby that put me in the hospital due to exhaustion and he was still more interested in the games......  It is 22 years later and he has not changed.  But I have and so have my children.  They hate that he stays on the games.  But the point is that they learned from me that it is not alright.  And I did not put him down for what he was doing.  He more or less did that on his own in his kids eyes.  If you don't want to work on a marriage you have to decide.  I am doing everything on my own anyway.  You have to decide what you want in life....  I will say some people even myself need the affection and the contact.  I did not get it from him.....  So many marriages break up because of computers, games, and expenses put in.....   

  

The second marriage we did not have children together and he had his obsessions too.  I could break him away from them....  I will say from experience that there are signs that they are this way, before it gets to be a problem.   

  

With my new husband it is his motor cycle.  But he will ask me if he can go riding.  I am lucky and have a good one this time.  But you can't change them.  They have to learn what they need in life....   

  

I would try to hide the games or what ever I could.  All it got me was beat up.....  You do have to express how it upsets you.  But in a way that they don't take it as an attack....  It is an addiction just like a drug.....  It is just weaning them away.   But some men or women just don't change.......  But the thing is not to let it eat you up inside.....  That is what I am saying.....   

  

Just like last night.  I was busy working on homework... I am trying to get a degree.....  Work full time and so forth.  I asked him to start dinner.....  What did he do..  He pulled up a chair and turned on the computer.... Had a new program he wanted to learn....  I got up and said I guess will just have to do it......... In a calm voice and go up and started dinner.  He still stayed glued to the computer..... We ate dinner with out him....  And then I went up and went to bed.   It took a while when he went down and asked where his dinner was......  I told him the family had dinner......  But since he was so engrossed in the computer instead of family......  He had to figure it out himself......  He then made his own dinner and we talked it out.....   

  

I learned I WILL NOT MAKE MYSELF MAD about a game or a computer ever again in my life.... If they miss out on time with me it is there loss and not mine..........   But no marriage is perfect and all men have flaws and their toys.......  It is not worth my blood pressure and health........  Best of luck.  If you can get him in counceling that might help... But you can't do it for him... Sometimes and outsider can help.....   

 
October 13, 2005, 7:47 am CDT

When to leave your partner

My partner that I've been with for 25 years on and off denies using drugs (crack). However, I have been feeling like he's using because of his behavior. Yesterday, in his doctor's office the doctor reported his blood test came back positive for cocaine. My suspicions were confirmed. Where do I go from here? He's been in and out of rehabs 4-5 times. Most days he doesn't use and is actually a pleasure to be around. However, if he gets some money and makes a stop then he's going to use.  I don't want or need to be around anyone using drugs. I'm back in college to be an alcohol/drug counselor so I feel we're not on the same page. 

  

I'm thinking about sitting down with him & discussing this matter. He becomes angry when confronted with truth when he's been lying.  If we sit down & talk about goals and I see him working towards them then fine. If we can't agree on the same goals, then he's going to have to move out. Let me know what you think. 

 
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