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Topic : 10/14 "Kick 'em to the Curb!"

Number of Replies: 253
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Created on : Friday, October 07, 2005, 03:44:27 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

How do you know when it's time to kick that relationship to the curb? Dr. Phil's first guest is four months pregnant with her boyfriend's baby. He wants her to leave him alone, and she wants to know if she should let go of the relationship.What does Dr. Phil think? Next, Dr. Phil follows-up with two women whose marriages were in crisis. Sheila's husband, Steve, was a raging alcoholic. She would beat him when he was drunk, almost killing him. Did she take Dr. Phil's advice? And where is Steve now? Then, Michelle was living a cycle of abuse at the hands of her husband. Did she finally say, "No more," to the violence? Dr. Phil has advice for knowing when it's time to get out. Can you relate? Share your story.

 

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October 13, 2005, 8:15 am CDT

Don't be Your Own Mennace

Being a slave to someone else's thoughts is our own choice.  Being nice is when you enable someone by giving your on input, and with out your input the other person couldn't have got a damn thing done.  Some people in our life are models for authority.   

A person must chose to have authority over their own life. Be an author of your own book of life and stop allowing another human being to be a mennace in your enviornment. 

Don't be your own mennace in the relationship, and allow someone to force you to question your role in a situation. All you do is go to sleep with an argument and wake with an argument.  If two people haven't agree upon a solution to any agument in more than six months, the more mature person must allow him/herself to leave the relationship.  

  

P.S.  Please leave before two people that can't get along have a child. (DIVORCE) 

 
October 13, 2005, 8:34 am CDT

The Similarities are Amazing

Quote From: brenda8189

I feel that way about being married also.  I was divorced once and said I would never do that again.  I have now been married for 15+ years and it has not been fun.  My husband is very controlling and possesive.  He used to be a lot worse than he is now.  He used to check the speedometer in my car to see if I had been anywhere during the day while he was at work and other things.   

We now own a house, which we can't afford because HE wants it.  He is very selfish, very easy to anger, calls me names when he is mad, etc.  I want to leave so bad.  I just don't know what to do. I suppose the first step I need to do is talk to an attorney to see what happens if I just leave the bills.  The house is in my name as well as his.  I hate living here and having the stress of money all the time plus the way he treats me.  He sleeps on the couch and has for years.  I have tried to get him to sleep with me in our room.  He won't. But...he does come into the bedroom for one thing and one thing only and I am supposed to jump at that!  I don't.   I can't.  It makes me feel used and cheap.  I have tried to tell him this also.  There is no talking to him. My feelings don't matter whatsoever.  He has never hit me although he has threatened to do so.  I have a son who is 24 from my first marriage and we have a 16 year old daughter.   I have gone to counseling, he won't have anything to do with it.   I just want to be happy and enjoy life!  I'm going to be 45 this December.  I just want to be happy!  Thats all.  My daughter understands my feelings but this is so hard on her.   She told me just last night that she would rather us stay together and be unhappy than to split up and disrupt everything.  My son wants me to move out.   I need the courage.  I need someone to help me make that first step.  I know i won't 'be able to live on my own and help pay for this stupid house we live in so...I'm confused and scared.  I know its not going to get any better.  I know it.  I just need help I think getting to where I need to be.  Somehow.... 

The only differences are my husband and I have been married 9 years, I had no children in my previous marriage of 6 years, he drinks everyday, he doesn't sleep on the couch, I think he is worse now (or I just notice it more), my son is only 6 years old, I'm slightly younger, I have not gone to counseling (read about 5 books), he also accuses me of cheating, and I could afford to leave him if I got a different job.  He might not be able to handle the separation well.  I think he will only get worse and can not see us growing old together, anymore.

  

 

 

  

 

Until I read the books, I thought I was alone.  Then I thought that he could be a part of the 1%, where it is truly an imbalance.  His father is on medication for this same behavior.  I made him an appointment to see the doctor for a physical only, he agreed, then canceled the appointment the day before saying "When I am ready, I will go see the doctor."  Then I hear "Well, I don't see you changing."  We don't talk or he doesn't hear what I say to him.  I decided the other day that I would treat his ranting like static on a radio station and change the channel.

  

 

 

  

 

I just wanted you to know that you are not alone.  Also, try to get a distance from the situation (even if it is just spending some time alone).  This might give you more perspective.  I will agree with you that it does get complicated, especially with children and a mortgage.  Plus, my theory was, if he has been so unhappy with me, I can't do anything right, etc., I would think that he would just leave.

  

 

 

  

 

Thank you, lizabeth.  You have really given me hope at a really low point in my life.  Feeling like you have made close to the same mistake twice in choosing a life's partner is not a good feeling to have. 

  

 

  

 

  

 
October 13, 2005, 8:44 am CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Quote From: nikita1313

No, it's not true.  With most people that IS the case.  But I have to tell you, I cheated in 1992/1993 with a few people and had a sudden epiphany.  From that point on I was faithful and never even had a thought of being unfaithful to my partner.  She was able to forgive me and eventually I regained her trust.  We were together for almost 18 years and the SHE cheated on me and left.  How 'bout them apples?  And before you say I got my 'just desserts' ...don't judge...because you have no idea what I did and the role I eventually played in the relationship.

I am in somewhat of the same boat.  I am 27 and my boyfriend is 30.  He has erectile dysfunction.  I take it VERY personally like it is something I did.  A small part of me knows its not me but the female, emotional part of me still thinks its me.  We never talk about it.  He is not a talker.  So I have to figure it out on my own.  When I did this I felt as though our relationship was more like we were friends because there was not intimacy, no connection.  Other than the lack of sex our relationship was perfect.  We did everything together.  One night, I cheated on him.  I needed to feel wanted and attractive.  It was only sex.  He found out and to my complete surprise was very sad.  When I went to his house to collect my things he had obviously been crying and I was cyring too.  He hugged me and held me and I was there for five hours crying and holding eachother.  He said he still wanted me to be around and he didn't want this to end things.  He just didn't know what to do and thought me might just need time alone to figure things out.  I told him that I was deeply sorry for what I did and that I took complete blame for what I did.  I told him I didn't know the feelings he had for me and that I could fix what I did and he would be able to trust me again.   

We went a couple days without talking.  He would call me at night when he was alone and tell me he missed me.  I continued to tell him how sorry I was and that I could fix it.  Then I started staying the night there again and a couple weeks later he got very distant and I asked him....What is going on, do you want me here.  He told me he is still not over it, he needs space to figure it out.  So once again.  I collected my things and started staying at my house and not calling him.  And once again a couple days later he called and wanted to see me and go to dinner and then for me to stay the night.   

Its been a couple months now since I cheated and somedays I think things are on there way back to being the way they were.  Other days I wish I could just tell him I cant take the emotional ups and downs or another one of his breaks.  But I love him and can see a future with him.  So I continue to deal with his "healing process" (as my councelor calls it, I've been going since I cheated).  But it is so hard.   And everyday I wake up and things aren't the same I beat myself up for what I did all over again.  But I also try to think of the agony he is going through and what he must think.  What do I do?  Will we ever get over this or will it always be there in the back of his mind.  Will things ever be the same? 

 
October 13, 2005, 9:48 am CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

wow.thats pretty bad why is your husband controlling.muy ex boyfriend was the same but worse so i know what you are going through.
 
October 13, 2005, 9:53 am CDT

JUMPER CABLES TO THE BRAIN

Jane has to add this funny somewhere.  As I was driving to work this morning, There was this writing on a truck that said in bold letters:  JUMPER CABLES TO THE BRAIN.  Yeah, that's what this show is.... JUMPER CABLES TO THE BRAIN.
 
October 13, 2005, 1:17 pm CDT

Kick them quickly to the curb

I was glad to see the show on kicking them to the curb, and I was in a very controlling (Alternative Lifestyle relationship, but the pain was the same) in that I could go NO Where without have my partne tagging along or walking in and wanting to know what I was doing or "How Long are you going to be gone", yet when he wanted to go somewhere he did not want company and he did not want you to walk into the room when he was using the computer. Our conversation were like a Nextel Walkie Talkie, He would say what he wanted (And don't you dare interrupt him ), until he says "Done", then you share and say Done and then he shares (Done) you share (done), etc. There was no interactive conversation, no deciding where to go. 

  

Once I moved out (quickly) I felt the burden lifted and I am so much better in dealing with myself and finding myself and am becoming a better person. He has asked me to come back, that he has changed, but I don't see it and he gets mad when I say NO, so I am sure that nothing has changed. 

  

So I am telling anyone in any controlling relationships, Run and do it quickly, you will feel better much sooner, don't let the manipulative and controlling attitude tell you that "I am changing", Run. 

 
October 13, 2005, 1:35 pm CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Quote From: dna1118

 I have been married to a wonderful lady for almost a year. This is a second marriage for both of us. Before we met we both were in relationships but eventually we were brought together and have had a wonderful time together. When we were dating the woman I was in a relationship was still in contact with me. My girlfriend told me to stop all contact with her so I did and have not spoken or emailed her since. On the other hand my wife came out of a bad relationship with someone who left her in an airport alone because he wanted to be with someone else. Well since then we have married and have had nothing but an incredible time together.  

 Now my thoughts are these...since then my wife has still been in contact with this guy. He will email her or call her to say hi and talk. I have told her that I cannot understand why and she told me because she likes hearing about how miserable he is doing. I trust her that nothing will come of this but I just do not know what to think or feel. I have told her that I want him out...but if she does not I do not think I can stay in this knowing that he is in the background.  

Any feelings from any of you?? 

It depends what kind of feelings she has toward him.  If there is no kids, there is no reason.  If she can't stand him then whatever.  If she is flirty and playful with him then no no.  Do you ever read the emails? 
 
October 13, 2005, 5:28 pm CDT

Move Him Out!

Quote From: spyder49

My partner that I've been with for 25 years on and off denies using drugs (crack). However, I have been feeling like he's using because of his behavior. Yesterday, in his doctor's office the doctor reported his blood test came back positive for cocaine. My suspicions were confirmed. Where do I go from here? He's been in and out of rehabs 4-5 times. Most days he doesn't use and is actually a pleasure to be around. However, if he gets some money and makes a stop then he's going to use.  I don't want or need to be around anyone using drugs. I'm back in college to be an alcohol/drug counselor so I feel we're not on the same page. 

  

I'm thinking about sitting down with him & discussing this matter. He becomes angry when confronted with truth when he's been lying.  If we sit down & talk about goals and I see him working towards them then fine. If we can't agree on the same goals, then he's going to have to move out. Let me know what you think. 

Your right, you are not on the same page. Your partner will not change until he is ready. He has already been in drug rehab 4 or 5 times. Talking to him will not make him change. He has some real issues and you being aound him and his drug use is not going to help your life in anyway. You need to think of yourself. What would happen if the police found drugs in your house or your car? You could possibly face criminal charges.  

  

I was in a relationship where the man I was with was using drugs and abusing alcohol. He was normal when he wasn't on anything. We had a great relationship, but when he would go out and drink and smoke, he would become a different person. I tried talking to him, I cried, I threatened to break up with him, I tried just about everything until I realized that there was nothing I could do to change him. He would always apologize for his behavior and say it would never happen again. He said that he needed me to help him quit his addiction, so I stayed and tried to help him. He started sneaking around and lying about his use of drugs and alcohol. I thought that my love for me would change him and I realized that when you are addicted to a substance, it doesn't matter how much you love that person, they won't change unless they want to. I tearfully left that relationship and moved on. I am now engaged to a wonderful man who does not abuse alcohol or use drugs.  

  

I have on ocassion run into my ex over the past three years and gues what? He is still using drugs and drinking. It has negatively affected his life, but not mine, because I have moved on. I know that its going to be hard at first, but you need to do something for yourself. You owe it to yourself to be in a safe and clean enviornment free of drugs.  

 
October 13, 2005, 8:01 pm CDT

how do you know when...?

I have been looking thru some of the posts here, and i don't know how bad my reltionships are compared, but i am not comparing, jsut wondering... how do you know when you should get out, or rather in my case give up? I am in my 30s now and i was married fresh out of highschool, had a child (who is now in her teens). left her father within a year, due to his use of drugs. met a man, who seemed good (looks can be deceiving) long story short, he liked to drink & drugs, i knew about the drinking up front ( i was young enjoyed drinking) but the drugs were reveiled later.  well, 6 yrs later i found him in bed with another woman...uggh. it wasnt ok, but i have delt with it and moved on (part of me is still resentful, but it doesnt interfere with my now personal life).     

  

5 years ago i met a nice man, he treats me well, would do jsut about anything for me except get married.  My issue is that he likes to drink beer.  in his culture, it is normal to have beer at home at night after work..its not a big deal.  (i grew up, my step father did that i never used to think it was a big deal??) well, that seems to be a small part of our problem, but i am not sure if its personal or not.  he also has 2 children..so thats 3 all together. our children are our biggest problem, he thinks i am too strict, and i think he is too leinent. when i try to discipline it's a problem only when he is drinking though. and because he doesnt agree with me, his kids have no respect for me. they dont listen to me, they think they can do what they want. and that they will get away with it. i try telling him if he doesnt put his foot down, they are going to walk all over him when they are teenagers, only 3 yrs. away..  in the meantime, my teenager is ready for some wings, so i give her more freedom now becasue she is older and she deserves it, but he thinks i am wrong.  i know i am not.   

  

so this short version brings me to this:  he was married b4 too, and i swore up and down that i would not live with another man that wasnt going to marry me, for another 6 years..so, last year i didn't get any kind of commitment from him, and i was very upset.  so the day after my bday i went and put a promise ring on layaway and gave him the receipt. told him he had 6 mths to make up his mind or i was leaving...i got it a month later, he did surprise me.  but now we are going on our 6th year and all i ever wanted was to get married and have more kids.  and it doesnt seem like that is what he wants...and maybe i am wrong but seems like he has :i've been burnt b4 and i wont be this time"-syndrome. it has been 4 years since his divorce has been final and i feel as though he never trusts me!!!  i went on vacation, and he put me on a guilt trip for the entire 5 days i was gone, and when i returned..and he told me to go and have fun..guess who didnt have fun!? me!   

  

so, after all of that, did i mention we ahve a house together? it's in his name becasue my credit was too bad to put my name on it, but it was all my savings that got us the house (that is a long story in itself).  i have gotten over my insecurities about men and said what the heck...trust just one more...but its like he's not...how do i know when its time to throw in the towel? any ideas? or suggestions? and then there is the thought that i am jsut being selfish? i jsut dont know?  terribly confused...thanks. 

 
October 13, 2005, 8:02 pm CDT

how do you know when...?

I have been looking thru some of the posts here, and i don't know how bad my reltionships are compared, but i am not comparing, jsut wondering... how do you know when you should get out, or rather in my case give up? I am in my 30s now and i was married fresh out of highschool, had a child (who is now in her teens). left her father within a year, due to his use of drugs. met a man, who seemed good (looks can be deceiving) long story short, he liked to drink & drugs, i knew about the drinking up front ( i was young enjoyed drinking) but the drugs were reveiled later.  well, 6 yrs later i found him in bed with another woman...uggh. it wasnt ok, but i have delt with it and moved on (part of me is still resentful, but it doesnt interfere with my now personal life).     

  

5 years ago i met a nice man, he treats me well, would do jsut about anything for me except get married.  My issue is that he likes to drink beer.  in his culture, it is normal to have beer at home at night after work..its not a big deal.  (i grew up, my step father did that i never used to think it was a big deal??) well, that seems to be a small part of our problem, but i am not sure if its personal or not.  he also has 2 children..so thats 3 all together. our children are our biggest problem, he thinks i am too strict, and i think he is too leinent. when i try to discipline it's a problem only when he is drinking though. and because he doesnt agree with me, his kids have no respect for me. they dont listen to me, they think they can do what they want. and that they will get away with it. i try telling him if he doesnt put his foot down, they are going to walk all over him when they are teenagers, only 3 yrs. away..  in the meantime, my teenager is ready for some wings, so i give her more freedom now becasue she is older and she deserves it, but he thinks i am wrong.  i know i am not.   

  

so this short version brings me to this:  he was married b4 too, and i swore up and down that i would not live with another man that wasnt going to marry me, for another 6 years..so, last year i didn't get any kind of commitment from him, and i was very upset.  so the day after my bday i went and put a promise ring on layaway and gave him the receipt. told him he had 6 mths to make up his mind or i was leaving...i got it a month later, he did surprise me.  but now we are going on our 6th year and all i ever wanted was to get married and have more kids.  and it doesnt seem like that is what he wants...and maybe i am wrong but seems like he has :i've been burnt b4 and i wont be this time"-syndrome. it has been 4 years since his divorce has been final and i feel as though he never trusts me!!!  i went on vacation, and he put me on a guilt trip for the entire 5 days i was gone, and when i returned..and he told me to go and have fun..guess who didnt have fun!? me!   

  

so, after all of that, did i mention we ahve a house together? it's in his name becasue my credit was too bad to put my name on it, but it was all my savings that got us the house (that is a long story in itself).  i have gotten over my insecurities about men and said what the heck...trust just one more...but its like he's not...how do i know when its time to throw in the towel? any ideas? or suggestions? and then there is the thought that i am jsut being selfish? i jsut dont know?  terribly confused...thanks. 

 
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