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Topic : 10/14 "Kick 'em to the Curb!"

Number of Replies: 253
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Created on : Friday, October 07, 2005, 03:44:27 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

How do you know when it's time to kick that relationship to the curb? Dr. Phil's first guest is four months pregnant with her boyfriend's baby. He wants her to leave him alone, and she wants to know if she should let go of the relationship.What does Dr. Phil think? Next, Dr. Phil follows-up with two women whose marriages were in crisis. Sheila's husband, Steve, was a raging alcoholic. She would beat him when he was drunk, almost killing him. Did she take Dr. Phil's advice? And where is Steve now? Then, Michelle was living a cycle of abuse at the hands of her husband. Did she finally say, "No more," to the violence? Dr. Phil has advice for knowing when it's time to get out. Can you relate? Share your story.

 

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October 13, 2005, 8:10 pm CDT

Abusive Marriages affects children

Hi Ladies, 

  

I have been reading everyone's stories on here about being in a marriage where there men either cut themselves off from the family with video games, or men who cheat on their wives, or husbands who are abusive physical or emotionally.  You all wondering why you stay?  I think for some women think if they stay for the children the kids won't place blame on either parent for their break-up. 

  

I am a product of a child who lived in a marriage where my father was an abusive, physically and mentally and emotionally to my mom, brother and myself.  My father was an alcoholic to start with their marriage.  WIthin the first year of marriage my father was have affairs with other women because my mother wasn't giving what he was looking for.  She was controlled to the point she couldn't do anything without his permission.  If she did something without his permission she got her ass beat to hell, and made both my brother and I watch the abuse.  I remember times I was screaming and telling him to stop hitting my mother.  I even stood infront of my mother to stop my father from hitting her and I would get hit instead and would take many blows for both my mom and my brother.   

  

My brother would get his ass beat up for losing a hockey game, cause he was the goalie and he didn't play the way my father wanted him to play.  It would frustrate my brother and came to the point he didn't want to play, but my father went and registrar him every year in hockey.  I was not allowed to play sports, i was too fat to be in sports and I was going to be a worthless mother and parent when I grew up.  I am the oldest and I went through alot of the pain growing up in this kind of marriage. 

  

I could tell you tons of stories, but I am sure you get the picture just reading this information.  I want to tell women in any kind of marriage where you are not getting the response you need from your husband, please leave him. He needs to get help for himself.  You can't help someone who can't help themselves.  Things will be tough when you leave, but your children will grow up to be more positive and good people as adults from it.   

  

Because of the life I have lived as a child, I am just starting in therapy because my realtionships with men have either been abusive, or i have been the one abusing them, or if the right guy comes along and wants to support me, i push him out of my life cause i was told I wasn't worth a good life.  I begged my mother many times to leave daddy, and go somewhere safe so we can be happy together.  To this day, she is still married to him, and he controls her every move.  He doesn't drink anymore, but he is still abusive and controlling and she is afraid to be alone so she won't leave him. 

  

If anything from my story, you see that your children will be more screwed up than anything.  I am 28 years old and I am just starting to fix up my life so I can have a loving relationship in my life.  I just wish there was a way I can help my mom, but I can't.  I hope this story inspires someone to leave their husband for good.  Thank you for your time. 

 
October 14, 2005, 1:16 am CDT

so sad.....

I of course feel sad for both families but to me it seems that this poor young lady hasnt been givin a fair chance to prove her case. the fact that she had to sign a difference statement is an outrage and seems to be a set up to me. I also want to say that the other family has alot of hate issues. And it sure seems like they would have something to gain from her sittin in jail. Im not too sure if i believe if she did it or not but i do believe that his family doesnt know either......... they were there as well (even if they say there were) I am in child development and i can tell from the get go that her family is very level headed and seems to have a somewhat stable family......his on the other hand is completely out of control. and not just from this accident there is deep seeded issues there. anyways, i pray for both the family and dr phil please help this young lady get a fare trial...... she deserves some justice. Let the courts decide...... not a lawyer
 
October 14, 2005, 2:35 am CDT

He's Just Not That Into You-Please Read

Quote From: rsfatboy

I have been looking thru some of the posts here, and i don't know how bad my reltionships are compared, but i am not comparing, jsut wondering... how do you know when you should get out, or rather in my case give up? I am in my 30s now and i was married fresh out of highschool, had a child (who is now in her teens). left her father within a year, due to his use of drugs. met a man, who seemed good (looks can be deceiving) long story short, he liked to drink & drugs, i knew about the drinking up front ( i was young enjoyed drinking) but the drugs were reveiled later.  well, 6 yrs later i found him in bed with another woman...uggh. it wasnt ok, but i have delt with it and moved on (part of me is still resentful, but it doesnt interfere with my now personal life).     

  

5 years ago i met a nice man, he treats me well, would do jsut about anything for me except get married.  My issue is that he likes to drink beer.  in his culture, it is normal to have beer at home at night after work..its not a big deal.  (i grew up, my step father did that i never used to think it was a big deal??) well, that seems to be a small part of our problem, but i am not sure if its personal or not.  he also has 2 children..so thats 3 all together. our children are our biggest problem, he thinks i am too strict, and i think he is too leinent. when i try to discipline it's a problem only when he is drinking though. and because he doesnt agree with me, his kids have no respect for me. they dont listen to me, they think they can do what they want. and that they will get away with it. i try telling him if he doesnt put his foot down, they are going to walk all over him when they are teenagers, only 3 yrs. away..  in the meantime, my teenager is ready for some wings, so i give her more freedom now becasue she is older and she deserves it, but he thinks i am wrong.  i know i am not.   

  

so this short version brings me to this:  he was married b4 too, and i swore up and down that i would not live with another man that wasnt going to marry me, for another 6 years..so, last year i didn't get any kind of commitment from him, and i was very upset.  so the day after my bday i went and put a promise ring on layaway and gave him the receipt. told him he had 6 mths to make up his mind or i was leaving...i got it a month later, he did surprise me.  but now we are going on our 6th year and all i ever wanted was to get married and have more kids.  and it doesnt seem like that is what he wants...and maybe i am wrong but seems like he has :i've been burnt b4 and i wont be this time"-syndrome. it has been 4 years since his divorce has been final and i feel as though he never trusts me!!!  i went on vacation, and he put me on a guilt trip for the entire 5 days i was gone, and when i returned..and he told me to go and have fun..guess who didnt have fun!? me!   

  

so, after all of that, did i mention we ahve a house together? it's in his name becasue my credit was too bad to put my name on it, but it was all my savings that got us the house (that is a long story in itself).  i have gotten over my insecurities about men and said what the heck...trust just one more...but its like he's not...how do i know when its time to throw in the towel? any ideas? or suggestions? and then there is the thought that i am jsut being selfish? i jsut dont know?  terribly confused...thanks. 

 
October 14, 2005, 3:23 am CDT

That's my life too

Quote From: lizabeth

Are you sitting there getting mad because he is playing the games?  What you doing with you life while he is playing.  Why wait for him to take you somewhere.  Pack up the kids and go to the park or what ever.  There are so many things that you can do that don't cost money.  My husband gets distracted with the computer.  A new program so forth.  All men like their toys.  Which is fine.  But it needs to be limited.  You have to teach the kids that the games are not everything.  If everyone is just sitting around watching dad.  What does that teach them.   I distract my husband.  Come up behind him and hug him, nibble on the neck, what ever it takes when he is engrossed in the computer.  If I just ask him to get off it does not work.  But you can not get as engrossed in getting upset about him as he is in the games.  He will either keep playing the games or join you.  Either way you are having fun and getting your mind off of his game playing.   

  

My husband and I are in a community band.  We go once a week just to keep our minds off of other things.  You don't have to play to be in a band and have it to consume you.  There are local bands and things that just meet every once in a while.  It is a wonderful way to have fun and not spend money.   

  

If he likes games go bowling with the family.  I don't know.  There is no answer.  It is all in what you want to do with life.   

  

See, even if you divorced him and left him.  What are  you going to do?  What would he be doing?  I bet he would be on-line and so forth even more.  Every time you go to do something.  Like take a walk in the mall.  Invite him..  While you have a chance to get out of the house, at least so is he....  Evey time I go some where I have to let him stop in the computer section.  I go look at other things.....  And he is happy.  Most of the time I make it clear he can look he just can't buy.....  And he is fine with that.  We have an agreement that if something is more than $40.  We ask the other person if it is alright to get it.  So once a month he does get something.  I think it has given him incentive to spend more time deciding what he wants and a few more trips out....  So it gets him out of the house....  I may have to rent a so called guy flick once a month.  (Sports, action pack, so forth) and sit and watch it with him in order to get his time.   

  

So why be alone.  Go to a friends house, go walk around the neighborhood.  I don't know? But it is all up to  you........   He is in control of you and the games.  While he is playing, he is keeping you in the house as well.  Go to the gym anything.   Just find something that you can enjoy as well.  Not just watching him play.............  You local parks and recreation usually offers classes in different things for just a few dollars.   It is sad that you know exactly how many hours he has spent on the game.  I don't know what he played in the band.  Maybe you could learn it and play with him.....  No one has the answer but you...  You just have to figure it out......   

  

Best of luck...... 

 It's really clear which people  giving suggestions here have dealt with this. My husband works between 40-50 hours a week, too, then spends the rest of it on the computer or watching ESPN or CSPAN That's it. he has no friends, he doesn't go anywhere, he  has even refused to go to the kids' concerts and school events because he was tired or didn't feel well (he never feels well).

Distracting him with kisses and chatting doesn't work,  and  neither does asking  straight out--even  when I'm especailly frustrated --for him to do something, whether it's the dishes , hel with paying bills. or watching a movie or going to the park.  It won't happen. Why raise my hopes?  (We've been married over 20 years--this is not new, although it's more extreme in the last 5 years or so)

I have friends, I go places and am involved. In fact, I've gotten involved in a couple things  just because it forces him to have time with our 9 year old--but guess what? I leave for the evening, then find he didn't feed her supper or watch the movie he promised  or even tuck her in bed. "Daddy was busy, so I took care of it," she's told me.  (Time with our 2 teenagers is too much to hope for--they don't know how to respond  on the rare occassions that he does talk to them, it's so unusual)

We NEVER argue; even if I get mad or frustrated, he doesn't answer. By and large, as long as I'm willing to be in charge of everything, there's no tension or crisis, either. From the outside, our house seems peaceful and accepting--everyone has their things they're into, live and let live, essentially. He's happy that I have friends and activities, he just isn't interested. in doing anything with me --or anyone else.

He's very overweight (500+ lbs) and refuses to deal with it in any way, and that passive-aggressiveness defines our life.  He's been in therapy several times, and the last counselor finally said that he enjoyed his sessions  with us because we're well-educated and interesting, but the sessions were useless since my husband never followed through on anything, not the simplist change or reflection or  assignment.  I was told that there was no point in me continuing , unless it was support for leaving him--which I wasn't willing to do then, but I'm about ready to.

There's nothing wrong that is explainable, really. How do I divorce someone who doesn't cheat, doesn't abuse, doesn't drink, claims to be in  love with me, he's just totally uninvolved with us. It sounds like I'm a dreamy romantic or a demanding princess to say "He doesn't pay attention to us!" --I told him to move out 6 months ago, saying I wanted him to get a life, take responsibility --he didn't respond. I repeated it, but nothing. He sat down at hte computer to play solitare for an hour. I'm the one changing the terms of our relationship--maybe I'm being selfish.  I do believe he's donig all that he can, for whatever reason...he's just not willing or able to  find out how to change.

Wow, I sound whiny!  I just know that all the cute little "plan a romantic evening" ideas really don't work with a cetain type of issue, and I'm starting to come to terms with how lonely and unsupported I really am. What I do with it....? He refuses to engage in a discussion about it, so everything must really be fine.  I don't see him changing without me changing the situation drastically,  so the question really is How far wil I go?
 
October 14, 2005, 3:48 am CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Quote From: rsfatboy

I have been looking thru some of the posts here, and i don't know how bad my reltionships are compared, but i am not comparing, jsut wondering... how do you know when you should get out, or rather in my case give up? I am in my 30s now and i was married fresh out of highschool, had a child (who is now in her teens). left her father within a year, due to his use of drugs. met a man, who seemed good (looks can be deceiving) long story short, he liked to drink & drugs, i knew about the drinking up front ( i was young enjoyed drinking) but the drugs were reveiled later.  well, 6 yrs later i found him in bed with another woman...uggh. it wasnt ok, but i have delt with it and moved on (part of me is still resentful, but it doesnt interfere with my now personal life).     

  

5 years ago i met a nice man, he treats me well, would do jsut about anything for me except get married.  My issue is that he likes to drink beer.  in his culture, it is normal to have beer at home at night after work..its not a big deal.  (i grew up, my step father did that i never used to think it was a big deal??) well, that seems to be a small part of our problem, but i am not sure if its personal or not.  he also has 2 children..so thats 3 all together. our children are our biggest problem, he thinks i am too strict, and i think he is too leinent. when i try to discipline it's a problem only when he is drinking though. and because he doesnt agree with me, his kids have no respect for me. they dont listen to me, they think they can do what they want. and that they will get away with it. i try telling him if he doesnt put his foot down, they are going to walk all over him when they are teenagers, only 3 yrs. away..  in the meantime, my teenager is ready for some wings, so i give her more freedom now becasue she is older and she deserves it, but he thinks i am wrong.  i know i am not.   

  

so this short version brings me to this:  he was married b4 too, and i swore up and down that i would not live with another man that wasnt going to marry me, for another 6 years..so, last year i didn't get any kind of commitment from him, and i was very upset.  so the day after my bday i went and put a promise ring on layaway and gave him the receipt. told him he had 6 mths to make up his mind or i was leaving...i got it a month later, he did surprise me.  but now we are going on our 6th year and all i ever wanted was to get married and have more kids.  and it doesnt seem like that is what he wants...and maybe i am wrong but seems like he has :i've been burnt b4 and i wont be this time"-syndrome. it has been 4 years since his divorce has been final and i feel as though he never trusts me!!!  i went on vacation, and he put me on a guilt trip for the entire 5 days i was gone, and when i returned..and he told me to go and have fun..guess who didnt have fun!? me!   

  

so, after all of that, did i mention we ahve a house together? it's in his name becasue my credit was too bad to put my name on it, but it was all my savings that got us the house (that is a long story in itself).  i have gotten over my insecurities about men and said what the heck...trust just one more...but its like he's not...how do i know when its time to throw in the towel? any ideas? or suggestions? and then there is the thought that i am jsut being selfish? i jsut dont know?  terribly confused...thanks. 

I don't know about everything else.... but about the ring subject.  That story is going to come back up in fights to haunt you in 10 years.  I woudn't  buy my own ring.  I'd rather wear a cheap ring from Walmart that I thought was pretty then an engagement ring I bought for myself. 
 
October 14, 2005, 4:05 am CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Run, Rachel, Run!  You can do better than that!  He doesn't deserve you.
 
October 14, 2005, 5:03 am CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Quote From: missjane2

It depends what kind of feelings she has toward him.  If there is no kids, there is no reason.  If she can't stand him then whatever.  If she is flirty and playful with him then no no.  Do you ever read the emails? 
Why is it that your wife told you to cut ties with your x and you did but she won't cut the ties with hers, is she controlling you.  If your marriage is as happy as you say then you wouldn't even concider ending it over email if you truly trust your wife.  She has to show a little more respect to you.  Get a back bone.
 
October 14, 2005, 5:34 am CDT

10/14 ‘Kick ‘em to the Curb!’

Quote From: trappr

Hi Ladies, 

  

I have been reading everyone's stories on here about being in a marriage where there men either cut themselves off from the family with video games, or men who cheat on their wives, or husbands who are abusive physical or emotionally.  You all wondering why you stay?  I think for some women think if they stay for the children the kids won't place blame on either parent for their break-up. 

  

I am a product of a child who lived in a marriage where my father was an abusive, physically and mentally and emotionally to my mom, brother and myself.  My father was an alcoholic to start with their marriage.  WIthin the first year of marriage my father was have affairs with other women because my mother wasn't giving what he was looking for.  She was controlled to the point she couldn't do anything without his permission.  If she did something without his permission she got her ass beat to hell, and made both my brother and I watch the abuse.  I remember times I was screaming and telling him to stop hitting my mother.  I even stood infront of my mother to stop my father from hitting her and I would get hit instead and would take many blows for both my mom and my brother.   

  

My brother would get his ass beat up for losing a hockey game, cause he was the goalie and he didn't play the way my father wanted him to play.  It would frustrate my brother and came to the point he didn't want to play, but my father went and registrar him every year in hockey.  I was not allowed to play sports, i was too fat to be in sports and I was going to be a worthless mother and parent when I grew up.  I am the oldest and I went through alot of the pain growing up in this kind of marriage. 

  

I could tell you tons of stories, but I am sure you get the picture just reading this information.  I want to tell women in any kind of marriage where you are not getting the response you need from your husband, please leave him. He needs to get help for himself.  You can't help someone who can't help themselves.  Things will be tough when you leave, but your children will grow up to be more positive and good people as adults from it.   

  

Because of the life I have lived as a child, I am just starting in therapy because my realtionships with men have either been abusive, or i have been the one abusing them, or if the right guy comes along and wants to support me, i push him out of my life cause i was told I wasn't worth a good life.  I begged my mother many times to leave daddy, and go somewhere safe so we can be happy together.  To this day, she is still married to him, and he controls her every move.  He doesn't drink anymore, but he is still abusive and controlling and she is afraid to be alone so she won't leave him. 

  

If anything from my story, you see that your children will be more screwed up than anything.  I am 28 years old and I am just starting to fix up my life so I can have a loving relationship in my life.  I just wish there was a way I can help my mom, but I can't.  I hope this story inspires someone to leave their husband for good.  Thank you for your time. 

I could never believe someone would stay in this type of relationship, that is until I was in one, now I have left him, and I want him back.  I am trying so hard to stay strong, and stay away from him, I spend every night crying, I will be at work and the tears just flow, I left about 5 months ago and it is still bad if not worse for me.   

I will print your stories and keep reading them to remind me of the things that have happend to me and others, keep your fingers crossed for me, I will stay positive and try as hard as I can to not go back.  Thank you for your kind words, I wish the best for your mother, she is the reason I will try so hard not to go back, I don't want to live like that again, I feel her pain just reading your story.  I also hope the best for you.  Thanks for taking the time to share.  Take care of yourself. 

 
October 14, 2005, 6:15 am CDT

Are you serious???

Quote From: freelivin

I believe men many men need family type training, how toos and the how not toos and if women were so smart they would check out this stuff before kids. 

  

First of all, Men don't really show who they truly are until after marriage. My husband was the sweetest thing until we got married. Now??? Where is he? He goes to work, comes to the couch watches TV takes a shower and then goes to bed. In this time I am cleaning, bathing kids and doing everything else. Now do you really think that I would of married him if I had known this? It's not as though I don't talk to him about it, but... What's the point when it seems there is a gap between his ears of NOTHING. Now you can say whatever you want about Well, women change too, but I assure you I am the same (*****) Now that I was when he met me. He will tell everyone I have not changed one bit. I was married before and I made it a point to be VERY UPFRONT about who I am, what I expected and how I was. We didn't want any surprises this time, WELL Let me tell ya, I am surprised at how lazy men can get after taking some vows. It's really pathetic. I am not saying all men are like this, I don't know, I don't know all men though. I just know my husbands have shown in the past a pattern and it's very sad. 

  

Kay 

 
October 14, 2005, 6:57 am CDT

Commitment

I ended a relationship with a fiancee that I had been with for three years solely because he couldn't commit.  He bought the ring, but just could absolutley not bring himself to set a date to get married.  Marriage was important enough to me to move on.  I honestly think you know if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone within a year of dating them.  My thought was if I am good enough to be a girlfirend I am good enough to be a wife.  I ended the relationship and a year later I met the man I would later marry.  The big difference in these two men were man #1 had no reason whatsoever to fear commitment, my husband comes from a broken home and had endured a nasty divorce of his own  but he loved me enough to marry me.  We have been married for 15 months and are expecting our first child together.  If you have dated your boyfriend for three plus years chances are very very slim that you are going to get married to this person. 

  

 
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