Topic : 10/14 "Kick 'em to the Curb!"

 I was wondering how I could help a friend move on with relationships. She was dating a boy for 2 years and  was enaged for a year. He was abrusive and very controling. She her self had said that he would tell her what to wear, when to be home, etc. She started dating him in senior year in high school. And when she got pregnant and had a miscarriage she said that *Alan was happy about it and said that he would punch her in the stomach if she got pregnant again. Now I know most of this is hearsay but I witness a few times when he got phyical and I lost contact with her for the 3 years she was with him. Now my problem is that she is thinking about getting back together with him because he was her first love and when she went to pick up stuff from  he said he never meant for it to end this way. Also she is 20 and says she is ready to find her "true love" and settle down and start a family, but she won't give it time to find that right person. Does anyone know how to tell a friend she is better off without him without hurting her feelings.

Hello everyone.  I want to put in my two cents in on the issue.  I, at first, was happy to be married but I was also lucky to get out of it after 3 months.  When my estranged husband was abusive to me on the 3 month, he threw me against a wall in the kitchen, and wanted me out of the apartment that HE claims that his good credit was the only way to get it....even though both our names was on the lease.  The only injury that I suffered was a scar across my backside near my kidney area.  How I got the scar?  In the scuffle in the living room, he pushed me against a wooden chair that fell apart when I landed on it.  I could have had him arrested for that, but my best bet was to get away from him once and for all.  Unfortunately, we are still married, but have been separated for over 12 years now.  Either one of two things will happen:  1) I will be a happy divorcee or 2) a happy widow.  Number 2 is sounding real good to me....LOL.  My phrase that pays:  God don't like ugly!  And while I'm relaxing in my new home, or cruising in my new car, or enjoying myself with my co-workers at my government job, hubby is gonna get his when God takes care of him.  LOL 

  

On another note, while being separated, I am not gonna sit at home while waiting for the divorce papers or death certificate to come through.  I am gonna enjoy myself (in and out of dating scene), and just because I am happily separated doesn't mean to make my home into a prison. 

  

So in my point of view do what is right.....kick bubba to the curb and bring home Fabio!  LOL  

  

Andrea A. (Memphis, TN) 

Holly mackeral, there are enough problems here to fill a book. First thing I would suggest is to identify and separate problems. If you cant do that then the answeres and questions will only serve to add to the confusion. 

  

I am puzzled by the idea that having opened your heart to another "how can I make myself smaller again?" You seem confused, how can you become smaller for having loved? It is not your fault if the object of your affection proved to be incomplete or 'small'. Practice, after all does make perfect. With each experience, however painful or pleasant YOU LEARN. 

  

You ask if it is "realistic to expect a man with baggage...family, wife, and kids....to abandon all". Uh yeah! Considering his TRACK RECORD, if he could leave them for you, what's to stop him from leaving you for someone else when the novelty has worn off? If he could take some of the most important responsibilities in life so casually, you have to ask yourself, and I suspect you havent, if that is the type of person you want closeness with? 

  

I think you really need to ask yourself what the heck you are looking for in such a man, cause either way it is damned if you do damned if you dont. As flattering as such a relationship can be ["wow he'd leave them for me, he must be really enamored with me"] it is not the thing(s) a successful relationship is built from. 

  

As for your first question "When to end..?" I suggest knowing from the heart what you will tolerate and not tolerate in a formative relationship. Establish standards beforehand. Otherwise it becomes nothing more than that childish routine of "I dare you to cross this line, okay, now I dare you to cross THIS line, okay now I REALLY dare you to cross this (third ad infinitum) line. 

  

mm 

look ladies, i know a lot of you are torn about what to do about your various situations. take it from me, an adult child with parents that fought constantly and the father that's still emotionally abusive to the mother, think about your children. think about yourself. get out if you need to.

when i was a child, the parents split but didn't divorce when i was seven, my sister was five and my brother was 10 months old. the parents fought a lot. some of my first memories are of  the parents fighting. the father had a rough childhood with his step-father and  wasn't prepared to be a father or a husband. personally,  i think, the father never should have married.

when the father found out the mother was pregnant with my brother, he wanted her to get an abortion. she refused.the father cheated on the mother constantly, i remember as a child answering the phone and his women would be on the other end.

once, when we were napping, the father came in and held a gun to the mother's head and threatened to kill her. my sister, my brother and i were in the bed. my sister and i were pretending to be asleep, but my sister saw the whole thing. she was five years old.

even though the parents were separated, the father would still come down on the weekends to see us. and it was always chaos. yelling, screaming, cursing.

when i was 19, i'm 31 now, the parents decided to get back together. i was off at college and living on my own and my sister was about to leave for college,  but my little brother was still was at home.

things did not get better. he told the mother he had changed, but he hadn't. unfortunately,  they are still together. the mother apparently gets some sort of payoff being with him and i've decided that its not my responsibility to make sure things go smoothly with them.

as for me, i'm in therapy dealing with these issues with the parents and others from the past. i have a horrible outlook on male/female relationships. i think that love is for suckers. men say they love you, but its a bunch of lies. i've seen it happen again and again and again with my friends. i mean look at the divorce rate in this country. look at the amount of cheating that goes on.

my sister thinks relationship are too much trouble and vows to never marry. i'm not sure about my brother but he's trying to build a career and is putting in long hours to do so.

take it from me, you don't want your children having the issues that me and my siblings have. if you're torn, talk to someone. get advice, get counceling. think about yourself. think about your children. and get out if you need to.

andrea I have to ask whether or not it is a typo that you've been separated for 12 years without getting a divorce? If that is correct I have to ask what are you protecting?  

mm 

Where i do begin.  I've been in a relationship for almost five years and i am not sure wheather to walk away or stay.  I have been treated for depression this year and with that came dealing with a few things in my past amoung others, my shildhood molestation, my parents divorce.  My guy has een great and while i was in the clinic he told me that he will not touch me until i say that i am ready.  Well i am ready and now he's never at home.  I don't know where he goes or what he does.  He never answers his mobile phone, comes home the next morning with no excplanation.  This has left me very broken hearted.  I don't know what's going on in my own relationship.  He never talks to me about anything.  I have started abusing over the counter medication, just so that i don't have to feel anythng.  I also hate weekends because to me that resembles loneliness.  I have so much more to say. I just wish i knew what the right thing was to do.

I agree that domestic abuse where the abuser is a woman is often "glossed over" too much in general.  My interpertation of the situation was that since the children were not better off removed and the outbursts, however extreme and dangerous they were, seemed to be specific to that situation, that DR Phil was trying to provide encouragement so that she'd continue on the correct path and not become discouraged by more criticsm, making her less likely to stay away for old habits.  Its just kind of a messed up situation.  Its hard to find one cure all solution.  Did anyone hear if she's being checked up on periodically  by the state at all?

  

  

  I honestly don't know what to do.  My husband and I have been married for almost seven years and I have put up with a lot from him.  We lost custody of our only child (his third, my first) to my parents a couple of years ago.  He can't hold a job.  I suffer from depression and obsessive compulsive disorder.  He has been physical towards me a few times.  I'm twenty-seven years old and he's thirty-seven.  I don't want to stay in this marrriage but I'm terrified of what he might do if I leave.  He hates my parents for taking our son and I worry that if I leave he'll take it out on them. 

  

  There's a lot going on that I don't want to get into but I don't want to leave him while I'm jobless and penniless.  I have no car, no driver's license, and no job.  Part of my problem is that I think I've used my depression as a crutch for not working.  I get angry with myself for it and hate myself when I do.  My husband, of course, is no help.  He claims he's getting burnt out on work and when he's awake he's online playing a game.  The only time I can get his attention is when HE wants something.  I'm tired.  I'm fed up and I need help.  I don't want to end my marriage but I don't want to stay either.  He's not the type who will consider counceling and we can't afford it anyway.  I feel like I'm the only one puttin any effort into this marriage anymore and I sometimes wonder why I married him in the first place.  To be honest, I left him three times since we met and got together.  What should I do? 

  

 I wasn't able to watch the show, but I am so glad to see that Sheila is starting to get her life back together.  I have been separated from my alcoholic husband when things were real bad, and I know that it is possible to start feeling better about yourself and give your children a better life.  I hope and pray that she gets her job back or another one, and that she continues to take care of herself.  And I really wish she would get into Al-Anon.

 Finally, someone that really knows what they are talking about as far as alcoholism and codependence.  I am also a nurse, in a co-dependent relationship with my alcoholic husband.  Al-Anon has saved my life, thanks so much for mentioning it.  It is true, unless you have lived with an alcoholic, you have no idea what it does to you.  I think Sheila and her children need to continue counselling and continue to work on themselves, and hopefully they can get their lives back.