Topic : 06/20 "You Ruined My Reputation"

July of 2003 in our newspaper, indictments for the quarter year were listed as usual. I read this and saw a husband and wife were arrested for drugs. The wife had the same first name as me, as well as our last name, which is spelled "Nabors". There are no other "Nabors" listed in our phone book. We live in a small town. I laughed and called my husband asking if he thought I should make an announcement in Sunday school that it wasn't me. He laughed also. Well, one year later when my son had asked one of his best friends over for the 10th time, and his mother said "No he, or we, have somewhere we have to go, something to do, etc." I called and questioned her about what was wrong. She said, "Well, you know, that was in the paper." Since I had seen it, I knew to what she was referring. I said, "I know you aren't talking about that D. Nabors being arrested for drugs!" She replied, "Yes." I LAUGHED! and said "My goodness Marla, it wasn't me!" To which she replied, "Well, it was in the paper." I then began to cry. She said she didn't know what to believe so they just stayed away. How cruel. I have talked to other friends about it since. Of course they say, no one that is your friend would believe that was you. But I don't want my worst enemy to think I do drugs, much less keep their children away from mine because of it. It has been heartbreaking. I thought she was my friend and my son basically lost his. Now I worry everytime someone acts a little off  to me, I think, 'Do they believe that was me? Did they read it in the paper and wonder if I was arrested? This woman is a teacher at my son's school. She actually told other teachers about it, and one of them told the principal. I know this because I called him to make sure he heard from me that I was not arrested. Don't know who this person is with the same name as me, but apparently she was. 

I would like to know why a 29 yr old guy would tell a girl he loves her, makes her believe they are to get married, treats her like gold, they move in together, then have sex and then tells his friends she is a slut after they have sex (even though it didn't happen until they knew each other for a while - it wasn't the first date or anything) and that he is trying to get rid of her and she thinks they are going to get married and that she is ugly even though he told her she's beautiful ????  

This happened to a friend of mine. We all thought he was a great guy - until she overheard him talking about her like that. He even told his family this and now the sister in law is calling her a slut and won't even let her husband be alone with her in the same room.  

My friend is not a slut. She was in a 4-1/2 yr relationship before this guy and that's it. She even told him she takes sex seriously. Why would he go around saying stuff like that about her? 

Anyhow, he did start treating her badly after they had sex. Why? 

I am interested in the part where you mentioned legal recourse. 

I started a job once and a co-worker was going around saying I was stupid and no one likes her and lets fire her. She never even met me. She felt threatened because the comapny was downsizing and  she thought they were trying to replace her with someone who would except less money to do the same job. She ended up being my coach ( like a supervisor but only responsible for your review.) She gave me a lousy review and tried to get me fired. I requested to speak to a manager about the situation. He refused to believe me because "several people" complained. Well, the "several people" that complained were all in her group of friends who also felt threatened. I did above and beyond what my job title was. I was blamed for mistakes I didn't even make! In fact, I found mistakes others were making! I ended up getting fired. I filed for unemployment. The unemployment office even said there was no proof of poor performance because there was no poor performance. They said stupid things in my review like - I didn't take notes. Sometimes I didn't but this had no bearing on my job performance. I have an excellent memory and don't have to write every little thing down.  

I was young at the time and didn't know how to handle this. I got fired because of a group of girls that were outto get me and spread rumors that I was stupid. 

What could I have done in this situation? Could I sue for slander? Can I still? Or should I let forget about it? 

When I was 14 years old (in the 9th grade), I developed my "first true love" & I started having sex.  He was the younger brother of a girl who had just moved to town that year & who, for some reason, I took to very well.  the first time I had ever gone to her house for a sleepover, she happened to be in her bedroom with her boyfriend at the time so her brother & I were out in the livingroom talking (& flirting) I guess.  Eventually we ended up in his bedroom & started having sex (which I had never even pretended to THINK about doing prior to that time) & would you believe his dad came home!!! 

To cut to the chase, every weekend was spent at their house.  Girl talk until in her room until she'd fall asleep & then as soon as the house fell silent I'd sneak into his bedroom for the night.  We'd just set an alarm so I'd be sure to sneak back into his sister's room before their dad got up in the morning.  Naturally, everyone in school eventually found out "heaven's forbid" that I was having sex so I was labeled a slut.  I didn't care at the time because I thought I loved this guy & it was only him so how was I a slut??? 

Later on we went our separate ways & I was devastated.  I was still best friends with his sister & still trying to cling to what we had by staying at his their house but it got to the point where he'd stay at his cousin's house whenever I was at his house.  It took a long time to get over it.  In fact, I didn't bother with anyone else for 2 years afterward.  Yet...  I was still somehow a slut. 

My junior year of high school was pure hell because I got mixed up with a guy who made me feel like he liked me & he flirted with me a lot at the restaurant we both worked at so eventually I ended up sleeping with him, thinking there was something more there.  Damn right there was!!!  He had a bet going with one of the other dishwashers AND he bragged about me to all his friends & the next thing ya know they're all passing me back & fourth!!!  They'd force me & play with my vulnerability.  They swore to secracy as long as I continued to "fulfill MY end of the bargain".  It made me sick & literally drove me over the edge.  I ended up nearly quitting school, I was depressed & was forced to seek professional help.  My mom thought it would be a good idea to send me away that summer to try to recover from it all (although she still had no idea what had really gone on).  I was never meant to do my senior year in my hometown but I decided I wanted to.  Bad idea.  The same guys gave me dirty looks & smirked at me all the time, taunting me in the hallways.  Whispering about me.  A couple of them even got their girlfriends to confront me.  By then everyone knew.  It was no secret.  I tried to keep my head up to a degree because, after all, I had made the choice to carry on that way.  I'm not sure if I did it to rebel against the first love or if it was to re-establish my selfworth with guys.  I'm still not sure what was going through my mind at the time.  All I know is I went numb, did my thing, let them do theirs... 

I look back now (10 years later) & I laugh at that term.  I never call anyone a slut because I know that eventually I had earned that name.  I know a lot of girls do earn it too.  However, sleeping with a guy one time doesn't make you into one.  These young people need to know the meaning of the word, if there ven is such a thing, before they go using it loosely.  My thinking was "Heck, I scored the name so I might as well play the game".  They ruined my rep, they beat down my self esteem so what did I have to lose???  Little did I know...  I had a lot to lose & I'm still recovering.  I can't blame anyone but myself for the choices I made but I can tell you people that name calling & spreading rumors can drive people over the edge in more ways than just the "sticks & stones may break my bones" way.  Keep that in mind. 

ok well here is my thought about the whole thing and what ican suggest to do comming from experience. when i was in high school i never ever showed a side of me that would come out as being " slutty" or a "whore" but i had heard that i was being labled as a "slut" and would sleep with any guy. of course i knew the truth about myself. so the first thingg i did was get to the bottom of this. i went and dug deep into finding out who did this. it took a few days, but i got to the person who started it all, a girl who i used to be friends with was so jealous of me, she hated to see me happy, so that is why she was saying that stuff, even though i asked her to stop she never did. but thanks to my personality and my level of maturaty, ignored them and people saw that i didnt care what she said, and that i knew the truth so that was all that mattered. so no one believed her. so in the end she ended up losing friends.  

     overall hannah is being called all these names for many diferent reasons, 1- either someone is extremely jealous of her, or she has shown signs of being a slut or a whore. what i think she needs to do is try and pull herself together and try and ignore. if she knows the truth about herself, why does it matter what people think about her. she should just care how she feels.  

In high school I dealt with alot of pressure from home and from my friends.  I was the subject of alot of rumors and it was devastating.  I thought I needed the acceptance from my peers.  I got a job at 14 years old so that I could where the cool clothes.  I went to the same school from kindergarten and girls that were once my friends became to popular to hang out with me.  I spent so many years trying to get acceptance that the pressure became to overwhelming that I attempted suicide and dropped out.  Kids don't realize that the damage they cause.  I was not only facing them at school but I suffered verbal abuse at home as well.  No place was safe for me. I thank God for my best friend because no matter what she stood up for me and she was very popular.  We are still best friends.   That was 10 years ago and I still have internal anxiety.  I worry every where I go that everyone is judging me and/or talking about me.  Some days it gets so bad; I can't leave the house.  I hate to hear stories like this because these situation can damage kids for a life time.   

Jr. High and High school were like hell for me too. Things got slightly better my junior and senior year (probably because people started to realize that this crap wasn't going to last forever). Also I had pretty much labeled myself as an outsider and I had stopped trying to fit in. It made me more or less immune to their crap by distancing myself from them. 

I was labeled a lesbian (even though I wasn't) and poor??? (even though my family is upper middle class, I just didnt want to wear a different outfit like a ninny everyday.) I was also labeled as pregnant. I went to an all girl school but the guys that we dated from the other schools also spread rumors. There was this one fellow that I went on a date with, and I didnt even kiss him, but he told everyone that we had sex and what we supposedly did.  

It was particularly bad for me because I went to an all girl private school and all the teachers and parents assumed that these girls were angels. 

I am 20 years old now and college is so much better. I did have some self esteem issues for awhile after high school but through therapy and Lexapro I am recovering from that. 

I think kids need more schoolwork, chores, work, and extracurricular activities to do so that they won't have the time to just talk about other people. (And what sort of life does someone have if all they do is gossip about others?) I also think that more strict disciplinary action should be taken.