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Topic : 03/24 Moms Money Conflicts

Number of Replies: 296
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Created on : Friday, October 14, 2005, 04:01:34 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 10/21/05) Money is often cited as the number one reason couples divorce. Dr. Phil talks with moms who say their need for cash is causing major problems. First, Andy and Lynn are newlyweds whose marriage is already falling apart. Lynn says she has to pay for expenses that her waitress salary can't possibly cover, and she has to beg her husband if she needs money. Andy says his wife relies on him for everything and he doesn't think she should get a free ride. Can their marriage withstand the pressure? Then, Alice has invented a product that she thinks will make her millions. But after putting in over $160,000 and turning their house into a factory, her husband has had enough. Does Alice have a great invention or should she just give up? Plus, two moms have a dream of opening up their own boutique, but their husbands say they both need a reality check. Join the discussion.


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October 16, 2005, 4:20 pm CDT

Stop before it gets that far

Quote From: sfg1257

My children are now grown and gone and even though I helped my husband get his business started and do some of the paperwork for him, he is putting me down for not doing enough since I don't have kids to take care of any more.  

I actually do work a commission job but for some reason, it's been extremely slow to the point I'm thinking I should change careers but the only jobs I can find without a degree are very low paying ones since I am starting "at the bottom."  

My husband is CONSTANTLY complaining about how hard he works and controls every thing he can with that he "earned the money" attitude and words.  

I'm almost 50 and I must "ask" his permission in order to even have people over to fish because he "made" the pond and paid for the fish... etc. If I drive "his" sportscar that he's paying for, I must tell him where I took it and make sure there aren't many miles on it - not to mention not drive it in the rain.  

Anyway, what is a "retired" mother worth anymore? Am I expected to pick up his dirty laundry no matter where he puts it becuase he doesn't want to put it in the laundry room and I'm not "working" like he said? Should I have to do "more" around the house  (which, to him seems to be cater to his wants and whims or do what he doesn't want to do when he gets home from "working like a dog" to pay "the bills around here" because I'm not making money?  

He's now saying that he "worked" and "raised the kids" etc and didn't just "quit" working like I did. (I didn't quit but I can't seem to get back to where I was -- I left this career to go to school full time but after two years, I failed a practicum and was out of the program. He knew I had a good gpa(3.4) and worked while going to school too but didn't understand why I didn't "try" harder and didn't understand why it upset me so hard to fail something I tried so hard to get through - so the fact that I now have school bills to pay has fueled his fire about having to pay for me.  

Again, what is a "retired" mom to do? I can understand justifying a stay at home mom when the kids are young but when they're gone, should I be expected to have a full time career AND do all the house stuff I did to make up for how hard he's worked?  

I find myself very depressed and have very low self esteem after the school failure and his expectations that never seem to be fulfilled.  

What makes it worse, is that he really doesn't budget well and is very impulsive in his purchases which have caused us considerable debt. He won't admit he isn't handling things well - just blames me for not working. 

Our stories are very similar, except my kids are still home.  They are early school age.  He works 80+ hours a week, while I take care of the kids, house and go to his business every day to help, do paperwork, etc.  I put in 15-20 a week there.  He is constantly complaining and criticizing how little I do, how I don't appreciate him, I could go on and on.  I have my name on the house, but other than that his name is on everything else.  I do not have access to a bank account.  I have my own bank account, but I don't make money so it pretty much just sits there unused.  I have a credit card for gas, groceries, etc., but he constantly threatens to take them away or cancel them.  He says I don't work, but I do.  He says I lay around all day, and boasts about eveything he does, how hard he works.  I suffer from low self-esteem, I have lost myself, my identity.  I am afraid to do anything when he is home.  If I am not being 'productive' I hear it! 

  

I thank you for writing in.  Hearing other people's stories helps!  I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow, to see legally where I stand, and if he every pulls the rug from under my feet I will be prepared.  I also applied for a job and have an interview on Wednesday.  I am going to prepare myself for the worst and not be a sitting duck anymore! 

  

  

 
October 16, 2005, 7:07 pm CDT

moms and money conflicts

Quote From: carole4jes

I think that she should kick him to the curb yesterday! He expects her to pay bills that she can't afford to pay. Then when her money is all gone he withholds money from her? Just the fact that she has to beg him for money shows me he has no respect for her or any woman for that matter. If he really loved her it wouldn't matter if she had a job or not. He would leave it up to her. He is only using her for an extra paycheck to make HIS life better. She doesn't need him. She needs her self-respect back. It would be better if she were alone with her self-respect intact than to be with him miserable and without self-esteen and self-respect. Get rid of that loser ASAP! He doesn't love you. He loves himself! Leave him and let him be with himself! Someday you will realize that you made the right decision in leaving him. You might even meet someone down the road when you are ready. You must have self-respect in order to find the right man who will respect you and love you for who you are. It won't be important to him to rely on your money. He will have enough love for you and have enough self-respect to treat you in a way where you deserve to be treated. Good luck in getting rid of that jerk. 

  

                                                 Carole 

  when two people get together. either married or living together. they should split the bill's and the money down the middle. it's not just one person paying for everything. you want to be together because you love each other, care. think what you want before you get in to something. make sure that's what you.
 
October 16, 2005, 8:17 pm CDT

Men and Money

Wow Ladies 

  

I think its awful how men complain about giving money.   They are treating people as if they are children and not wives.  Sorry if I offend anybody. You shouldn't have to ask for money, it should be given to you on a regular basis.  You all should be able to go out and enjoy yourselves.  I've seen my friends fight with their husbands over money.  I have to say my husband and i never fight about money. 

My husband and I have separate checking accts.  He pays the bigger bills and I pay the smaller ones(therapy bill is mine and its huge).  I have a son who is handicapped and requires 3 therapies.  I do work full time.  For about 2 years I was taking a 7 1/2 hr pay cut per check.  I had to take off work for therapies, MRI's, lots of testing and getting him on the bus, .  His school also did late start where he wouldn't go in till 10 2x out of every month.  My husband never takes part in any of this.  I was really struggling to get the bills paid and never being able to go out with friends.  I often wondered about getting a part time job.  everytime I ask for money he says didn't i just give you money.  Luckily my friends are broke also so we all get together every friday and have girls night.  What stinks is my husband is into kayaking right now so hes constantly buying kayaking stuff and fishing stuff and here i am with no money. 

For all of you who get complaints about the housework.  I myself would not tolerate that.  When my husband complains, I take his clothes and leave them in a laundry basket and don't wash them.  I don't tell him I did that.  He also doesn't get dinner for a week.  I do all the cleaning and cooking.  I am constantly picking up after him.  he has no right to complain about anything thats done for him.  When I try to talk to him about it, he says I bit__ just like his mother. 

  

If anyone has some good advice on how to get rid of credit card debt, I'd like to know.  thats part of the reason I have a hard time budgeting my money. 

 
October 16, 2005, 8:28 pm CDT

Self Respect

Quote From: carole4jes

I think that she should kick him to the curb yesterday! He expects her to pay bills that she can't afford to pay. Then when her money is all gone he withholds money from her? Just the fact that she has to beg him for money shows me he has no respect for her or any woman for that matter. If he really loved her it wouldn't matter if she had a job or not. He would leave it up to her. He is only using her for an extra paycheck to make HIS life better. She doesn't need him. She needs her self-respect back. It would be better if she were alone with her self-respect intact than to be with him miserable and without self-esteen and self-respect. Get rid of that loser ASAP! He doesn't love you. He loves himself! Leave him and let him be with himself! Someday you will realize that you made the right decision in leaving him. You might even meet someone down the road when you are ready. You must have self-respect in order to find the right man who will respect you and love you for who you are. It won't be important to him to rely on your money. He will have enough love for you and have enough self-respect to treat you in a way where you deserve to be treated. Good luck in getting rid of that jerk. 

  

                                                 Carole 

This man seems like nothing more than a controller and an abuser.  I have a family member who is going through the same thing in her life...she is afraid to leave her husband as he has threatened her over and over during their years of marriage (which is really no marriage) and she is afraid of him.  She took him back after kicking him to the curb six months later...and is regretting each day.  But she does not have any self respect left and no self esteem.  He has taken it all away.  The best thing for a woman in this situation is definately "kick him to the curb" and never look back.  She will be happier in the long run...its difficult but well worth to get her self esteem back once again.  And leave him in the dust!
 
October 16, 2005, 8:39 pm CDT

Re: same situation

It's sad that so many women today are in the same situation. This woman doesn't need this aggravation because if nothing's done, it will only get worse. I too am a woman whose husand, "demands" to rule all monies, including everything I make. But, since I'm disabled and can't make much, it's been harder, because I hear," well, if you were making a decent salary, we wouldn't be struggling so hard". I work very hard, despite my disabilities, in keeping a clean house, doing yardwork, laundry, child raising (grown now), but still a mother, and my job will NEVER end, and I will never get to retire. 

I am also going to see a lawyer to see where I stand legally, because I only make about 6,000 a year, and he makes a very good salary. But, he STILL makes me hand over every check. I think it's because he doesn't want me to be financially independent. Why do so many men behave this way today? Also, why are we as women still seen as being SUBJECT to them in every way? I've been married now 23 years, but because of other issues as well, I am too tired to keep on trying to make this thing work. 

I'm glad for the Dr. Phil show, because he gets in peoples faces and tells them the issues straight on. He never beats around the bush. Keep Up The Good Work, Dr. Phil 

Dede7007 

 
October 16, 2005, 10:05 pm CDT

Mom's are worth the world!

Quote From: sfg1257

My children are now grown and gone and even though I helped my husband get his business started and do some of the paperwork for him, he is putting me down for not doing enough since I don't have kids to take care of any more.  

I actually do work a commission job but for some reason, it's been extremely slow to the point I'm thinking I should change careers but the only jobs I can find without a degree are very low paying ones since I am starting "at the bottom."  

My husband is CONSTANTLY complaining about how hard he works and controls every thing he can with that he "earned the money" attitude and words.  

I'm almost 50 and I must "ask" his permission in order to even have people over to fish because he "made" the pond and paid for the fish... etc. If I drive "his" sportscar that he's paying for, I must tell him where I took it and make sure there aren't many miles on it - not to mention not drive it in the rain.  

Anyway, what is a "retired" mother worth anymore? Am I expected to pick up his dirty laundry no matter where he puts it becuase he doesn't want to put it in the laundry room and I'm not "working" like he said? Should I have to do "more" around the house  (which, to him seems to be cater to his wants and whims or do what he doesn't want to do when he gets home from "working like a dog" to pay "the bills around here" because I'm not making money?  

He's now saying that he "worked" and "raised the kids" etc and didn't just "quit" working like I did. (I didn't quit but I can't seem to get back to where I was -- I left this career to go to school full time but after two years, I failed a practicum and was out of the program. He knew I had a good gpa(3.4) and worked while going to school too but didn't understand why I didn't "try" harder and didn't understand why it upset me so hard to fail something I tried so hard to get through - so the fact that I now have school bills to pay has fueled his fire about having to pay for me.  

Again, what is a "retired" mom to do? I can understand justifying a stay at home mom when the kids are young but when they're gone, should I be expected to have a full time career AND do all the house stuff I did to make up for how hard he's worked?  

I find myself very depressed and have very low self esteem after the school failure and his expectations that never seem to be fulfilled.  

What makes it worse, is that he really doesn't budget well and is very impulsive in his purchases which have caused us considerable debt. He won't admit he isn't handling things well - just blames me for not working. 

The way I see it, "mom" doesn't get an off day. Her work is never finished and there is always more you have to do. Just when you think you get everything done, something else falls in your lap. I have been married almost two years and I have a 9 month old so I am just starting to get a taste of what being a mom is all about, and from looking at what all my mom did, it only gets harder. So how much is a "retired" mother worth? I don't think there will ever be enough money in the world to pay a "mom" back for everything she has done not only for her children but for her husband. So I say you should tell your husband to add up all the years you have worked non stop to take care of the kids and him and the house and tell him that now you are going to go back and take your off days and vacation time. He owes you that much. Tell him to add up all those times he didn't have to work and got to enjoy sitting on the couch while you were still doing things for him, your kids, or the house. YOU ARE THE MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN not to mention HIS WIFE, the woman he is suppose to love and cherish for the rest of his life. Don't take any crap from him, he should be putting you on a pedestal for all you have done. I don't know if you watched the Dr. Phil show the day he added up the pay for a stay at home mom but it was around $85,000 a year so tell your husband he should step up to the plate and stop acting like child or he can pay you $85,000 for the last 18 years. But honey, you deserve a break. You haven't failed at anything. You raised wonderful kids and showed them how to live a good life. That is an accomplishment you should be very proud of.
 
October 17, 2005, 12:24 am CDT

Single is better...

In every example you show, a man is involved.

My solution is to get the man out of the financial picture.

I have never been more financially secure than when single.

Men: get over yourselves.

Wives: do your research, get a job, take a risk!
 
October 17, 2005, 3:52 am CDT

Yours, Mine and Ours

After reading the little description of the upcoming show I had to post. 

  

I am appalled at how people put money before their relationships. There should be no contest. If something is needed, then the resourses should be pulled together to make sure the needs are met, financially or emotionally. 

  

My partner and I have been living together now for 8 years. When I was not working he was supporting me, but when I worked we had an agreement about the money. He paid for all the basic living expenses, and my pay was for food and fun. He earns way more than I do, and recently he purchased our home, so we are in the midst of remodeling. Even though we had the agreement, we have decided to just pull our financial resources together to make sure that we can survive and live to a standard to which we have become accustomed.  

  

If he wants something, and he does not have the resources to purchase it, we decide if it is absolutely needed. If I have it available and he really wants it, then I make sure he has it, and it goes the other way around. We do not have a true, yours, mine conflict, so it makes things a bit easier. Yes we have disagreements over spending, but we look at all aspects of the situation to see where we can cut back and restructure our spending habits to resolve the conflicts. 

  

I can not understand why the person that makes the most money feels the need to control the situation and cause the person they say they love to feel less of a person just because they make less and need to have things. I believe Andy definitely has control issues in this area, and that he is undermining his relationship with his wife by denying her things she needs. He should take a long look at his relationship and see where it is he is lacking because he is overcompensating in the money control area. 

 
October 17, 2005, 6:14 am CDT

Budgeting will not solve all your money problems

There is a fairy tale being perpetuated out there that if you just had "enough" money, then you wouldn't be fighting with your spouse about it all the time. 

  

I can tell you from experience that that isn't true. My husband and I fought about money when we brought in $35K a year, and we continue to fight about money with a six figure salary.   He is obsessed with retiring when he's 50.  I'm a thrifty mom who wants to enjoy at least a little bit of our income now.   

  

Proper budgeting is key to living within your means.  But its not going to fix every money issue.  We save thousands of dollars a year.  We live in a old modest home.  We have no debt (except for the mortgage).  We save the max toward our 401K's.  Yet we continually argue over expenses that seem ridiculous to me. 

  

I'm an severe asthmatic and he's refused to take me to emergency because insurance may not cover the cost.  He doesn't believe that people die from asthma attacks.  He's argued with me the very handful of times I've had to take my son to the doctor.      

  

Because of where we live (to save money of course) our public school district is disgraceful and has a drug use problem.  Most of our neighbors send their children to private school.  We have one child, exceptionally bright--of course :), who I believe should not be at the public school.  My husband, however, sees no investment potential in sending him to a private school.  We do send our son to a small private school, but it is a constant arguement.   

  

My husband doesn't believe that he is getting a solid investment in extracurricular activities for our son (ie: soccer, swimming, music...not all at once) so he actually made my son stop swimming lessons which he loved (they were only $5/lesson) to save the money.  

  

I do not wear designer clothes--if it weren't for Costco I'd be naked.   Actually, I have 4 total pairs of shoes and 1 purse.  I get an "allowance" of $150/month which is supposed to cover everything I need...makeup, clothes, haircuts, shoes, any personal care products, gifts for MY extended family, hobbies, dues, lunches, and ANYTHING that I need to buy that can't be considered a necessary household item.  

  

Why all this arguement....because my husband works and I "don't".  Yeah right....with a 5 year old?   

 
October 17, 2005, 9:00 am CDT

Money Woes

I know first hand that money is a BIG part of living, but you have to budget yourself, and realize that you cn't afford everything you want now, but know that if you work hard, maybe someday you can afford it. Some dreams shoudl juststay dreams, and never try to be accomplished, especially if it means putting your marriage on the line. Right now My husband works,and I stay at home to raise our three children, but I told himt hat I plan on getting a job when our youngest is 6 years old and in school, right now he is currently only 4 months old. I tend to stick to that plan, and by then I will be able to get a job without having to worry about childcare. He supports me in staying home and taking care of our children and the house. He is also good at when he comes home, he helps out with the kids, and making dinner. WE both decide together how to spend the money that he gets with his paycheck. I don't feel that it is his money, but that it is our money,and once I am working that is just that much more we will be able to afford. Too many people feel like they have to ask their husbands for money when they don't have any, but in their vows they vow to eachother to always take care of eachother no matter what. I think that Society puts too much into money and wealth and not enough into love.
 
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