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Topic : 03/24 Moms Money Conflicts

Number of Replies: 296
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Created on : Friday, October 14, 2005, 04:01:34 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 10/21/05) Money is often cited as the number one reason couples divorce. Dr. Phil talks with moms who say their need for cash is causing major problems. First, Andy and Lynn are newlyweds whose marriage is already falling apart. Lynn says she has to pay for expenses that her waitress salary can't possibly cover, and she has to beg her husband if she needs money. Andy says his wife relies on him for everything and he doesn't think she should get a free ride. Can their marriage withstand the pressure? Then, Alice has invented a product that she thinks will make her millions. But after putting in over $160,000 and turning their house into a factory, her husband has had enough. Does Alice have a great invention or should she just give up? Plus, two moms have a dream of opening up their own boutique, but their husbands say they both need a reality check. Join the discussion.


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October 15, 2005, 1:07 pm CDT

Compromise

Money is such a huge problem in families today. When are people going to see that money is not what makes you happy, nor will having everything. We as Americans have to learn to live on a budget. If you can't afford a $30,000 car, DON'T BUY ONE!!!! As for couples who argue over who makes the most money and who pays for what. Did everyone forget what marriage is about. COMPROMISE! So what if one person makes more than the other. Husbands and wives are suppose to share. That is why in a divorce everything is divided between the two. My husband and I decided before we got married that I was not going to work so now he works and brings home the money. I take care of our child and keep the house up. He has never said, "I have to take care of you or I pay for everything." He sees that as his job as the bread winner in our family. In a marriage you have to give a little before you take. You can't let money become the focus of your marriage. You have make sure that your love for each other is the first and most important thing. I know that things get hard and when your broke you get stressed out. I know how it feels. We live on a military salary. (For those of you who don't know, it isn't much!) But you have to learn to control that and live at your means. BUDGET, BUDGET, BUDGET!!!!! 

 
October 15, 2005, 7:47 pm CDT

Mom too but children gone

My children are now grown and gone and even though I helped my husband get his business started and do some of the paperwork for him, he is putting me down for not doing enough since I don't have kids to take care of any more.  

I actually do work a commission job but for some reason, it's been extremely slow to the point I'm thinking I should change careers but the only jobs I can find without a degree are very low paying ones since I am starting "at the bottom."  

My husband is CONSTANTLY complaining about how hard he works and controls every thing he can with that he "earned the money" attitude and words.  

I'm almost 50 and I must "ask" his permission in order to even have people over to fish because he "made" the pond and paid for the fish... etc. If I drive "his" sportscar that he's paying for, I must tell him where I took it and make sure there aren't many miles on it - not to mention not drive it in the rain.  

Anyway, what is a "retired" mother worth anymore? Am I expected to pick up his dirty laundry no matter where he puts it becuase he doesn't want to put it in the laundry room and I'm not "working" like he said? Should I have to do "more" around the house  (which, to him seems to be cater to his wants and whims or do what he doesn't want to do when he gets home from "working like a dog" to pay "the bills around here" because I'm not making money?  

He's now saying that he "worked" and "raised the kids" etc and didn't just "quit" working like I did. (I didn't quit but I can't seem to get back to where I was -- I left this career to go to school full time but after two years, I failed a practicum and was out of the program. He knew I had a good gpa(3.4) and worked while going to school too but didn't understand why I didn't "try" harder and didn't understand why it upset me so hard to fail something I tried so hard to get through - so the fact that I now have school bills to pay has fueled his fire about having to pay for me.  

Again, what is a "retired" mom to do? I can understand justifying a stay at home mom when the kids are young but when they're gone, should I be expected to have a full time career AND do all the house stuff I did to make up for how hard he's worked?  

I find myself very depressed and have very low self esteem after the school failure and his expectations that never seem to be fulfilled.  

What makes it worse, is that he really doesn't budget well and is very impulsive in his purchases which have caused us considerable debt. He won't admit he isn't handling things well - just blames me for not working. 

 
October 15, 2005, 7:51 pm CDT

Eyes wide open

Quote From: adawife

Money is such a huge problem in families today. When are people going to see that money is not what makes you happy, nor will having everything. We as Americans have to learn to live on a budget. If you can't afford a $30,000 car, DON'T BUY ONE!!!! As for couples who argue over who makes the most money and who pays for what. Did everyone forget what marriage is about. COMPROMISE! So what if one person makes more than the other. Husbands and wives are suppose to share. That is why in a divorce everything is divided between the two. My husband and I decided before we got married that I was not going to work so now he works and brings home the money. I take care of our child and keep the house up. He has never said, "I have to take care of you or I pay for everything." He sees that as his job as the bread winner in our family. In a marriage you have to give a little before you take. You can't let money become the focus of your marriage. You have make sure that your love for each other is the first and most important thing. I know that things get hard and when your broke you get stressed out. I know how it feels. We live on a military salary. (For those of you who don't know, it isn't much!) But you have to learn to control that and live at your means. BUDGET, BUDGET, BUDGET!!!!! 

I have waited until middle age to marry having lived with bpd and depression as my partners 'til now. I have a son I raised alone - with extreme success. I am only marrying a man who I have known for years and who never has a bad thing to say about me. I also am marrying a man who can afford to marry me by going out and making more money to give me the things I need (Lucky it's the same guy).  I am the prize here, not the slave. If you want to marry me buddy, it's hard work. Nothing good ever comes cheap. 

Money is a big problem if you want to marry and that is exactly why men need to work so hard.  

 
October 15, 2005, 10:57 pm CDT

Our plan

My husband and I are not poor, but we aren't rich either. We don't have the luxury of taking vacations to exotic destinations, purchasing new vehicles every year, or keeping a full wardrobe updated with the latest fashions. Our recent wedding ceremony was about $3000 for 70+ people, and we thought that was a bit lavish. We do have a sense of class, but we don't let it rule us. Our plans for the future include purchasing a good chunk of land to build a small house on, learning how to garden and preserve our own fruits and veggies, raising enough small livestock to last us each year, and eventually incorporating enough "green" or energy-efficient technology in our living (such as solar energy, composting, etc.) that we won't have to depend on the government for water, septic, energy, or food. No, we aren't end-of-the-world fanatics or paranoid folks. We just can't see ourselves happy with a 3,000 sq. ft., $350,000 home, brand new SUV's, and in debt up to our eyeballs. We're strong believers in working to live, not living to work. We will both work our little butts off until I get my B.A. paid off, we get our land and house (which we plan on staying in for a LONG time) paid off, and we feel like we could survive on one part- or full-time income. Then we will do what we enjoy: entertaining guests and family, gardening, camping, keeping various poultry and goats, enjoying nature, and living a generally laid-back life. What are your goals? 

  

Other people are different. Some people actually seem to like moving from one expensive and not totally-paid-for house to another. Some people thrive on tropical cruises and European tours. Some people don't mind living paycheck to paycheck, always one or two paydays away from homelessness. Then there are the people that have been so well trained into our materialistic society that they can't see any way out of their debt or current lifestyle, or that they don't really need all the fancy toys and treats they buy to keep themselves happy. I can't leave out, as a final addition to my list, those who lead luxurious lifestyles because their income allows it. Sure we'd all love to have more money, perhaps even be fabulously rich, but for 97% of us it won't ever happen. C'est la vie. 

  

Learn what kind of person you are. What makes you tick? Do you need a manicure once a week? Can you see yourself working 70+ hours per week? Do you require at least two carats on your person at all times to feel whole? Do you even use those vacation days that you keep collecting? Do you plan on retiring at age 45? Can you feed your family on $20 a week if it comes to it? Do you like to always have the latest clothing, vehicle, technology, and high social status? Do you enjoy providing your own food and entertainment? Would you be happy with used clothing and other items? Do you see yourself staying put or jumping from place to place, job to job? Get to know what you want out of life before you decide to pair up. As Socrates said: Know thyself. Then you can get to know someone else and start blending your lives together.  

  

It's so sad that so many people are entering into a marriage or partnership without discussing essentials like money, family, labor, and life-goals. These are necessary topics. I can't see how something so huge could be tucked out of mind until after a crisis has reared up.  

 
October 15, 2005, 11:17 pm CDT

Smells like trouble

Quote From: sfg1257

My children are now grown and gone and even though I helped my husband get his business started and do some of the paperwork for him, he is putting me down for not doing enough since I don't have kids to take care of any more.  

I actually do work a commission job but for some reason, it's been extremely slow to the point I'm thinking I should change careers but the only jobs I can find without a degree are very low paying ones since I am starting "at the bottom."  

My husband is CONSTANTLY complaining about how hard he works and controls every thing he can with that he "earned the money" attitude and words.  

I'm almost 50 and I must "ask" his permission in order to even have people over to fish because he "made" the pond and paid for the fish... etc. If I drive "his" sportscar that he's paying for, I must tell him where I took it and make sure there aren't many miles on it - not to mention not drive it in the rain.  

Anyway, what is a "retired" mother worth anymore? Am I expected to pick up his dirty laundry no matter where he puts it becuase he doesn't want to put it in the laundry room and I'm not "working" like he said? Should I have to do "more" around the house  (which, to him seems to be cater to his wants and whims or do what he doesn't want to do when he gets home from "working like a dog" to pay "the bills around here" because I'm not making money?  

He's now saying that he "worked" and "raised the kids" etc and didn't just "quit" working like I did. (I didn't quit but I can't seem to get back to where I was -- I left this career to go to school full time but after two years, I failed a practicum and was out of the program. He knew I had a good gpa(3.4) and worked while going to school too but didn't understand why I didn't "try" harder and didn't understand why it upset me so hard to fail something I tried so hard to get through - so the fact that I now have school bills to pay has fueled his fire about having to pay for me.  

Again, what is a "retired" mom to do? I can understand justifying a stay at home mom when the kids are young but when they're gone, should I be expected to have a full time career AND do all the house stuff I did to make up for how hard he's worked?  

I find myself very depressed and have very low self esteem after the school failure and his expectations that never seem to be fulfilled.  

What makes it worse, is that he really doesn't budget well and is very impulsive in his purchases which have caused us considerable debt. He won't admit he isn't handling things well - just blames me for not working. 

It sounds like you haven't talked this out with your husband at all. I would start by making a complete list, mentally or on paper, of all the money-related and other problems that you have. Look at everything on your list and prioritize. What really steams your kettle, and what could you really just let go of? Figure out why these issues or topics made your list. Is this a problem that only you can solve, or do you need to involve your husband in the solution? Maybe you can solve your employment problem by hiring a good head-hunter to track down that perfect, well-paying job. Or maybe you and your husband are suffering from a lack of communication and you both need to just sit down one evening, lay it all on the table, and hash it out. If you think you could be suffering a chemical imbalance, or depression-related symptoms, then seek professional help. There are so many great therapists out there that would be able to talk you through your problems or prescribe something that will help you live a more normal life.  

  

Obviously I'm no pro like Dr. Phil, so don't listen to me if you don't care for two cents from a stranger. But please do something to help get yourself out of this misery. I haven't read all of his stuff, but Dr. Phil's books generally have some really good information. You can often find them at garage sales, used book sales, or libraries. He takes a very logical approach to solving problems, and forces you to think about all the ifs, ands, buts, and whys.  

  

My last comment on this: You have to be happy before you can even attempt to make anyone else happy. You are the most important person in the world, so take care.  

 
October 16, 2005, 8:45 am CDT

10/21 Moms and Money Conflicts

Quote From: sfg1257

My children are now grown and gone and even though I helped my husband get his business started and do some of the paperwork for him, he is putting me down for not doing enough since I don't have kids to take care of any more.  

I actually do work a commission job but for some reason, it's been extremely slow to the point I'm thinking I should change careers but the only jobs I can find without a degree are very low paying ones since I am starting "at the bottom."  

My husband is CONSTANTLY complaining about how hard he works and controls every thing he can with that he "earned the money" attitude and words.  

I'm almost 50 and I must "ask" his permission in order to even have people over to fish because he "made" the pond and paid for the fish... etc. If I drive "his" sportscar that he's paying for, I must tell him where I took it and make sure there aren't many miles on it - not to mention not drive it in the rain.  

Anyway, what is a "retired" mother worth anymore? Am I expected to pick up his dirty laundry no matter where he puts it becuase he doesn't want to put it in the laundry room and I'm not "working" like he said? Should I have to do "more" around the house  (which, to him seems to be cater to his wants and whims or do what he doesn't want to do when he gets home from "working like a dog" to pay "the bills around here" because I'm not making money?  

He's now saying that he "worked" and "raised the kids" etc and didn't just "quit" working like I did. (I didn't quit but I can't seem to get back to where I was -- I left this career to go to school full time but after two years, I failed a practicum and was out of the program. He knew I had a good gpa(3.4) and worked while going to school too but didn't understand why I didn't "try" harder and didn't understand why it upset me so hard to fail something I tried so hard to get through - so the fact that I now have school bills to pay has fueled his fire about having to pay for me.  

Again, what is a "retired" mom to do? I can understand justifying a stay at home mom when the kids are young but when they're gone, should I be expected to have a full time career AND do all the house stuff I did to make up for how hard he's worked?  

I find myself very depressed and have very low self esteem after the school failure and his expectations that never seem to be fulfilled.  

What makes it worse, is that he really doesn't budget well and is very impulsive in his purchases which have caused us considerable debt. He won't admit he isn't handling things well - just blames me for not working. 

In my opinion, when a husband starts keeping "track" of who works the most, who makes the most money, etc., etc., you should present him a bill for everything little, stinkin' thing you've done for him since day one.  When did this society start measuring a person's value and worth in a family and their contributions to society as a whole in dollars and cents?    

This became a HUGE issue between my husband and myself when we had our 3 children. (twins born 18 months after our oldest child)  Up to that point in time, he called all the shots.  But on this issue I didn't back down.  I made a decision and stuck to it!  I decided to stay at home and raise our children.  To suppliment our income I did full time daycare.  I did all the housework, brought in decent money, was room mother at school for all our kids, took them to 4-H, was brownie and girl scout leader and PTA president.  It was never good enough.  I constantly heard:  "Get a real job in the real world."   

It wasn't me he was dissatisfied with; it was himself.  He transferred what he felt were his failures and shortcomings onto me.  We were struggling financially because of our son's health issues that almost put us into bankruptcy.  He became more and more depressed and started drinking.  It was like living in hell.  To make a really long story short:  after almost 30 yrs., he is now sober and has been for 2 years and taking anti-depressants.  However, his depression and alcoholism affected all of our children, and myself, in a lot of negative ways. 

I finally got out of daycare when all my children left home.  Because I didn't finish college, my job options were limited.  I taught religion grades 1-8 and worked part-time at a Distribution Center.  Eventually I was offered a full-time position, in the union, with good pay and benefits.  We started to get back on our feet financially, got our credit in good standing, had a decent savings account, and then I was offered a job at a local bank.  I learned new job skills, was very good at what I did, was happy, my kids appeared to be doing well in their lives, and then the bottom fell out of my world.  My youngest daughter (who has a young son) became addicted to cocaine.  The bank I was working at started to downsize and my job was eliminated.  For 3 yrs. we struggled with taking care of our grandson and trying to get our daughter help.  She is now drug free.  She is with a nice guy and they are expecting their first child any day.   But our savings is gone, we were taken to collection for our medical bills, my unemployment is running out and I can't find another job. 

We live in an economically depressed area where there are very few jobs, a lot of unemployment and the few jobs there are are very low paying with no benefits.  The responses I've received on all the jobs I've applied for have been that I've not had enough job experience.  Up to this point, my husband has been supportive, however, that won't last long because he has been enjoying spending and doesn't know what a budget is!  He's started leaving me lists of things to do.  I'm not working--he is.  I won't buy into that at all.  We both live here, we both will contribute.  My sister and I tried to start our own residential cleaning business.  We have 2 customers.  It seemed like everyone had the same idea at the same time we did! I don't know what I'm going to do.  I worry about the fact that I'm 54, don't have a lot of job skills and  am no longer contributing to social security.  

 I don't know what career you have now or what kind of program you were in that you were dismissed from, but from what you have written it doesn't appear to me that you have "failed" at anything.  He has.  In my opinion, he is failing at being a husband. He's not taking responsibility for his contributing to the financial difficulties by not budgeting and making impulsive purchases.  He's being totally self-absorbed.   His constant putting you down and reminding you that you aren't contributing financially is only going to make you feel more insecure and gives him more power and control over you.  (this is abusive, by the way)  My advice is to either find a supportive circle of friends that can help you work thru this emotionally so you can find a practical solution to your problem or find a good therapist.   

How much is a "retired" mom worth?  More money than he can afford to pay you! 

 
October 16, 2005, 10:27 am CDT

Kick that loser to the curb!

I think that she should kick him to the curb yesterday! He expects her to pay bills that she can't afford to pay. Then when her money is all gone he withholds money from her? Just the fact that she has to beg him for money shows me he has no respect for her or any woman for that matter. If he really loved her it wouldn't matter if she had a job or not. He would leave it up to her. He is only using her for an extra paycheck to make HIS life better. She doesn't need him. She needs her self-respect back. It would be better if she were alone with her self-respect intact than to be with him miserable and without self-esteen and self-respect. Get rid of that loser ASAP! He doesn't love you. He loves himself! Leave him and let him be with himself! Someday you will realize that you made the right decision in leaving him. You might even meet someone down the road when you are ready. You must have self-respect in order to find the right man who will respect you and love you for who you are. It won't be important to him to rely on your money. He will have enough love for you and have enough self-respect to treat you in a way where you deserve to be treated. Good luck in getting rid of that jerk. 

  

                                                 Carole 

 
October 16, 2005, 11:24 am CDT

Whatever happened to partners?

This is about trust and control... He likes she doesn't make as much money, she'll have to explain all her purchases,  it will get worse after children.  He thinks she will take advantage of him, he probably thinks she's faking when she says she's sick,,,trying to pull a fast one. 

She is signed up for a life of paying for crimes she did not commit.  She will always be on parol, having to prove over and over again that she is pulling her weight. 

Someone has taught this guy not to trust, that he needs to protect himself against his wife.  I wonder where that comes from....hhhhmmmmmmmmmmm... very likely it isn't her,,,,but he will also pay in the end.   If he couldn't trust her, he shouldn't have gotten married.   Why did he marry her , I wonder?  How can you love someone when you don't think that much of them?  Boggles the mind, doesn't it. 

 
October 16, 2005, 3:21 pm CDT

Money, isn't the real issue

When two people get married they become one, there is know whats mine is mine and whats your is yours, it becomes ours. I would think that when two people decide to get married there telling the world that they are so in love that they want to spend the rest of their lives together, to share everything, but, Dr Phil it's sad to see that's not always the case.
 
October 16, 2005, 4:14 pm CDT

I know how you feel

I'm know exactly how lynn feels myself is going through the samething with my husband, we have seperate accounts and yeah he pays most of the bills but I pay all my bills, my gas, whatever I need but I also pay both car payments and sometimes alot of the kids stuff.  If I ever need anything else I need to ask him.  I hate Yes I work I'm waitress and I do make decent money but you know his salary is guarentee and my money is not. So if I tell him that I'm short money he's like oh well, maybe you should find another job its the same bullsh___ over and over.   

  

I wish at times I could do it on my own but I have my own debt issues t o deal with and I am.  But it really upsets me, His friends can call and ask to borrow money and he will give it to them but me nothing. 

 
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