Topic : 03/24 Moms Money Conflicts

My husband and I are not poor, but we aren't rich either. We don't have the luxury of taking vacations to exotic destinations, purchasing new vehicles every year, or keeping a full wardrobe updated with the latest fashions. Our recent wedding ceremony was about $3000 for 70+ people, and we thought that was a bit lavish. We do have a sense of class, but we don't let it rule us. Our plans for the future include purchasing a good chunk of land to build a small house on, learning how to garden and preserve our own fruits and veggies, raising enough small livestock to last us each year, and eventually incorporating enough "green" or energy-efficient technology in our living (such as solar energy, composting, etc.) that we won't have to depend on the government for water, septic, energy, or food. No, we aren't end-of-the-world fanatics or paranoid folks. We just can't see ourselves happy with a 3,000 sq. ft., $350,000 home, brand new SUV's, and in debt up to our eyeballs. We're strong believers in working to live, not living to work. We will both work our little butts off until I get my B.A. paid off, we get our land and house (which we plan on staying in for a LONG time) paid off, and we feel like we could survive on one part- or full-time income. Then we will do what we enjoy: entertaining guests and family, gardening, camping, keeping various poultry and goats, enjoying nature, and living a generally laid-back life. What are your goals? 

Other people are different. Some people actually seem to like moving from one expensive and not totally-paid-for house to another. Some people thrive on tropical cruises and European tours. Some people don't mind living paycheck to paycheck, always one or two paydays away from homelessness. Then there are the people that have been so well trained into our materialistic society that they can't see any way out of their debt or current lifestyle, or that they don't really need all the fancy toys and treats they buy to keep themselves happy. I can't leave out, as a final addition to my list, those who lead luxurious lifestyles because their income allows it. Sure we'd all love to have more money, perhaps even be fabulously rich, but for 97% of us it won't ever happen. C'est la vie. 

Learn what kind of person you are. What makes you tick? Do you need a manicure once a week? Can you see yourself working 70+ hours per week? Do you require at least two carats on your person at all times to feel whole? Do you even use those vacation days that you keep collecting? Do you plan on retiring at age 45? Can you feed your family on $20 a week if it comes to it? Do you like to always have the latest clothing, vehicle, technology, and high social status? Do you enjoy providing your own food and entertainment? Would you be happy with used clothing and other items? Do you see yourself staying put or jumping from place to place, job to job? Get to know what you want out of life before you decide to pair up. As Socrates said: Know thyself. Then you can get to know someone else and start blending your lives together.  

It's so sad that so many people are entering into a marriage or partnership without discussing essentials like money, family, labor, and life-goals. These are necessary topics. I can't see how something so huge could be tucked out of mind until after a crisis has reared up.  

There is a fairy tale being perpetuated out there that if you just had "enough" money, then you wouldn't be fighting with your spouse about it all the time. 

I can tell you from experience that that isn't true. My husband and I fought about money when we brought in $35K a year, and we continue to fight about money with a six figure salary.   He is obsessed with retiring when he's 50.  I'm a thrifty mom who wants to enjoy at least a little bit of our income now.   

Proper budgeting is key to living within your means.  But its not going to fix every money issue.  We save thousands of dollars a year.  We live in a old modest home.  We have no debt (except for the mortgage).  We save the max toward our 401K's.  Yet we continually argue over expenses that seem ridiculous to me. 

I'm an severe asthmatic and he's refused to take me to emergency because insurance may not cover the cost.  He doesn't believe that people die from asthma attacks.  He's argued with me the very handful of times I've had to take my son to the doctor.      

Because of where we live (to save money of course) our public school district is disgraceful and has a drug use problem.  Most of our neighbors send their children to private school.  We have one child, exceptionally bright--of course :), who I believe should not be at the public school.  My husband, however, sees no investment potential in sending him to a private school.  We do send our son to a small private school, but it is a constant arguement.   

My husband doesn't believe that he is getting a solid investment in extracurricular activities for our son (ie: soccer, swimming, music...not all at once) so he actually made my son stop swimming lessons which he loved (they were only $5/lesson) to save the money.  

I do not wear designer clothes--if it weren't for Costco I'd be naked.   Actually, I have 4 total pairs of shoes and 1 purse.  I get an "allowance" of $150/month which is supposed to cover everything I need...makeup, clothes, haircuts, shoes, any personal care products, gifts for MY extended family, hobbies, dues, lunches, and ANYTHING that I need to buy that can't be considered a necessary household item.  

Why all this arguement....because my husband works and I "don't".  Yeah right....with a 5 year old?   

Wow Ladies 

I think its awful how men complain about giving money.   They are treating people as if they are children and not wives.  Sorry if I offend anybody. You shouldn't have to ask for money, it should be given to you on a regular basis.  You all should be able to go out and enjoy yourselves.  I've seen my friends fight with their husbands over money.  I have to say my husband and i never fight about money. 

My husband and I have separate checking accts.  He pays the bigger bills and I pay the smaller ones(therapy bill is mine and its huge).  I have a son who is handicapped and requires 3 therapies.  I do work full time.  For about 2 years I was taking a 7 1/2 hr pay cut per check.  I had to take off work for therapies, MRI's, lots of testing and getting him on the bus, .  His school also did late start where he wouldn't go in till 10 2x out of every month.  My husband never takes part in any of this.  I was really struggling to get the bills paid and never being able to go out with friends.  I often wondered about getting a part time job.  everytime I ask for money he says didn't i just give you money.  Luckily my friends are broke also so we all get together every friday and have girls night.  What stinks is my husband is into kayaking right now so hes constantly buying kayaking stuff and fishing stuff and here i am with no money. 

For all of you who get complaints about the housework.  I myself would not tolerate that.  When my husband complains, I take his clothes and leave them in a laundry basket and don't wash them.  I don't tell him I did that.  He also doesn't get dinner for a week.  I do all the cleaning and cooking.  I am constantly picking up after him.  he has no right to complain about anything thats done for him.  When I try to talk to him about it, he says I bit__ just like his mother. 

If anyone has some good advice on how to get rid of credit card debt, I'd like to know.  thats part of the reason I have a hard time budgeting my money. 

Our stories are very similar, except my kids are still home.  They are early school age.  He works 80+ hours a week, while I take care of the kids, house and go to his business every day to help, do paperwork, etc.  I put in 15-20 a week there.  He is constantly complaining and criticizing how little I do, how I don't appreciate him, I could go on and on.  I have my name on the house, but other than that his name is on everything else.  I do not have access to a bank account.  I have my own bank account, but I don't make money so it pretty much just sits there unused.  I have a credit card for gas, groceries, etc., but he constantly threatens to take them away or cancel them.  He says I don't work, but I do.  He says I lay around all day, and boasts about eveything he does, how hard he works.  I suffer from low self-esteem, I have lost myself, my identity.  I am afraid to do anything when he is home.  If I am not being 'productive' I hear it! 

I thank you for writing in.  Hearing other people's stories helps!  I have an appointment with a lawyer tomorrow, to see legally where I stand, and if he every pulls the rug from under my feet I will be prepared.  I also applied for a job and have an interview on Wednesday.  I am going to prepare myself for the worst and not be a sitting duck anymore!