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Topic : 12/29 "Is This Normal?"

Number of Replies: 493
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Created on : Thursday, October 20, 2005, 02:47:02 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Airdate 10/24/05) Do you have a really strange habit? Are you in a bizarre situation and think you’re the only one experiencing it? Monica and Joe call each other names like "fat ass" and "ugly." They love their bad banter, but wonder if it's influencing their young children in a negative way. Then, Mary's husband had a liver transplant, and his medical bills are putting a strain on their marriage. Is it normal for her to resent the financial burden, or is she just being selfish? Plus, a new mom wonders how to raise her 4-month-old with her nudist fiance. Talk about the show here.

 

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October 22, 2005, 9:51 pm CDT

Nudist Fiance

     My father has been a nudist my whole life.  My mother was more conservative, so I never saw her naked, other than in a painting my father did once.  My father taught us that the human body was just that, a body.  We respect each other by not touching private areas, but everyone has them, and there is nothing wrong with the body.  I know that dad would have wanted us all to grow up nudist and go to nudist colonies, but it never really happened.  Mom taught us that there are reasons to be conservative, and cover up.  Dad taught us that there are reasons to let yourself go and be nude.  I think my brother and I found our place somewhere in the middle.  I am very comfortable with my body and do not feel a need to hide any part, but I respect others' right to NOT see it!   

     I know it will be a lot different with a 4 year old.  I would just suggest that you explain to her that some people wear clothes when they are home and some people don't.  If seeing him disturbs her,  he can wear a towel.  My dad has several little "waist robes" that go around like a towel and snap.  He wears those most of the time now.   

     One little note though, she needs to learn the term nudist.  I know that some of my friends' parents thought it was a little inappropriate when I, as a little girl, would say that I saw my dad naked all the time. Then I would say he was a nudist.  They still didn't like it, but they stopped looking like they were going to call child protective services! 

 
October 22, 2005, 9:55 pm CDT

nudist fiance continued

oops! I just realized that the story said 4 MONTH old child, not 4 year old.  Honestly, if it's all she knows, it will never be an issue. If she is raised with  the message that it is not shameful to be naked, as long as we are respectful of others' right to not see it, she will be fine.
 
October 22, 2005, 9:56 pm CDT

another thing kpugliese

Quote From: cannotwait

All my life I have been around witty humour.......really funny things including name calling but totally in a fun way....I would never name call to hurt someone's feelings cause it's not nice but it's all in the way I deliver it.  My husband of 8  years joins in now too.  If I call him a "big bum" or "a waste of time", it's the way I say it that makes him never take offence to it.  He'll call me fun names too and they are not offensive.  My personality is very outgoing and I have a great sense of humour and I am self employed.  Even my past jobs even in management, the staff would always say that the way I name call, clearly I mean no offence to it.  If it ever was offensive I would stop right away but I believe I get away with it because the people know me and know it's not at all serious.  Also, I am not an obnoxious funny girl, I am a witty humor girl.  I know the difference and if someone is obnoxious and think they're funny, well that's not right.  However, I am interested in what Dr. Phil has to say about it because it is different.  I repeat, I would not do it if someone took offence to it.  I had some ladies once work with me at a job and they said they weren't sure how they would like working with me because I'm outgoing and after less than a week they said that they love the way I lead, because even though I have odd pet names, everyone is treated so equally and fairly.  And they ended up joining in.  And again, it's not ALL the time and it's all in fun. 

Have you ever told him that this hurts you? And if you haven't you should and if he doesn't stop well, that's another show. 

 
October 22, 2005, 10:03 pm CDT

Witty humor?

Quote From: cannotwait

All my life I have been around witty humour.......really funny things including name calling but totally in a fun way....I would never name call to hurt someone's feelings cause it's not nice but it's all in the way I deliver it.  My husband of 8  years joins in now too.  If I call him a "big bum" or "a waste of time", it's the way I say it that makes him never take offence to it.  He'll call me fun names too and they are not offensive.  My personality is very outgoing and I have a great sense of humour and I am self employed.  Even my past jobs even in management, the staff would always say that the way I name call, clearly I mean no offence to it.  If it ever was offensive I would stop right away but I believe I get away with it because the people know me and know it's not at all serious.  Also, I am not an obnoxious funny girl, I am a witty humor girl.  I know the difference and if someone is obnoxious and think they're funny, well that's not right.  However, I am interested in what Dr. Phil has to say about it because it is different.  I repeat, I would not do it if someone took offence to it.  I had some ladies once work with me at a job and they said they weren't sure how they would like working with me because I'm outgoing and after less than a week they said that they love the way I lead, because even though I have odd pet names, everyone is treated so equally and fairly.  And they ended up joining in.  And again, it's not ALL the time and it's all in fun. 

  

I must have a different concept of "wittty" humor.  "Wit", as I have always understood it, requires  intelligence, keen observation, and  insight, with  the ability to think quickly.  Wit does not involve name calling, no matter how the less- than- flattering name is "delivered".    Name calling is too obvious a tactic to be classified as wit, although many people consider it funny.  (Many people, especially boys between ages of about nine to thirty, also consider flatulence and other body functions to be extremely funny .)  Making a "joke" at someone else's expense  (rather than your own) is cheap and immature.  Your name calling is meant as fun, and you sure don't sound mean-spirited.  However, don't be too sure that you have never hurt, embarrassed, or offended anyone.  There are those who  just "laugh along" in an attempt to avoid further embarrassment, rather than admit to being offended.   It's wonderful to be so outgoing and friendly, but be sensitive enough to pick up the non-verbal clues that reveal others'  authentic  feelings (to borrow a word from Dr. Phil).  As for those "funny" husbands who throw out insults in the guise of "humor"  - the wife (or other target) of the "jokes" should become deaf until he gets it.  Don't react at all, except with a blank stare.  Let his joke "bomb". 

 
October 22, 2005, 10:49 pm CDT

Trends of disrespect

I couldn't find an emote for DISGUSTED, so I left it blank.  Honestly, I've been hearing more and more rudeness from couples towards one another in the form of so-called pet names.  It's not funny.  There's no humor in a one sided insult.  If one partner insists its funny, then there needs to be a reality check performed immediately to let them know they're not a comedian.   

  

It's a form of control when someone claims they're 'only joking'.  The partner is not being funny and they know it.  It's a putdown, plain and simple.  Words manipulate.  Words injure.  Words are power, especially setting the pecking order in a family setting.  If there is real love and true respect, this wouldn't occur.  A relationship can cope with highs & lows, but not a continual lack of respect towards & within both parties.   Time to grow up and realize manipulative behavior drags everyone down to the lowest levels.  Clean up the language to demonstrate mutual respect and a better relationship will ensue.... guaranteed! 

   

 
October 23, 2005, 5:26 am CDT

Remember the children

Quote From: spachic23

I think some of you are missing the point that Joe and Monica say they like to call each other names.  This obviously works for their relationship. I am going to guess when they call each other fat ass, neither of them are probably fat.  Also, it doesn't sound like it is one-sided, like some of the relationships you all are describing. If Joe was constantly telling Monica she was fat, stupid, lazy, etc. or vice versa ( and meaning it), it might be considered verbal abuse. But it doesn't sound like this is the case. We don't know these people, so "we" probably should be telling them the SERIOUSLY need to do anything. 

The introduction said Joe and Monica wonder how thieir name calling is affecting thier children.  They are teaching their children that calling other people by nasty names is normal and socially acceptable - and it just isn't.  Those kids are going to go to school and the playground and imitate what they hear at home - and other kids (and other kids' parents) are NOT going to think it's cute, acceptable, or endearing.  I'm hopeful that they will hear and learn that name calling is childish and will have a very negative impact on their children and choose to stop it.  Just because they "like it" doesnt make it ok. 

  

 
October 23, 2005, 6:07 am CDT

Verbal Abusive

Quote From: irishmom

 I had a similar thing happen to me.  One time I told my husband that my stomach hurt, and he said "which one?"  When I was offended, he swears he didn't mean it the way it sounded.  How else can it be interpretted?  Also, right before we got married I was talking about going to the gym to lose weight.  My husband is quite a bit older than I, and when I said this, his reply was "when you go to the gym and loose all that weight and become attractive, are you going to leave me for a younger man?"  To me, that implied that he didn't think I was attractive!!  He swears that not only did he not mean that to sound the way it did, but that he meant it as a compliment!!!  Boy would I like to live in the mind of a guy for just one day!  (or would I??)

  

Anything negative in a partnership for me is verbal abusive. One of the sign of verbally abusive is you are over reacting, to sensitive, you cannot take a joke or taking control of you. for example Every one know the grass is green but the abusive tries to tell you not it is blue and you are wrong. Tried to check you the relationship you are in to see where it stands. I through familiar territory and found help with books, counselor and Dr.Phil shows. We are doing betters.  

 
October 23, 2005, 11:56 am CDT

sharing

Whenever either spouse has a problem both should work together to see it through to the conclusion ( do not marry unless you expect to take care of each other; Mary you are very selfish)
 
October 23, 2005, 12:54 pm CDT

Re: Is this Normal

Quote From: rinahatton

  

Anything negative in a partnership for me is verbal abusive. One of the sign of verbally abusive is you are over reacting, to sensitive, you cannot take a joke or taking control of you. for example Every one know the grass is green but the abusive tries to tell you not it is blue and you are wrong. Tried to check you the relationship you are in to see where it stands. I through familiar territory and found help with books, counselor and Dr.Phil shows. We are doing betters.  

It can be normal in relationships to call each other names. 

  

But is it acceptable?  I say NO!  I agree that verbal abuse .........is verbal abuse, whether it's done by the husband, wife or both. 

  

But It doesn't mean we have to take it. 

  

A) I do NOT put up with it  (I confront it then and there) 

  

and B) I won't stoop to that level (I know how it feels, and I won't do that to someone else) 

 
October 23, 2005, 4:06 pm CDT

verbal abuse

ANYTHING ---- be it physical, emotional, visual, that makes a person feel LESS THAN, is ABUSE.  

A Person needs to respect and love self first, and then subsequently expect that from others. Anything less, is just simply unacceptable. I have read, learned and researched alot regarding abuse, since I left my abusive marriage 8 years ago. In answer to the Irish woman who is married to an older man. His problem, obviously,is severe insecurity and a need to control. It is NOT normal 

and erodes away your self esteem. Noone deserves to live with abuse of any kind. Most attempts 

at killing the woman is when she decides to leave, so I know that if and when you decide to leave, 

it should be unbeknownst to him, and do it quickly. To all who are going through what I did go  

through, my prayers go with you. 

 
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