Topic : 12/29 "Is This Normal?"

I lost my husband a little over a year ago to cancer. I was shocked that Dr. Phil didn't have words for Pam as to dealing with her own grieving process and also her daughters need for her mother.  How can Pam deal with her loss when her husbands half brother that looks like deceased husband is hanging around.  Obviously, Pam is into the fun and excitement of a new relationship but her daughter needs more time to deal with the loss.  Dr. Phil was wrong in not addressing this properly.  Pam...have a little more respect for your dead husband and take on the responsibility of helping your daughter through this process!  I wouldn't even think of replacing my husband that died...there just isn't anyone out there that could/would fit the same shoes.  So, obviously I haven't completed my grieving process and if/when I am ready to date again, it will be for the right reasons.  Not to fill a dead husbands shoes that are still warm!

As I watched the show yesterday and reading the messages today I realized that there are so many young woman out there just like me!  I'm hoping by writing this message I can give a little bit of hope to the woman who have lost fathers and maybe give some insight to the wives that have lost husbands.  

  

When I was 11 years old my father was a truck driver and was gone Monday - Friday and home every weekend. My mom was a stay at home mom and also subbed in at the schools once in a while. Then one day my dad started to get dizzy spells and we called an ambulance and the next thing you know he was diagnosed with a brain tumor.  He was my everything. I had two older brothers that were mama boys and then there was me the youngest and a definate DADDYs girl! We also took in any troubled teens (friends of my brothers) that needed a warm bed, but there was one inparticular that stayed with us for 9 years and I still consider my 3rd Older brother (Jim).  My mom and me struggled to keep close during my teenage years, but it was effortless when it came to my dad. He survived 4-1/2 years went through two brain surgeries and countless chemo treatments.  My father was let go immediatly after being diagnosed and was left with nothing. No health insurance, no life insurance, and a stack of medical bills to top it off.   

  

My mom being the strong minded woman stepped right up and immediatly started working full times for the schools. She worked before & after school daycare and also did lunches. When she still couldnt keep up she took on a third job (midnight shift at the local gas station). By this time I was well into highschool and extremely angry at the world. I complained constantly. Whether it was about how ugly our car was, or I was sick of eating school food, or even worse I was embarrased that my mom was the lunch lady. I had to stay home every night with my dad because he was in a vegetable state by this point and someone needed to change his IV bags or get the bubbles out of the machine, and with my mom working nights and my brothers being the usual teenage boys (never could sit still). This had a major impact on my school life I was exausted and never found time to study let alone cared about grades all I could think about was what would happen when my best friend died!! 

  

Then it happened and I felt like nothing would ever be quit right againi.  Only at my dad's last wake my mom tapped my grandma on the shoulder and said " Please switch me seats I really need to be with my daughter right now.  I need her" My mother and I like millions of other teenage girls and there mothers did not get along at this point, but that was a HUGE turning point in our lives. From that day on I could not let go of her. No matter where she was or who she was with I needed details (what car were they in, what time will you be home, call me as soon as your home). 

  

My mother started dating about 1 to 1-1/2 years later ( thats how important it was i cant even remember), but it wasnt about dating it was about trying to except another man in my dads recliner or at the dinner table that was hard to swollow. Now I'm not saying there wasnt a few knock down drag outs at first, but when my mom sat me down and looked me in the eyes and said " I'm lonely"  it hit a nerve. I had not even considered that she spent nights at home alone with noone there to support her while my brothers and I being teenagers were out on the town.   

  

It only took a few different guys before she settled down with a certain one, and he was a nice guy. Not my dad but treated my mom really well and that was what mattered to me. It took a little adjusting, and my mom was very giving when it came to me needing to keep track of her. After all once you've lost one parent if the other isnt responsible than you could be left an orphan in a matter of moments.  

  

I am currently 29 years old now and still would consider myself an orphan if my mom were gone. She now is my best friend and I am so proud to be raised by such a independent woman who would stand by her man through some very tough years. She has raised me to be honest, kind, and willing to do anything to make my family work even if that means you get three jobs and scrape by. She will forever sit on a pedestal when it comes to me. I am the closest to her and can honestly tell you I cant find one bad thing about her. She truley is the PERFECT mom. 

  

  

  

First off, very sorry for your loss.  A very close friend of ours lost her husband, and her 3 children lost their father to sudden heart attack in Jan of 05.  A week later I lost my dad, so I have an idea what you are going through.  To say that I know what you are going through is not true, no one knows that but you. 

I have to disagree with you about the way that Dr. Phil addressed the issue for the following reason.  Everyone grieves in different ways.  There may be certain common grief stages, but I firmly believe in two things: 1) There is no right or wrong way to grieve, only what it is right to each individual and 2) No one can tell someone else how they should be feeling or when to feel it. 

I felt for both mother and daughter, and hope that they find a place that they can grieve together as well as their individual grieving.   

My mom and I call each other names ALL the time,just out of fun! The b-word.The w-word.We constantly cuss at each other and call each other swear words,just because we think it's funny! We don't do it in public though,unless we're with friends who know it's okay.

How can anyone want to be called names?  There is a line that you don't cross and that is calling your significant other names.  You wonder if it is going to affect your child?????  Well of course it will.  You know how is it going to sound when he tells his teacher "your a fat ass"???  I am sure there will be many parent teacher conferences.  Also when he is older and starts to date do you think that a girlfriend is going to put up w/ that type of disrespect?  This world is falling apart, because people don't respect and love one another and what you to are doing is not being lovey w/ each other.  It is hiding behind your true feelings!

I too had a problem with my children when I tried to date after my husband died.  My children were 14 and 16 when my husband died suddenly.  I took a long time for me to get over the death and I did not consider dating until almost 6 years later.  My daughter was 20 and my son was 22.  You would have thought I was killing them.  I wanted to date a divorced man that I had worked with and knew from work for 20 years.  I got statements from the children such as....you're cheating on dad....Dad's rolling over in his grave.....and a ton of tears and screams.  We finally sat down and had a heart to heart.  I even tried to take them to family counseling...that only lasted one session.  I told the children that  I hated it that dad died...But I asked them not to bury me with him.  Long story short....I told them that I would not bring anyone home until I felt serious about them...WRONG decision.  I then felt like they controlled the house and did not even feel comfortable inviting the man over for dinner.  After a year of dating, I did marry the man...and the children said they would not live there with a strange man.  I put them both up into an apartment...and called it college housing...I paid their rent...but made them learn to pay and budget for the balance of the expenses.  Unfortunately....in the end, I ended up divorcing the man.....VERY difficult and one of the hardest processes I have ever gone through.  I thought I was going to have a breakdown.  The man ended up quitting his job 3 weeks before we got married, never worked during the marriage, never contributed one dime towards the marriage....and gambled over $60,000 away while we were married.  I was not aware of the gambling problem. before the marriage because he was working and because we did not live together before the marriage  I had a wonderful first marriage and now this 2nd husband has made me VERY afraid of moving on.  The children have matured and I feel they would understand if I dated again, but I cannot bring myself to do that.  I just want to stay as their mother...and only have them to worry about.   

I can not believe the selfishness and self absorbed wife on today's show.  Her husband could die of  liver disease and she doesn't want to spend money on his medical bills.  I have seen total strangers who were willing to do more for a sick or dying person.   

  

My husband died of cancer in 1996.  I would have given all I own in a minute to keep him here with me.  I prayed that God would take me instead of my husband.  I would have done anything and I do mean anything to save him. 

  

Dr Phil I know you were trying to find something to say in the wife's favor but her husband should not have to worry about the bills.....stress could kill the man.  I shielded my husband from not only the bills but any stress that I could.  Perhaps laughing about the bills is all he can do.   

  

This women doesn't REALLY love her husband.  I believe she will eventually leave him anyway especially if the going get any rougher.  She just didn't sign on for "in sickness or health".   The person she loves is herself.   

  I was stunned to see a man in a similar situation to me married to a woman exactly like my ex-wife. That poor guy should pack up and move out. My wife wouldn't change, and she won't either. She is so much like my ex-wife it's uncanny; right down to lavishing money on, in my case, our adult child and grandchildren, but acting totally miserable about spending money on medications for her spouse.  

   His wife feels her attitude is justified. After all, he let her down by getting sick. How dare he get sick! Who's going to look after her now? 

   She says they're going backwards. They are not going backwards, they are living life!! That's what happens on the way to the grave. Hello, anybody home in there? 

    I got tired of having my wife tell me that she had endured 17 years of Hell being married to someone who is ill. So I left. I expect he will listen to the same thing until he leaves.  

I live in Canada, and I find it absolutely bizarre that a person could end up in the poorhouse becuase of medical bills. No other country in the western hemisphere has no public medical system. Here this could not happen. Every resident of Canada is covered for almost everything (vanity plastic surgery is not covered). The surgery would have been covered by the Provincial health plan, and then all anti-rejection drugs, etc. would be covered by the Provincial Pharmacare program. Nobody here ever goes broke due to medical bills. When are Americans going to wake up and realize ill health is bad luck, not bad management?

This message is for all those out there who are feeling very frustrated regarding an ill family member.  I read many of these posts and I understand those who would do anything as their family member goes thru health problems but on the other side of the fence are those of us who try to do everything for the family member who is ill- driving them to doctor's appts, filling prescriptions, driving them to the hospital in the middle of the night and eventually dealing with the medical bills.  The hardest part, in regards to my situation, is that my husband continues to smoke.  He was diagnosed with diabetes about 7 years ago and since has been diagnosed with CHF, COPD and I think he is showing signs of kidney failure.  I think his mentality is that as long as he takes his medication everything will be fine.  Everything is not fine- his health is deteriorating more every day.  Currently he is working, which I am grateful for, but his hours were cut back about the time he was eligible to receive health insurance and he told me he was not going to sign up for the benefits as long as he is not working 40 hours a week.  I don't know what he is thinking!  So now he says he won't go see the doctor or go to the hospital because he does not have insurance.  I feel like I am literally holding my breath every day waiting for THE CALL.  The phone call that tells me something has happened to him at work or worse for the police to come to my work or our home to tell me he has been in a car accident.   I have been through so many feelings and emotions trying to sift thru this mess and my thought has finally rested on the fact that I am angry at him for not taking care of himself.  I feel like he has let me down.   He has been offered so much help to teach him how to live with diabetes and been given tons of info regarding quitting smoking but he says he like to smoke.  How am I supposed to feel?