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Topic : 12/29 "Is This Normal?"

Number of Replies: 493
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Created on : Thursday, October 20, 2005, 02:47:02 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Airdate 10/24/05) Do you have a really strange habit? Are you in a bizarre situation and think you’re the only one experiencing it? Monica and Joe call each other names like "fat ass" and "ugly." They love their bad banter, but wonder if it's influencing their young children in a negative way. Then, Mary's husband had a liver transplant, and his medical bills are putting a strain on their marriage. Is it normal for her to resent the financial burden, or is she just being selfish? Plus, a new mom wonders how to raise her 4-month-old with her nudist fiance. Talk about the show here.

 

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October 24, 2005, 8:21 am CDT

10/24 "Is This Normal?"

Roger would be far better off without his wife.  It made me furious to think that any person,let alone a wife, would behave like this.  

I know from my own experience that  health issues take their toll on the entire family. I became disabled 3 years ago, our income dropped substantially, but our family has never been closer.  My husband and 4 children ( ages 10-20) stepped up with emotional support, for not just myself, but each other; as well as financial improvising.  You do what you can to pay all the bills, they'll be there tomorrow............your loved one may not be. 

 
October 24, 2005, 8:22 am CDT

you hit the nail on the head

Quote From: usmcwf05

Hi, I just wanted to add that I don't think it is up to anyone, except for the people in the marriage, to decide what is accpetable.  My husband and  I have friends that, although at 1st we were surprised, we have come to accept as they are---afterall, they love each other very much.  They call each other more names that you can count and a lot worse than mentioned on this board and probably allowed.  If they feel OK with it and are not hurting each others feelnings---its just crude humor.  My husband and I have our own way of joking--though not so rough as our friends.  I'll be honest and, i'm speaking in generalities.....hispanics are USUALLY raised in a more open and humorous "land on my butt and laugh at myself" environment and we have no problem joking around unless we realize the receiving end is sensitive to the jokes.  I do feel something is wrong when you still make fun of someone knowing they dont like it....but if they see it OK, theres nothing wrong with it aslong as both parties are cool with it all.  My husband and I joke with each other with minor name calling as we laugh and joke but we keep ourselves in check---I think the problem is people with this kind of humor who dont know when to stop, or with who.
I guess I'm not as weird as I thought.........thanks
 
October 24, 2005, 8:35 am CDT

Money over health????

 I was so upset  when I heard the guest saying that she would not support her husband through his illness. Dr. Phil you were so right when you asked her if it would be any different if it were her who was sick instead of him. When  we found out my husband had cancer, I didn't care if we lost everything, we were going to do ANYTHING to get him healthy again, sadly, after seven months he lost his battle with cancer, I don't want his life insurance, I don't care about things, I would give anything to have him back, you don't know what life is like without him. Think hard about what you are saying when you are talking about your life partner. So sad to hear anyone even thinking like that.
 
October 24, 2005, 8:37 am CDT

I respectfully disagree

Quote From: celmom

  

I must have a different concept of "wittty" humor.  "Wit", as I have always understood it, requires  intelligence, keen observation, and  insight, with  the ability to think quickly.  Wit does not involve name calling, no matter how the less- than- flattering name is "delivered".    Name calling is too obvious a tactic to be classified as wit, although many people consider it funny.  (Many people, especially boys between ages of about nine to thirty, also consider flatulence and other body functions to be extremely funny .)  Making a "joke" at someone else's expense  (rather than your own) is cheap and immature.  Your name calling is meant as fun, and you sure don't sound mean-spirited.  However, don't be too sure that you have never hurt, embarrassed, or offended anyone.  There are those who  just "laugh along" in an attempt to avoid further embarrassment, rather than admit to being offended.   It's wonderful to be so outgoing and friendly, but be sensitive enough to pick up the non-verbal clues that reveal others'  authentic  feelings (to borrow a word from Dr. Phil).  As for those "funny" husbands who throw out insults in the guise of "humor"  - the wife (or other target) of the "jokes" should become deaf until he gets it.  Don't react at all, except with a blank stare.  Let his joke "bomb". 

I am very aware that the way you deliver a message is often the key to how it's received....if you tell someone to "go jump in a lake" they probably won't if they received the message light heartedly.  If you're stern and aggressive and tell them to "jump in a lake" they may turn around and think you're serious and don't want them around so the problem is how the person is receiving the message and comment.  If someone calls me a fat ass and I'm not fat, why think twice about it.  It becomes almost a personal security about one self I think if that person becomes devastated over a comment like that.  But again I truly believe that the way the person delivers it determines if they are serious or joking.  How the person receives it has to do with that person.  I don't play with people like that if they have a drier sense of humour or are down on themselves because I do consider the type of person that I'm talking to first. 
 
October 24, 2005, 8:46 am CDT

Mother and Uncle

The daughter is lucky she hasn't got kids!   

My mother hooked up with my fathers brother before his stone was on his grave!  She now lives 9 hours away and refers to his grandchildren as "her grandchildren".   

Last visit she went home early instead of spending a day with my kids to be with them. 

His grandchildren have multiple grandparents mine only have her, I guess reality is they don't have any. 

 
October 24, 2005, 9:04 am CDT

10/24 "Is This Normal?"

he just sit around doning dont try to go out and get a job and i need to no what to do i do every thing around the house iam getting sick of it
 
October 24, 2005, 9:08 am CDT

Have to agree with you

Quote From: gazzy55

what happens when the man you married won't stop smoking and it is causing big problems with his health. For the last 5 yrs he has said he is going to quit. He smokes between 2 and 3 pks a day. He knows the risks and there is nothing you can tell him that he won't agree to but he does not stop. He coughs so hard he falls down. He coughs so hard he has a seizure like activity. He coughs so hard he spits phlegm and drools. Yes this makes me upset. His dad had by pass surgery because of smoking. I have had family members die because of smoking. I'm sure that when the time comes and he needs expensive medical help I will resent it. He is bringing this on himself. Our sex life is ok but when the coughing starts and he has to stop am I suppose to be understanding? Any suggestions, I love this man and do not want to lose him but I know it won't be long and yes I am angry.
This is my second marriage.  When we married I didn't even know my husband smoked (cigars and he inhales)--he also failed to mention that he smoked weed and was addicted to pain killers.  At first I believed he was truly in pain, but when you see him go thru withdrawl every few months and "take to his bed for a week" forget it.  He quit weed a few years ago which saved a ton of money but now has replaced that with three acks of cigars a day.  I paid for his insurance after we got married--he wouldn't go to a regular doctor to see what was wrong just kept going to "pain management" doctors to get his drugs--he has no definitive diagnosis--he has had MRI's etc and nothing shows up. He enjoys smoking and really doesn't want to quit.  SO--I can tell you this, if he does get COPD or lung cancer and needs treatment it will be on him. I worked very hard for years as a single mom raising two kids and buying a house--I did not want to remarry and have someone who fails to take care of himself and spends tons of money on his pain meds and doesn't pay his bills.  He also has a history of heart problems in his family and knows that smoking is not good for that. If someone has a medical emergency totally out of their control that's one thing but when they purposely contribute to medical problems, I have little sympathy!
 
October 24, 2005, 9:18 am CDT

10/24 "Is This Normal?"

Quote From: nllough

 I was so upset  when I heard the guest saying that she would not support her husband through his illness. Dr. Phil you were so right when you asked her if it would be any different if it were her who was sick instead of him. When  we found out my husband had cancer, I didn't care if we lost everything, we were going to do ANYTHING to get him healthy again, sadly, after seven months he lost his battle with cancer, I don't want his life insurance, I don't care about things, I would give anything to have him back, you don't know what life is like without him. Think hard about what you are saying when you are talking about your life partner. So sad to hear anyone even thinking like that.

I was shocked at this guest, too (I've only seen a trailer so it may not be as bad as it sounds).  I can't imagine ever feeling like that -my husband's needs ARE my needs. I would work just as hard to pay for something he needed for his health as I would if my kids needed something.  

  

However, if the debt really is unmanageable on your current incomes, I would encourage you to consult someone about bankrupcy. It may not really change your lives much at all and will wipe out the debt.  I read somewhere that there is a healthcare costs related bankrupcy every 3 seconds in the US.  You won't be the first. 

 
October 24, 2005, 9:21 am CDT

Empathy

I think that all relationships require people to have empathy for each other. I don't believe in feeling sorry for someone or being unhealty but I do believe that a sign of maturity is when we can put ourselves in the shoes of someone else and understand their perspective.  

  

When we marry someone the vows are written the way they are for a reason. Do we all consider what that might mean? No but we should.  

  

As a matter of perscpective, my dad passed away eight years ago. He went through his initial diagnosis & treatment, had a heart attack, a heart bypass and metastatic relapse all over the course of 7 years. My parents were divorced and he had maintained a relationship with a former girlfriend over the years. His last year was a difficult one, filled with Dr. appointments and the understanding that we had exhausted all treatment options. A trip to the pharmacy cost at least $500 and we went twice a month. He never once mentioned how much things  cost. He'd have sold everything to get well. I would have done anything to help him. 

  

Long story short, when we finally brought him home and brought in hospice, the two people that were there for him was my mom and his previous girlfriend. My mom was there because he was our dad and when she married him way back when she made a commitment not only to him when they married but to her kids to be sure that he had a dignified passing. His previous girlfriend because she loved him like no one else had. Both of them had empathy for my brother and me and for him. It made a difficult situation more peaceful.  

  

grave illnesses give us an opportuntity to be better people.  

  

 
October 24, 2005, 9:24 am CDT

Mom & Daughter

I feel for the adult daughter whose mother is moving forward and apparently not aware that her daughter NEEDS her to assist with the grieving process. Moving forward for the mom is fine, but she seemed a little confused that her daughter has very great needs (for her mother and stability) at this time. We never stop being mothers, even when our children are grown. Hopefully this mother takes the time to stop and think that her daughter NEEDS her to help her thru the grieving process; losing Dad with Mom appearing to be clueless about her own daughter's true emotions is so sad. Please, Mom, don't go forward in your life at the expense of your child. Men and dating and the rest will always be there. Take it slow and make LOTS of time for your daughter at this time. God bless you all. I wouldn't want to be in your shoes.
 
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