Topic : 12/29 "Is This Normal?"

My  heart goes out to you. I really don't know why our spouses behave the way they do. Maybe they are worried to invest time and emotion into someone that might not be there for them in the future. Which i think is a crap excuse.  

I took our vowes seriously , for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickiness and in health to death do us part. 

I wish you the best of luck and try to be strong i know it is tough. I myself am loosing faith and strength and klingin on by a thread, can not take this  

Sympathizing and condoning her behavior is two different things. While I can sympathize how Mary or my husband may feel, I can't condone how they chose to express their anger, resentment or any other mixed bags of emotions they are feeling. In Mary's case, there may be some hope. Her and her husband are only a few months into their ordeal. Maybe Mary will chose to get therapy to address her feelings so she can express them in a more appropriate fashion. Hopefully, if the therapist is good, he or she can help Mary separate her feelings about her husband's illness and her feelings about her husband as a person. In my case, my husband isn't interested in getting help and we have been going through this for 10 years now. He is unwilling to acknowledge that his behavior isn't making the situation better nor is it conducive to helping me heal. I feel really bad for my husband (43) because he is stuck and wallowing in his immaturity. Both Mary and my husband are adults. There comes a time when one has to grow-up and realize that as John Lennon once said: Life happens when you have other plans. In regards to the overwhelming costs of health-care, it is truly a sad state of dis-repair. Yet, no one is truly interested in fixing the problem. As with anything, our government officials whether Democratic or Republican, would rather filibuster something to death or pick each other's plans a part and never get down to actually addressing the problem. And, who should they go after first? The doctors, clinics, hospitals, insurance companies, HMO's or the pharmaceuticals??? My feelings are pharmaceutical companies are worse than the local drug dealer on the street. The system is set-up so they can rip us off legally. They spend more money on advertising to the public and wining & dining the doctors in order to peddle their pills. They have to turn a profit in order to make their investors happy. The insurance companies are, also, out to make a buck, otherwise they wouldn't be in business. They deliberately make their policies so complicated that the individual who is sick can't make heads or tails out of what to do. You call in to get a pre-authorization or pre-certification and the first and last thing they say is they still don't guarantee payment. I understand there are people out there that try to take advantage of the system, but when you are faced with brain surgery or a transplant, what are you supposed to do? In my situation, I was told it was imperative I have the operation as soon as possible. I didn't have time to shop a around for a neuro-surgeon. The rich can afford the no-hassle policies. We can barely afford our premiums. Our deductible is ridiculously high and goes up, sometimes has doubled from one year to the next. Then we have the co-pays, the co-insurance and out-of pocket expenses. My first surgery was done out of network, so we paid more. I had one doctor refer to me as 'insurance poor'. That made me feel well. Then, I get real anger every time I go in for my after care because both hospitals closest to me are constantly remodeling or adding on. Ten years ago, my first MRI cost $1000. My latest one cost $2500. And, they used the same machine as the first one. It makes no sense. Right now I am of the mind set that if (& I am still young enough) if I get breast cancer or something equally bad, I am going to refuse treatment because not only do I not want to see my husband in the poor house, but I am tired of lining someone else's pocket. My thought is after I die and I get reincarnated, I am coming back to reform our health-care system. I guess I will get off my soap box now. Take care and stay healthy. J 

I think some of you are missing the point that Joe and Monica say they like to call each other names.  This obviously works for their relationship. I am going to guess when they call each other fat ass, neither of them are probably fat.  Also, it doesn't sound like it is one-sided, like some of the relationships you all are describing. If Joe was constantly telling Monica she was fat, stupid, lazy, etc. or vice versa ( and meaning it), it might be considered verbal abuse. But it doesn't sound like this is the case. We don't know these people, so "we" probably should be telling them the SERIOUSLY need to do anything. 

I understand how a wife can get "selfish" about her husband's medical bills.  We have been married 30 years and my husband has been on medical disability  (Social Security) for 21 of those years.  He had one heart attack before we were married and eight heart attacks, carotoid artery surgery, and two heart bypass surgeries, not to mention a hernia operation and gall bladder surgery since we've been married.  There has been no insurance for him since 1985 (one year from the date the disability started) and since he was so young, we could not get a medicare supplement policy.  When he became of age to get  a supplemental policy, his health was such that the premiums would have been unbelievable. 

After racing to meet ambulances from downtown, I quit my job and started a secretarial service out of our home so that I could be here for him.   The reason I am so frustrated and furious with this situation is that he will not follow doctor's orders, so his health keeps declining.  Right now is a very good example, the wind chill here is 28 degrees.  He has to wear a mask (along with his oxygen) from 32 to 45 degrees and is not supposed to be outside at all under freezing.  He is at this moment taking his mother to the grocery store, the drugstore, the bank, and any other place she wants to go.  She is another major bone of contention in our marriage.  He makes all my deliveries and pick-ups when it is above 45 degrees (he is paid) and I have to hire someone else to do it in the cold weather.   He just doesn't seem to get it! 

I know that I have made the mistake of feelng sorry for him because of his illness and when he really HAD TO HAVE a Lincoln, a boat, a truck, I signed the papers.  Those things are all paid for now, but that added to the $16,000 out of pocket for the first open heart and $60,000 out of pocket for the second one has just about done me in.  Our credit is pretty much now shot because I can no longer work 18 hours a day, seven days a week.  His prescriptions are $900 a month and his doctor bills are approximately $300 per month, all out of pocket.  

I have been to the doctor three times in the last twenty years.  I have high blood pressure (imagine that), but can't afford the medication or the doctor's visits to keep it monitored. 

I guess maybe I am selfish also, but what I feel are anger and resentment.  Not because of his health condition, but because he only follows doctor's orders when it is convenient for him (and his mother).  

Dr. Phil, 

     My name is Steve and I am just blown away by the comments made by the lady who was upset about the bills she and her husband had have to pay due to his transplant. I believe that if you aren't willing to do whatever it takes to keep the person you love with you, healthy and happy, you just don't know what the word "love" means. 

     This last March I lost my soul mate. His name was Tony and I would have died for him. Six months after we met he was diagnosed with A.I.D.S. and at that time I begged him to do whatever it took to give it to me so we would die together. Well, he loved me too much to do that, so I am still here...healthy. 

     We owned and antique store together and within a year we had to close it and liquidate the assets to pay bills. Within another year he was so sick that he couldn't take care of himself so I worked 40 hours a week at my job and and was with him every night, all night, and every weekend, all weekend, to care for him. This went on for nearly 10 years with no break of any sort...no vacations...no days off. 

     I came home one day to find Tony being taken away by a group from a nursing home. I was horrified to think that I wasn't doing a good enough job and became quite hysterical. Tony called my into the van and told me that he was doing this for me...he wanted me to be able to have a day off and some time to myself. It took me 3 hours to stop blubbering like and idiot and realize that he would get better care there by the professionals though I had to teach them allot about his care. He have 2 catheters,  a feeding tube and a lidacane drip for the pain, plus he was very atrophied in his left hand and foot due to Toxoplasmosis Encephalitis which hit him somewhat like a stroke. 

     I guess I have gone on way too long, but just wanted to let you know that we lost our business, our home (moved into an old mobile home where I still live) our S.U.V. was repossessed and I never once thought of complaining about taking care of him...NEVER CROSSED MY MIND! 

     You know what I do feel bad about?  I lost my soul mate! And now I am alone with no regrets of what I did when he got sick. 

Steve