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Topic : 12/27 Extreme Parenting

Number of Replies: 205
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Created on : Thursday, October 20, 2005, 02:56:10 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Airdate: 10/27/05) Parents want the best life for their kids and often go to great lengths to make that happen.But what happens when they get so demanding, they end up hurting the children they love? Michael says his wife, Anna, is so consumed by her dream of having their 7-year-old son become a cheerleader that it’s taking over their lives. Will Anna put her son's pompoms to rest? Then, a father hides a tracking device in his son’s car and gets more than he bargained for! Plus, Nathan and Julie’s marriage is on the rocks because they disagree over his military style discipline of her 12-year-old daughter. Is Nathan’s drill sergeant parenting done out of love or for another reason? Join the discussion.

 

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October 25, 2005, 8:09 pm CDT

Similar problem

Quote From: renobaby

Dear Julie, 

 I too have the same troubles.....I found your story remarkable, it sounded just like me!!! My kids are 16 and 18, so I've been doing this along time...I do applaud you for leaving...I always stayed because I thought it was better, having come from a broken home myself....but I don't see that it was. My kids hate their father and avoid him at every turn. And it's all my fault according to my husband...I don't ever see it his way...he's a A type personality, perfection always...I'm further down the alphbet somewhere....P probably. I too just want to see my kids happy, I think they're great kids..this is a tough time in both their lives he only makes things worse. My greatest fear is that I'll lose  them because of him! 

 Stay strong and I know the Doc will help us all,   I'll be glued! 

  

Hi, I too will be looking forward to this show.  I am a little different, my fiancee & I met 10yrs ago when my children were 10 & 13.  My kids have moved out & I now have 2 more - 5yrs&1yrs!!! & a new grandson!!!!  Anyways, my son & my fiancee still don't speak.  My son says they just don't have anything to say to each other - he comes for dinner & I notice a difference in my fiancee - he gets distant & moody!  Basically, he was very tough on my kids - chores & other things were commanded & not asked of.  My son ended up swearing & stuff!! & when I was away he moved out 2wks before graduation!  I have told my fiancee how this makes me feel how he doesn't speak to my son & he says he just doesn't care to associate with him!!!!  I am offended by this - he makes derrogatory comments to me & says he's just joking & I am sensitive!!  I do speak to him about this & he apologizes but basically I am frustrated at times but hten we do have some great times together as well!  I would hate to leave & be a single mom again & I don't feel that's an option - my daughter once said to me if I left now she would be pissed off because I should have left when they were at home!  I too don't want to feel like a victim - I know I have middle child syndrome - I like everyone to get along & I tend to put my needs on the back burner and put everyone above me.  I am working on that.  Again good luck to any other couples out there & any advice about my children's relationship with their step-dad?  My son says not to worry but I really notice it - he says at least they aren't fighting!!!  Thanks.
 
October 26, 2005, 12:44 pm CDT

Abusive Situation--Hello?!

Quote From: crybrameg1

Hi, I too will be looking forward to this show.  I am a little different, my fiancee & I met 10yrs ago when my children were 10 & 13.  My kids have moved out & I now have 2 more - 5yrs&1yrs!!! & a new grandson!!!!  Anyways, my son & my fiancee still don't speak.  My son says they just don't have anything to say to each other - he comes for dinner & I notice a difference in my fiancee - he gets distant & moody!  Basically, he was very tough on my kids - chores & other things were commanded & not asked of.  My son ended up swearing & stuff!! & when I was away he moved out 2wks before graduation!  I have told my fiancee how this makes me feel how he doesn't speak to my son & he says he just doesn't care to associate with him!!!!  I am offended by this - he makes derrogatory comments to me & says he's just joking & I am sensitive!!  I do speak to him about this & he apologizes but basically I am frustrated at times but hten we do have some great times together as well!  I would hate to leave & be a single mom again & I don't feel that's an option - my daughter once said to me if I left now she would be pissed off because I should have left when they were at home!  I too don't want to feel like a victim - I know I have middle child syndrome - I like everyone to get along & I tend to put my needs on the back burner and put everyone above me.  I am working on that.  Again good luck to any other couples out there & any advice about my children's relationship with their step-dad?  My son says not to worry but I really notice it - he says at least they aren't fighting!!!  Thanks.
     This may sound like a really stupid question--but if your fiance is as bad as you say he is, why is he still your fiance? You need to ask yourself some very important questions--what's it costing me and my kids to stay in this relationship? Is it worth the price? Am I better off with or without him? Right now, you are getting a preview of things to come if you marry him. So far, his abuse towards you and your kids has been verbal. What's to stop it from escalating to a physical level? His derogatory comments are not humorous, they're hurtful and disrespectful, as you have told him on numerous occasions. And why isn't it an option to leave and be a single mom again? Which would you prefer--to be happy alone, or sick with someone else? Every day, single moms are making ends meet, but more importantly, making a loving, nurturing home for their children. In 10 years, your fiance has not changed for the better; take the hint. Leave while you can; later on, he make it impossible for you to leave.
 
October 26, 2005, 1:34 pm CDT

PomPom Boy

Parents like this drive me nuts. I've been working with mostly young hockey players for the last 20 years, anywhere from 20 to 100 each season.  

  

Every year there's at least a few parents that can't separate their own goals and dreams of glory with what their child actually wants. I've seen kids put themselves in a position for injury because they don't want to be out there. Kids that never drop their heads at the blue line in practices will go out in a game and immediately drop their heads at the blueline and get concussed. Kids that have smashed themselves against the boards and destroyed their knees. The girl playing on a Bantam AA team because her mother says scholarship opportunities are better on the boys teams (not true), K. gets bruised and battered every game, the boys teams allow checking the girls teams don't. Many of them like playing but they don't want to play at a competitive level which only gets fiercer in the upper levels. Let them play Rec if they want but don't force them into an aspect of the game they have no interest in. 

  

Parents if the activity is not something your child is as passionate about as you are, accept it and find something else they want to chase as their dream . You can't force your passion on your kids, they have to find their own dreams. 

 
October 26, 2005, 2:22 pm CDT

And I thought I was alone...

I've been divorced from a man very similar to Julie's husband for ten years.  My thought at the time was that with leaving, I didn't want my son to grow up in this destructive environment.  He was very disrespectful to me as well.   

  

What I didn't think about was that my son would now have to cope with his father on his own.  It has evolved over time leading to physical injuries for my son.  Fortunately my son told me about everything and things were reported.  He now sees his dad with a court appointed supervisor.  And we are working with an attorney to get family counseling.  

  

All of the incidents of aggression have revolved around our son's mathematic abilities and his dad pushing him for perfection.   

  

My ex-husband's behavior is very dificult for me to understand and forgive so I am very interested in seeing what Dr. Phil has to say about Julie's husband. 

 
October 26, 2005, 7:52 pm CDT

Parenting......where is the instruction manual?

 I think that we as parents can go to the extreme  in a lot of ways....to strict, to leiniant, to aggressive, to passive, etc. etc. Sure wish we had an instruction booklet ! LOL. The bible is a great one but parents need to work together and stick together on all decisions.   

As far as the cheerleader...hmmm... I think that may be a bit extreme on moms case . I'm not saying it shouldn't be encouraged but come on, let the boy decide on something like that. Can you imagine the ridicule at such a young  and influencial age?  

As far as the hidden camera in the car...well dad what were you expecting? You must of suspected something or you wouldn't of secretly put it in the car. 

I am far from perfect though. My 10 and 13 year old step children  would refuse to to go to church with us and their mother expected us to RESPECT THEIR OPINION. While we do let them express their opinions,we just don't think they are old enough to tell us what they are going to do and not do. We compromised with them as far as telling them that they could sleep,draw,stare at their feet,etc while at church but their bodies would be there with us when they where at our house. The battle between them and their mother expecting us to allow them to do what ever they wanted and us to "respect them and their impericial beliefs" turned into a sad situation. We told the children they had to respect us,our rules and obey (of course we would compromise some things) or they could not come stay with us until they did. BTW, that was their dads decision and I stand by him. Long story short, we have not seen them in over a year now. We miss them and long to be with them and our 7 year old cries and wants them here but we alsofeel like we are doing the right thing and will not have two children at that age telling us what they will and will not do. WHAT DO YOU THINK? 

 
October 26, 2005, 9:50 pm CDT

10/27 Extreme Parenting

Quote From: wildtxrose

 I think that we as parents can go to the extreme  in a lot of ways....to strict, to leiniant, to aggressive, to passive, etc. etc. Sure wish we had an instruction booklet ! LOL. The bible is a great one but parents need to work together and stick together on all decisions.   

As far as the cheerleader...hmmm... I think that may be a bit extreme on moms case . I'm not saying it shouldn't be encouraged but come on, let the boy decide on something like that. Can you imagine the ridicule at such a young  and influencial age?  

As far as the hidden camera in the car...well dad what were you expecting? You must of suspected something or you wouldn't of secretly put it in the car. 

I am far from perfect though. My 10 and 13 year old step children  would refuse to to go to church with us and their mother expected us to RESPECT THEIR OPINION. While we do let them express their opinions,we just don't think they are old enough to tell us what they are going to do and not do. We compromised with them as far as telling them that they could sleep,draw,stare at their feet,etc while at church but their bodies would be there with us when they where at our house. The battle between them and their mother expecting us to allow them to do what ever they wanted and us to "respect them and their impericial beliefs" turned into a sad situation. We told the children they had to respect us,our rules and obey (of course we would compromise some things) or they could not come stay with us until they did. BTW, that was their dads decision and I stand by him. Long story short, we have not seen them in over a year now. We miss them and long to be with them and our 7 year old cries and wants them here but we alsofeel like we are doing the right thing and will not have two children at that age telling us what they will and will not do. WHAT DO YOU THINK? 

In your home they do have to abide by your rules and expectations. 

I'm a little touchy on the religion thing though. Unless they've been raised in your particular religion, 10 & 13 is a little late to start. Ex-husband tried that with our son and it didn't go well, they rarely speak now. You do not want religion to separate the kids from their dad and siblings. 

  

Perhaps a Saturday outing then they go back to their mom's?  

 
October 26, 2005, 10:21 pm CDT

10/27 Extreme Parenting

Quote From: toothwoman

I was just wondering why a mom would want her SON to be a cheerleader so badly?  Did she really want a daughter or something?
Let me get one thing straight...it is not my dream for my son to become a cheerleader, we just kind of fell into it,  and yes I have a older daughter. I put my son in cheer since we were always at the gym with my older one. He was only a year and a half and was able to keep up with the routine so I left him in.  Now he has just started expressing that he wants to take a break, but he goes back and fourth with his decision, so I never know when to believe him.  He has only had one incident with teasing two years ago, he was in kindergarten being teased by a 5th grader. Other than that kids really do not mess with him. Now my husbands fear is that eventually down the line he will get teased, but so far he has done okay, and we will cross that bridge if it ever happens.  He did a hip hop dance and tumble routine for the talent show and kids were impressed that he could flip and now bug him to do it at school.  And what is weird is since the show, he has been trying to master skills even harder now and my older one decided to get back into cheer. (She took her break last year) Go figure! Now what the show did not explain is that he is also in hip hop dance, baseball and now basketball. So no, cheer is not the only thing he is involved in. That is just the most time consuming since it is year round. My goal for him is to basicly keep it up and try to get a full scholarship from school if he chooses to go that route. I am not living out some fantasy, I was the child in the dirt growing up, and still hate girly stuff. Cheerleading is really growing and I would like for more guys to join to break that "it's a girl thing" attitude. And slowly more and more guys are joining.  Most of his coaches are male and said they got through school off of cheer scholarships. So if the kid has the skills, why not let him try to go all the way? Oh, and for the record...he does not, and never has had pom-poms in any routine! (That was quoted somewhere on this message board)  Thanks to his coaches that respect  a boy is on the team, they do not have girly music, and usually give him a guy part in the routine. He was "Elvis" a couple years ago. Thank you Amy and Nicole!
 
October 27, 2005, 12:05 am CDT

Military Tactics.

I am horrified that a father would treat his daughter like she was a Marine recruit!!!  The purpose of all the yelling and disciplinary tactics used in the Marines is to prepare the recruits for emotional stress in combat.  NO child should have to endure that!  BOTH of my parents are formerly active Marines.  They were a bit more strict but I never had to deal with anything close to that!
 
October 27, 2005, 1:56 am CDT

10/27 Extreme Parenting

never put your child through your extreme parenting styles or force your dreams on them.  that will drive them away from you.  if one day, your child packs up his/her belongings and is nowhere to be found....don't be surprised.  fact is, they probably got so fed up with you that they've come to the conclusion that they hate you and never want to see you again. 
 
October 27, 2005, 2:27 am CDT

Kids grow up in spite of us

Kids grow up in spite of us. The tracking device was a great idea. No offense to the kid, but obviously, the dad was right in believing that he couldn't trust the kid to drive safely, and the kid proved it.  Is it better to have the kid mad at you for a few weeks or dead from idiotic driving??? And now, the dad has to take away the vehicle- for the safety of everyone involved. Thats the way it is---100mph? geez.......
 
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