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Topic : 12/27 Extreme Parenting

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Created on : Thursday, October 20, 2005, 02:56:10 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Airdate: 10/27/05) Parents want the best life for their kids and often go to great lengths to make that happen.But what happens when they get so demanding, they end up hurting the children they love? Michael says his wife, Anna, is so consumed by her dream of having their 7-year-old son become a cheerleader that it’s taking over their lives. Will Anna put her son's pompoms to rest? Then, a father hides a tracking device in his son’s car and gets more than he bargained for! Plus, Nathan and Julie’s marriage is on the rocks because they disagree over his military style discipline of her 12-year-old daughter. Is Nathan’s drill sergeant parenting done out of love or for another reason? Join the discussion.

 

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October 27, 2005, 8:54 am CDT

Dad and Car Chip

Just yesterday evening (10/26), we placed my 23 year old niece in a nursing home 3 months after a devastating car accident.  Her boyfriend (the driver) was killed at the scene after they hit a utility pole head on.  She was thrown from the car, and she suffered brain trauma, along with a host of other nearly fatal injuries, including traumatic leg amputation.  She has not spoken, cannot eat, or do anything on her own, she is completely dependent of her caregivers.  All because of excessive speed in a vehicle.  So, to the boy who thinks it's fun and not dangerous, I invite you to come and look at my niece, as well as the families whose lives will never be the same due to this avoidable and intentional, careless act of speeding.  Thank goodness no other cars were involved in it.  If by chance her boyfriend consistently drove her car at excessive speeds revealed by a car ship, my sister would no doubt have insisted he not have access to the keys and possibly prevented this entire tragedy.  It may very well have been the only time he drove at this high rate of speed, but we will never know and will live in "if only" land forever..... 

  

Your father has the car chip in because he loves you and wants to keep you safe.  Facts are facts, these types of accidents due to speed are a reality.  Be thankful your father loves you. 

 
October 27, 2005, 9:00 am CDT

extreme parenting

Personally i believe that the woman who is wanting her son to be a cheerleader is doing some major damage to that kid.  Boys are suppose to play foot ball (i know this may be a little sexest but in some cases i think this is how it is suppose to be) if my son came up to me and said mommy, I want to be a cheerleader I'd probably faint, but I would let him do it.  I wouldn't push him to do it though.  As for the guy putting the tracking device in his sons car: WAY TO GO!  When my children start driving I will be doing the same thing.  Even when they go to school i plan on bugging them, because I have learned that teachers can be quite cruel themselves.  I know it may be an invasion of their privacy and I am only going to do it through their elementary school years.  Now as for the drill instructor dad, I know from experiance that this is not a good way to raise children.  I was raised that way and as soon as I turned 18 I left my mom's house and was unable to go to college, I even had a hard time graduating from H.S. because they wanted to throw me out b/c I wasn't living at home anymore.  Luckily my grandmother adopted me (I thought it was stupid to have to adopt an 18 year old but oh well) and put me back into school. 
 
October 27, 2005, 9:04 am CDT

Go DAD!!

Quote From: atlswan

I think you had every right to be concerned about your son. I was in shock reading your post about how his friend drove so recklessly...especially when he knew you were watching! I applaude you for stepping up and laying down the law. 

  

I guess what really blew my mind was the friend's response about how driving 100 mph was "nothing" and that "if it's your time to go, it's your time." OH MY GOSH! Did he really believe that or was he trying to act cool for the camera? Surely he doesn't want his parents to attend his funeral so early in his life. Geez... 

  

I guess I shouldn't be surprised since young people for decades have thought they were going to live forever and nothing could hurt them. Heck, I felt that way myself to a point. It's one thing to drive like a freak but as Dr. Phil pointed out, it is usually other innocent drivers that pay the price for this. Also, it's been proven time and again that the teenage brain does not have the matuirty of a driver in their 20s. Their judgement isn't quite there yet. That's why I think teenage driving should be fairly limited, especially at night. My niece started driving this year and she sticks close to home. 

  

  

Some of your son's friends may think that when it's your turn to go you do, but have they thought that maybe they wont go till they are 82?  Do they want to live the rest of their lives as a vegetable?  What if it's not their time and they are seriously hurt is it worth it?  In just five weeks 6 people died in our area.  One of those was my best friend.  She was speeding and missed a stop sign.  She was then broadsided and was killed.  She has four kids all under the age of 7.  Was it worth it? NO 

Two of the people killed before her were hit by a speeding teenager.  Was it their time?  One person killed was a teenager who was killed when he couldn't stop in time and a semi ran up OVER top of him.  Two more young people died recently when they lost control of their cars.  It probably wasn't their time either, but they made those decesions for themselves. Does this kid want to be next?   It doesn't just hurt the person who caused the wreck, it hurts everyone who knew those involved.  Maybe he should think about it next time he gets in his 'speed machine'. 

 
October 27, 2005, 9:05 am CDT

10/27 Extreme Parenting

Quote From: irishmom

 I think the key is compromise.  My husband wants our daughters to take piano lessons because he believes it's a good skill to have and you can use it in church.  My oldest daughter doesn't want to play piano, she wants to learn the guitar.  I said "what about a compromise?"  You can take a year of piano and learn some basic skills, and after that year, if you still want to play guitar instead, then you can.  That seemed to be something everyone was happy with.  Of course we can't afford ANY music lessons right now, but next year when we can, at least we have game plan.  I don't think a child should be pushed to fulfill their parent's dreams.  Our children have their own dreams and we should be encouraging them to follow them.  If you missed out on your dream as a child, then you need to rectify that yourself.  Don't try to live the life you wished you had through your children. 

If you missed out on your dream as a child, then you need to rectify that yourself. 

  

 

Well put.  It's interesting how parents will try to push their child to do something that they wish they did when they were a kid.  Like music lessons for example.  At a nearby music shop in my town there is an instructor there that teaches the fiddle and most of his students are adults.  If these parents regret not doing something when they were a kid then they should give it a go now.  They just might like it! 

 
October 27, 2005, 9:30 am CDT

Big Sigh!

Quote From: julie42

  

  

Extreme Parenting: 

My story is the one featured on the Oct 27 show, and my daughter and I are still living apart from my husband.   Doing the show was enlightening, and I have since read Dr. Phil's book Family First.   

I wished we could work it out, but the show did not cover all of the issues our family has faced, there just wasn't time.   

One point that did not come up is that my husband "talks" to me in the same way he was to my daughter, and he claims that I have an unbalanced "filter system" emotionally which makes me perceive his aggressive approach to dealing with every aspect of our lives in an exaggerated sense.  I just didn't really know, to be honest.  All I knew for sure is that I was constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to make him angry over anything, afraid I'd say something wrong unknowingly and make him angry.   

Oh, believe me, I don't think that everything wrong in our relationship is entirely his fault.  I also know how important discipline, and consistency are for a child.  I admit that I have been more passive in my approach to dealing with my daughter - perhaps, over-compensative for the stress of dealing with his anger.  And I know that it only creates more confusion in a child's mind.  I think Dr. Phil is right on, parents need to be a TEAM, and focus on the needs of a child together, believing in the approach to discipline in the same manner and backing each other up.   When a child knows what to expect then it seems much less likely to be a matter of contention, and, a child would be less likely to "play off" one parent on the other- which I am sure we all can relate to one way or another!!     

I was confused and uncertain about what was going on for so long.  When you live with someone who seems to be angry all the time, who tends to focus on all your negative points, constantly corrects you, constantly criticizes you and belittles you, then says it is all in humor and to get over being so sensitive...well, I had to wonder, IS it me?  AM I the problem here?   

I wonder if there is anyone else out there who struggles with this kind of situation.  All that matters to me is that my daughter has a happy stable home, and knows that she is loved, knows that she is safe and protected, and that she can depend on her parent(s)!  No one is perfect, for sure, and I don't ever want to be perceived as the "victim" in a perpetual way, we all have the capacity to manage our lives, basically.  Part of what motivated me is the realization that I have in many ways, lost my "Self"; and as Dr. Phil says, we must keep and protect this personal identity within.  We must do this in order to survive emotionally, and certainly we must take care of our selves so that we can take care of our children, and our relationships.   

So, I hope that perhaps my story can inspire someone who may be in doubt about what is right, as I have been.  I know that my husband cares about us both, in his way, and that he believes he is right.   I absolutely respect him as a veteran and for his service to this country in the military.  He often compares himself to the character in the movie "The Great Santini" about a marine corps sergeant...if any of you out there have watched that movie then you have a good notion of how my husband is.  I also admit it took a great deal of courage for him to do this show, so...we take it one day at a time, and I am devoted to rebuilding my life, and that of my daughter. 

Wish us luck.  My thanks to Dr. Phil and the producers of the show. 

Julie42 

Julie, 

This sounds so much like my husband, minimizing my 

feelings and verbally abusing all of us. Saying that I  

am too sensitive. 

When I married him he had 2 children and one was 

just a baby, her mother died on childbirth. He has such 

anger towards this precious child. She is now 7 and 

she is afraid of her dad, he doesn't hit her but he is 350 lbs 

and he gets in her face and is very mean. He calls her names 

like cow and pig. 

I have talked to a psychologist about what to do and he tells 

me that i just need to be there for her and let her know that  

he is wrong and to just be a support to her. I have explained 

to him that he cannot do the things that he does to her or 

any of the other children. 

One time things got so bad and my oldest daughter moved out  

and lived with her dad (and she hates him). I told him that 

I can not live like that and that I would be gone if he continued. 

He has been much better and made some improvements. 

But still the fear that has been planted in my 7 yr olds heart 

is still there.  

There are 4 kids all together but he seems to single out the 

7 yr old. I realize that there are a lot of things he must be going 

through, but I can' t let that excuse his behavior of abuse on 

any of us. 

I have not seen this show yet, but I think you have alot of  

courage and I hope that whatever happens you can make  

peace with yourself. You are trying to make a difference in 

your own life and the lives of many here. Thank you so much! 

  

mj 

 
October 27, 2005, 9:42 am CDT

10/27 Extreme Parenting

Quote From: jbettinger

I watch the show everyday and this is the first time I have been so angry that I had to post a message. What was Dr. Phil thinking or should I say not thinking! I just knew that he was going to tell the father to TAKE THE KEYS AWAY!!! I guess now when he crashes and kills himself, his friends and maybe another whole family that just happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time atleast he will have the "chip" in the car so the police and his father will know how fast he was going! Do parents think it is NOT their responsibility to keep innocent drivers from getting killed by teens who are irresponsible wreckless drivers? The sad part is that he does not even think there is anything wrong with driving at excessive speeds! I have four children from ages 18 to 8 and I would take those keys away so fast their heads would spin if I even thought one of them was driving in an irresponsible manner. I did not even hear any mention of a punishment that was handed out after the discovery of how he is driving. Let us not forget that driving is a priviledge not a right!! I wonder if the father realizes that it will be himself that is sued for alot of money when his son who is driving his car kills someone!!  I do not know where they live but I hope it is not anywhere near me and my family! 

I'm with YOU on this one. If a child can not be trusted in a car, and proves s/he cannot be trusted, then take the car away. Put a 'club' on the steering wheel if you have to, but don't let that child drive. It could kill or maim him or her, it could kill his or her friends, it could kill MY children as they walk along the road or stand talking in a parking lot.  

  

Maybe taking the car away won't teach the child to be a responsible driver. But just letting it happen isn't a option either.  

  

Get the child a tough defensive driver instructor and make him/her pass the course. Take him/her to a morgue to see some accident victims. Get psychological help for the child if needed. But don't let him/her use the car as a weapon to kill him/herself and others.  

 
October 27, 2005, 9:49 am CDT

Curfew for Young Drivers

Quote From: atlswan

I think you had every right to be concerned about your son. I was in shock reading your post about how his friend drove so recklessly...especially when he knew you were watching! I applaude you for stepping up and laying down the law. 

  

I guess what really blew my mind was the friend's response about how driving 100 mph was "nothing" and that "if it's your time to go, it's your time." OH MY GOSH! Did he really believe that or was he trying to act cool for the camera? Surely he doesn't want his parents to attend his funeral so early in his life. Geez... 

  

I guess I shouldn't be surprised since young people for decades have thought they were going to live forever and nothing could hurt them. Heck, I felt that way myself to a point. It's one thing to drive like a freak but as Dr. Phil pointed out, it is usually other innocent drivers that pay the price for this. Also, it's been proven time and again that the teenage brain does not have the matuirty of a driver in their 20s. Their judgement isn't quite there yet. That's why I think teenage driving should be fairly limited, especially at night. My niece started driving this year and she sticks close to home. 

  

  

In my province, young drivers are not allowed to be on the roads after 12 midnight. I LOVE that law. It means that I don't have to set a curfew and put up with whining. 'Aw muuummmmm, can't I stay out later just this one night..???' The law sets the curfew and everyone has to abide by it. In addition, young drivers can only carry a limited number of passengers and can lose their license if they are caught speeding.  

  

My son grumbles, but I just think about my friend Neil. At my son's age Neil thought he was invincible in a car. He'd speed everywhere and we loved it. Middle of the night, flying down the highway, screaming out Stones songs.  

  

Then one October night Neil and two other boys hit the guardrail. When they reached the car Neil's head was lying in the backseat on the lap of one of his friends. The other boy in the front seat died of crush injuries. Only the traumatized friend in the back seat survived. I don't want to picture my son in ANY of those positions in that car.  

 
October 27, 2005, 10:06 am CDT

Silly me

Quote From: wildtxrose

It's all a  bit deeper than just church/religion. However, both children go to or have gone to church with their mother and grandmother (my husbands mom). They have had no problem with "church". It's just been our church. We believe in raising our hands and praising God and they don't. Don't get me wrong...there is no screaming and running down the isles . Their grandmother comes and visits our church and loves it. Their mother, in her thinking, encourages the children  that what we do at our church is wrong. She has told them that we are a cult,etc. She can believe what she wants but we do not force the children to raise their hands or anything. We just expect them to be at church with us when they are at our house. Besides that,if we did let them stay home, their mother would call CPS on us as she has done before. A lot of the problem has to do with a very angry and vingful mother of the children.

I thought religion was about bringing people together not driving them apart as seems to happen so often when one attempts to force-feed their views and beliefs on others. 

  

You have to figure out which is more important: Having a relationship with the kids or having two more disciples in your church.  

  

Your posts are sounding more like a control issue between the kids mother and yourselves. You may or may not win this battle eventually but the kids will be the losers in the long run.  

  

Religion is not the appropriate place to conduct warfare. The kids will learn more by how you live your life up to those beliefs than through sermonizing and force-feeding. 

  

I wish you well, I don't want to see you ending up with the same situation my ex and our son have, they seldom speak or see each other. Find a compromise or you're going to have the same situation eventually. 

 
October 27, 2005, 10:28 am CDT

Extreme Parenting

First of all, the first guest on the show, just because this guy was in the military does not mean he should run the household like that and be Mr. Big shot drill Seargant. Good grief, grow up. 

The last guest, I think its great what you are doing, however, it seems like your son is not mature enough to handle the responsibility of a drivers license, nor is he ready to drive. He should take drivers ed again. If I were a parent, if my childs maturity level was where it should be, I might consider it, but if I see they are not ready for it, then I will have them wait until they are much older and can handle the responsibility.  I would take the keys away and not let him drive if he is going to go way over the speed limits that are assigned out there.  

 
October 27, 2005, 10:40 am CDT

Way to go, Dad!

I think the car chip is an excellent idea, and that young man made it perfectly obvious why.  When all those kids said "When your time is up, it's up, it doesn't matter how fast you're going," I was amazed.  They may be right on that point, but didn't they ever think about what would happen if their time isn't up?  Not all car crashes end in death.  They can also end in paralysis, permanent brain damage, a lifetime of pain, etc, etc.  I have a girlfriend that got in a car accident 15 yrs ago, the car was going about 75.  She was in a coma for 5 weeks and still walks with a limp to this day, plus she suffered minor permanent brain damage, she learns and speaks slower than before the accident.  Those kids need to wake up!
 
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