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Topic : 12/27 Extreme Parenting

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Created on : Thursday, October 20, 2005, 02:56:10 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Airdate: 10/27/05) Parents want the best life for their kids and often go to great lengths to make that happen.But what happens when they get so demanding, they end up hurting the children they love? Michael says his wife, Anna, is so consumed by her dream of having their 7-year-old son become a cheerleader that it’s taking over their lives. Will Anna put her son's pompoms to rest? Then, a father hides a tracking device in his son’s car and gets more than he bargained for! Plus, Nathan and Julie’s marriage is on the rocks because they disagree over his military style discipline of her 12-year-old daughter. Is Nathan’s drill sergeant parenting done out of love or for another reason? Join the discussion.

 

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October 27, 2005, 11:09 am CDT

I've been your daughter

Quote From: mjkkas

Julie, 

This sounds so much like my husband, minimizing my 

feelings and verbally abusing all of us. Saying that I  

am too sensitive. 

When I married him he had 2 children and one was 

just a baby, her mother died on childbirth. He has such 

anger towards this precious child. She is now 7 and 

she is afraid of her dad, he doesn't hit her but he is 350 lbs 

and he gets in her face and is very mean. He calls her names 

like cow and pig. 

I have talked to a psychologist about what to do and he tells 

me that i just need to be there for her and let her know that  

he is wrong and to just be a support to her. I have explained 

to him that he cannot do the things that he does to her or 

any of the other children. 

One time things got so bad and my oldest daughter moved out  

and lived with her dad (and she hates him). I told him that 

I can not live like that and that I would be gone if he continued. 

He has been much better and made some improvements. 

But still the fear that has been planted in my 7 yr olds heart 

is still there.  

There are 4 kids all together but he seems to single out the 

7 yr old. I realize that there are a lot of things he must be going 

through, but I can' t let that excuse his behavior of abuse on 

any of us. 

I have not seen this show yet, but I think you have alot of  

courage and I hope that whatever happens you can make  

peace with yourself. You are trying to make a difference in 

your own life and the lives of many here. Thank you so much! 

  

mj 

Julie- 

I've been your daughter and you need to protect your daughter from ever having contact with that man again. My mom's husband was much like your husband, and my mom was much like you. My mom was fairly passive in her discipline, but she did teach us right from wrong. She lacked confidence in her ability to parent. I can't tell you how badly I wish my mom had kicked him out the day he stepped out of bounds. You need to protect her from him and you need to work to figure out why you would accept someone like him into your and your daughters lives.  

  

I resented every day that he was in our house, disciplining my brother and me, telling all of us what was wrong with us, that until he came along we had no structure and that we were lucky we had him to 'fix' us.  

  

All that your husband is doing is creating a situation where your daughter is going to feel like she is inadequate, unlovable and unworthy of being treated well. It's a very dark road for a young woman that feels that way about herself. She is more likely to become a smoker, drug & alcohol user, she is more liekly to become involved with a man that is also physically and emotinally abusive and a man that uses drugs. She is more likely to not go to college and struggle with school.  

  

If you never spoke to him again it would be the greatest gift you could give your daughter. It took me YEARS of therapy to undo the damage that was done. To this day when I hear my step-dad's name the hair on the back of my neck stands up.  

  

  

 
October 27, 2005, 11:10 am CDT

Teen driving

After a rash of deaths involving teen drivers in Summer 2004, Colorado passed a bill with further restrictions and requirements on teen drivers. It became effective July 1, 2005. In short teen driver now have to hold their learners permits for 1 year vs 6 months under the old provisions. Teen drivers may not have anyone under 21 years old in their vehicle until after they've had their license for 6 months then they're limited to one passenger. The restrictions have only been in place a few months so its too early to tell how well they're working though this summer passed with only a few deaths, single deaths vs 4, 5 and 6 at a time. Might be worth considering whether your particular states should follow suit to protect your young drivers. 

  

Follow the links below for specific information: 

Over view of requirements 

http://driversed.com/DMV/colorado-GDL.aspx 

New restrictions 

http://www.revenue.state.co.us/mv_dir/wrap.asp?incl=FAQdrli/faqdrli27 

Permit modifications:
http://www.drivereducationinabox.com/colorado/drivers-ed.php 

House Bill 1017 has made several changes in the law relating to the licensing age of minors. These include the following: 

Anyone under age 18 must have their permit for one year before being eligible for their license.
A minor may obtain the permit at age 15 only if the minor is enrolled in an approved driver education course (such as Driver Ed in a Box®).
A minor may obtain a permit at age 16 without driver education.
Regardless of when a minor obtains a permit, the minor must have the permit for 12 months before being eligible for licensing.
 

 
October 27, 2005, 11:28 am CDT

Yes!

Quote From: milwife8

I think the car chip is an excellent idea, and that young man made it perfectly obvious why.  When all those kids said "When your time is up, it's up, it doesn't matter how fast you're going," I was amazed.  They may be right on that point, but didn't they ever think about what would happen if their time isn't up?  Not all car crashes end in death.  They can also end in paralysis, permanent brain damage, a lifetime of pain, etc, etc.  I have a girlfriend that got in a car accident 15 yrs ago, the car was going about 75.  She was in a coma for 5 weeks and still walks with a limp to this day, plus she suffered minor permanent brain damage, she learns and speaks slower than before the accident.  Those kids need to wake up!

I think  you're absolutely right. I couldn't believe he said it either. Do his parents know he thinks this way? I hope he never drives in my city. He may think it's "his time to go" but it isn't mine or my family's time! 

  

As it was with my own generation in the 80s, many teens are usually thinking about themselves and living in th moment. They (not all but a lot of them) just don't think about the consequences of their actions. As you've pointed out, it can affect someone's life forever.  

 
October 27, 2005, 11:55 am CDT

10/27 Extreme Parenting

Quote From: wyldcelt

After a rash of deaths involving teen drivers in Summer 2004, Colorado passed a bill with further restrictions and requirements on teen drivers. It became effective July 1, 2005. In short teen driver now have to hold their learners permits for 1 year vs 6 months under the old provisions. Teen drivers may not have anyone under 21 years old in their vehicle until after they've had their license for 6 months then they're limited to one passenger. The restrictions have only been in place a few months so its too early to tell how well they're working though this summer passed with only a few deaths, single deaths vs 4, 5 and 6 at a time. Might be worth considering whether your particular states should follow suit to protect your young drivers. 

  

Follow the links below for specific information: 

Over view of requirements 

http://driversed.com/DMV/colorado-GDL.aspx 

New restrictions 

http://www.revenue.state.co.us/mv_dir/wrap.asp?incl=FAQdrli/faqdrli27 

Permit modifications:
http://www.drivereducationinabox.com/colorado/drivers-ed.php 

House Bill 1017 has made several changes in the law relating to the licensing age of minors. These include the following: 

Anyone under age 18 must have their permit for one year before being eligible for their license.
A minor may obtain the permit at age 15 only if the minor is enrolled in an approved driver education course (such as Driver Ed in a Box®).
A minor may obtain a permit at age 16 without driver education.
Regardless of when a minor obtains a permit, the minor must have the permit for 12 months before being eligible for licensing.
 

I don't know about anyone else but I think that 16 year olds shouldn't be driving at all.  They should change it so that you have to be at least 18 to get a license for any vehicle.
 
October 27, 2005, 12:41 pm CDT

Um, Whats that you say, Doc?

 "his 'gyro' goes off and he lands gay?"  Dr. Phil just cracks me up!   I don't mean to make light of this poor little guy's problem.  I hope that his mother gets a look at what most of us see. This is another form of abuse. Its amazing what parents will do to their kids when they see them as a 'reflection' of themselves instead of unique individuals. I think it might be sensible for this mom to ask if the end result will be worth the pain that  her family is enduring. 

 
October 27, 2005, 12:44 pm CDT

age change

Quote From: outsider1

I don't know about anyone else but I think that 16 year olds shouldn't be driving at all.  They should change it so that you have to be at least 18 to get a license for any vehicle.

Some states have tried to raise the age of licensing in the past, the bills have died in their infancy from parental pressure. The main argument has been better to issue licenses at 16 while the teens are still under their parents legal control than turn them loose at 18. Makes sense on the surface but how do we effectively keep our kids from behaving stupidly behind the wheel? I don't think there is one single answer to the problem. 

  

I do agree with you that it makes more sense but I don't see it ever happening. I believe more and more restrictions will be placed on them until such a time that the death/accident rates go down particularly among young males. Mortality rate for 15-19 yr old males is 3 times the rate for females of the same age, most of which are from traffic accidents.  (That info is from a University of Michigan  study available online at the Evolutionary Psychology website)  

  

 
October 27, 2005, 12:44 pm CDT

Copy of Contract Featured on Today's show

Can someone from Dr.Phil Show post the verbiage from the "contract" between the extreme parent and the child here?
 
October 27, 2005, 12:50 pm CDT

no idea

Julie, We had no Idea nate was this way, we will keep you i  our prayer and remember to be strong!!! 

  

The Busbee and Yager Family

 
October 27, 2005, 12:56 pm CDT

I Totally agree

Quote From: golden1

     This may sound like a really stupid question--but if your fiance is as bad as you say he is, why is he still your fiance? You need to ask yourself some very important questions--what's it costing me and my kids to stay in this relationship? Is it worth the price? Am I better off with or without him? Right now, you are getting a preview of things to come if you marry him. So far, his abuse towards you and your kids has been verbal. What's to stop it from escalating to a physical level? His derogatory comments are not humorous, they're hurtful and disrespectful, as you have told him on numerous occasions. And why isn't it an option to leave and be a single mom again? Which would you prefer--to be happy alone, or sick with someone else? Every day, single moms are making ends meet, but more importantly, making a loving, nurturing home for their children. In 10 years, your fiance has not changed for the better; take the hint. Leave while you can; later on, he make it impossible for you to leave.

It took me 16 years to leave.....but In my situation, (and I'm sure many womans) I was scared of two things. 

  

#1.  Doing it on my own.. Mentally and Physically 

  

#2   Doing it on my own... Financially. 

  

With him I was still living paycheck to paycheck - but I was able to provide for my children in that we lived in a nice house, they had nice clothes & shoes (not expensive but nice) we could go and do and we had a lot of fun together.  I thought I could be the buffer and make thing right for them after he's been overly strict and critical. Nothing any of us did was right or good enough.  I couldn't even drive the correct route to pick him up. 

  

Fortunately my children, although I'm sure they are somewhat scared, are well adjusted happy young adults moving on with their lives.  My daughter is a SGT in the 82nd airbourne in Afghanistan - has 20-25 jump under her belt and loves it.  My son is working hard and just recently out on his own.  I'm very proud of them, but blame myself for staying in such an unhealthy relationship for so long and fear they will follow my footsteps. 

  

We have a very important job as parents to raise and protect our children and we can't do a good job of that if we're being verbally abuse daily 

  

Julie said.... "I think that there's a better way to live than to be constantly arguing, and constantly fighting and angry with each other over issues that could just be discussed,"   that is exactly how I felt... and whether it is alone or with someone else.  IT IS BETTER!!! I know.  I've been out for three Tuesday and I'm soo much more heathly both mentally and physically! 

  

I'm surprise Dr. Phil didn't use my favorite line of his.  cause I'm sure if a perfect stranger talked to Julie and her daughter in that manner he wouldn't tolerate it... So why is it ok for him? 

  

Great show today!  Thanks Dr. Phil and producers 

 
October 27, 2005, 12:58 pm CDT

I do understand.

Quote From: julie42

  

  

Extreme Parenting: 

My story is the one featured on the Oct 27 show, and my daughter and I are still living apart from my husband.   Doing the show was enlightening, and I have since read Dr. Phil's book Family First.   

I wished we could work it out, but the show did not cover all of the issues our family has faced, there just wasn't time.   

One point that did not come up is that my husband "talks" to me in the same way he was to my daughter, and he claims that I have an unbalanced "filter system" emotionally which makes me perceive his aggressive approach to dealing with every aspect of our lives in an exaggerated sense.  I just didn't really know, to be honest.  All I knew for sure is that I was constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to make him angry over anything, afraid I'd say something wrong unknowingly and make him angry.   

Oh, believe me, I don't think that everything wrong in our relationship is entirely his fault.  I also know how important discipline, and consistency are for a child.  I admit that I have been more passive in my approach to dealing with my daughter - perhaps, over-compensative for the stress of dealing with his anger.  And I know that it only creates more confusion in a child's mind.  I think Dr. Phil is right on, parents need to be a TEAM, and focus on the needs of a child together, believing in the approach to discipline in the same manner and backing each other up.   When a child knows what to expect then it seems much less likely to be a matter of contention, and, a child would be less likely to "play off" one parent on the other- which I am sure we all can relate to one way or another!!     

I was confused and uncertain about what was going on for so long.  When you live with someone who seems to be angry all the time, who tends to focus on all your negative points, constantly corrects you, constantly criticizes you and belittles you, then says it is all in humor and to get over being so sensitive...well, I had to wonder, IS it me?  AM I the problem here?   

I wonder if there is anyone else out there who struggles with this kind of situation.  All that matters to me is that my daughter has a happy stable home, and knows that she is loved, knows that she is safe and protected, and that she can depend on her parent(s)!  No one is perfect, for sure, and I don't ever want to be perceived as the "victim" in a perpetual way, we all have the capacity to manage our lives, basically.  Part of what motivated me is the realization that I have in many ways, lost my "Self"; and as Dr. Phil says, we must keep and protect this personal identity within.  We must do this in order to survive emotionally, and certainly we must take care of our selves so that we can take care of our children, and our relationships.   

So, I hope that perhaps my story can inspire someone who may be in doubt about what is right, as I have been.  I know that my husband cares about us both, in his way, and that he believes he is right.   I absolutely respect him as a veteran and for his service to this country in the military.  He often compares himself to the character in the movie "The Great Santini" about a marine corps sergeant...if any of you out there have watched that movie then you have a good notion of how my husband is.  I also admit it took a great deal of courage for him to do this show, so...we take it one day at a time, and I am devoted to rebuilding my life, and that of my daughter. 

Wish us luck.  My thanks to Dr. Phil and the producers of the show. 

Julie42 

  I lived with a man who was abusive in a similar way. He didn't call me names per se, but he found another way to control things. If there was an argument, he would threaten to pack his bag and leave  if it didn't go HIS way (and so did so many times) It got so that I would stuff all my frustration and anger down and then blow my top when I couldn't take it anymore. Yes, I doubted myself CONSTANTLY and felt like I was  the cause of all our problems. When we finally split for good, I was like a wild animal let out of a cage., I really told him what I thought of him BIG TIME and then wound up looking (once again) like a raving maniac who was to blame.   Is anyone taking care of YOU as well as your child? I sure hope so because I'll bet you've got a load to bear as well. I wish you all the best
 
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