Topic : 12/27 Extreme Parenting

 I think that we as parents can go to the extreme  in a lot of ways....to strict, to leiniant, to aggressive, to passive, etc. etc. Sure wish we had an instruction booklet ! LOL. The bible is a great one but parents need to work together and stick together on all decisions.   

As far as the cheerleader...hmmm... I think that may be a bit extreme on moms case . I'm not saying it shouldn't be encouraged but come on, let the boy decide on something like that. Can you imagine the ridicule at such a young  and influencial age?  

As far as the hidden camera in the car...well dad what were you expecting? You must of suspected something or you wouldn't of secretly put it in the car. 

I am far from perfect though. My 10 and 13 year old step children  would refuse to to go to church with us and their mother expected us to RESPECT THEIR OPINION. While we do let them express their opinions,we just don't think they are old enough to tell us what they are going to do and not do. We compromised with them as far as telling them that they could sleep,draw,stare at their feet,etc while at church but their bodies would be there with us when they where at our house. The battle between them and their mother expecting us to allow them to do what ever they wanted and us to "respect them and their impericial beliefs" turned into a sad situation. We told the children they had to respect us,our rules and obey (of course we would compromise some things) or they could not come stay with us until they did. BTW, that was their dads decision and I stand by him. Long story short, we have not seen them in over a year now. We miss them and long to be with them and our 7 year old cries and wants them here but we alsofeel like we are doing the right thing and will not have two children at that age telling us what they will and will not do. WHAT DO YOU THINK? 

On the whole church issue... 

I think its very sad that you have a little one crying for the missing siblings!  :(   Personally, I wouldnt let anything like that come between myself and my children.  Sorta seems, by the way you are describing it, that its a matter of "being right" for you all.  While you can stand your ground and have the knowledge that you are "right" it still doesent allow those children to be parts of your lives.  And in actuality, what it is probably doing, is just turning them away from the whole church idea even more.  After a year of seperation, they probably feel incredibly slighted, ignored, disrespected, and as if you and your husbands religion is more important then they are.  If you think about it, wouldnt the best way to teach them your beliefs be to show them by actions that you love and care for them and desire them to be with you?   I would think if you continued to stand your ground on this issue, you would only be doing the exact opposite of your intentions.  That you would in fact be pushing them farther and farther away from any of your beliefs!   

So I would say give up the whole right and wrong thing and bring those children back into your lives.  All of those three children are suffering because your husband wants to be right instead of having happy children.  I think thats a good example of "extreme parenting" and find it very very sad!  :( 

Hope you find some peace and resolve this situation!  Good luck! 

Extreme Parenting: 

My story is the one featured on the Oct 27 show, and my daughter and I are still living apart from my husband.   Doing the show was enlightening, and I have since read Dr. Phil's book Family First.   

I wished we could work it out, but the show did not cover all of the issues our family has faced, there just wasn't time.   

One point that did not come up is that my husband "talks" to me in the same way he was to my daughter, and he claims that I have an unbalanced "filter system" emotionally which makes me perceive his aggressive approach to dealing with every aspect of our lives in an exaggerated sense.  I just didn't really know, to be honest.  All I knew for sure is that I was constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to make him angry over anything, afraid I'd say something wrong unknowingly and make him angry.   

Oh, believe me, I don't think that everything wrong in our relationship is entirely his fault.  I also know how important discipline, and consistency are for a child.  I admit that I have been more passive in my approach to dealing with my daughter - perhaps, over-compensative for the stress of dealing with his anger.  And I know that it only creates more confusion in a child's mind.  I think Dr. Phil is right on, parents need to be a TEAM, and focus on the needs of a child together, believing in the approach to discipline in the same manner and backing each other up.   When a child knows what to expect then it seems much less likely to be a matter of contention, and, a child would be less likely to "play off" one parent on the other- which I am sure we all can relate to one way or another!!     

I was confused and uncertain about what was going on for so long.  When you live with someone who seems to be angry all the time, who tends to focus on all your negative points, constantly corrects you, constantly criticizes you and belittles you, then says it is all in humor and to get over being so sensitive...well, I had to wonder, IS it me?  AM I the problem here?   

I wonder if there is anyone else out there who struggles with this kind of situation.  All that matters to me is that my daughter has a happy stable home, and knows that she is loved, knows that she is safe and protected, and that she can depend on her parent(s)!  No one is perfect, for sure, and I don't ever want to be perceived as the "victim" in a perpetual way, we all have the capacity to manage our lives, basically.  Part of what motivated me is the realization that I have in many ways, lost my "Self"; and as Dr. Phil says, we must keep and protect this personal identity within.  We must do this in order to survive emotionally, and certainly we must take care of our selves so that we can take care of our children, and our relationships.   

So, I hope that perhaps my story can inspire someone who may be in doubt about what is right, as I have been.  I know that my husband cares about us both, in his way, and that he believes he is right.   I absolutely respect him as a veteran and for his service to this country in the military.  He often compares himself to the character in the movie "The Great Santini" about a marine corps sergeant...if any of you out there have watched that movie then you have a good notion of how my husband is.  I also admit it took a great deal of courage for him to do this show, so...we take it one day at a time, and I am devoted to rebuilding my life, and that of my daughter. 

Wish us luck.  My thanks to Dr. Phil and the producers of the show. 

Julie42 

Dear Julie: 

I haven't even seen the show yet and my heart is breaking for you and your daughter. I think you are very courageous to have separated from your husband, knowing how hard that had to be. Having read your post, knowing that he is also talking to YOU as he does your daughter, I can see even more that you were wise to step away. 

My father was in the military in the years before I was born. He was not as tough on us as your husband is on your daughter. I never faced the wall. However, he had a problem with anger. When he got mad, he yelled and did on occasion get in my face. There were many times I, too, walked on eggshells around him. My sister would yell back at him. But Mom and I were too scared.  

To this day, if my husband yells at himself (he never yells at me) for doing something boneheaded, I flinch and flash back to those days. At times, I have difficulty expressing my feelings to him because I'm afraid my husband will get mad (again, he never has) and yell at me. So the memories do have power. 

I loved my father very much. He died a terrible, slow death from a terminal illness. After I grew up and left home, he began to let go and we eventually made peace. But it took a few years in therapy for me to sort it all out and to realize I could be confident in myself, that being yelled at was not normal. 

I say all this to tell you that while discipline is important, love is, too. Your daughter needs to know that she is loved unconditionally, even if she messes up. I never had that. And your husband is conveying a totally opposite message. He's telling her he'll love and accept her IF she does certain things. That is a terrible way to grow up. Believe me, I lived it. You don't want her to have to go through that. YOU don't deserve to be talked to in that manner, either. You deserve unconditional love, too. Your "self" is too important to lose. Don't let him take that from you. 

Believe me, I am not an advocate of divorce. I hope you are all able to work this out and to make the necessary changes. But if not, don't let it go on. You and your daughter are worth more than that. 

       I Only wish we had devices like carchips 20 years ago.  Being a single Mom, I had a tendency to be very adamant on the safety of my children.  I would always drive my son and his friends where ever they wanted to go and I would take my son to pick up his girlfriend and take them home.  One particular night his friend wanted to drive him and his girlfriend the 45 miles to her house, my answer was no.  I had seen this young man drive before and it was a very scary sight.  My son was a little put out with me, but did not argue.  On our way over his friend and passengers were following us.  During the ride this young man preceded to drive at a high rate of speed, passing us on a double line, on a blind corner, blowing his horn, waving, yelling (at night) and just barely making it back in our lane with an oncoming car in the other lane.  We reached our destination my son asked to ride back with the other friends.  My answer was yes and you are now saying she has lost her mind.  Not so.  I told my son that his friend was to stop a short distance down the road for a small chat.  (I will not embarrass anyone including a young person in front of others).  When they stopped, I took the young man aside and asked him if he really thought his driving warranted my allowing my son to ride with him?  He would be risking my son's life as well as his own and the lives of others with his recklessness.  I was entrusting a precious life to his care and I expected him to respect that trust.  I then did let my son go with him and later learned that that little chat caused them to drive 45 mph all the way home and anytime he was in the car with them after that.  My son has also always been a very careful driver since the age of 16. 

     It's worth being strict and inventive for their safety.  Keep up the good work. 

Dear Julie: 

I haven't even seen the show yet and my heart is breaking for you and your daughter. I think you are very courageous to have separated from your husband, knowing how hard that had to be. Having read your post, knowing that he is also talking to YOU as he does your daughter, I can see even more that you were wise to step away. 

My father was in the military in the years before I was born. He was not as tough on us as your husband is on your daughter. I never faced the wall. However, he had a problem with anger. When he got mad, he yelled and did on occasion get in my face. There were many times I, too, walked on eggshells around him. My sister would yell back at him. But Mom and I were too scared.  

To this day, if my husband yells at himself (he never yells at me) for doing something boneheaded, I flinch and flash back to those days. At times, I have difficulty expressing my feelings to him because I'm afraid my husband will get mad (again, he never has) and yell at me. So the memories do have power. 

I loved my father very much. He died a terrible, slow death from a terminal illness. After I grew up and left home, he began to let go and we eventually made peace. But it took a few years in therapy for me to sort it all out and to realize I could be confident in myself, that being yelled at was not normal. 

I say all this to tell you that while discipline is important, love is, too. Your daughter needs to know that she is loved unconditionally, even if she messes up. I never had that. And your husband is conveying a totally opposite message. He's telling her he'll love and accept her IF she does certain things. That is a terrible way to grow up. Believe me, I lived it. You don't want her to have to go through that. YOU don't deserve to be talked to in that manner, either. You deserve unconditional love, too. Your "self" is too important to lose. Don't let him take that from you. 

Believe me, I am not an advocate of divorce. I hope you are all able to work this out and to make the necessary changes. But if not, don't let it go on. You and your daughter are worth more than that.