Topic : 12/27 Extreme Parenting

Doctor Phil. I just wandering why would there be a 07th year old want to be a cheer leader squard? I thought that girls or women were cheerleader, Speaking for Dad Drill Sergeant to a 14th year----- oldgirl is a no no. As for a teenager Dad put chip in a t6eenager car is ok by me. See you tomorro- 

w Afternnon. Well I had better close now. Sincerley Your. Russell

I posted several messages on my board, and it may seem like I was angry with you...I don't really know you so please understand that I've been on both sides of the fence. I was married to a passive male parent, and I had to take ALL the responsibilities for the children (his, mine, ours), for the household and finances and it nearly drove me out of my mind! My husband was more a problem child than the children, and his siding with his kids (especially his daughter who was very precocious), made matters even worse. For example, when we lived in El Toro, CA, there was a rash of kidnapping of young girls. When my stepdaughter asked to go to her friends house, and I asked her to be home by a certain time, it was for her protection! One time, she didn't listen to me, and as a parent I WAS FRANTIC about her whereabouts! When the MP's finally found her, I was like any mother torn between angry and relieved, yet, my husband blamed ME for her being gone, never once took it upon himself to discipline HER for not listening to parental rules!  

Another guy I dated was just about as bad. He expected my kids to clean up after his kids when they'd come on their weekend visits, and yup, you guessed it, I was the one to had to discipline them. His 2 boys? Drugs and alcohol...wrecking cars, other bad behavior.  

You're right...you're too passive. You are your daughter's mom...not her buddy. If you don't start NOW to explain to her that dirty dishes are NOT allowed in the bedroom, and other stuff, then she will never learn good habits for her adult life! Was your husband's method extreme...maybe for you, but you accepted him as your husband, you knew he was a Marine, and you should understand that he KNOWS it's a very very scary world out there for these kids!  

She's 12 now, but without some in-house discipline, where will your daughter be in 3-5 years?  Do you think that your daughter's potential husband wants a wife who's like that? Just understand, be strong. 

To the DAUGHTER: 

I know your stepfather seems to have some outlandish, what you think are 'cruel' ways of getting you to do stuff around the house. You're a big girl now, and you must learn some things in life in order to make it through this tough life. Yes, cleaning up after yourself is one of those things...just DO IT when you're told, and quit trying to pit your mom and dad against each other. My daughter has been doing her own laundry since age 9 - wash dry fold and put away. She takes the trash out each week for pick up - without being told. She likes to have a clean house when her friends come over, and does not let her friends mess up the house. There are rules here. She volunteers for different causes. I don't force her to do a lot of stuff; we usually share a lot of tasks. Some of our best talks together have been while baking or doing dishes!  I spanked my boys with a belt when they were 13 and 16 respectively for tickling their sister until she cried. This is NOT about being a bully to you, it's about your dad wanting you to learn things that will help you in life! You have to learn to respect your parents as your PARENTS, not as your buddy. Life is tough out there, and if you think being an almost-teen is tough, well, just wait. Most of all, learn to respect yourself! 

About the man who put the chip in his son’s car. I really don’t understand why he just did not take the keys of the vehicle once he found out that his son was driving at such excessive speeds. My friend was 17. He died May 23rd of this year. He drove a dodge neon and was going 75+ mph when he was reaching for his cell phone and had a head on collision with a cement truck. He was the type of person who could make you smile no matter what kind of mood you were in. He never said anything bad about anyone. He also like the guys on the video said, " if it is your time to go then it is your time to go." This was just a tragic way for him to go. This is my link to my page of him... it has pictures of his car and him along with other things if you would like to view this. I really wish the boy who was driving 100+ on the show to look. Http://hometown.aol.com/hugsnsmooches07/inmemoryofjosh.html.  

I'd just like to go on the record saying that I'm 1000% on Robyn and Julie's side on this one!  I've had my own experiences with this type of situation ...my mom met a real winner (note the sarcasm) via the internet and moved to California along with my younger sister to live with him.  I'm over 18 and though I planned to move, I ended up staying here (Greg didn't want me there ...which I now know why) ...anyway to make a long story short, @$$hole Greg is a controlling P.O.S. and he started trying to change all of my mom's rules with my sister ...when she's allowed to date, how much makeup she can wear, etc. The creep even wrestled her to the ground on two occasions! My sister lasted 2 weeks (to the day) in Los Angeles because Greg had her on a plane back here for a "two week visit" because he couldn't handle that she "threw a (plastic) hanger" at him. It didn't even him and she wasn't even aware he was in the room and just happened to throw it over her shoulder when she was going through her closet. I had to drop out of college because two weeks has turned into a permanant situation where he (and now my brainwashed mother) thinks it's acceptable for me to work full time, maintain our house, pay all the bills and play mommy! ...Only the joke's on him because I plan to go to school in NYC next fall and I can't afford to take my sister with me. 

I've wandered slightly off topic. Believe me though, I've given this bastard the verbal tongue lashing of his life ....twice actually!!  He better just be happy that I can't afford airfare to L.A. anytime soon, because I've already promised him that for what he's put this family through, I WILL kick his *** and not hold back.  It is nothing short of BULL for another person to step in and try to dictate the lives of children that do not belong to them.  I'm turning 19 on Monday (10/31)  and I'm still suffering on that jackasses behalf. 

To Robyn...I'm sorry you've been subjected to that. That's completely WRONG! 

To Julie ...kudos to you for walking out, too bad you didn't do it sooner though. 

~*Kristin ...AKA Zivanka 

Julie, 

You should be proud of yourself for not tolerating your husband's behavior any more. Walking around on eggshells is no way for you or your daughter to live.  

There is a book called The Verbally Abusive Relationship. I wish I could remember the author...Evans may be her last name. At any rate, I think it would be a very helpful book for you. Verbal abuse may not leave physical marks, but the emotional scars are indescribable. You are not over reacting or being too sensitive. PLEASE read the book. You are a role model for your daughter and the barometer she will use  to guide her relationships with men. 

Best of luck to you. 

My father was the same. He expected me to be a little soldier, I wasn't allowed to 'cop an attitude' (the term wasn't known then, I guess it's something cool you learned in the army) with him but he was allowed to run me down, call me every name he could think of or make up, run down my friends and cousins, he could run down everyone else right in front of me, he could say horrible things about my beautiful mother (she's deaf, so she didn't know and I didn't dare tell her). He got the inch away from my face and yelled (sorry...what was it...assert your voice?) until I thought he was going to have a heart attack, one time it was because I had the AUDACITY to have a seizure when he was alone with me.  I didn't have the touching advantage that if I was nice he'd give me a hug (oooh daddy, thou are just toooo kind!) I am your daughter, 27 years from now... 

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Get away from me and stay away. I can't stand the look of you, I can't stand the smell of your clothes, your breath, the feel of your breath on my face, the closeness of you. I couldn't even stand the smell of food cooking because that meant you were coming home and I had to sit at supper with you while you shouted at me, wagging your fork, food flying from your mouth...I wasn't hungry too often but you made me sit there while everyone else ate. You gave me hell for sleeping under my bed when the reason I did that was because I wanted to get away from everything, you just bought me a bed that was too low to get under. You were a cancer. The worst kind because I couldn't hack you off and throw you away. There were no medicines I could take to be rid of you, you just ate away at everything I was.  I still hate the sound of your voice.  I hate the smell of you, I hate the smell of food cooking but you know what...daddy-o? I made a liar out of you. Because I'm still here. 

I live alone. Perhaps it's because you said I was such a slob that nobody would love me. I'm not a slob, I'm not diligent about puting things away but it's not dirt (I don't like cooking smells in my house so I don't cook a lot) but mostly it's because my best memories were not spent in a house full of people, they were always when I was alone. I love my independance. YOU, on the other hand couldn't live alone because you never did. You went from mummy, to navy, to wifey and when mum goes out of town, she makes you little TV dinners because she knows you're helpless without her.  

I have a job. I have HAD a job since 1980. Took a year off because you finally caused me to go mental but I worked my way back and I've had a job ever since. I take HOME $2500 a month. So much for your telling me I wasn't going to amount to anything. I must say, I've surprised myself there, not bad for an high school drop out is it? 

In the past three years, people I don't even know (Dr. Phil included, as well as many people on this message board) have taught me things that if you DID try to tell me, I couldn't hear it for the shouting and saliva hitting my face. Maybe they're all teaching me the same things you figured I was too stupid to learn that you had to say everything over and over again.  

So now all of a sudden in family outings, you make like I'm your pride and joy. We all know the truth, daddy-o, you're not fooling anyone. You spent 18 years telling everyone what you really thought of me, do you think THEY forgot? Any time we're out and you figure you're going to put your arm around me, I let you, but I cringe. I'll play nice for mum and the others but you showed me all along that you feel I'm not worth anything., you reinforced it at top volume every day, do you think *I* was deaf, too? 

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So, Sargeant Dad...I hope you enjoyed your tour into the future. I hope Robyn will take it a bit better than I did. It took 'til I was 30 to learn that my dad was the toxin, there was nothing I could do about it. and then another 5 years or so to learn to keep it in when I was in company and write it down and burn it when I couldn't handle it anymore. Mostly, I had to learn to make a family out of friends and strangers because I knew they could love me more.  

I flipped past  Dr. Phil tonight but stopped when I caught the father of that kid saying cheerleading would "turn" his kid gay.  The kid looked like he was pretty talented to me and I had to wonder where his Joe-Six-Pack of a Dad got the idea cheering was  "gay"?    

My best friend in High School was on the Gymnastics team.   He could do back flips on the beach.    

When we got to college, girls literally swarmed all over him...(and he liked it).   :o)  

Granted, that kid shouldn't have to do anything he doesn't want to do... but if we truly are our father's sons... let's hope his Dad learns encourage him in ANY activity in which he excels.  

Good luck kid.