Topic : 12/27 Extreme Parenting

Julie42, 

Much luck to you and to the others that might be thinking of leaving an abusive environment.  That is what an environment of "having to walk on eggshells, of having someone around who focuses on her negative points, constantly corrects you and criticizes you," is.  Your self esteem slowly erodes, because he always seems to have an argument for his behavior, like when he gets mad at YOU for having any sort of emotional response to something he might say or do.  It is like this type of man can't handle any emotions coming from anyone but himself, and those emotions should be on the forefront for all to see, to predict, and to cater to.  And somehow, over time, we start to believe them. 

I had the courage to finally leave my ex, with nothing but the clothes on my back and my young son.  After contacting the police department, I found that the time that 911 had been called, but no charges pressed and then we got back together, didn't count.  Then my ex tried to destroy my reputation and created all sorts of scenarios where I was an "unfit" mother and tried to take my child from me.  He was so protective of our "family" life that very few had ever seen his controlling behavior, and to those that had and had mentioned it, I had DEFENDED him.  Such was my conditioning.  So many horrible, odd and completely untrue things were said and, you guessed it, a custody battle started. 

Ladies, before you leave these men, make sure you save those nasty emails, get a tape recorder and tape his abusive behavior.  If he threatens you physically, get out, but make sure you follow through with police reports, etc.  Because he will take your leaving as PROOF that he was right about you.  You ARE mentally unbalanced (becauses he can't deal with your emotions and you have had little or no emotional support for so long now, in fact, he has probably eroded any network you may have had by alienating friends and family, or even moving you to secluded area.)  You ARE an alcoholic if you enjoy a beverage or two.  You ARE cheating on him if you have friends that happen to be male.  When you leave, he will become more dangerous than ever.  He will want to PROVE his is right, probably more to himself than to others.  Then, the lawyers at both ends will paint a "worst case scenario" picture of divorce and he will go for your juggular, then you will feel as if you must do the same.  If at all possible, and the pathology of your partner permits, please DO get into a co-parenting program.  Some courts make it mandatory for divorce cases with high conflict.  This program saved my life and made it possible for us to finally co-parent without harming our son. 

They call these men Narcissists.  Do a web search and see if you are with one. 

During it all, remember that home IS a place where you should be safe to be yourself.  To cry if you feel sad, to grieve, to heal.  It should be a place where dancing is not frowned upon, and friendships aren't threats.  It is okay to forego doing the dishes and to roll on the floor and tickle your kids.  It is your right, and it is your children's right to be loved no matter what.  No matter if they screw up 18 times in one hour.  The behavior is to be dealt with, not the person inside.  We are all beautiful beyond belief, inside, and it is our task to remember that when we feel like we have failed, that we are somehow irretreivable flawed, when we start to believe what an abusive partner tells us. 

I say this to myself as I say this to you, because I am still struggling to get back what I somehow gave away to that man I thought was the love of my life.   

All in all, Dr. Phil IS right.  It is better to be healthy alone (even if you are scared, you are broke, you feel like you can't do it all) then to be sick with someone else (even if he paid all the bills and ran the place like a military joint where the laundry was always done and everything was always in its place.) 

Just make it a SAFE place.  Safe to talk, to plan, to dream, to hope, to dance, to even be scared, but leave that scary stuff outside.  It is SOFT inside.  But watch out, Mama, cuz you and I both have to watch out for being TOO soft, especially if there is shared custody involved.  They come home with tales of too many rules, of a harsh tone of voice, or a scared feeling that made them go to their rooms until the other parent was "nice" again.  We run the risk of trying to make up for what we know they must be going through.  We must remember to give them structure, to be their parent and not their friend.  They won't always know what is best for them and before we reach out to make it all "okay" for them, make sure that there isn't a lesson that they need to learn in order to become their best selves. 

Good luck, Julie.  Keep up the good work.  Be proud you had the courage to get out.  To those that are still in, beware, be aware and be careful.  Do what is best for your children and yourself. 

It is always interesting to watch the shows and hear what some people say and think and most of the things I can't say much because I am not in a relationship or have children, but the child who was driving the car at over 100 miles an hour??? HELLO!!!!  I totally support the fathers actions, but I would have taken it further.  My mother and father have always taught me that some things are a priviledge and not a right.  So if I had done something like that with their car, it would not be my priviledge until they thought it was time for it.  And it would not be easy to get it back, driving only with them in the vehicle-- embarassing for any teen trying to be cool-- and major punishments and extra chores. And any sass about it during the lose of use extended the sentence. 

Please tell me that child is not driving unsupervised, even with that chip in the vehicle. 

Julie, 

I applaud you for your courage. I, myself, became divorced over this very issue. My ex-husband was always angry because he could not "control" my daughter. My daughter, an offspring from a previous relationship, who was 9 years old when we got married, and had no respect for him. He simply insisted on "ordering" her around. No matter how hard I tried to communicate these issues, I could not get him to understand he could not get along with his own daughter under the same circumstances. The question he could never answer was "what made him think his methods would work with my daughter?" His own daughter was 13 years old when we got married. Another problem was that his daughter "did no wrong" but my daughter was "always" wrong no matter what the issue.  

After 9 years of marriage, I finally said enough was enough. Although I thank the Lord that we settled amicably and without lawyers, I am more thankful that my daughter and I are now living in peace. 

I have read all of Dr. Phil's books and recommend them highly.  

God Bless, 

Cindy 

Julie, 

I applaud you for your courage. I, myself, became divorced over this very issue. My ex-husband was always angry because he could not "control" my daughter. My daughter, an offspring from a previous relationship, who was 9 years old when we got married, and had no respect for him. He simply insisted on "ordering" her around. No matter how hard I tried to communicate these issues, I could not get him to understand he could not get along with his own daughter under the same circumstances. The question he could never answer was "what made him think his methods would work with my daughter?" His own daughter was 13 years old when we got married. Another problem was that his daughter "did no wrong" but my daughter was "always" wrong no matter what the issue.  

After 9 years of marriage, I finally said enough was enough. Although I thank the Lord that we settled amicably and without lawyers, I am more thankful that my daughter and I are now living in peace. 

I have read all of Dr. Phil's books and recommend them highly.  

God Bless, 

Cindy 

Extreme Parenting: 

My story is the one featured on the Oct 27 show, and my daughter and I are still living apart from my husband.   Doing the show was enlightening, and I have since read Dr. Phil's book Family First.   

I wished we could work it out, but the show did not cover all of the issues our family has faced, there just wasn't time.   

One point that did not come up is that my husband "talks" to me in the same way he was to my daughter, and he claims that I have an unbalanced "filter system" emotionally which makes me perceive his aggressive approach to dealing with every aspect of our lives in an exaggerated sense.  I just didn't really know, to be honest.  All I knew for sure is that I was constantly walking on eggshells, afraid to make him angry over anything, afraid I'd say something wrong unknowingly and make him angry.   

Oh, believe me, I don't think that everything wrong in our relationship is entirely his fault.  I also know how important discipline, and consistency are for a child.  I admit that I have been more passive in my approach to dealing with my daughter - perhaps, over-compensative for the stress of dealing with his anger.  And I know that it only creates more confusion in a child's mind.  I think Dr. Phil is right on, parents need to be a TEAM, and focus on the needs of a child together, believing in the approach to discipline in the same manner and backing each other up.   When a child knows what to expect then it seems much less likely to be a matter of contention, and, a child would be less likely to "play off" one parent on the other- which I am sure we all can relate to one way or another!!     

I was confused and uncertain about what was going on for so long.  When you live with someone who seems to be angry all the time, who tends to focus on all your negative points, constantly corrects you, constantly criticizes you and belittles you, then says it is all in humor and to get over being so sensitive...well, I had to wonder, IS it me?  AM I the problem here?   

I wonder if there is anyone else out there who struggles with this kind of situation.  All that matters to me is that my daughter has a happy stable home, and knows that she is loved, knows that she is safe and protected, and that she can depend on her parent(s)!  No one is perfect, for sure, and I don't ever want to be perceived as the "victim" in a perpetual way, we all have the capacity to manage our lives, basically.  Part of what motivated me is the realization that I have in many ways, lost my "Self"; and as Dr. Phil says, we must keep and protect this personal identity within.  We must do this in order to survive emotionally, and certainly we must take care of our selves so that we can take care of our children, and our relationships.   

So, I hope that perhaps my story can inspire someone who may be in doubt about what is right, as I have been.  I know that my husband cares about us both, in his way, and that he believes he is right.   I absolutely respect him as a veteran and for his service to this country in the military.  He often compares himself to the character in the movie "The Great Santini" about a marine corps sergeant...if any of you out there have watched that movie then you have a good notion of how my husband is.  I also admit it took a great deal of courage for him to do this show, so...we take it one day at a time, and I am devoted to rebuilding my life, and that of my daughter. 

Wish us luck.  My thanks to Dr. Phil and the producers of the show. 

Julie42