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Topic : 10/31 "Spoiled and Entitled?"

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Created on : Friday, October 28, 2005, 02:09:21 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

Are we raising a generation of ungrateful children? Sabrina and Jessica say they have the most spoiled nephews in North America. They get every toy they ask for -- all they have to do is whine. Their sister, Melissa, says her sons aren't spoiled, they're just kids who like toys. Are her sisters just jealous of her lifestyle? Next, Dori admits that her 13-year-old son, Parker, is spoiled. Parker says he won't take no for an answer, and even has a strategy for getting everything he wants. Then, Joan says her 14-year-old daughter, Jacquie, is a snob, and her need for trendy clothes is turning her into a materialistic monster. Can Dr. Phil help Jacquie change her ways? Plus, Lauren spends her entire paycheck shopping, but with no money in her checking account, she worries that she could be headed for trouble. Her mom, Diane, says she's not worried, it's just Lauren's way of relaxing. Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

 

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November 1, 2005, 9:44 am CST

10/31 "Spoiled and Entitled?"

Quote From: ricschic

My five yo is the  youngest of four.  He was born when I was 42, and my youngest at the time of his birth was 11. His siblings are a LOT older than he is. I'm able to afford more for him than I could when the others were young. Maybe b/c you had to times everything you bought by three. That's partially the reason. I'm in a better financial position than then, also. I'm not rich by any stretch of the imagination, but I can pay my bills and have a few hundred left over. That's not counting what I set aside for groceries, emergencies, gas...etc. The few hundred is  money to blow. I could save it, true...but I like to buy things. Maybe b/c I couldn't before and now I can. I tend to buy my little one something every time we go shopping. It doesn't matter that it might be a toy from the dollar store. He still gets something. My defense has always been that he's a good boy, and doesn't act like a spoiled brat. Well, I don't like what I saw today. I'm going to do things differently.  I like what another poster suggested about giving an allowance and having them save towards something they want. My son asks for *everything* he sees on the commercials. Time to teach a different lesson. The only thing...in a small town, and even in not so small towns, kids DO have to wear certain brands of clothing..whatever the other kids are wearing. They are ostracized otherwise. I couldn't afford those name brand clothes for the other kids...the had to wear stuff from Wal Mart or KMart. For their birthdays I would buy more expensive clothing..but the generally I couldn't shop there for their clothes. They WERE looked down upon, and made fun of b/c of it. That doesn't speak much for their peers, it's just how things are though. Now that they're out of school, it's interesting to run ito those same kids who are now working at walmart. Things change. But when you're in school, you have to maintain a certain image or risk being cast out. I don't want that for my little boy. When he came home from PRESCHOOL and said that a little boy was making fun of his shoes b/c they weren't Nikes, we went to the shoe store the next day and bought a pair of Nikes. He's worn them twice...but they're there if he chooses to wear them. His favorite are a pair of hiking boots that were bought at Payless. And a light up pair of Arizonas from Penney's. Just goes to show...at this age, name is nothing. But let someone say so, and it becomes very important. Apparently this kids' parent told him that there was something special about Nikes, therefore something special about him for wearing them. I'm not about to let my little boy be made to feel inferior just b/c he isn't wearing the right brand of clothes. Wrong of me? Maybe. I don't know. I'm just going on past experience and what my other kids went through. I'm putting the brakes on the toys, though...tomorrow.....lol..

I'm not about to let my little boy be made to feel inferior just b/c he isn't wearing the right brand of clothes.  

  

Don't you see that when you ran out to buy the nikes because of some off hand remark by some kid you robbed your child of a lesson?  You are teaching him about his own intrinsic value.  He could have learned that he isn't inferior - that he is more than good enough all on his own.  Instead,  you taught your son that you believe that he has to buy acceptance.   

  

This isn't the only shot you get. Every day is another chance to teach your child what he needs to know. 

 
November 1, 2005, 9:57 am CST

10/31 "Spoiled and Entitled?"

Quote From: natashaj20

 As I've gotten older, I've realized that my parents taught me an extremely useful phrase:  "We can't afford it."  When I was a child, that phrase meant death to my hopes of having this toy or that, but when I married, I began to use it myself.  I never heard that phrase today on the show.

My parents did give me an allowance, they paid my tuition, room and board, but they made it clear that if I spent all my allowance, then I had to do without until the next installment came.  This is the kind of education that many so-called adults today never had, and is perhaps one of the most important lessons we can have.  It was as a result of this lesson that my husband and I lived on his pay and banked mine, eventually paying for our first home.

That doesn't quite work when you really can afford it.  I have to admit that we could afford to give our kids more material wealth than every parent on that show.  We just don't.  Our children know  that we have a plan for them.  We are not doing what we do because of circumstances.  We are doing what we do based on principle we believe in. 

  

My children know what we are preparing them for.  They also know why we say no to them.  The lesson we want them to learn is clearly stated to them so they can't miss it. I believe that we should tell them what we are going to teach, teach it and then tell them what we expected them to learn :) 

 
November 1, 2005, 10:16 am CST

She can survive!!

Quote From: sashacat

I have the exact problem with my daughter, who will soon be 18.  She's an only child and we don't have much family that we can count on except us.  (My husband, daughter and me).  We too have spoiled our daughter, buying her most everything she wants.  We have always been able to give her everything.  Her father has always told her "your only job is school".  She has done well, not exceptional but  very well.  I worry all the time that she will always have to depend on someone, either us as her parents or find someone rich.  I have preached to her that we will not always be there to support her.  She has to learn the value of a dollar, earn her own money, and make it on her own.  She has no concept of what it takes to do this.  I just don't know if or when she will ever learn this.  Any suggestions? 

Hi!! 

  

Like your daughter, I am an only child.  I'm 25 and I love my family.  I was spoiled as a child, but I was also taught the value of what true love is.  In addition to being an only child, I was also an only GRANDchild.  That made things doubly difficult on my parents when they were trying to teach me about the things that were truly precious.  When I was 9, we were one of thousands of families affected by the 1989 recession.  We were hit again by the recession of '91.  It was then that I learned what "no" really meant.  It didn't mean "We don't love you".  Instead, it meant, "I want to buy you everything in this world that you want, but it just isn't humanly possible".  I began to learn the value of a dollar.  On Sunday mornings, I helped my Daddy clip want ads and tape them to a legal pad, and then I would help my Mom cut coupons and organize them in her coupon book.  Later in life, this would prove to be HIGHLY effective.  I learned how to do my own laundry at 11, so when I went to college 13 hours away, I was LITERALLY the only girl on my floor who knew how to separate and measure and what cycle to set it on, etc.  The rest of the girls had little index cards with specific instructions.   

  

It's never too late to teach your daughter the value of life.  Start now.  Teach her that, someday, she WON'T have someone to lean on.  When my dad lost his job, I learned that I could never rely on having a man to support me.  I would have to support myself, regardless of my spouse.  A big percentage of women today are the breadwinners.   

  

Good luck.  Your baby will be fine!! 

 
November 1, 2005, 10:18 am CST

I Agree Totally

Quote From: sb1119

My husband had nothing when I married him.  He is now a self made multimillionaire due to an incredible work ethic, brains and a bit of luck.  So we ARE able to give our kids everything they want.  But we DON'T and guess what?  I do not feel one iota of guilt because I know that by not giving in to all of their material desires, I am actually taking care of them better than the ridiculous moms on this show.  It is absolutely a disservice to your children to give give give.  They couldn't possibly appreciate the value of a dollar and the work that goes on behind that money if they do not work for some of the things they want.  When humans don't ever do without they become unable to appreciate what they have.  I am not saying that you should make your children go without food for a week so that they have compassion for the hungry or wear tattered clothes so that they empathize with the poor, but they should be taught how to control their buying impulses, how to plan and save for something special.  They will have a much greater sense of achievement the day they can point to their new x-box and tell their friends, "I bought this myself!"  They should be told NO from time to time so that they get the sense that the world does not turn on their wants and desires and that sometimes they will be disappointed in life but learn that they can and do get over those disappointments.  Our girls are expected to give some of their allowance at the end of the year to a charity of their choice.  They spend a lot of time researching this every year and it means so much more for them to do this themselves with their own money so that they get a feel for sacrificing some of their own funds for the greater good of their fellow man.  They are getting practice in the art  of giving at an early age.  It would mean very little to them to know that Mom and Dad donated funds to whatever in their name.  Big deal. 

  

What we never skimp on is spending time with our kids.  They benefit from that so much more than a TV, phone, or computer in their room (not happening in our home).  We are giving them a great education and we go on some great vacations.  We allow them to play club sports (expensive) because they get great lessons in teamwork and they learn how hard you have to work to be successful.  They learn about goal setting and how you truly only get back what you are willing to give.  They get so much more out of these experiences than any material thing could ever give them.  

  

Neither daughter has ever had a designer purse or shoes.  They wear uniforms to school and have a decent but modest after school wardrobe. But you will never meet two happier teens.  They never complain or whine or demand because they learned from the very beginning that this behavior does not yield results. 

  

So next time your kid wants the latest doodad say NO but do not say   "I can't afford it."  Tell them they don't need this item but perhaps they could save their allowance or work it off by doing odd jobs for you around the house or at work...AND DON'T FEEL GUILTY!!!! 

My husband I are in the same boat with you and can more than afford to give our children anything they want.  I never started this when they were young and continued to keep the same rule throughout their childhood.  Even though we could afford to make their college life easy, they both got jobs and worked while attending college.  It didn't hurt them one bit and I know they appreciate everything they have due to it.  They have never begged for anything.  When Parker said "you can afford it", I wanted to scream.  There are parents who will put themselves in debt to keep up with the Jones's or to just ward off a scene.  I would take everything away from that kid.  What happened to RESPECT?
 
November 1, 2005, 10:22 am CST

You go, girl!

Quote From: kleesun

That's easy--stop buying her everything.  Start now. 

  

My only job was school, too, but I had summer jobs and that money was mine to buy what I wanted beyond absolute necessities.  When it was gone, it was gone.  I didn't drive until I was 21 because we couldn't afford the insurance.  I did not get a new car when I got my license.  I didn't even get a new-ish car.  I got a well-maintained but third-hand, 15-year-old station wagon and paid for all its gas, insurance, and maintenance.  It was frumpy but it was all mine, no strings attached.  I put some snotty bumper stickers on it and didn't care what anyone else thought. 

  

My parents paid my college tuition to a very good private college, although I had merit scholarships and loans, as well--we are not wealthy.  I worked about 12 hours a week in the dining hall at between $5.35 and $7.35 an hour (best-paying job on campus), scraping plates and mopping floors, which paid for all my books and supplies, personal necessities including clothes, shampoo, etc., and social life.  Mom and Dad helped pay for trips home at Christmas and spring break when campus was closed but anywhere else I wanted to go, I paid my own travel expenses.  I did have credit cards--one of my parents' for EMERGENCY USE ONLY (as in, the transmission dies and strands me on the highway, or I break a leg on the ice and end up in the ER--"emergency use" is not a late-night pizza run), and one of my own with a low limit that I paid off monthly.  There is no way my parents would ever have paid off a credit card for me.  I had $1400 in the bank when I graduated. 

  

I currently live at home for various reasons (I am getting ready to go back to school for a master's degree, and my mother has had some health problems and my dad could use another adult around--it works out better for everyone).  I pay rent, all my car expenses--I have since purchased a new [inexpensive car but, since I was still living at home, my parents agreed to dock my rent a little so I could pay it off in two years--all my clothes, personal stuff, travel, any special groceries I want, pet expenses, and I will be paying my own tuition this time.  Yes, I do housework and run errands, too.   

  

I've never felt deprived.  I have plenty of nice things, hobbies, clothes, books, music, etc. 

  

If I didn't have the money, I didn't get it or I didn't do it.  Plain and simple.  Put her on an allowance and stick to your guns.  She'll gripe but she'll thank you in 10 years when she's not up to her eyeballs in debt. 

I'm right there with you!! I just moved home after completing my Master's Degree.  I'm an only child, and was always taught the value of a dollar.  I had one credit card all through my college years -- a joint account with my parents that was used SOLELY for plane tickets home and car repair.  A handful of times, I did have to use it to help with medical or other expenses.   

  

Despite the fact that my parents told me that school was my only job, I worked my way through undergrad as a Resident Assistant, and worked 3-4 different jobs during my graduate degree.  I did retail, modeling, commercial work, ran a church nursery, and had a graduate assistantship.  Now, I'm practically broke, but the only debt I have is my student loans.   

  

I feel blessed that I had the right values instilled in me early in life.  It's also SOOOOOO refreshing to see someone else in my position!!  It's so tough to move back home after being on your own for so long. 

  

Good luck to you!! 

 
November 1, 2005, 10:31 am CST

10/31 "Spoiled and Entitled?"

Quote From: kleesun

That's easy--stop buying her everything.  Start now. 

  

My only job was school, too, but I had summer jobs and that money was mine to buy what I wanted beyond absolute necessities.  When it was gone, it was gone.  I didn't drive until I was 21 because we couldn't afford the insurance.  I did not get a new car when I got my license.  I didn't even get a new-ish car.  I got a well-maintained but third-hand, 15-year-old station wagon and paid for all its gas, insurance, and maintenance.  It was frumpy but it was all mine, no strings attached.  I put some snotty bumper stickers on it and didn't care what anyone else thought. 

  

My parents paid my college tuition to a very good private college, although I had merit scholarships and loans, as well--we are not wealthy.  I worked about 12 hours a week in the dining hall at between $5.35 and $7.35 an hour (best-paying job on campus), scraping plates and mopping floors, which paid for all my books and supplies, personal necessities including clothes, shampoo, etc., and social life.  Mom and Dad helped pay for trips home at Christmas and spring break when campus was closed but anywhere else I wanted to go, I paid my own travel expenses.  I did have credit cards--one of my parents' for EMERGENCY USE ONLY (as in, the transmission dies and strands me on the highway, or I break a leg on the ice and end up in the ER--"emergency use" is not a late-night pizza run), and one of my own with a low limit that I paid off monthly.  There is no way my parents would ever have paid off a credit card for me.  I had $1400 in the bank when I graduated. 

  

I currently live at home for various reasons (I am getting ready to go back to school for a master's degree, and my mother has had some health problems and my dad could use another adult around--it works out better for everyone).  I pay rent, all my car expenses--I have since purchased a new [inexpensive car but, since I was still living at home, my parents agreed to dock my rent a little so I could pay it off in two years--all my clothes, personal stuff, travel, any special groceries I want, pet expenses, and I will be paying my own tuition this time.  Yes, I do housework and run errands, too.   

  

I've never felt deprived.  I have plenty of nice things, hobbies, clothes, books, music, etc. 

  

If I didn't have the money, I didn't get it or I didn't do it.  Plain and simple.  Put her on an allowance and stick to your guns.  She'll gripe but she'll thank you in 10 years when she's not up to her eyeballs in debt. 

I should add that we often go on road trips instead of buying loads of Christmas gifts, we've never had cable TV (except for briefly when we lived near the mountains and couldn't get even regular news stations without it), never had a video-game system (Atari, Nintendo, etc.), do not buy designer clothes or replace everything seasonally, which I think is absolutely insane.  I don't believe any of us ever missed that stuff.  I can tell those teenage girls that Target sells T-shirts that are fun colors and fit really well, and are probably a whole lot cheaper than anything at the mall.  I put $250 a month in savings and will put more in as soon as I can afford it. 

  

My parents did spend money on us for our serious interests--my brother did Civil War reenacting for years and my parents helped him either buy or make what he needed (he is now getting a PhD in historical archaeology).  I ended up being something of an amateur folk-musicologist and they helped me get good (not extravagant) instruments, books, and recordings, all of which I have appreciated tremendously.  However, they also spent a lot of time on us instead of just pouring money in and hoping we'd turn out OK.   

 
November 1, 2005, 10:38 am CST

Observations

Melissa is a princess, totally clueless about what she's doing to her kids. They may be cute in appearance but the minute they get into school and open their mouths, the rest of the kids are going to pull away and treat them like they have the plague. Have you ever noticed when someone gets called out for overindulging in material things, the offenders first response is "you're jealous" ? Gotta wonder if this isn't a defensive response due to their embarrassment, they know they're behaving poorly but choose not to face the truth. 


I worked and had to deal with a Parker 3 years ago, Ryan's mom asked me to take him to the Phoenix Tourney since they couldn't get away. Told her no because I din't think he'd listen to me, she went off in a huff. I asked one of the dad's if he could take Ryan because I wasn't taking a rude kid on an 1800 mile roundtrip for 5 days when he had no respect for women. Roger was able to keep a grip on him so that went ok. Later in the season, Ryan stomped up to me and asked in a very snotty voice why we never invited him to go with us and stay overnight in Denver before the early am games (we went up the night before and stayed at a friend's home who has no kids so the kids could get a little more uniterupted sleep) I looked him in the eye and told him "Because you're rude to your mother and have no respect for women" He stood and blinked at me, absolutely flabergasted that someone would speak so to his little princely self. His mother was one of those "oh honey don't do that" big sigh, back of the hand to the forehead and dramatic swoon. Interestingly enough, Ryan always addressed me as Ma'am and Mrs after that and dropped the attitude. We did take him with us to Denver for one of the last games of the season and he behaved well. Most of the time kids just need a strong dose of hard truth to convince them to change their behavior. Grey areas don't work well with kids; very clear, direct expectations and consequences are the way to go. 

  

I've worked with kids from every socio-economic level, single-parent living in small apartments to the kids from multimillion dollar homes. Wanna take a guess which kids whine the most? That should tell their parents something but it always goes over their heads.  The less advantaged kids have always been the hardest working, never late for a practice or game, just all around better balanced mentally with a excellent work ethic. Let's see, hmm what can we learn from that? 

  

I have to admit, fashion has never been a big deal to me, observed early on in life that it all seemed to be a great big manipulation to make money for the industry "it's high style today but 24 hours from now it'll be passe, buy more stuff!"....too silly for me to bother with. Game Systems do the same thing, I'm still annoyed with Nintendo. Got my son Super NES when he was 8, relatives gave him games at Xmas and then they came out with Nintendo 64 not long afterwards, then Game Cube and now there's a new one according to my son, makes sense from a business standpoint but it creates these greedy little monsters that must have the "latest, greatest thing" pffffffft  Funny enough, my sons buddies bug him when they're over to hook up the Super Nes since they haven't played those games since they were "little" They're bored with their Playstations and XBox games, overplayed the "latest greatest thing" perhaps? 

  

Shopaholics, first clue there's a problem is when you have stuff in your coset that still has tags 6 months after you bought it. Quit getting your rush at the mall, volunteer at your kids school, domestic violence center, someplace where you can fill your heart rather than your closet, you'll be a better person for it. 

 
November 1, 2005, 11:11 am CST

10/31 "Spoiled and Entitled?"

Melissa... 

  

First of all, you and your boys are just gorgeous to look at.     

  

My daughter loves fruit chewy candy ( any brand).  I can afford to buy all she wants, and I just LOOVE her sweet face when she eats a pack.   She really enjoys it, and I enjoy giving it to her.  Why not give her all the candy she asks for?   I can afford it, and I love making her smile.   Thing is, though is I'm the parent and she's my responsibility.  

  

My daughter only gets ONE  pack a day...and has learned not to even THINK of asking me for more.   Is it because I don't love her?   No....I just don't want her to have to deal with ROTTEN teeth and a weight problem when she's older.     

  

This is WHY she gets ONE new toy for Christmas and/or birthday.  Why we get our books at the library, why we go walking in the woods instead of buying that gaziillion dollar swing set that ends up rotting in a few years.   I'm terrified that she's will turn out like some relatives of mine if I'm not careful.  

  

I have relatives that also enjoyed giving their kids anything they wished for and then some.    They told people that we were "jealous".    Now they are heartsick and sorry.  One daughter has cleaned out her parents and left them with virtually NOTHING to retire on...because they financed her a big fancy wedding, then the big fancy divorce when she cheated on her husband.   When this girl was done cleaning out her Mom and Dad, she hit up anyone in the family gullible enough to "loan" her thousands of dollars to pay off her store credit card bills ( 60 grand at one point).   She has NEVER repaid anyone back....and not because she can't...she just learned that everyone is here to take care of HER, because that's what her parents taught her.    I just seethe when I see her parading around town in the Lexus and the Armani, while her parents drive their old clunker , live in the same old falling apart house, and shop at Target.  

  

Another son I know is going to trial for scamming his bank out of $300 grand.   He cried and went to his Mom and Dad for help which consisted of a peice of paper that would have had his Mom and Dad signing over their HOUSE as collateral.    The parents said NO, having  learned their lesson when this son FORGED his fathers name and information on a couple of credit cards, ran them up, and didn't pay the bill.  Anyway, they said NO to this preposterous scam in which the son responded by cutting them off from seeing their grandkids. He is now telling everyone in town  how his horrible parents "won't help" him.    They are humiliated and praying that he DOES get sent to jail, so he'll finally get it and they can have some peace in their golden years.   Now, when this kid was 2 and 4...he was as cute as a bugs ear.  His parents spoiled him happily.  Then he got to be six and things went down from there.   

  

Every parent knows that overloading your child with sweets rots their teeth.   Every parent DOESN't know that overloading your child with THINGS rots their souls.  God help these children.  

  

Good luck to you and yours, and I dearly hope that your sisters are wrong about things.  Time will tell.   

  

  

  

  

  

 
November 1, 2005, 12:23 pm CST

I somewhat agree...however....

Quote From: judyblue22

I'm not about to let my little boy be made to feel inferior just b/c he isn't wearing the right brand of clothes.  

  

Don't you see that when you ran out to buy the nikes because of some off hand remark by some kid you robbed your child of a lesson?  You are teaching him about his own intrinsic value.  He could have learned that he isn't inferior - that he is more than good enough all on his own.  Instead,  you taught your son that you believe that he has to buy acceptance.   

  

This isn't the only shot you get. Every day is another chance to teach your child what he needs to know. 

I somewhat agree...however....as a parent, you don't want your child to hurt or be embarrassed or feel less than, not even for a minute.  I am out of school for twelve years now, and that is just high school.  So, lets go back to when I was in grade school.  Hmmh....that is about twenty-one years, and that would be taking me back to fifth grade.  Don't you remember how tough kids were even then?  Were you never picked on?  Even for the most ridiculous things?  I distinctly remember being picked on, at my bus stop in the morning, because it was raining out, and my mother had me wearing a pair of what we used to call "ducks,"  which were a short rain boot.  The girl at my bus stop was unstoppable.  Even though my parents instilled excellent values and self confidence in me, it still bothered me.  Even though I was already aware of my own self worth.  It still affected me!!  I would like to try to prevent my children from feeling that.  I understand that there will always be the "meanies", and there will always be those children that will pick on others.  However, if as a parent we can both, teach and instill the values of self worth and confidence, yet also, help them to blend into their "society", I say, by all means lets do so!!!!!
 
November 1, 2005, 4:46 pm CST

Stop spoiling your child...

 I watched the show on Spoiled & Entitled, any parent who are spoiling their child will regret it when they are older and don't know the meaning of money.  I made that mistake, not as bad as the lady who bought her children toys everyday.  I have a son who is 25 yrs old and he lives in Virginia, moved from Hawaii where he was born and raised.  He went to college but did not finish and is working at a job that don't pay him much.  He has a child, not married to the mother, thank god, and has to pay $600.00 a month in Child support.  Now he has other bill that he can't pay and he expects me his poor mom who is not working to pay his bills.  He don't pay rent, condo he lives in was given to him by his grand mother.  He has a loan on his car, a 2003 car but loan is in my name so I have to pay that.  He buys himself all kinds of things he don't need but he can not pay his bills.  I regret not teaching him that before he could have anything he had to earn his money.  What I should have done was give him an allowance and tell him that he had to buy his lunch and what he could save then he could buy the toy.  I guess because I grew up without any toys, we were poor, I wanted to give him more than I had.  All the parents who was on the show I sure hope you read this.  I created a monster and now I am still paying for my mistake.  If you want your children to grow up and be productive in society, then please whatever you do teach them the value of money first when they are young and never just give them without them learning to save to buy.  I know the value of money because I had to work for what I own, but my child don't. 
 
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