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Topic : 10/31 "Spoiled and Entitled?"

Number of Replies: 209
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Created on : Friday, October 28, 2005, 02:09:21 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

Are we raising a generation of ungrateful children? Sabrina and Jessica say they have the most spoiled nephews in North America. They get every toy they ask for -- all they have to do is whine. Their sister, Melissa, says her sons aren't spoiled, they're just kids who like toys. Are her sisters just jealous of her lifestyle? Next, Dori admits that her 13-year-old son, Parker, is spoiled. Parker says he won't take no for an answer, and even has a strategy for getting everything he wants. Then, Joan says her 14-year-old daughter, Jacquie, is a snob, and her need for trendy clothes is turning her into a materialistic monster. Can Dr. Phil help Jacquie change her ways? Plus, Lauren spends her entire paycheck shopping, but with no money in her checking account, she worries that she could be headed for trouble. Her mom, Diane, says she's not worried, it's just Lauren's way of relaxing. Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

 

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November 7, 2005, 9:44 am CST

You're teaching your kids well!!

Quote From: jettav

I agree with you. My children are still very young (2 and 4) but they know that if they want money they have to earn it. Yes, I buy them their needs and even some wants but they work for money, they don't help, they don't get money. If they don;t have money when it comes to the family shopping day, well, they don"t get anything. Of course we buy the items for their leap pads and a few other things but if is is something extra, they are learning to save. MY oldest, only four years old can go into the store with a few bucks but may come out with nothing because she couldn't maek up her mind or she decided to wait til next time around to save for a certain something. They definetly need to learn while they are young, I want my children to be happy and thankful for what they have as well as to learn independence, that is why we as parents are here for our kids, to teach and to guide them into growing and maturing into good, productive adults who can stand on their own. My husband and I are not millionaires or even close but we value our money and try our best to invest it wisely and that is what we want our children to learn, that just becasue we might want something for the moment, is it a wise investment? or is it really worth the time and money spent on it? How many times do we just as himans buy out of impulse, right on the spot just because we THOUGHT it was a good deal or whatever, then take it home and eventually forget about it? That is waste, and my children are goingt o learn these lessons and at the same time know that we as their parents are here to help and guide them and they know that we love and care for them and that when they need something, we are right there for them and even their wants, if it is worth the money, then yes, they may get it but at the same time, if it is something that they can help pay for, darn right, they are going topay for it, we are their parents, not their bank.
Jettav, you are teaching your kids well.  They are already MORE mature financially than that spoiled 18 year old (see sashacats posts) that I wrote my ideas about.  If 2 and 4 year olds can learn some elementary budgeting concepts,  I cannot fathom how the parents of an 18 year old could absolutely refuse to teach her any skills.  Kids like yours, judyblue's and mine will thrive in the real world while that 18 year old will eventually end up in bankruptcy court.
 
November 7, 2005, 2:12 pm CST

10/31 "Spoiled and Entitled?"

Quote From: juliebgg

Jettav, you are teaching your kids well.  They are already MORE mature financially than that spoiled 18 year old (see sashacats posts) that I wrote my ideas about.  If 2 and 4 year olds can learn some elementary budgeting concepts,  I cannot fathom how the parents of an 18 year old could absolutely refuse to teach her any skills.  Kids like yours, judyblue's and mine will thrive in the real world while that 18 year old will eventually end up in bankruptcy court.
Well, I certainly am not perfect, I have already made my share of mistakes as we all do. I just want my children to learn to live independently and successfully. I can't help but to think about my dad's sister who was validictorian of her high school class and voted most likely to succeed but the girl is a mental case now living on the streets because of drugs and the inabiltiy to live on her own. The girl doesn't even know that she has money in the bank casue she is too out of it and at this point no one really knows where she is, the last time we saw her, she was pathetic. MAYBE, just maybe if she was taught about the value of money and taught about responsibility and taught that money doesn't grow on trees for say, then maybe she would have ben that " most succeeded" (is that even a word? LOL) person. But she was babied all her life and could do no wrong, she was handed everything, the girl doesn't even know how to use a washing machine. Now, I realize that the person on this board trying to seek out help isn't quite this bad with her daughter but I do know that if she tries and starts now by giving her daughter advice and suggestions such as start saving now, put her on a budget and teach her to figure out the differences between wants and needs and also teach her to figure out what is imporant and not imporant, to limit her self only to what SHE can afford, not what her parents can afford. If the girl has good commincation and a good relationship with her parents then I believe it can be possible to teach this girl and guide her into the right direction.
 
November 7, 2005, 3:02 pm CST

10/31 "Spoiled and Entitled?"

Quote From: sashacat

OK - so if anyone saw my  first message it was "I'm Doomed".  This last reply from a psychiatrist and attorney is great except, it sounds like you have very young children.  Let me know how it is after they get to their teen years, have peer pressure, and have to deal with the real world.  If your son is only 7 years old, that is wonderful that you are teaching him how to budget his money.  But my problem is beyond that.  Yes, I too told my daughter at 7 years old the same things.  They really don't have a concept at that age, just as they don't now.  Good luck with your kids growing up, it's not that easy to raise kids these days that don't think they are "entitled and spoiled" just as the topic of Dr. Phil's show that prompted my response.  We have always taken preparing our daughter for life seriously, have been involved in everything she does, but you're missing my point to my problem.  I need someone to give me advice.  The budget and allowance are good ideas,  I must say, maybe we'll try that.  I appreciate it and thank you for your comments and welcome any other advice anyone can give or that might be in the same "boat" we are facing, with an 18 year old that will soon be on her own.

My son at 7 has a bank account with over $300 in it.  He has been managing his own money and using a debit card since he was 4. He certainly does know what I am trying to teach him and he has the concept.  In fact, he has more discipline about money than his older sister. 

  

My daughter is turning 13 next month.  She has a much larger budget ($50 per week instead of $10) and is responsible for purchasing more of her necessities.  She experiences peer pressure and there are things she wants and can't afford.  She even whines and begs sometimes *smile* but she understands what we want her to learn and she appreciates that we have a plan for teaching her what she needs to know to live in the world on her own. 

  

We also have taught and are continuing to teach them both all the life skills they need to know-like cooking, housework, home repair and maintence and being responsible for a pet (they each have one). This isn't torture. Both of my children are happy that we have a plan to make them fully prepared adults. They are proud of having responsibilities.   

  

I agree that when you are just starting to teach discipline at the age of 18, she will have a much more difficult time learning these lessons and you will face much stiffer resistance than I ever had.  However, your daughter will accept this better if YOU accept that it is absolutely necessary for her survival. If you don't believe that she needs to get off the gravy train, she never will. 

  

 
November 7, 2005, 3:05 pm CST

10/31 "Spoiled and Entitled?"

Quote From: jettav

Well, I certainly am not perfect, I have already made my share of mistakes as we all do. I just want my children to learn to live independently and successfully. I can't help but to think about my dad's sister who was validictorian of her high school class and voted most likely to succeed but the girl is a mental case now living on the streets because of drugs and the inabiltiy to live on her own. The girl doesn't even know that she has money in the bank casue she is too out of it and at this point no one really knows where she is, the last time we saw her, she was pathetic. MAYBE, just maybe if she was taught about the value of money and taught about responsibility and taught that money doesn't grow on trees for say, then maybe she would have ben that " most succeeded" (is that even a word? LOL) person. But she was babied all her life and could do no wrong, she was handed everything, the girl doesn't even know how to use a washing machine. Now, I realize that the person on this board trying to seek out help isn't quite this bad with her daughter but I do know that if she tries and starts now by giving her daughter advice and suggestions such as start saving now, put her on a budget and teach her to figure out the differences between wants and needs and also teach her to figure out what is imporant and not imporant, to limit her self only to what SHE can afford, not what her parents can afford. If the girl has good commincation and a good relationship with her parents then I believe it can be possible to teach this girl and guide her into the right direction.

Exactly.  Every single day with your children is a brand new chance to teach them what they need to know. It really is never too late, and I believe that every child can be taught. 

 
November 7, 2005, 3:12 pm CST

10/31 "Spoiled and Entitled?"

Quote From: hntrsmom1

After watching spoiled and entitled I could see my children there.   To some of you all we've always been poor but for us we had a confortable life and indulged our children with to much to fast and at the drop of a hat. Now we can't make all of our finacle obligations let alone get our children the toys and games and clothes that they had become accustom to and they never fell to let us know that they should have more. We rely on family to help out with birthdays and other holidays and always promise to pay them back with the best of intentions but as I'm sure you know they never get paid back because we can't meet our regular bills. 

 So back to my rant about these spoiled children, as a parent you never know what tomorrow holds what happens when you loose it all and can't countinue to give the all the perks they've become accustom to. Now what....... 

You sound like you are the problem, not your children. You are borrowing from your family to buy toys and games and clothes for your children.  You know you can't afford these things and won't be able to pay the debts, yet you "borrow" anyway.   Your children will use the the behaviour you model as their life guide.  When you choose to mooch rather than exercise some discipline, you are teaching them to do that too. 

 
November 8, 2005, 8:26 am CST

10/31 "Spoiled and Entitled?"

Quote From: juliebgg

Thank you for telling this show off that she needs to grow up.  It sounds like you are doing a great job with your own kids.  Instead of flinging your salary into everyone's faces you are teaching your kids true values that will help them get along in the real world.  Teaching them to budget at a young age is a great idea....I did this too.   Kids don't magically learn to use money properly: they must be taught.  Yet  sashacat wants to keep the gravy train coming and can't figure out why her daughter has no money management skills .  You said it the best...MOM needs to grow up!!! 

I wasn't trying to be hard on the mom, just giving her a wake up call.  The is no pill or book you can hand an undisciplined, spoiled kid at 18 to fix them.  The remedy is very hard and I am sure it IS much harder when you start at 18 than it is if your start from the beginning.  And I know what she is talking about-when you really love your child it is darn hard to say no and force them to learn discipline. It is especially hard when it is artificial in the sense of having enough wealth to not need to discipline a child.  I think parents who can honestly say "we can't afford that" have it easier.   

  

My daughter still whines and begs sometimes (less and less as she gets older).  She is very good at it-she could break your heart when she weedles for what she wants. I think that the reason my daughter still struggles against being disciplined is because I did give in a few times.  I learned my lesson from those few moments of weakness.  If the parent doesn't have rock hard disciple, any kid can manipulate them.  

 
November 8, 2005, 9:45 am CST

some more thoughts

Quote From: judyblue22

I wasn't trying to be hard on the mom, just giving her a wake up call.  The is no pill or book you can hand an undisciplined, spoiled kid at 18 to fix them.  The remedy is very hard and I am sure it IS much harder when you start at 18 than it is if your start from the beginning.  And I know what she is talking about-when you really love your child it is darn hard to say no and force them to learn discipline. It is especially hard when it is artificial in the sense of having enough wealth to not need to discipline a child.  I think parents who can honestly say "we can't afford that" have it easier.   

  

My daughter still whines and begs sometimes (less and less as she gets older).  She is very good at it-she could break your heart when she weedles for what she wants. I think that the reason my daughter still struggles against being disciplined is because I did give in a few times.  I learned my lesson from those few moments of weakness.  If the parent doesn't have rock hard disciple, any kid can manipulate them.  

Hi Judyblue!! What really stood out in the situation of the 18 year old is that not only was she being spoiled, but that the parents are not willing to stop giving as part of the solution.  I agree with you that the longer this goes on the harder it is to stop.  I don't know exactly what this Mom is looking for in terms of how to help her daughter.  Any suggestions that involved curtailing the giving seemed to be rejected.You can't just hand that girl a list of instructions when she hits 21 on how to budget money, pay bills, save for a rainy day, delay gratification because repairing the car comes before buying that designer handbag.....you get my point.  She has to SHOWN and soon.  The first thing is to limit the money availability.  She will have to learn to budget and save for things she really wants and to make choices.  And I still can't see what is so wrong with an 18 year old getting a job to pay for frivolous things she wants.  Yes, we love our children and both you and I have probably given in on certain occasions, but this difference here is that with us it is the exception to the rule to do this.  We haven't interfered with them acquiring the skills  needed to manage money. It is going to be a hard road for that family...either they will keep giving and their daughter will be still coming to them at 25, 30, 35 years old to maintain the lifestyle they spoiled her with, or she is going to be one of those people who gets in serious debt because she has to have what she wants and won't know how to budget money.  If they truly love their daughter, they need to stop being her pal and ATM machine and start teaching her how to get along in the real world.   Limit the money to a certain amount weekly or monthly (and not an outrageous amount!), and make her wait for the next allowance if she spends it all and comes crying for more cash.  And yes, do get that part time job...it will teach some disipline and build character.  And another thought...it wouldn't hurt this girl to work in a soup kitchen for a day or help collect items for people affected by Katrina to help people less fortunate than she is. 
 
November 8, 2005, 11:24 am CST

10/31 "Spoiled and Entitled?"

Quote From: juliebgg

Hi Judyblue!! What really stood out in the situation of the 18 year old is that not only was she being spoiled, but that the parents are not willing to stop giving as part of the solution.  I agree with you that the longer this goes on the harder it is to stop.  I don't know exactly what this Mom is looking for in terms of how to help her daughter.  Any suggestions that involved curtailing the giving seemed to be rejected.You can't just hand that girl a list of instructions when she hits 21 on how to budget money, pay bills, save for a rainy day, delay gratification because repairing the car comes before buying that designer handbag.....you get my point.  She has to SHOWN and soon.  The first thing is to limit the money availability.  She will have to learn to budget and save for things she really wants and to make choices.  And I still can't see what is so wrong with an 18 year old getting a job to pay for frivolous things she wants.  Yes, we love our children and both you and I have probably given in on certain occasions, but this difference here is that with us it is the exception to the rule to do this.  We haven't interfered with them acquiring the skills  needed to manage money. It is going to be a hard road for that family...either they will keep giving and their daughter will be still coming to them at 25, 30, 35 years old to maintain the lifestyle they spoiled her with, or she is going to be one of those people who gets in serious debt because she has to have what she wants and won't know how to budget money.  If they truly love their daughter, they need to stop being her pal and ATM machine and start teaching her how to get along in the real world.   Limit the money to a certain amount weekly or monthly (and not an outrageous amount!), and make her wait for the next allowance if she spends it all and comes crying for more cash.  And yes, do get that part time job...it will teach some disipline and build character.  And another thought...it wouldn't hurt this girl to work in a soup kitchen for a day or help collect items for people affected by Katrina to help people less fortunate than she is. 

Even if her parents can't be disciplined enough to teach her right now, the lesson will get learnt sooner or later.  When my husband and I were first married, we were students and very poor.  We spent more than we could afford.  It took 2 years of working and budgeting to pay it all back, but we did it.  We also learned our lesson. We have never had that problem since.  If I had not married a student, but someone with a good income, the lesson would have been delayed but it would have been learnt.  There is no income so high and no family fortune so great that can't be overspent.  

  

But once people are adults, the lesson can come with a very big price tag-like criminal charges for fraud, bankrupcy, divorce or even homelessness. That would be a huge regret.  When they are still kids they regret buying a big lego set and not being able to afford an expensive pair of jeans...no earth shattering consequences,  

 
November 8, 2005, 12:10 pm CST

Hi again, Judyblue!!!

Quote From: judyblue22

Even if her parents can't be disciplined enough to teach her right now, the lesson will get learnt sooner or later.  When my husband and I were first married, we were students and very poor.  We spent more than we could afford.  It took 2 years of working and budgeting to pay it all back, but we did it.  We also learned our lesson. We have never had that problem since.  If I had not married a student, but someone with a good income, the lesson would have been delayed but it would have been learnt.  There is no income so high and no family fortune so great that can't be overspent.  

  

But once people are adults, the lesson can come with a very big price tag-like criminal charges for fraud, bankrupcy, divorce or even homelessness. That would be a huge regret.  When they are still kids they regret buying a big lego set and not being able to afford an expensive pair of jeans...no earth shattering consequences,  

My husband and I were both graduate students when we got married.  We had to budget very carefully and we made it through that year without falling into debt.  We never had financial problems during our marriage.  We have always budgeted carefully saving money and spending wisely.  At this stage we are reaping the rewards; we can go on those nice vacations and buy what we want.  At the same time we also put money away so that we will have a comfortable retirement when the time comes. 

Our son is in his mid-twenties and is completely independent and knows how to use money wisely.  He is living on his own and paying all his own expenses.  I doubt he would be doing this if we gave him everything he wanted.   

I hope that sashacat will start teaching her daughter money management skills right now.  You were right when you said in a previous posting that it will be harder to teach her now that she is older, but that it is not impossible to do. Even though the parents are well off, they won't be here forever and even if she inherits a kings ransom from them, she will most likely run through it very very quickly if she doesn't learn how to use money properly.   

  

 
November 11, 2005, 2:49 pm CST

I Can Relate!

Quote From: kelly23

I think you are doing the right thing. It's called tough love. I had it a lot when I was growing up...let me tell you, I thank my parents now. You told her the situation when she went to college...you should stick to your guns! Don't give in!! Good luck.
Thank You!  Finally someone to actually help me.  I appreciate your response regarding your daughter.  If nothing else, you have definitely given me an insight on what needs to be done.  We also would be in the exact same situation, if we continue what we are doing.  It's going to be misery, but I truly believe after reading your response that now is the time to get the point across to our daughter that she needs to budget her money and when it's gone, it's gone.  I hope and pray that we can be strong enough as parents to accomplish this, but it's tough, and I dread the conflict it's going to create.  We have been loving, supportive and diciplinary to an extreme at times, which is also what we as parents need to do.  We have, however, failed in the respect that she has not had to work, save money, earn her own way.  She will be going to college next year, and we will have to say "no" and have her live within a budget, even if we can afford to give her everything.  I know we aren't doing her any favors by doing so.  I am not bragging about being wealthy, sometimes, believe it or not, it's actually a curse.  You either feel like people are taking advantage of you and expect you to pay for things or they think your snobby if you don't.  We have worked hard for what we have.  Nothing has been handed to us.  I guess if spoiling our daughter is our only fault as parents, we're doing something right because so far, she has done well.  I do see that we need to somehow "ween" her off of this "gravytrain" before she goes away from home.  You're comment has helped me tremendously, to see into the future of what probably would happen if we don't stop it now.  So, I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you, but thank you very much for what you have said.  It has completely turned on a light that should have been illuminated many years ago.
 
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