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Topic : 10/31 "Spoiled and Entitled?"

Number of Replies: 209
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Created on : Friday, October 28, 2005, 02:09:21 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

Are we raising a generation of ungrateful children? Sabrina and Jessica say they have the most spoiled nephews in North America. They get every toy they ask for -- all they have to do is whine. Their sister, Melissa, says her sons aren't spoiled, they're just kids who like toys. Are her sisters just jealous of her lifestyle? Next, Dori admits that her 13-year-old son, Parker, is spoiled. Parker says he won't take no for an answer, and even has a strategy for getting everything he wants. Then, Joan says her 14-year-old daughter, Jacquie, is a snob, and her need for trendy clothes is turning her into a materialistic monster. Can Dr. Phil help Jacquie change her ways? Plus, Lauren spends her entire paycheck shopping, but with no money in her checking account, she worries that she could be headed for trouble. Her mom, Diane, says she's not worried, it's just Lauren's way of relaxing. Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

 

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November 11, 2005, 7:30 pm CST

I was happy to see this post sashacat!

Quote From: sashacat

Thank You!  Finally someone to actually help me.  I appreciate your response regarding your daughter.  If nothing else, you have definitely given me an insight on what needs to be done.  We also would be in the exact same situation, if we continue what we are doing.  It's going to be misery, but I truly believe after reading your response that now is the time to get the point across to our daughter that she needs to budget her money and when it's gone, it's gone.  I hope and pray that we can be strong enough as parents to accomplish this, but it's tough, and I dread the conflict it's going to create.  We have been loving, supportive and diciplinary to an extreme at times, which is also what we as parents need to do.  We have, however, failed in the respect that she has not had to work, save money, earn her own way.  She will be going to college next year, and we will have to say "no" and have her live within a budget, even if we can afford to give her everything.  I know we aren't doing her any favors by doing so.  I am not bragging about being wealthy, sometimes, believe it or not, it's actually a curse.  You either feel like people are taking advantage of you and expect you to pay for things or they think your snobby if you don't.  We have worked hard for what we have.  Nothing has been handed to us.  I guess if spoiling our daughter is our only fault as parents, we're doing something right because so far, she has done well.  I do see that we need to somehow "ween" her off of this "gravytrain" before she goes away from home.  You're comment has helped me tremendously, to see into the future of what probably would happen if we don't stop it now.  So, I'm sorry I don't have any advice for you, but thank you very much for what you have said.  It has completely turned on a light that should have been illuminated many years ago.

I am really happy to hear that you are going to start teaching your daughter to budget money.  Yes, it will be tough and you will probably meet with alot of resistance and protest but keep in mind that you are doing it for her own well-being.  You don't want her to end up in a situation down the road where she spends more than she has and ends up deep in debt.  The best way to avoid that is to teach her NOW. And it sounds like you are ready.  Believe me, down the road you will be glad you did this for her. 

BTW, my "showoff" comment in an earlier posting was a reaction to your "Do you have kids; if so do you make 500,000 a year?" To me it came across as condescending.  Perhaps you did not mean it that way, but quoting salaries could come across as snobbishness. I will give you the benefit of the doubt!!! Anyway, I do wish you the best of luck when dealing with your daughter and money management skills.  I know it will be the best thing for her.  Have a good day.  Julie 

 
November 12, 2005, 11:07 am CST

Perfect Parents??

Quote From: judyblue22

My son at 7 has a bank account with over $300 in it.  He has been managing his own money and using a debit card since he was 4. He certainly does know what I am trying to teach him and he has the concept.  In fact, he has more discipline about money than his older sister. 

  

My daughter is turning 13 next month.  She has a much larger budget ($50 per week instead of $10) and is responsible for purchasing more of her necessities.  She experiences peer pressure and there are things she wants and can't afford.  She even whines and begs sometimes *smile* but she understands what we want her to learn and she appreciates that we have a plan for teaching her what she needs to know to live in the world on her own. 

  

We also have taught and are continuing to teach them both all the life skills they need to know-like cooking, housework, home repair and maintence and being responsible for a pet (they each have one). This isn't torture. Both of my children are happy that we have a plan to make them fully prepared adults. They are proud of having responsibilities.   

  

I agree that when you are just starting to teach discipline at the age of 18, she will have a much more difficult time learning these lessons and you will face much stiffer resistance than I ever had.  However, your daughter will accept this better if YOU accept that it is absolutely necessary for her survival. If you don't believe that she needs to get off the gravy train, she never will. 

  

This reply is specifically for juliebgg and julieblue22.   

  

Wow!  I am impressed.  You have all the answers!  I apologize for coming across to you as bragging about our income.  You totally misunderstood my point.  Even though we have enough money to live comfortably and  within our means, we are not billionaires and never pretend to be anything more than what we are.  Yes, we are successful, have worked hard for everything, never lived beyond our means, have never been in debt and have always paid our bills, never depending on anyone to just give us anything.  We have (my husband and I) worked for everything we have and continue to do so, pray for our health, hoping someday to retire and be able to enjoy what we have worked all our lives for. 

  

It makes me sick when people label us as being wealthy and snobby.  In fact, I try very very hard, everyday to bend over backward so we won't be thought of in that way.  You know, most people who actually have money, don't need to flaunt it, because they don't have to.  So when I said that it was because of the problem our money has created with our daughter and how we have allowed it to go on all her life.   

  

Now back to the issue:  Our daughter is spoiled and it's definitely our fault.  I'm sure you've heard it before that " they don't come with instructions".  You do the best you can and that's what we thought we have done.  We know she should have put on an allowance long ago.  That she needs to get a job and learn to live within her means, not ours.  She will graduate high school this year.  Even though it's late to teach her basic budgeting, we are going to do this and it will be difficult. 

  

Our daughter is extremely intelligent.  Has always been involved in many activities at school, sometimes I think she over-extends herself.  She has always set high standards for herself and has accomplished much more than 90% of the kids her age.  And yes, I am bragging about that, because she has done it.  Not me.  Is she perfect?  No way!  She's still a kid and all kids try and do things that are wrong.  Whenever she has done something wrong, we have always maintained that there will be consequences if the rules are broken and stuck to them, which is also difficult to do.         

  

Each phase of raising children has it's challenges.  Trying to to "the right thing" all the time is something none of us can do.  You come across to me as sounding like you and your lives are perfect, you have all the answers, and you are doing all the right things.  I admire you for thinking that.  If your children are young and you are teaching them everything now, I wish you all best.  If there were more perfect parents like you in the world, it definitely would be a better place to live.   

  

I thank you for your comments, wish you all the best with your kids, and hope your world will always be as "perfect" as you portray yourselves as parents.   

  

However, the truth is, no one is perfect, no parent, no kids, no priest, no human.  Everybody makes mistakes.  What and how you correct these mistakes is what matters.   

  

We are definitely  "late" in trying to cope with teaching a spoiled child how to deal with life, money, etc.  I just hope it's not too late.   

  

 
November 12, 2005, 1:50 pm CST

10/31 "Spoiled and Entitled?"

Quote From: sashacat

This reply is specifically for juliebgg and julieblue22.   

  

Wow!  I am impressed.  You have all the answers!  I apologize for coming across to you as bragging about our income.  You totally misunderstood my point.  Even though we have enough money to live comfortably and  within our means, we are not billionaires and never pretend to be anything more than what we are.  Yes, we are successful, have worked hard for everything, never lived beyond our means, have never been in debt and have always paid our bills, never depending on anyone to just give us anything.  We have (my husband and I) worked for everything we have and continue to do so, pray for our health, hoping someday to retire and be able to enjoy what we have worked all our lives for. 

  

It makes me sick when people label us as being wealthy and snobby.  In fact, I try very very hard, everyday to bend over backward so we won't be thought of in that way.  You know, most people who actually have money, don't need to flaunt it, because they don't have to.  So when I said that it was because of the problem our money has created with our daughter and how we have allowed it to go on all her life.   

  

Now back to the issue:  Our daughter is spoiled and it's definitely our fault.  I'm sure you've heard it before that " they don't come with instructions".  You do the best you can and that's what we thought we have done.  We know she should have put on an allowance long ago.  That she needs to get a job and learn to live within her means, not ours.  She will graduate high school this year.  Even though it's late to teach her basic budgeting, we are going to do this and it will be difficult. 

  

Our daughter is extremely intelligent.  Has always been involved in many activities at school, sometimes I think she over-extends herself.  She has always set high standards for herself and has accomplished much more than 90% of the kids her age.  And yes, I am bragging about that, because she has done it.  Not me.  Is she perfect?  No way!  She's still a kid and all kids try and do things that are wrong.  Whenever she has done something wrong, we have always maintained that there will be consequences if the rules are broken and stuck to them, which is also difficult to do.         

  

Each phase of raising children has it's challenges.  Trying to to "the right thing" all the time is something none of us can do.  You come across to me as sounding like you and your lives are perfect, you have all the answers, and you are doing all the right things.  I admire you for thinking that.  If your children are young and you are teaching them everything now, I wish you all best.  If there were more perfect parents like you in the world, it definitely would be a better place to live.   

  

I thank you for your comments, wish you all the best with your kids, and hope your world will always be as "perfect" as you portray yourselves as parents.   

  

However, the truth is, no one is perfect, no parent, no kids, no priest, no human.  Everybody makes mistakes.  What and how you correct these mistakes is what matters.   

  

We are definitely  "late" in trying to cope with teaching a spoiled child how to deal with life, money, etc.  I just hope it's not too late.   

  

Look, you ASKED for advice. I explained how we were preparing our children because I thought it might help you.  I wasn't grandstanding nor did I portray my family as perfect (in fact I posted about some of our mistakes as illustations).  I was simply trying to help in response to your request. 

  

You didn't find anything in my plan that was useful but found another post helped you. That's fine. Maybe someone else read my posts and found something in them that helped them.  That is the point of a message board. 

 
November 12, 2005, 7:58 pm CST

I was offering an olive branch!

Quote From: sashacat

This reply is specifically for juliebgg and julieblue22.   

  

Wow!  I am impressed.  You have all the answers!  I apologize for coming across to you as bragging about our income.  You totally misunderstood my point.  Even though we have enough money to live comfortably and  within our means, we are not billionaires and never pretend to be anything more than what we are.  Yes, we are successful, have worked hard for everything, never lived beyond our means, have never been in debt and have always paid our bills, never depending on anyone to just give us anything.  We have (my husband and I) worked for everything we have and continue to do so, pray for our health, hoping someday to retire and be able to enjoy what we have worked all our lives for. 

  

It makes me sick when people label us as being wealthy and snobby.  In fact, I try very very hard, everyday to bend over backward so we won't be thought of in that way.  You know, most people who actually have money, don't need to flaunt it, because they don't have to.  So when I said that it was because of the problem our money has created with our daughter and how we have allowed it to go on all her life.   

  

Now back to the issue:  Our daughter is spoiled and it's definitely our fault.  I'm sure you've heard it before that " they don't come with instructions".  You do the best you can and that's what we thought we have done.  We know she should have put on an allowance long ago.  That she needs to get a job and learn to live within her means, not ours.  She will graduate high school this year.  Even though it's late to teach her basic budgeting, we are going to do this and it will be difficult. 

  

Our daughter is extremely intelligent.  Has always been involved in many activities at school, sometimes I think she over-extends herself.  She has always set high standards for herself and has accomplished much more than 90% of the kids her age.  And yes, I am bragging about that, because she has done it.  Not me.  Is she perfect?  No way!  She's still a kid and all kids try and do things that are wrong.  Whenever she has done something wrong, we have always maintained that there will be consequences if the rules are broken and stuck to them, which is also difficult to do.         

  

Each phase of raising children has it's challenges.  Trying to to "the right thing" all the time is something none of us can do.  You come across to me as sounding like you and your lives are perfect, you have all the answers, and you are doing all the right things.  I admire you for thinking that.  If your children are young and you are teaching them everything now, I wish you all best.  If there were more perfect parents like you in the world, it definitely would be a better place to live.   

  

I thank you for your comments, wish you all the best with your kids, and hope your world will always be as "perfect" as you portray yourselves as parents.   

  

However, the truth is, no one is perfect, no parent, no kids, no priest, no human.  Everybody makes mistakes.  What and how you correct these mistakes is what matters.   

  

We are definitely  "late" in trying to cope with teaching a spoiled child how to deal with life, money, etc.  I just hope it's not too late.   

  

Sashacat, in my last post I was offering you an olive branch.  I was giving you the benefit of the doubt when you said you were not a snob.   But obviously you did not accept it.  Instead you flung comments back about how perfect we (Judyblue and I) think we are as parents.  I don't recall ever saying that, or anything that could be interpreted that way.  Any advice I offered about teaching your daughter money management skills was meant to be helpful.  

Back to the snobbishness thing, what do you think someone's first impression of you would be if you immediately have to state your annual salary?  I believe MOST people would think you were very stuck up.  That was my initial impression when reading your post that gave away your income.Maybe you don't intend to come across that way (that is why I was willing to give you the benefit of the doubt in my last post to you).  In that case perhaps you should NOT be telling people what you and your husband make, because this is how people will take it. 

My husband and I also worked hard for everything we have.  We are doing well (no I won't tell you how much we make! (LOL!!!), but put it this way...we can buy the things we want and go on the vacations we want to etc.  We also look forward to a good, fun and most of all-healthy retirement as you do.  Funny how similar we actually sound as I write this. I do not flaunt anything I have, but yes, there are people that sometimes do show resentment over things such as if we get a new car or go on a nice trip.  I realize that is going to happen even if I am very low-keyed about it. I think it is only natural that this will happen if you have something that someone else wishes they had no matter how you may try to avoid it. 

Even though you seem to want to fling my olive branch in my face, I want you to know AGAIN that I am happy that you are planning to teach your daughter about allowances and budgeting.  Hope it all works out well. 

 
November 13, 2005, 1:16 pm CST

To Lisa

Quote From: sccutie

I have watched this show and i am very angry with it. i was born an only child but these kids seem to take it to a whole other level. yes i was spoiled....quiet a bit actually....but my parents slowly weened me off of it when i was starting to get older around 9 or 10. i was starting to get an allowence and when i went somewhere with my parents....i would always find something i wanted. a doll or some candy. my dad was always the one who was telling me if u want something lisa, u gotta give in order to take. this made me realize everything wasn't made of money and that it was hard to "earn" what i wanted. if i did not do my chores around the house and check the mail, i got no money for the week. an allowence isn't just money u give to ur kid, its money they earn by doing things. some of these "rich" kids don't no how good they have it and what they get for a swet 16 party or what they spend in a week is something some parents don't make in a month. they should be gracious. if my child ever cursed at me or told me to shut up they would step foot in the outside world for a long time.
 I am glad your dad told you that you had to earn the things you wanted.  I to only have one child and I do admit that he was spoiled but not like the kids on the Dr. Phil show.  When I took him shopping and he would see the other kids screaming and crying for something, I use to tell him do that and I will leave you in the store.  He understood when I said no I mean no.  You need to thank your dad for teaching you some values and morals.
Aloha
 
November 18, 2005, 1:08 pm CST

Ty Ritter re: child sex slave

I am still overwhelmed at the information and horror stories that Ty spoke about on 11/17. I was wondering if any one else was as  emotionally affected as I was.  This  is a difficult subject to bring up to others. 

 
November 18, 2005, 7:47 pm CST

Spoiled to Death

I just watched the show "spoiled and entitled". I had a friend who when he was Parker's age was exactly like Parker. He was "smart", he would use the "you can afford it, why not" tricks. 

He, like Parker, believed "I'm right, the world is wrong". 

By the time my friend was 17, he had dropped out of school; "They wouldn't let me be me".
He had various problems, but no real jobs. "They will not pay me what I am worth" and "I am not going to do an entry level job, I am worth more and smarter than all them". 

This attitude lead to  a .45 caliber to the brainpan at the age of 21. "Nobody could value me as much as I should have been". 

Hopefully these children would end up like that, but  they sure are on the same road, in the same direction, and at the same speed. I saw the wreckage, but couldn't stop it from happening. 

 
December 7, 2005, 8:22 am CST

10/31 "Spoiled and Entitled?"

Quote From: judyblue22

Even if her parents can't be disciplined enough to teach her right now, the lesson will get learnt sooner or later.  When my husband and I were first married, we were students and very poor.  We spent more than we could afford.  It took 2 years of working and budgeting to pay it all back, but we did it.  We also learned our lesson. We have never had that problem since.  If I had not married a student, but someone with a good income, the lesson would have been delayed but it would have been learnt.  There is no income so high and no family fortune so great that can't be overspent.  

  

But once people are adults, the lesson can come with a very big price tag-like criminal charges for fraud, bankrupcy, divorce or even homelessness. That would be a huge regret.  When they are still kids they regret buying a big lego set and not being able to afford an expensive pair of jeans...no earth shattering consequences,  

I am married to a man who's parents gave.  For what reason I am not sure.  He is now 35.  We have married for 7 years, he's been through 7 jobs and has been unemployed at least 1 1/2 years.  We have a 4 year old son.  I have no respect for him or hismom anymore.  She think it's acceptable what "he" has been through the last 7 years.  She actually feel sorry for him.  Not part of my thinking anymore.  I have to quit being the doormat, I won't let him not be responsible and I won't let his mom be responsible for my son and myself.  This will probably end up in divorce, sadly.  I try to express my feelings and frustrations, which only makes him angry and he usually tells me I am a bitch.  Thats because he has to have a tantrum to get what he wants.  Well he has not seen bitch yet.  He has every excuse in the book, I cannot except them anymore.  I hope his mom is willing to deal with him till she dies.  Unfortunately this will probably be pretty severe on the relationship I have with his mom, because she and I will have to have a talk.  I am done being supportive.  It's so sad that it all has to come to this.  But consequences are consequences. 

Thanks 

 
November 30, 2006, 5:15 pm CST

Incredible...

 I find it incredible that people seem to be afraid to say "NO" or I can't afford to do this.

Growing up, both my parents worked and probably could have afforded many of the things my brother and I wanted.   We had what we needed and some of the things we wanted.  I can remember wanting a remote controlled car (early 1950s).  I was told that I could have it when I earned the money to buy it.  It was this way with many things. 

My brother and I learned to save and could only get the things we could afford.  It was not unusual for our parents to tell us "we cannot afford this.  If you want it, you will have to earn the money and buy it."

This was used with my kids too.  They had what they needed an a few of some of the things they wanted.  My kids NEVER had a NEW bicycle.  My oldest daughter wanted some designer jeans.  My wife got some at the salvation army store for $3.00.  My daughter was happy and we DID NOT put a sign on them saying they came from the salvation army store.

All of my kids are grown - chronologically. One -- ???...In any case, they are all productive and paying their own way.  Unfortunately, some seem to have not leaned that they cannot afford to give the kids everything.
 
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