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Topic : 05/31 Falsely Accused

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Created on : Friday, October 28, 2005, 02:16:37 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 11/2/2005) False accusations have ruined lives and divided families. No one knows this better than Terry. She claims she was falsely labeled as a gossip at her son, Steve's, rehearsal dinner and was escorted out of his wedding by security! Now, she confronts her son and daughter-in-law for the first time in almost five months. Can this family ever reconcile, or are they better off apart? Then, a former high school principal made headlines when a 16-year-old student accused him of having sex with her. The scandal rocked the town, and now he struggles to regain his reputation and move forward.  Share your thoughts here.

 

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June 1, 2006, 10:54 pm CDT

05/31 Falsely Accused

Quote From: karbow

I can't believe a son would choose his step mom over his own mother. Steve had to know the circumstances of his parents' divorce and the role this woman played. If he had any backbone he would have told his father to leave her home so his mom could enjoy the wedding. Why should Terry have this thrown in her face at her son's wedding? On top of it to have your mother escorted out of your wedding by police officers??I feel sorry for Steve because if he thinks his mother is controlling, take a good look at your new wife. It seems to me that the aunt did her share of gossiping about Terry but was not thrown out of the wedding.

  

  

             A-men you said exactly what I was thinking!!   

 
June 1, 2006, 11:01 pm CDT

05/31 Falsely Accused

Quote From: lucky24

Hi Terrbin - good to read you here again :) 

  

I really do appreciate that in your writing you are trying to combat the words people say and not the people - so don't worry, I see your good intentions and am in no way offended. 

  

As usual, you have written at length so I may not get to everything you said in this post this time, but I'll try! 

  

I will start with what we do agree on - we DON'T know which of these two conflicting stories is the real truth.  I said on a previous post that none of us as viewers can really know the truth since none of us were actually there.  And given that all total Dr. Phil talked to these people for maybe 20 minutes on the show I'm sure there is a great deal more background and history than we heard that day.   

  

When I am watching Dr. Phil interview people I tend to take my cues from him as to which direction the truth leans.  This is because he does have all the background and history and does very thorough research on the people who come on his show.   It was obvious to me he did not buy for one minute that Terry was an innocent "victim" in this situation.  He kept saying, "oh, come on" to try to get her to see how unbelievable some of her claims of innocence were.   I could have found her story at least somewhat credible if she had at least owned up to her share of the responsibility for how this whole wedding day situation unfolded.  I never said the whole thing was her fault.  In fact, I think when you get down to it and look at each person in the story OBJECTIVELY you see that the whole situation was one that they all played a role in which just seemed to snowball out of control.   

  

As far as the 10 messages Steve left his mother, I didn't say he did that the day before the wedding.  I said, he said, he left those messages all day long the day of the wedding.  This was because sometime between the rehearsal and the wedding itself he learned about the comment Terry made to the aunt.    

  

I feel like for Steve, she had crossed the line and done exactly what she had been asked not to do by making such a crude comment about the dad. When he discovered what she had said, that was apparently the straw that broke the camels back.  At that point he basically un-invited her to the wedding.  Maybe she got those messages from him, maybe she didn't.  But in his mind she was no longer welcome at the ceremony - as sad as many of us think that is, he had a right to his feelings.  Obviously there is something in their history as mother and son that caused him to believe he had reached his limit with her behavior.    None of us know what that history is exactly or how he may have suffered for years in his relationship with her, so we have no right to judge his decision to ban her. 

  

I state again, she was not "robbed" of this special day.  She made a choice to behave in a way she had already been asked NOT to behave in and suffered the consequence of her OWN choice.   

  

All of you up in arms about how this is Steve's own fault for inviting his dad and his new wife to the wedding should take a minute to remember that we don't know dad's side of the story for why he left Terry.  Things are not usually as simple as some of you want to make them out to be here.   

  

A bride and groom have the right to invite whomever they wish to their special day, regardless of how anyone else feels about the others invited.  It is the duty of the family and other guests invited to help celebrate this day, not tarnish it with their own personal agendas.    

  

Since Steve had to suffer thru his parents marriage and divorce I'd say he is entitled to his own opinion and feelings as to whether or not his dad deserves to be "punished" by him for whatever things he has done.   Nobody has the right to condemn Steve for his choice to include the new wife when he did it because he obviously cares about that side of his "family" too.   All of you who are stuck on the theme that the new wife is some homewrecker and must be treated poorly because of it, need to reexamine how situations in your own lives may be tainting your ability to be completely objective on this subject.   

  

These may not be my final words, but all I have for now :)  Take care Terrbin 

  I wonder if you have kids?  I believe the mother is not totally innocent but I do believe the daughter in law is a control freak and deep down doesn't want him to have much to do with his mother. The whole situation is immature to begin with. If this is all they have to worry about,  then dang I would be happy. The mother plays a key role in a traditional wedding and to be treated like that made this immature argument into a big ordeal.
 
June 2, 2006, 7:58 am CDT

more than we know

Quote From: holly7777

  I wonder if you have kids?  I believe the mother is not totally innocent but I do believe the daughter in law is a control freak and deep down doesn't want him to have much to do with his mother. The whole situation is immature to begin with. If this is all they have to worry about,  then dang I would be happy. The mother plays a key role in a traditional wedding and to be treated like that made this immature argument into a big ordeal.

Yes, actually I do have children (23 and 16 - both boys). 

  

I still maintain there is much more going on in this story than we know about.  The mom and son had some kind of rocky history already for things to have gotten this bad.  It may look on the surface to be a minor thing she did, but it was obviously "the straw that broke the camels back" for Steve.  These kinds of extreme reactions don't just occur because of one argument. 

  

A mother should play a key role in a wedding (as should a father) but I don't see this as all the d-i-l's fault at all.  Mom needs to take a long hard look at herself and figure out where she helped to contaminate this relationship.  There is plenty of responsibility to go around if you ask me. 

 
June 2, 2006, 8:13 am CDT

This was ridiculous

     First of all, I believe justifiably that the mother had resentment.  Did you see the number of children in the photograph that she shared for 20 something yrs with her husband and he walked out on her to start a new family with a co-worker.  For her sake she needs to work on that anger and get it out.  But I believe MOM was roasted in this deal.  Seems like her other sons vouched for her which meant that they also had to go against their brother.  I am sure that is not something they wanted to do.  So if they felt strongly enough to side with mother, could it be possible that mom just likes to gossip a little bit at work or about work at home.  Who doesn't do that? 

     The fact that MOM might have told an aunt from the stuffy brides side, a comment about her ex-husband is crazy that it caused her to be removed from the wedding.  If she had said it to the ex or his wife that could be justified.  But who is the aunt who felt it necessary to go and tattle on the grooms mother and have her removed from her own sons wedding.  Could't she have waited until everthing was over.  Why did SHE feel the need to cause a big uproar because however the mom put it, it WAS the TRUTH. 

     I say to the son, WATCH OUT, you are in the middle of two females vying for a place in your life and it seems to me, your wife may just do what it takes to have you all to herself. 

      

  

 
June 2, 2006, 8:21 am CDT

PLEASE

Quote From: lucky24

But that is the point, don't you see?  Knowing what Steve knows about his parents divorce he STILL chooses to have a relationship with his father and the new wife.  To me, that says that there is a whole lot more to the story than we all know.   

  

Steve came across as a very reasonable, mature, thoughtful man.   Maybe dad was not the sole problem in the parents marriage?  Maybe Steve acted according to what he knows firsthand about who his parents are.  This has nothing to do with Steve's "backbone".  It seems to me that he showed plenty of backbone when his mother, who had been asked to act appropriately and not negatively, disregarded his wishes and needed to be dealt with. He didn't tell his father to leave the new wife at home because he apparently wanted her there.  I don't think they were in any way trying to throw anything in Terry's face - they just wanted to be able to invite who they wanted to the wedding.  He obviously looks at new wife as part of his family now.   I know situations like this can be very uncomfortable.  But it has been six years now and I think he expected everyone to be capable of acting with class and dignity.   He didn't choose the stepmom over his own mother.  His own mother chose to threaten the peace and joy of his wedding day so he reacted.  Like everyone else, I think it is very sad she missed the wedding.  But we should all try to remember there is obviously a lot more to this story than we can possibly know. 

  

  

The husband was married to her for 20 something yrs.  How bad could she have been.  And the mother did not seem to get any enjoyment out of what her daughter had said she would do, nor did she seem to boast when her sons backed her side of the story.  So not sure if you are projecting your past hurts or not in a bad marriage situation.
 
June 2, 2006, 8:37 am CDT

It happens

Quote From: lvndrphil

The husband was married to her for 20 something yrs.  How bad could she have been.  And the mother did not seem to get any enjoyment out of what her daughter had said she would do, nor did she seem to boast when her sons backed her side of the story.  So not sure if you are projecting your past hurts or not in a bad marriage situation.
Plenty of people are married for 20 something years - or even longer, in miserable situations.  I wouldn't do it, but lots of people do for a variety of different reasons (religious, financial, fear of the unknown, whatever).  
 
June 2, 2006, 8:44 am CDT

yes!

Quote From: tfmarshall

No family issue finds one member completely inocent - and all the blame on the other - however I want to raise a couple of thoughts.  First - in parent/children issues - one person has to be the adult - and that person needs to be held to a higher accountability.  Second point - Steve's mom strikes me as a person who is mad at her ex-husband over the hurt she endured ( and there may have been a reason she could not hold the love of her children's father) but the key point I want to make is that a woman scorned can have perfect reason for her scorn - but should never allow that anger to poison the children against their other parent.  When that happens you find things like Steve's brothers and sister who are more interested in defending mom than seeing and speaking truth.  There is a reason God gave a commandment about speaking false witness against others - it is because as we saw on this show - lives can be destroyed.  I have lived the results of a person's lies - and the results it has on others to defend the hurt - or self proclaimed hurt and abandoned the truth and the accused.  I am proud of Steve mostly for taking a stand against what I believe he felt was likely to happen - an embarrassing moment during the ceremony - one of which his sister said she would do - and what I believe mom defended - after all her daughter would be making a public stand for her - and that is what mom's who use their children as pawns in broken marriages live for - justification, pity, defense from the children - and most of all - hatred of the children for the other parent.  This issue has its roots in the fact that Steve is not immature - but rather mature - and that maturity is shown by his willingness to love his mother and his father - and let the consequences fall where those who want to controll his love for others force them to fall.  I would love to see them all patch it up - but mommy has to drop the poor me syndrome and realize her kids need both parents and she needs to let them be open in those relationships!

Yours is the voice of experience and I'm sorry you've been through something like this. 

  

Your insight into what happened in this family seem completely dead-on to me. Thanks for adding your two cents.  I've been trying in my posts to get people to see that this is a much more complicated situation than just that the mom gossiped at the rehearsal.  You've given others something to think about and I hope they will.  Thanks :) 

  

  

 
June 2, 2006, 9:09 am CDT

falsely accused

Quote From: railroaded

I am fighting the same issue, only I stand to loose my only grandchild,and my daughter, how do people with limited means fight things like this?

If your daughter  is anything like that arrogant miserable son,,,you might do better  to let it be for awhile.    Try to keep in touch with the grandchild....When people speak from their heart about their 

own experience,  it is not gossip,,,and if it was,,,it is no  business of anyone else. 

  

Perhaps if you gave your love, and nurturing,,to another in the family,  it might be better appreciated. 

When someone has it "in" for you,,,nothing you do will ever please them. 

As Dr.Phil has said so often,,,you have to train others how to treat you. 

I hope you can find a way to let the hurt  in your heart,  subside, and to see it for what it is. 

A  nasty angry child  gettting  "even"  with the mother  over some earlier hurts supposed offenses. 

 
June 2, 2006, 9:10 am CDT

05/31 Falsely Accused

 I have been wrongly accused of sexual and physical abuse of my daughter and am facing 2 trials this summer.   A year ago, we found out that our daughter had been raped by a family member. Since July of last year, she has been accusing me of everything from causing bruises on her arms and constantly slapping her to holding her hand on a burner and causing 2nd degree burns for which I was arrested . In February, she accused me of sexually abuse over the past 10 years. I was arrested for this also and spent a night in jail.   I am scared beyond belief of what will happen at the trials. I'm exhausted both physically and emotionally and am losing my fight to continue this. I very rarely sleep and when I do, I have horrible nightmares.
    
 
June 2, 2006, 10:18 am CDT

Obvioulsy, your self-absorbed

Quote From: peace22u

Gossip can also be a true statement...not solely a false one.   Webster says: "a person who habitually reveals personal or sensational facts about others" and "rumor or report of an intimate nature".  I find it hard to believe that the mother was completely innocent in all of this.  Whatever she said to the aunt was gossip about the dad.  Weddings are a time to put aside differences and be there for the couple.  The mom obviously couldn't do this and was embarrassed because the kids stuck to their word.   

  

Parents seem to have this belief that they can do whatever whenever they want to their children and we're suppose to forget and forgive for the mere reason that they are the elders.  I'm going to stick with one of Dr. Phil's other philosphies...stay in a relationship only if it doesn't mean you have to change your authentic self.  We're all going to die and with some parents that continually abuse (even their adult children) sometimes it's best to let it go and live your life without them. 

You wouldn't have a self if it wasn't for your parents.  

 
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