Quote From: clhuber72My husband and I are in the middle of a he-said-she said situation. I have always felt that my MIL is not very accepting of me, and everyone jokes about how she has to control everything. I have always been able to brush off her words and actions until recently.
After building our dream home, we had my husbands family up for the Holidays. One made the mistake of even saying it was "the best Christmas ever". I felt the wrath of MIL, and later SIL (at the time on Prozac) called to tell us what her mom had been said about us after the holidays. Mostly about me. How I used my parents, I'm spoiled, I don't work, we were just showing off our house and what did they expect from an only child who could not respect her elders... On and on.
Recently my father (with whom I was very close) has had an unfair battle with his health. He suffered a heart attack 20 months ago, and after surgery had months of severe complications. They live in a rural area and he had to be life-flighted to a larger town to save his life. During this time, my grandfather also passed. Once recovered from heart issues, my father was diagonsed with cancer. My IL's accused us of using his heart "illness", and my grandfather's death as an excuse not to spend time with them, and this had "drug on" long enough, and in a phone call, they told us that he wasn't that sick, we were making it up, and if they were sick, would we help them? They even told my husband that he was going to hell for helping out my father on a Sunday. My husband would be judged for what he did after we had said life was to short for arguments like this. We never did tell them of his cancer diagnosis or how severe it was.
Meanwhile SIL now off Prozac, (talking negatively about anyone or anything that moved) and after the birth of her first child gave us ultimatums for his babtism. "If you don't come, you don't need to ever step foot in our house again., who makes all the rules in that house anyway, and if you would ever have children maybe you would understand, but your proiorities are just screwed up." We did not go back for the babtism a 3 hour dirve on icy roads. My husband went back to have a talk with them later. They had proudly told FIL what they had said I think to show perhaps how wrong we were, but instead they got an "how dare you" speach.
They said all was forgotten until we recieved a letter, in which we were uncapable of forgiveness and phone calls in which my husband felt pressured to tell them of my fathers cancer battle. They had demanded to know why we weren't coming around. ??? After not getting their way to stay with us, on another date, (we still had not spoken, and they wanted to stay with us out of the blue) they used my fathers cancer as an opportunity to attack and degrade me. "Your dad will die, and then your mother will die, and then when your husband dies you will be alone, you are NOTHING, you have no friends, the world does not revolve around you. You are the reason that I cannot be close to my brother, we used to be best friends until you came along." Somehow for an hour I stayed calm on the phone, and later the hurt sank in. They later told family how I was over reacting, and they just wanted to show me how important family is. They now are also spreading about to others how I did not grow up in the church, even though I did, and have very strong beliefs, even if they are not the same as theirs.
My husband went to see a therapist, and with her help he wrote a letter to his parents, standing up for himself, and confronting them about things they said to us, and things that got back to us. Now he has been getting letters from his mother that she used to have the perfect son, and he is making up these lies, and he is being brain washed. Even SIL said she never told my husband that I "have never wanted to be a part of the family, and I am a selfish only child, and I only do what I want to do in life". When I asked why she would say such things, she said, no, I was making this up. And that no matter what they ever said to us, they had it tougher.
My husband is so hurt, and we are both so frustrated.
My father passed away two weeks ago today. After the phone call from SIL and her husband, I told my husband that if anything were to happen to my dad, I did not want them at the funeral. My dad was a great judge of character, and could smell the truth about MIL, and SIL a mile away. Maybe that is why they felt they could say things about him, I don't know. Anyway, they have tried to turn even being asked not to come to the funeral all about them. My husband had hoped they could maybe see the truth, or admit to things they did, or even try to understand why, but of course not. The other SIL is embarrased by the rest of her family's behavior.
How can you connect with people that only want to point out faults, judge others, and demand? We have stayed away, and that is helping us for now. I want to rid the words that were said to me, and get them out of my head. When we try to talk about things, they all just split hairs, and deny words that they said, and demand examples, and then just use that as opportunities to insult further. Where do we go from here?
Signed,
Frustrated
One of the last things you said was "How can you connect with people that only want to point out faults, judge others, and demand?" Now I'm not a therapist by no means but I don't think you can connect with these people. They seem to have thier own agenda when it comes to topics of conversation. Family or not your husband needs to set them straight and tell them that he isn't going to tolerate anymore of this hate. I think the worst thing you can do is fuel the fire by arguing with them. You didn't mention fighting back verbally, so you are on the right track. People like this basically have nothing else to do in life, so they create thier own fun (if you can call it that). Unfortunatly, the best defense is to try to ignore them. You handled yourself well with your above letter,better than I would have. Nobody says nothin' 'bout my mama.
Life sure does give us some ups and downs and it seems that the downs know right where to find us. It's how you handle things that matters. Keep taking the right path and never lower yourself to the degree that your mother in law has. The key is not to give her the reaction she is looking for. Good luck.
michelle :)
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