Topic : 11/04 A Shopping Intervention

Lovelywife?  I didn't see a pretty woman - I saw a robot with no personality. What I saw was a woman devoid of any emotion.  I turned the show off when I heard her say "I'm angry", but didn't hear it in her voice or demeanor. She's angry?  What right does she have to be angry? She's selfish and is making everything about her.   

 Bridgette has been using her husband since day 1 of the marriage - she sold herself to him and her mother the day she married someone she didn't love - just for the money - and she makes up for her lack of self-worth by shopping.  And if she wants to fix her "addiction", she should cold turkey cut up every CC she and Michael own, and when she has a "need" to shop, she should find something else to do - go for a drive away from a mall, run, hike, go feed the homeless, etc.  Have an auction to sell everything she doesn't use and give the money to a local charity that is in dire straits for finances - ie Domestic Violence shelters, one of the programs to provide utilities for less fortunate, disaster relief, etc.   

Michael could have put a halt to her spending if he took away her CC's, and balanced his checking account.  For him to say that providing for his family was his need for self-worth, it's beyond that.  What kind of self-worth is working to find yourself in constant debt with selfish children?   

I've never been a shopper because I was raised by parents who lived through the Great Depression.  I spent 15 years in retail management for large companies.  I learned a long time ago that material possessions loose their power in a matter of days - they don't fulfill a long-term need, only a short-term fix.  I never buy anything except I don't ask myself these questions: 

1) Do I need it or want it?  If I want it, why?  

2) Do I love it enough to pack it and move it? I've moved many times in my life.  If the answer is no, it stays on the self. 

3) I never buy something that I don't get rid of something. I buy 2 pair of shoes per year, and disgard the ones that are worn out.  I rarely buy clothes, my allowance is $200 per year, and I still have clothes I don't wear. 

4) Do I have a place to put this? If not, then I have to get rid of something or leave it at the store. 

15 years ago I left my full time job and only worked part time for 9 months.  I put myself on a $20 per week allowance, instead of $20 per day.  I quickly learned who my friends were, and was much more statisfied with the basics of life than the years of trying to live up to being at the right place at the right time with the right people. 

To the person who says they feel guilty walking into a store and not buying something - that's an excuse.  Why do you feel it's your responsibility to support every retailer in the world?   

People who fill a "void" with shopping or other habits are afraid to look at themselves.  Stop.  Take time to look at the world around you.  Find out who you are by being yourself and stop impressing others.  Explore the world by hiking, going to plays, doing charity work, gardening, reading, etc.  You'll be a much more interesting person to be around - and probably happier with yourself and your world. 

The best thing for this family would be divorce.  Why work on a marriage where there is no love?  That is the root of the problem, and it was evident in both Michael and Bridgett.  Neither of them love the other, but neither are willing to take the chance to step out on their own.  The kids need to be kicked to the curb.  Michael would be better off giving Bridgett half of his possessions, and half his debt, and cutting the cord that is tying them together.  Bridgett should get no alimony and should have to work to learn the value of a $, the kids are over 18 and should be given nothing - they need to learn what it takes to survive without mommy. 

Obviously I have no sympathy for these people. 

Each trying to fill a void - overspending and overworking. Take time to become realistic. We all have flaws. As Dr Phil suggested - match merchandise to each receipt and return goods. While an embarrassment - it will give you a good feeling.  

Spend quality family time - those girls look like hoodlums - they need to be on a budget and in school. 

Although high income, we all have limitations and parameters in which we must exist.  

I have crohn's and arthritis too.  I think they are often partners in crime and the meds we have to take are miserable, aren't they?  When I feel low, I find that brisk walking help me alot.  I often don't have the energy for an extended walk but even 20 minutes in the woods with some good tunes on my ear phones can really brighten my mood. 

I am so sorry about your baby. I can't imagine living with that pain in addition to everything else that comes with our chronic illnesses. I hope you find peace. 

Dr. Phil just said the answer of her getting a job was wrong because he knows that wouldn't fix her problem.  Her main problem is that hef husband isn't home with her and she want him home (which of course he can't do because he has to pay her bills).  There's more to her spending.  Like people drink or do drugs to forget things that hurt or bother them, she shops because it makes her happy at the time.  Later she regrets it but she's so far in the hole with this, she doesn't know where to go.  Believe me, I'm not sticking up for this woman at all, but I understand what Dr. Phil was saying.  I know he would think it would be good for her to get a job, but he didn't say that because he knows that there's more to it than that.  Biggest thing is they need to communicate.  The only way it sounds like they communicate at this point is when he argues with her over what she bought.  She is getting his attention at that moment.  It's not positive attention, but he makes the time at that moment to argue with her.  He's not too tired to fight about it, he makes the time then.  She just needs to get his attention in a different way.  

Personally, I don't think they look like they love eachother at all, but we don't really know because we're not there 24/7.  If she could do what Dr. Phil says and return all of that crap, it would help them tremendously... then learn to make time for each other, but not fighting.  Find time to watch tv together or cook a meal together.  That's a small beginning that could make such a difference with them.  It has to start somewhere....  

I just saw myself and my exhusband!  Our dynamics had a few different twists, such as less money, but the basics were the same.  He was a functioning alcoholic, meaning he could hold down a job, but could not meet the obligations of the rest of his life, including me.  I spent.  Not to the extent that that woman did, but I do have some clothes I have never worn, and lots of stuff off e-Bay.  Now, I know why I did.  So simple.  He was a penny pinching , resentful, bitter man and never spent a dime on me.  In our 35 year marriage, we have had fewer than five dinners in really nice restaurants, he bought me a total of three pieces of jewelry (and made sure I never forgot it) and we went on a total of three nice trips. Yet, he always had CASH for a bass boat, cabinets of power tools, a four-wheeler, lots of hunting rifles, camping equipment, etc.  He even kept a separate private account that he saved and dipped into for his personal spending.  (I was not allowed a separate account, although I, too, worked).  He worked late hours, often coming home at 10' or 11:00 because (he said he had to work extra to support us.  He never had a minute for me, and resented any free time I took up when he really wanted to be drinking and fishing, or hunting.  In the last few years, I started spending more (I see now) because my life was running out, and if he would not buy for me, I would buy for myself.  I bought some jewelry (that I do enjoy and wear),  some oriental carpets for the house, an antique bed, lots of cd's, clothes, etc.  He would go into rages, and finally after I became disabled from a cancer operation and could no longer work, his fix was to deprive me of ALL money, so I had to ask for specific things.  And since I didn't work, it became HIS money.  Still I fought for my spending.  I dodn't think seeing this program earlier would have helped, because he always resisted professional help, but at least I now understand the basic dynamic.   

 I watched the show this past Friday and I have to say I was so disgusted with Bridget and her kids.   Talk about spoiled brats.    OMG...   She needs help and I do not feel sorry for her one bit.   So many people  are living paycheck to paycheck , she ought to be ashamed of herself.