Topic : 11/04 A Shopping Intervention

  Nothing was said about anyone being subordinate, in order to conduct a marriage or to  raise a family by biblical principals. I am not a holy roller, but I do see that a workable plan of PARTNERSHIP was laid out according to that which is in the bible. Please don't put your own words into what wasn't said. One cannot assume that a man assumming "leadership" means that he is ABOVE the woman or exeempt to his part of the partnership (on the home front or anywhere)  or that his doing so makes her a subordinate.  You and your husband may have an ideal partnership that works for you and him. Many do not, and  quite a few married people falsely think making money is the ONLY objective or equalizer of marriage. Many men use this as the power over the woman or to discount her input, choices or role in the marriage as the stay at home mom supporting his goals or children.  This doesn't make the woman  less of the partnership or inferior.  

   I see many  posters making the  assumptions/judgements  that she is somehow inferior in the marriage based on the fact that she has no income of her own.  I suspect  that is why Dr. Phil did not want her getting a job at this point, that only encourages the "wrong" idea that money is what gives "partners"  equal power in the relationship.  

   Where was Micheal's end of the childrearing partnership?  What kind of partner, uses his working all the time excuses neglect everything else or  to cover/justify  his cheating? His providing funds for his family isn't his only responsibility of the "partnership", the marriage or the parenting.  He who makes the money doesn't rule, and I feel sorry that so many women have felt that they MUST earn an income to be "equal" when all they have done is become as money/self oriented as some men.  

    We are born "equal" or a marriage makes us "equal" by the partnership.  That doesnt mean that both must bring in an income to be and to treat each other as equals. It is not intended to be a parent child thing based on who makes the money. True she is now acting childish and irresponsible.......but isn't he hiding behind his earnings to be just as childish and irresponsible to the marriage/family? 

    I am talking about "interpetations", and choices here.  You have an imbalance in his earning power to hers, perhaps he became an MD due to her support on the homefront? Maybe she took on all the OTHER tasks of the marriage and family while he studied, interned, and then worked long hours to support HIS goals for them, and she was repayed by his infidelities and ego trip workalcoholism? One he arrived he "forgot" the partnership entirely. This is only spectulation, but highly predicitible and possible. Guess we will need to see more to unravel how it got where it is now.  

   Think taxes, child care, the long hours he had to put into his job,  and other things and it might not have been wise (in the early years or in the beginning of this marriage,  for her to work, and her working or not  shouldn't be a criteria for her "equality") . Believe me raising children and keep up a home without the benefit of a husbands help 24/7  is work.  Ask any military wife or police wife or someone who has a husband that travels etc. There are many women out there that "do it all" except working outside the home and they highly resent being treated as "inferior" immature or childish based solely on whether of not they get a paycheck for their contributions to the partnership. 

 Isn't that rather sexist?  

      A woman can only be equal if she earns money equal to her husband? Does the power in the marriage come from money only? Is who makes the most money the "equalizer"?  I find this VERY sad and clearly sexists.  

     I am well aware that a woman can be goal oriented and capable of working and making money. COUGH, COUGH. I totally disagree with making money being the only criteria for power/control equality in a marriage. In reality MONEY should have nothing to do with  who is equal to whom. She has taken his "power over her money stick" and whopped him with it. It may have been the only way to get through to him, I don't think the money is all she wants out of her marriage, no matter how it looks NOW.  

      I think we will see it is " money is the equalizer in marriage"  faulty thinking that is at the ROOT of this couples problems. She feels rejected and powerless because he makes that the rules they live by. He makes money and all else is "excused" in his pursuit of the POWER in the relationship he thinks the money was going to give him. She takes some of the POWER away from him by foolishly spending. Clearly both have dysfunctional thinking, brought on by money becoming the GOD in the marriage and the only driving force.  

     Maybe some would never fall in the common and obvious trap of the power struggle using money as leverage, but many do, and this is a COMMON problem in many marriages. The amounts spent seem unbelievable to many of us, but some marriage have similiar money/power struggles, just with less money involved.  

   Would you have married a man that said I am going to earn the money PERIOD!!!!! Where is the partnership in that? Where was his partnership with his wife in the day to day teaching  of their children, companionship with his wife (not his mistress cause he felt sorry for himself and needed an ego feed) , and sharing of their lives and children?  Where is the partnership in spending their money together? Where is he giving any TIME to the partnership? It is a chicken/egg first problem that I have faith that Dr. Phil will unravel. 

   Remember we are seeing what it has become, not what occurred in what order  for it to get there. I don't think he is any more mature than her, and if  "having a degree and a job" makes someone mature it's news to me. REAL maturity is not putting your own needs or ego first. Real maturity is not using your work to avoid OTHER responsibilities. Real maturity isn't cheating or overworking or over spending instead of talking and fixing problems. 

      Perhaps DUE to his long hours she had no options but to stay with their children, at least when they were small. Was her end of the deal to become as callous as he, and dump her kids and become a workalcoholic like him? Should she let her children be alone, so that she can have a job? To each his own. Some women feel their end of the partnership differently. I don't see a partnership at work if strangers are raising children, while both parents go off to "succeede"  or feed their own needs and egos at their jobs in the pursuit of money. If necessary for survival it's one thing  and some chose this or have no choices here, others do not have to work for survival and it is always a mistake to make money the GOD or the  the ruling or controlling "equalizer" in a marriage.  

Education IS the "be all and end all to everything" Without an education, your mind will never be free. Education is the only thing that they cannot take from you, cannot reposess, cannot hold against you. Without an education you are trapped- maybe you will have lots of money, maybe you will find someone to finance your desires, but without an education, you are still trapped inside a box of ignorance. For centuries,  the powers that be held captive people by denying them the right to read, to think, to explore, to discover. Nazi Germany encouraged athletes to be promoted to greater stature than the run of the mill person.And, to some extent now, the American powers do the same by glorifying sports heros, car races, actors and actresses, instead of scientists and people who are doing things to improve the world. Lets face it, if we never see another basketball game, or nascar race, we will survive. If we never find the cure for juvenile diabetes, many people will not..... 

Education is the great equalizer. If you are a woman, or black, or poor, fat, homely, mutilated,  disabled- none of that matters if you are educated. You can still rise above what hand you are dealt. What people may choose to do with that grand gift of education  is up to them. 

Never bash the power of thought. 

I agree- besides, the retailers who sold her the stuff don't deserve to have to try to get rid of products that have been sitting in her closet for weeks and  are out of season. Plus, they may only give her store credit- adn they would be perfectly within their rights to do so-  

You have one of the most intelligent posts I have seen here in a LONG TIME. This is much more meaningful than the posts of advertising to marry him when they don't even know the first thing about his personality or character. 

I grew up in an upper-middle/upper class environment with lawyers, doctors, business owners and their kids. This problem is NOT unique to this couple and is VERY ubiquitious. I would even go as far to say that this is the norm in wealthy suburbia. Many of the well off husbands over work themselves and are never there emotionally or mentally for the kids and the wives are out racking up credit cards. I have known doctors with pregnant teen and even pre teen daughters and a ton of CEOs who have kids that are abusing hard drugs, like heroin. Many of the adults are alcoholics and abusing perscription pain killers like oxycotin and ativan as well as the illegal stuff like coke and heroin. My parents are not like most other upper middle class people and I am glad that they raised me different. 

People see well manicured lawns and nice cars and women and children smiling wearing nice clothes. They don't see the screaming that goes on behind closed doors, or the drug use, or the manipulation. I remember one time in primary school, when my mom dropped me off another mom talking to her girlfriends saying "Now he can't afford to divorce me!" right in front of the children. 

A lot of people are shocked by Michael and Bridgette. I am not shocked at all, having witnessed these types of situations and worse in well off homes. A lot of people, especially women, are seeing Michael as the victim and saying that they would love to marry him when they don't know the beginning of the dynamics of such a volatile quagmire.  

Michael is trying to portray himself as the victim of Bridgette's scheming. He is a smart man and was a fully consenting adult when he married her and knows exactly what he is doing. He could have closed the credit cards and the checking accounts but he does not and just has a "poor me" attitude. I can't feel sorry for him and neither would I want to be involved with such a man. 

  There are so many malls and stores here in America.  I don't know how we escape them all.  To add temptation to more temptation the developers are always building new and better ones according to their marketing hype.  It even involves food.  Some restaurants compete with extra large calorie laden entrees for sale so that they can out distance other eateries with the profit made.  No one is home it seems because everyone is out earning a buck.  I don't know where the vicious circle stops.  I love to look at new styles and compare.    Maybe kids need to be taught to prioritize.  Maybe adults need to be taught to prioritize.  With so much discretionary money floating around are we all tyring to keep up with the Jones or have the Jones fooled us with so much stuff.    

Maybe we need Down to Earth Day.  It should be put on the calendar.  Lets brainstorm here.   

1)  Perhaps we would invite folks in for a party where we play cards or games-even charades.  We would require that the hostess not do what?  .. ....... 

 a) Clean her house extra that week    b) Prepare fancy food. Perhaps the guests are  the only ones to bring food and they  must  keep it below a certain amount-5$ a dish   c) You come up with an idea 

2) Maybe on Down to Earth Day-- 

a) Shoppping isnt encouraged.   Extra Taxes are Charged.   Yikes I know outrage will be expressed at this. I'm just kidding because I know that we won't go back to the days when lots of businesses were closed on Sunday.......But we do need a rest. 

b) We have 'Come as You Are Parties'   Folks would get together in their casual attire to discuss all of the ramifications of too much spending for frivoulous items.   

c) In reality, Hurricane Katrina and the Tidal Wave in Indonesia were down to earth events.  Folks from the Depression could tell us about saving for a rainy day. 

d) The Dave Ramsey's, etc could be invited to all of the talk and news shows on those days or even for a complete week to remind us of savings priorities. 

e) Public Service Announcements 

f) Ah Ha!  My Favorite!---Training for Marriage ---Pre Marriage Counseling in which videos are  

shown demonstrating with real people what debt and secrets can do to a marriage.   Pre Marriage Covenants even. ( Wink Wink) they could borrow some of Dr. Phils shows. 

Just Brainstorning here...       Gimmicky things don't work when the heart isn't there.......