Topic : 11/04 A Shopping Intervention

Nikkipvn 

 Again thanks. I feel that whenever someone removes what you DID or ARE saying and inserts words (with very negative connotations that demean or change the intent  of the post entirely) of what a poster is saying then  proceeds to argue against their own words (that they inserted) ,  or take personal offense..........they must have a problem with maturity. Ditto for the "personal chat and recipe sharing" monopoly on a board regarding a particular topic having NOTHING to do with cooking,  again seems to be a feeble attempt to "make it all about me and what I want to talk about" or  a "ONLY my viewpoint matters"....... attitude with no respect to other posters here for an entirely different reason.  

To resort to taking personal these same post (which you have altered by inserting your own words with negative connotations and therefore  deliberately  changed from  the original content and intent ) after you have substituted you OWN words in someone elses post, is the equiviliant of arguing with/insulting yourself. That is another  way of making it all about YOU.  

I have been around the block quite a few times myself and of course I have my own viewpoints about "what works for me" and likewise hope others will allow some consideration to my RIGHT to do that.  I have  grown up, enough to know, gee........not everyone has my own life experiences, background, choices or whatever and is free to make their own decisions and have their own opinions and deserves respect for their individuality and choices.  

I, like you, have tried to not  to have a "set in stone" attitude about my own opinions, as I agree till the day we die we can all learn something that might allow is to look differently on a subject. We may not change "our own" way of doing things, but we might "soften" our harsh judgements of others if we are open to respectful consideration of "another view".  

I am not concerned with  prohibiting anyones right to disagree, just very perplexed as to why my actual words/postings  kept being changed into something  extremely negative, and then argued with. I mean argue with what WAS said, not what you changed/assumed it to say. Many people use most, some, many,  etc. more as a way of  "generalizing", and know that NOT everyone thinks the same. I would say that women nowdays are pretty "split" on the who makes the money/ is the breadwinner issue for a multitude of "personal lifestyle" reasons.  

Money, according to statistics, is the number one reason people divorice. I would say that makes "money issues" in marriages very common. That is because money =power in so many peoples minds, and in our current society it is the ONLY important thing to so many.  You cannot put a price tag on so many things that are just as or more important. You can't take your money to the grave.  A happy marriage is priceless.  Since it would seem only "money talks" and all else walks in our society, many use money to do their "talking".  The "money trap" thinking is very easy for many to slip into, as society seems to condone it.    Some use money to give them the power/importance/esteem  they think they deserve, others use it  to weaken/equalize  that power.  Many, nowdays, are so busy trying to just get enough to survive, they have little patience with others "more fortunate".   A broken heart  or ruined marriage/home is costly in ways few think about, till they are in the divorice court.  This particular couple has lots of money, or did at one time to fight about.  

Everyone here is speculating and commenting on people none of us know personally. We are seeing this couple "at their worst" on TV. I think some "charity" of thought and judgements would be in order as none of us would  want to be judged solely on "who we are" when our finances or marriage was in crisis.  

I see only one side of this problem.... that is where they are NOW.  To me both have negatively contributed to "where they are now".  I feel both share guilt/ responsibility  in perpetuating the problem/solution.  

 It would seem many viewers did not "get" this is not only about money, and I find it disturbing that so many people "zipped" over Micheals behavior, including the drug problem, to focus ONLY on Bridgettes "acting out" behavior with the shopping.  Shopping is when SHE is in control or where she "escapes" to to lose her unhappiness. Spending money is playing the game by Micheals rules. Or so she thinks.  Thats my take.        I read that she feels so "out of control" everywhere else, and yet  now she  has lost control of the shopping addicition/revenge/talking to Micheal substitute  too.  He is so into "hisself" that he couldn't hear her if she made the national news, (or the Dr. Phil show), and I maintain she wouldn't be working so hard for "his attention" if she didn't care for him at all. She would have divoriced long ago and took her half and lived happily ever after.   

I also find it sad that any marriage busting behavior can be committed/overlooked  as long as the money keeps coming in.  I certainly feel our society has grown worse as worship of the dollar becomes the norm.   I think that struck a nerve in my "defense" of Bridgette, she is after all only SPENDING money on a multitude of stuff she doesn't need,  ( well .........and cheating-big mistake) while her husband admits to a drug problem, (very serious stuff) a fidelity problem, (mostly a love affair with self as I can see) and admits  problems with being a good spouse and father.( a good contributor to ALL the other problems).  Aren't any of those things enough to "ring the fire bells" with some people? What is that saying about our society?  

 I wanted to put it out there if you all really think  ALL the focus should be on Bridgettes "shopping" problem, while little to any focus is being put on Micheals drug and work addictions?  Isn't this just a "made in heaven" way for him to play the victim? I think this is called PROJECTION of guilt, and of course Bridgette has some, but I don't think her problem is the major problem here.  

 It is just too easy and too "textbook" to  say, well his wife spent his money (that he just kept making, and took no control or gave any real attention to working with her to  correct this problem) so the poor guy just HAD to do DRUGS, CHEAT, and go on a poor me toot.  

This is so classical of drug and substance abusers, ANY excuse to do it, in fact they CREATE excuses or situations that JUSTIFY (in their minds) their doing what they love to do best, SELF INDULGE and of course using the substance of their choice.  They are master manipulators, liars, and have no "memory" of their abuses while under the influence.  Many, many many do things that are conflict oriented just so they CAN get out and get to their drug of choice. Living with such has to be hell or earth. That is why Dr. Phil says this stuff is a tie breaker. You simply cannot "function" normally with someone who had a drug or alcohol problem.  

I would think life with an egotistical drug addict could be pretty abusive. I wouldn't want to be treated for anything by a doctor with a drug addiction. I wouldn't be so quick to believe he has "solved" his little problem with drug abuse, as substance abusers are well known to use denial or other "excuses" when confronted.  

  I have seen drugs and alcohol ruin many marriages, change forever childrens futures,  and totally destroy lives and put more than one person in the hospital.  I guess I find it hard to believe Micheal is getting any sympathy,  and is actually being defended as if  "he is just a normal hardworking guy" .  

I don't see the rationale in  the total condemning  of Bridgette for her reactive coping..........(as I am pretty  sure that it will prove to be) and totally overlooking  his abuses and drug addiction. If you combine drug addiction with overworking you have a really dangerous "cocktail" for disaster. Not to mention potential abuse of ANYONE who would try and stop him or keep him from his "medicine".   

I agree with the poster who said, "Doctor, heal they self".  He has a really SERIOUS problem yet everyone is focusing on Bridgette's problem, when being on the receiving end of a substance abusers wrath is clearly no place anyone want to be. Just because HE says he is "done with that", don't make it so.  

   What am I afraid of ?  

Extremely close-minded , shallow, superficial, judgemental people who are easily led by what things may appear to be rather that what they  might really be.  People who can only see one side of an issue.  People who would rather stay in the dark than to take the effort to turn on a light.  People who hide behind their titles and income to perpetuate their selfish abuses on others. Drugged up doctors scare me way more than shoppers (except maybe at Christmas time!).  

Close minded people that  would rather see the emperior's clothes than to risk not running with the group. People that cruise message boards, for the sole purpose of  manifesting their aggression  in a personal attack rather than to just debate the pros and cons of an issue.   People that assume debating an issue equals with some deep seated psychological problem within the debaters.  

People too afraid to agree to disagree in a respectful, adult manner.  People who use aggression and insults rather than  their intellect to win an arguement.    People who think it is  all about winning, not playing the game.  People with no compassion or understanding.  People who think only money talks and all else can take a walk.  Men and women never really respecting each other and getting along for the sake of generations of children.  

I am grateful for your honesty.  You are a strong person.  My sister was too.  She fought her cancer until her last breath.  The pain is too much for me.   At times, I feel that I cannot live without her.  She was everything that I am not.  This time of year, all the holidays, is very difficult for me without her to share the joy that everyone else is feeling, she loved the holidays.  I feel for her daughters.  I am dealing with the depression by  talking to a therapist.  At times, I feel they just sit there and listen, and think, what can they do for me?  I have to do it myself. And, you know what? It is not that easy. Sorry, I need to vent tonight.  At times, I need something or someone to give me a push.  To get me motivated, to learn to live without her, without so much guilt, pain and sadness.  Has anyone every used a life coach? Would that be something to try? Someone to coach me back to living without a loved one and to be somewhat able to cope without walking around in a daze and comforting myself with shopping and food to numb the pain. Now it is affecting my health and wellbeing. Thanks for listening... p.s.  I admire people like you and my sister who have/had been blessed with strength and courage to play the hand you were dealt.   God Bless 

This is the worst problem I've ever seen between two people.  I cannot believe the damaging things they do to each other and their children.  I never saw such negative behavior.  I do feel sorry for the husband.  He wants to be in control and can't.  He doesn't understand relationship and how two people can work together, and the more he tries the more frustrated he becomes.  The wife plays the "martyr" role to a "T".  Oh, poor me!  Well, sorry, just can't seem to find it in my heart to think she doesn't know what she's doing.  She's pointing the finger (at her husband) and saying, "Look what he makes me do."  What a bunch of hogwash!  She's not only negative, manipulative, but she takes the lowest common denominator and that's where she lives.  Whatever happened to integrity in this union?  The kids have let themselves be dependant.  They're old enough now to get out of it.  For heavens sakes, kids, save yourselves... obviously your parents aren't going to help!