Topic : 08/17 Dr. Phil's Road Show: Newlywed Challenge

Hi this is Nichole again from the show.  My husband and I were the blue team.  If you would have told me 6 years ago that Tom and I would have been married today I would have that you were lying to me.  Tom and I overcame several obstacles before we got married.  I know our relationship is not perfect and I can honestly say that I am 200% a mom.  I forget to be a 28 year old woman, and I definitely forget to be a wife.  Our life changed upside down when we had our son.  I decided to stay home and be a homemaker.  This has really changed me.  Before, when it was just our daughter, it was easy to find a sitter.  Grandma's,  aunts, friends, but with two it get harder and more expensive if you have to pay for a sitter.  This has slowed down the time that Tom and I spend together.  We use to have so much fun, and we could laugh for hours.  We had so much in common and I just loved him so much.  After our son I feel EXHAUSTED!  Being a stay at home mom is busier than any job I have EVER had in the past.  It is however the most rewarding.  But at the end of the day I'm tired and I'm ready to relax so I do push my husband away.  It's not because I hate him, it's because I've had children on my all day long so I just want my own personal space.  This has damaged our relationship severely.  Dr. Phil told us after the show that we were the inspiration for the trips.  I kept insisting that Tom and I do not take out enough time alone together.  Tom and I get along very well when we do not have the children.  Because, I can be just a wife, and not a mom at that second.  Please realize that I believe we argue because of our added stresses, and not because we don't love each other.  The trip to California gave us a great opportunity to have time alone, and reflect where our marriage has gone sour.  This has also given us the strength to know that we do love each other, we are being selfish when it comes to our children and YES we do love each other.  Our feelings for each other have changed over the years.  I use to be the one who wanted to be with him so bad, and I would do anything for us to be married.  He played me for 3 years, and when I finally picked myself up and realized I will live and be a good mom with or without him, he decided he wanted to be married.  We do go through couseling together, obviously not enough.  Since we've been married he has been the one who always wants to be with me and I feel like I'm playing with him.   I guess you want so badly something you feel you can't get.  I know I have told Tom that I regret marrying him, but that has been said out of bitter feelings and retaliation.  I always regret it when I say something mean, and I don't even know why it comes out of my mouth.  That is why I asked Dr. Phil to help, because we just need advice, counseling, and time to reconnect with each other again.  Since this show I feel like I have been in a mourning stage.  I am mourning for what I once thought our life was going to be like and now that we see what it is it saddens me.  The first step was admitting our flaws, and I'm so proud of my husband to actually admit what he has done was wrong.  Tom is a good person, he makes bad decisions and then he always redeems himself.  I know our relationship is headed in the right direction because my husband cares enough to say "we need help".    We are both in it for the long haul.  I hope that we can be on Dr. Phil 10, 20, even 50 years from now thanking him for his help!! 

I hope the two of you make a good decision and don't get married just for the children.  I do feel that sometimes we made choices for the children instead of ourselves.  I know you love your fiancee' and only God will make the right decision.  Pray about this and give him your problem and walk away.  He will make the right decision.  I prayed about our marriage and told God, "there is nothing left I can do alone, please send my marriage in the right direction."  Two days later the producers of the show called and asked us to be on the show.  I was so shocked and stunned and I realized that God did not give up on our marriage so I couldn't either. 

Good luck to you!! 

Nichole 

Thanks for the post.  You stated "We do go through couseling together, obviously not enough."  I'm curious... did Dr. Phil recommend or help set you up with any follow up counseling?  How far ahead were the shows taped before they were aired?   

The truth is, a lot of what you're saying is typical of what happens to young married couples.  I think all too often couples don't have somebody to tell them that what they are feeling is one of the phases of a marriage that doesn't last forever.  I'll give you a little unsolicited advice though...  You're not doing your kids the favor you think you are by seeing yourself as "200% mom" as being a good thing.  Kids need to look up and see you as a person of worth and value in your own right - not just because of them.  If you wrap up too much of who you are in them, you're placing an unfair burden on them.  Much better to be a strong, secure woman who is capable of providing a loving atmosphere in which the child can live.    

I meant to say that we had counseling before we got married.  Dr. Phil did set us up with counseling after the show and has choosen 2 wonderful doctors to help us.  We have only been home a week last Friday.  They aired this show quickly!!  I know that since the show my husband and I have not fought once.  I am not ignorant to the fact that it could happen again, but I am relieved that we have help waiting for us.  We will definitely utilize this and lay it all out for the doctor to help. 

I know what you mean about wrapping yourself up in your children.  My daughter is 6 and is in Soccer, Girl Scouts, Cheerleading.  I feel like her personal taxi and I am very active in school with her.  I am her homeroom mom and then there is my son who is only 16 months old and he has to have a lot of attention.  I am also a college student, so when the house finally calms down in the evening I need to study, or get my homework done and I never add in time for my husband.  I'm not making excuses for it I am taking total blame for our lack of spending time together.  I know this is the one BIG thing I need to change for our relationship. 

Thanks,
Nichole 

I had to learn the hard lesson myself.  My husband is a great guy, but we got married really young (fortunately we waited 4 years to have kids).   He started his own business and I worked at a job I hated in order to have insurance, and eventually I really started to resent him and felt he was taking advantage of me since I was also the main breadwinner.   He'd spend his days dirt bike racing and talking with friends and not taking care of his paperwork, which I then also had to do.  One day I went to a friend's home and they were showing me their remodeled house and they had a huge round bed in their bedroom.  The woman said that she loved that bed because it was different, but she was constantly finding herself irritated because she had to constantly keep tucking in the edges of the retangular sheets to make it look right when people saw it.  For some reason something clicked with me that day; my husband was a round bed and I had to decide if I was willing to keep tucking in the sheet corners for the rest of my life.   The payoff would be that I would have something very special that few people had.  To make it worth it I'd have to decide to quit being angry about having to deal with the corners, maybe even ease up and let them hang out once in awhile for the world to see.   From that day forward the nagging and complaining stopped in my marriage, and I valued and focused instead on the specialness of my husband.   31 years later he's been a great husband and father, he coaches and mentors young people, and he's been there for me and never whines about tucking in my corners.    

Find in your ilfe what matters to you and don't apologize for turning a deaf ear to doubters.   Look for the best in each other and overlook or find a way to make up for the weaknesses in each other.   Then, years later, pass on what you've learned the hard way when you see someone struggling.   

I was very surprised after watching the show today.  It was just the thing I needed to see. My husband and I have been having problems. Some major ones lately and this show seemed to come at just the right time.  We fight alot and are having problems in several areas of our marriage. We both want to work on it and do get along some of the time.  We dont fight nearly as much as the ppl on the show or have as major of problems. I love him with all my heart and want us to stay together.  However when we do fight it gets very nasty.  He loses his temper and screams vulgar things at me and punches the walls. And I threaten to divorce or leave to see how he'll react. How do I know whether to walk away or if its worth the effort to fix it???? Please help if you have any advice good or bad???? I just need some sort of idea of where to go with my next step.