Message Boards

Topic : 03/29 Next Generation of Moochers

Number of Replies: 358
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, November 04, 2005, 02:48:17 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard3

(Original Air Date: 11/09/05) Meet the "Boomerang Generation" -- children who attend college and then move back in with their parents after leaving the nest, sometimes multiple times. -- you can put a period at nest and delete sometimes multiple times.  Then, Kirsten, 36, has a great education but has depended on her family to take care of her for the last 18 years, and she's still living at home with her parents.  -- change to: Then, Kirsten, 36, has a great education but has depended on her family for the last 18 years, and she's still living at home with her folks.  Share your thoughts.

 

Find out what happened on the show.

 

More March 2006 Show Boards.


As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

March 30, 2006, 8:31 pm CST

Feeling Guilty

Hi my 26 year old daughter just moved out two months ago.  She is very spoiled and spent all of her money on make-up, CD's, movies, eating out, clothes, etc.  We discovered $900 missing and after weeks of questioning - she admitted to taking it and spending it on crap.  We got in a big fight and she decided to move out and go live with her boyfriend and his family.  She has several temporary jobs and makes next to nothing.  She hasn't asked for any help or money but I feel terribly guilty.    The reason I feel so guilty is that I feel I did not prepare her for the world  out there and didn't teach her how to manage money or support herself.. ( both my husband and I are very  responsible, succesful, save money, use coupons  and have no debt).  She certainly did not use us as an example.  I have to constantly fight the urge to offer her money - because that would just be enabling her to not grow up.  I am having a really rough time  because all of the drama that she caused has suddenly ended.  On one hand it's nice and peaceful around here now but on the other hand I feel as if I am no longer needed.  I do know that the correct thing to do is to let her find her own way in this world.
 
March 30, 2006, 10:49 pm CST

RENT IS HIGH EVERYWHERE

Quote From: urrutiap

Yeah that is true that you have to find a job first before moving out into an apartment. Dr Phil makes it sound so easy but its not that easy to move out. Rent where I live is really high like in Sioux Falls, SD. I live in South Dakota and rent is high in Sioux Falls and Mitchell. 650 monthly for an apartment and houses arent cheap too. If I had a job that pays like 13 bucks and hour then I would have the money saved up to rent something like 300 a month or less or I might have to move in with someone else to be roommates with.
SOMETHING NEEDS TO BE DONE
 
March 30, 2006, 11:49 pm CST

03/29 Next Generation of Moochers

Quote From: urrutiap

I dunno where you get this info that adult children who live at home waste 100 bucks or so on just a pair of shoes. Maybe in California or something but Im trying to save up money but I have loans to pay off and by my own clothes and groceries. And right now I am in the process of finding a roommate to move in an apartment or house out of town. Not every child who is an adult living at home is a lazy bum. Yeah sure there might be half of them who do nothing but there are some like me that do take care of our own business

Okay, where do I start here? 

  

I dunno where you get this info that adult children who live at home waste 100 bucks or so on just a pair of shoes. Maybe in California or something but Im trying to save up money but I have loans to pay off and by my own clothes and groceries.  

  

Yes, but that's you.  You are not the indication of the entire world.  You may be a responsible adult, but not everyone is.   

  

Not every child who is an adult living at home is a lazy bum. Yeah sure there might be half of them who do nothing but there are some like me that do take care of our own business 

 

Of course that's good for you!  However, don't pretend that those that live at home and do nothing with their lives don't exist! 

 
March 30, 2006, 11:59 pm CST

03/29 Next Generation of Moochers

Quote From: judswing

My husband and myself at the end of our rope. Our 29 year old son who has two DUI's one month apart and can not hold down a job and is still at home. He moved back home after being on his own because he could not make it and asked if he could come home for short period of time till he was back on his feet, that was over 2 years ago.   He will not acknowledge that he has a problem, he messes up every good job or break he gets by not going to work on time or just not going at all. He is very verbal with me(his mother) he knows how to push his fathers buttons. Any advise?

Yes.  Don't let him talk you into enabling him. 

  

I know you feel guilty and that he knows how to push his father's buttons.  The simple fact that he can do this gives him a sense of entitlement.   

  

At this point, you need to give him only about 3 more months (I didn't say "a few".  In this situation, you need to avoid those kinds of subjective words.  Make your intentions loud and clear.).  That should give him enough time to find a job and move out.  If he ever wants to move back in again, set some ground rules and if and ONLY if he follows those rules, can he move back in.   

  

Unfortunately, the only way people like that will want to change is if they hit rock bottom.  However, as a loving mother, you don't want that to happen, so you're doing what you can to prevent that, which is enablement.  It's a Catch-22.  Something's got to give.  I think you should know how much you love him enough so that, even if he tries to manipulate you into thinking this way, it won't change how you really feel, so you can be stern without feeling too terribly guilty.    

  

You may also want to consider family counseling.  He obviously needs skills to cope with the real world and you and your husband need skills for coping with situations like this.   

  

Speaking of which, while you're there, you may also want to consider having him tested for either Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD) or Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD).  Both of these are well known for symptoms being manipulation and a sense of entitlement, and ALL personality disorders are infamous for the disordered not acknowledging that they have a problem.  Google around and see if either of these fit him. 

 
March 31, 2006, 1:19 am CST

That rent is not high

Quote From: urrutiap

Yeah that is true that you have to find a job first before moving out into an apartment. Dr Phil makes it sound so easy but its not that easy to move out. Rent where I live is really high like in Sioux Falls, SD. I live in South Dakota and rent is high in Sioux Falls and Mitchell. 650 monthly for an apartment and houses arent cheap too. If I had a job that pays like 13 bucks and hour then I would have the money saved up to rent something like 300 a month or less or I might have to move in with someone else to be roommates with.
That is average for non coastal parts of this country. Just be happy you don't live on the coast. The apartment my family rents now is $800 a month for a two bedroom and in Boston or LA this apartment would go for $1200 easily.

And I don't think you have a clear understanding of the cost of living. My husband makes the equivilant of $14 an hour and he supports 3 people on that income. It' s not easy to do, but it's not super difficult either. We don't have a car payment, we have a used car that is about 12 years old. We don't buy a lot of clothes or toys or stuff like that, but we have enough money to get things we like now and then. We buy our food and supplies at Walmart and Target and we have a clear budget and we stick to it.

So, if my husband can support 3 people on $14 and hour in an $800 a month apartment, I think you, single with $13 an hour can make it just fine...
 
March 31, 2006, 1:22 am CST

03/29 Next Generation of Moochers

Quote From: shari21162

I just had to write after seeing Dr. Phil yesterday.  My brother is 47 years old.  He STILL lives with my parents.  He DOES NOT help out at home at all.  My parents are 75 years old.  My mom packs his lunch(cooks chicken the night before so he can take something other than a sandwich), does his laundry, wakes him for work,  cleans his room AND has a curfew.  My dad will change the oil in his car and shovel his car out if it snows.  He does NOTHING FOR THEM.  My dad is 75, in fairly good health, but MY BROTHER SHOULD AT LEAST CUT THE GRASS, but he doesn't. 

I am 45, have a husband, two children, a mortgage, bills, etc.  Do I get help, free food, free rent....NO 

They love me and I love my brother, but it just cracks me up. 

I love my little daughter dearly, but if she ever thinks that I'm gonna cook her chicken for lunch when she is 47 she is out of her damn mind.

How sad for your brother...and your parents...wow. You have the right attitude though...good for you.
 
March 31, 2006, 6:55 am CST

03/29 Next Generation of Moochers

Quote From: purplepain

I love my little daughter dearly, but if she ever thinks that I'm gonna cook her chicken for lunch when she is 47 she is out of her damn mind.

How sad for your brother...and your parents...wow. You have the right attitude though...good for you.

Some people never grow up...and are never pushed to do so, either... 

  

Read some of my other responses for how to handle this one... 

 
March 31, 2006, 6:58 am CST

Living with family IS socially unacceptable in the US...

Quote From: naturesgir

When I watch shows on this topic, I always worry that we're making "living with family" so socially unacceptable that living on Welfare will seem like the better alternative.  I seriously doubt that these three adult children -- do ANY of them currently work? -- are, in 30 days, going to become self-sufficient taxpaying citizens...  More likely they'll end up on food stamps, AFCD for the kids, and subsidized housing...  Not on their parents' dime, but on mine (as a taxpayer); better their parents support them as me, as I didn't choose to have them!!!  13 is a trailer is a bit much, but "co-housing" is actually a perfectly viable, economic, and (should be) acceptable alternative to each member of a family paying for an entire household himself.  This family seems to get along and enjoy each other and, in many cases, it can be a mutually beneficial arrangement (say, for a single parent with a grandma who doesn't mind helping babysit; with an adult child caretaker and older parent; with siblings for company and cutting down expenses).  However, it only works if all are responsible and shift from "parent-child" mentality to "room mate" mentality.  I just wish Dr. Phil would make living with family sound like the kiss of death socially; we don't need MORE Welfare recipients in this country.  Just another view. 

...if the person living at home is physically, financially, and perhaps mentally capable of living on their own.   

  

Living with family is definitely a better alternative than welfare, but relying too much on either one is enablement. 

 
March 31, 2006, 7:53 am CST

TYPING IN ALL CAPS

Quote From: iloveric

THEY DONT JUST HAND OUT WELFARE. I AM A SINGLE PARENT AND NOW CANT WORK DO TO ACCIDENT. I CANT GET HOUSEING CUZ I WAS WORKING TILL I COULDNT DO IT ANYMORE SO I HAVE PAST BILLS AND THEY WONT LET ME LIVE THERE BUT YET OTHER FIND WAYS????? I QUESS HONESTY ISNT GETTING ME ANYWHERE BUT I WONT LIE TO GET STUFF...WHAT IS WRONG IS KIDS R LAZY NOW....MEN ARE NOT TAKING CARE THERE RESPONSIBLITYS AND BOTH MEN AND WOMEN R LOSING MORALS!!!! 

IT ISNT FAIR I WORKED TILL I GOT SICK AND SUPPORTED 2 KIDS NOT GETTING HELP NOW THAT I AM SICK NO HELP???  

No offense, but please don't type in ALL BOLD ITALIC RED CAPS.  It looks like you're constantly angry and shouting (unless you want to change your mood in your profile to reflect this...)
 
March 31, 2006, 9:34 am CST

Curious...

Quote From: zeeru23

Hi my 26 year old daughter just moved out two months ago.  She is very spoiled and spent all of her money on make-up, CD's, movies, eating out, clothes, etc.  We discovered $900 missing and after weeks of questioning - she admitted to taking it and spending it on crap.  We got in a big fight and she decided to move out and go live with her boyfriend and his family.  She has several temporary jobs and makes next to nothing.  She hasn't asked for any help or money but I feel terribly guilty.    The reason I feel so guilty is that I feel I did not prepare her for the world  out there and didn't teach her how to manage money or support herself.. ( both my husband and I are very  responsible, succesful, save money, use coupons  and have no debt).  She certainly did not use us as an example.  I have to constantly fight the urge to offer her money - because that would just be enabling her to not grow up.  I am having a really rough time  because all of the drama that she caused has suddenly ended.  On one hand it's nice and peaceful around here now but on the other hand I feel as if I am no longer needed.  I do know that the correct thing to do is to let her find her own way in this world.
To know why, since you're obviously quite good at managing your own money, you didn't train your daughter to be (one hint may be your comment, "I feel as if I am no longer needed").  I simply don't understand what parents are thinking when they spoil their kids and raise them with a sense of entitlement; do you expect they'll magically transform into responsible adults at 18, or do no avoid thinking about the future (and instead think only about how much they'll like you now if you indulge their every whim)?  I asking seriously because this is affecting our entire society; I'm truly baffled...
 
First | Prev | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | Next | Last