Message Boards

Topic : 03/29 Next Generation of Moochers

Number of Replies: 358
New Messages This Week: 0
Last Reply On:
Created on : Friday, November 04, 2005, 02:48:17 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard3

(Original Air Date: 11/09/05) Meet the "Boomerang Generation" -- children who attend college and then move back in with their parents after leaving the nest, sometimes multiple times. -- you can put a period at nest and delete sometimes multiple times.  Then, Kirsten, 36, has a great education but has depended on her family to take care of her for the last 18 years, and she's still living at home with her parents.  -- change to: Then, Kirsten, 36, has a great education but has depended on her family for the last 18 years, and she's still living at home with her folks.  Share your thoughts.

 

Find out what happened on the show.

 

More March 2006 Show Boards.


As of January, 2009, this message board will become "Read Only" and will be closed to further posting. Please join the NEW Dr. Phil Community to continue your discussions, personalize your message board experience, start a blog and meet new friends.

March 31, 2006, 11:43 am CST

Woah!

Quote From: naturesgir

When I watch shows on this topic, I always worry that we're making "living with family" so socially unacceptable that living on Welfare will seem like the better alternative.  I seriously doubt that these three adult children -- do ANY of them currently work? -- are, in 30 days, going to become self-sufficient taxpaying citizens...  More likely they'll end up on food stamps, AFCD for the kids, and subsidized housing...  Not on their parents' dime, but on mine (as a taxpayer); better their parents support them as me, as I didn't choose to have them!!!  13 is a trailer is a bit much, but "co-housing" is actually a perfectly viable, economic, and (should be) acceptable alternative to each member of a family paying for an entire household himself.  This family seems to get along and enjoy each other and, in many cases, it can be a mutually beneficial arrangement (say, for a single parent with a grandma who doesn't mind helping babysit; with an adult child caretaker and older parent; with siblings for company and cutting down expenses).  However, it only works if all are responsible and shift from "parent-child" mentality to "room mate" mentality.  I just wish Dr. Phil would make living with family sound like the kiss of death socially; we don't need MORE Welfare recipients in this country.  Just another view. 

So you think that once a person had a kid they are finacially responsible for them indefinately!?!?!?!?

These "kids" are thier 20's. If the end up on welfare that in on THIER heads, NOT THE PARENTS!

Living with family can be ok, but he was talking about moochers, not people who have a reasonable and respectful set up. My brother lives at home but he pays his share of the bills and respect my parents and knows he is in thier home. He is saving up to put a down payment on a house and my parents and him felt he could do this more quickly by living with them. It's a mutual thing. And there is ROOM in my parents house for another body.

The family on this episode was obviously intruding and not being respectful.

Everyone on welfar is someone's kid. It doesn't mean it's a bad idea or a bad program. But you cannot possibly honestly think that a parent should be welfare for thier lazy spoiled children!
 
March 31, 2006, 1:19 pm CST

Welfare vs. family support

Quote From: purplepain

So you think that once a person had a kid they are finacially responsible for them indefinately!?!?!?!?

These "kids" are thier 20's. If the end up on welfare that in on THIER heads, NOT THE PARENTS!

Living with family can be ok, but he was talking about moochers, not people who have a reasonable and respectful set up. My brother lives at home but he pays his share of the bills and respect my parents and knows he is in thier home. He is saving up to put a down payment on a house and my parents and him felt he could do this more quickly by living with them. It's a mutual thing. And there is ROOM in my parents house for another body.

The family on this episode was obviously intruding and not being respectful.

Everyone on welfar is someone's kid. It doesn't mean it's a bad idea or a bad program. But you cannot possibly honestly think that a parent should be welfare for thier lazy spoiled children!
If it comes down to my supporting welfare recipients with my tax dollars -- when I didn't even HAVE children (entirely by choice) -- vs. them being "helped" by family (with the adult child pitching in to help the family in return) then, absolutely...  You, the parent, both chose to bring another human being into the world AND get the lion's share of the credit for how responsible an adult they end up being.  If you raise them to be accountable and self-supporting, no problem.  If you didn't, my tax dollars shouldn't foot the bill for that failure on your part.  I think people neglect to think about where these "entitlement programs" (aptly named) get their funding; from Mr. and Ms. Joe Blow working a job every day and losing a third of their paycheck to them...  Some of us think people should rely less on "big government" and more on themselves (second best choice, each other), but that's another show. 
 
March 31, 2006, 3:03 pm CST

03/29 Next Generation of Moochers

Quote From: naturesgir

If it comes down to my supporting welfare recipients with my tax dollars -- when I didn't even HAVE children (entirely by choice) -- vs. them being "helped" by family (with the adult child pitching in to help the family in return) then, absolutely...  You, the parent, both chose to bring another human being into the world AND get the lion's share of the credit for how responsible an adult they end up being.  If you raise them to be accountable and self-supporting, no problem.  If you didn't, my tax dollars shouldn't foot the bill for that failure on your part.  I think people neglect to think about where these "entitlement programs" (aptly named) get their funding; from Mr. and Ms. Joe Blow working a job every day and losing a third of their paycheck to them...  Some of us think people should rely less on "big government" and more on themselves (second best choice, each other), but that's another show. 
What you are talking about is a political issue, not a parental issue. People are responsible for themselves once they hit 18. That is the way this country works. If you don't like that then you should try to change the laws.

By your logic the parents who raised people on welfare aren't responsible for thier welfare kids either, THIER parents raised them so badly as to raise kids badly...and it can go on and on and on.

You are obviously bitter about how much of your check you pay to taxes but sorry, suck it up buddy, if you live in the US you are in the top 5% of the world wealth. Just be thankful you weren't born in Africa with AIDS and your whole community is dying of starvation and disease and war. When you think about how lucky you are, damned lucky you are you won't care that a bit of your paycheck goes to help people who are down and out.

But you cannot blame a parent on the actions of thier 26 year old son or daughter. Next time someone murders lets blame thier parents, next time some rapes lets blame thier parents, next time someone does drugs lets blame thier parents.

And my parents aren't getting credit for how well I've turned out (which I think is pretty well)..that is MY hard work and my smart choices...not thiers.


 
March 31, 2006, 8:03 pm CST

Drugs were a SYMPTOM.......

Quote From: step_mom

PLEASE TAKE THE TIME TO READ AND POST YOUR COMMENTS - I'm sorry it's long - I have tried to condense it wherever possible - It's a difficult situation and I would appreciate any and all opinions.   

  

Approx. 5-6 months ago, my husband and I (newlyweds, married only 6 wks at the time) were faced with a decision which at the time we knew was the right thing to do.  My husband's 25 year old son and his 24 year old girl-friend were expecting their first child.  Both parents struggling with a crack addiction.   They had recently lost their home due to drug & money problems and were staying with her sister.  My husband's son moved in with us in early October, around the same time that his girlfriend entered a treatment center.  Our beautiful grand-daughter was born less than two weeks later - approx 5 wks earlier than originally expected.   Due to their addiction, the Children's Aid Society required that a suitable home be found where they could be watched closely and where the needs of their newborn child be met.  The home they had been previously living in did not meet these requirements.  I then offered to have them stay with us - providing love, support and guidance as well as supervision - also, rent/expense free - giving them the opportunity to make a plan for their future as a young family, to assess their priorities, to make changes to their lifestyle, to deal with previous financial problems (claiming bankruptcy) and to save the necessary money to again be able to live as independent self-sufficient adults.  

  

Well, we've done our part, but have we??? Unfortunately, it seems perhaps we've done too much - we've basically created an environment where they don't have to be self-sufficient.  Drugs are no longer a problem - the problem is they are making no effort whatsoever to fix their money problems and move on.  My husband and I have been providing them with a roof over their heads, paying for all household living expenses and paying for pratically every meal.  And, if it isn't us that helps them out financially when they run short, someone else in his/her family does.  They have no money saved, they have done nothing to clean up the past.   

  

CAS has provided them with direction in caring for their new baby, counselling for their addiction but no guidance with their money problems - This is something I have brought to CAS' attention previously and will be re-addressing again shortly.   

  

People have suggested we charge them an amount to stay here and then take that money and put it aside without them knowing to enable them to get their own place... this isn't going to help them change their ways, it's us fixing it for them.   

  

The problem is not going to be solved by forcing them to pay their own way with us, they need to make the decision to want to be independent, to have a sense of purpose and pride, to pay their own way.  They need to figure out a plan to clean up the past, to have money in the bank for their future and to find their own home where they are surviving independently on their own.  They need to make their own plan of how to meet this goal and they just aren't.  In a nut shell, it seems their problem lies with their lifestyle, values and priorities. 

  

One of their current "priorities" is to keep their dogs - they have two large dogs that although we initially told them could not come here, they ended up here for the first two months they were here  - the dogs now are being boarded at a cost of $400/month.  They don't want to give up their pets for adoption - I basically understand that it would be difficult, but it is also difficult to find a rental property that would accept two animals of this size, they are also very large dogs who although seem gentle have little or no exposure to being around young children/babies, not to mention the expense of having a pet.  The boarding fees for the pets have not always been met by themselves, I think each month they have had to borrow (?pay back?) the money. 

  

They both smoke $$$.  They occassionally buy alchol when the money is available to do so $$$.  They eat out in restaurants when they are out running errands $$$.  Instead of making a lunch they buy takeout $$$.  They basically spend and and extra cash that they have that they should be putting towards their future. 

  

My husband and I are beginning to feel trapped because there is no end in sight, they have no plan and I don't see the next six months being any different from the last six : ( I worry about my husband, my two daughters 17 & 13 who are still in school and live with us, myself and them - this is becoming a very unhappy unhealthy situation for all of us - HELP! 

If these folks are Crack Cocaine addicts, the actual problem is DEPENDENCE, whether they are recovering or not! And, if they are now, using ALCOHOL they aren‘t in recovery. They have just changed their DRUG OF CHOICE

I think that both you and your husband need to consider your choices. WHY ON EARTH WOULD EITHER OF THESE VERY DEPENDENT PEOPLE CONSIDER CHANGE IF EVERYTHING IS PROVIDED FOR THEM??? My point is that you and your husband are NOT ’HELPING’. You are ‘ENABLING’ them to remain dependent. 

If you choose to remain in the lives of these drug/alcohol dependent young people, I would recommend contacting Al-Anon. You need to come to KNOW and understand that the kind of ‘help’ that you and your husband are offering is NOT REALLY help! It’s not that your ‘help’ isn’t good for you, the kind of taking away all responsibilities you described, that you and your husband have done, is potentially lethal for a drug addict!  

The truth is that sometimes help doesn’t feel like help. If they have been through Drug Rehab and are continuing to use, you are helping to support the new habit. If they are using alcohol and coming home to an infant, that ISN’T safe, period. If they are participating in an out-patient recovery program that you and your husband are a part of then you need to be HONEST in your part of the process. DON’T KEEP THEIR SECRETS about ANY CHEMICAL USE!!! REPORT IT!!! THAT’S REAL HELP. 

Leave them with the responsibility for their care. Have serious rules and boundaries AND, STICK TO THEM for the health and safety of you, your husband, your 13 & 17 yr. old daughters and for that new baby!   

You and your family are in my prayers.  

  

 
April 3, 2006, 10:31 am CDT

feeling guilty

Quote From: naturesgir

To know why, since you're obviously quite good at managing your own money, you didn't train your daughter to be (one hint may be your comment, "I feel as if I am no longer needed").  I simply don't understand what parents are thinking when they spoil their kids and raise them with a sense of entitlement; do you expect they'll magically transform into responsible adults at 18, or do no avoid thinking about the future (and instead think only about how much they'll like you now if you indulge their every whim)?  I asking seriously because this is affecting our entire society; I'm truly baffled...

I myself have never been taught anything about managing money while growing up.  I used to be very irresponsible (nevery paid bills on  time, bankruptcy, etc.)  Then one day I woke up and decided to become responsible.  Now I have fico score of 845 and lots of assets.  I brought my daughter up the way I was brought up.  I also felt guilty because I went through a horrible divorce with her dad - I think I tried to make up for it by buying her things and "taking care" of everything.  Is there anything that I can do now to help the situation? 

Ruth 

 
April 11, 2006, 10:48 am CDT

Depressed & Dependent

A friend of mine has a daughter living at home with her and her husband. Her daughter has had three children with three different men, and the children are living with them as well. The daughter has become quite the moocher - depending on my friend for absolutely everything. She has her job, but doesn't do a whole lot around the house, and relies on her parents for taking care of the little ones.

Every once in a while, my friend's daughter throws herself into a depression and completely closes up to the world, other than to do some cleaning. If it wasn't for the children, my friend would have tossed her on her rear a long time ago - but considering the children, she can't find it in her heart to do that. The kids are in a real need for a father figure, which my friend's husband (their grandfather) has stepped in to be.

Please Dr. Phil, I need advice for my friend!
 
April 11, 2006, 2:41 pm CDT

What Dr. Phil says

Quote From: missjez

A friend of mine has a daughter living at home with her and her husband. Her daughter has had three children with three different men, and the children are living with them as well. The daughter has become quite the moocher - depending on my friend for absolutely everything. She has her job, but doesn't do a whole lot around the house, and relies on her parents for taking care of the little ones.

Every once in a while, my friend's daughter throws herself into a depression and completely closes up to the world, other than to do some cleaning. If it wasn't for the children, my friend would have tossed her on her rear a long time ago - but considering the children, she can't find it in her heart to do that. The kids are in a real need for a father figure, which my friend's husband (their grandfather) has stepped in to be.

Please Dr. Phil, I need advice for my friend!
How to Deal With Your Mooching Child
Is your kid still living at home or taking advantage of you financially? If you're struggling with an adult child that can't — or won't — become self-sufficient, Dr. Phil has advice:

  • Understand that over-indulgence is one of the most insidious forms of child abuse. Spoiling your children doesn't teach them how the world works. All you are teaching them is that if they ask enough, you'll give them what they want.

  • Your child is doing what he's doing because he can. Instead of asking why your kid isn't more productive, have a job or goals, ask yourself if you have created an environment in which your child doesn't have to. Can they maintain the standard of living you raised them in without any effort?

  • Learn how to say no. Your children need to learn that if they choose a behavior, they choose the consequences. Don't allow them to keep choosing behaviors that have negative consequences that you pick up the tab for!

  • Don't feel guilty for wanting your children to be out on their own. It does not mean you don't love them. It means that you don't want to rob them of the chance to be self-sufficient, productive adults who are able to have a sense of purpose and pride.

  • Remember that you don't solve money problems with money. You solve money problems with lifestyle, values and priorities. Come up with a plan that contains clear steps and a timeline that both of you can agree upon.

  • If you're frustrated because all of your help thus far hasn't been appreciated, remember that no good deed goes unpunished. Those you do the most for will resent you the most — because it becomes a bottomless pit. The most valuable gift that you can give your children in this situation is to start requiring more of them and allow them to be grownups.
  •   

      

    Your friend needs a plan of action.  She should lay down the rules on what is acceptable and what is not acceptable behavior in her home.  If her daughter is willing to live by the rules she stays, but with a timeframe in mind for exactly how long (hopefully until the daughter gets the skills or schooling she needs to financially suppport her children.)  If she will not abide by the rules, and they need to be plain and simple rules requiring the daughter to live like an adult, she must be kicked out.   

      

    It is time for tough love.  This adult child needs to know her parents love her enough not to continue to enable her poor behavior and choices.  She is using her children as a way of manipulating her parents into giving in to what she wants.  They must be strong enough to kick her out if she won't take responsibility for her life.  Then, if she does not immediately step up to the plate and take care of her children properly they must seek to get custody of those children to protect them.    

      

    Failure to act now almost assures those grandchildren of the same fate once they become adults. Tell them to toughen up for everyone's sake. 

      

    Good luck. 

     
    April 18, 2006, 4:04 pm CDT

    03/29 Next Generation of Moochers

    Quote From: iloveric

    THEY DONT JUST HAND OUT WELFARE. I AM A SINGLE PARENT AND NOW CANT WORK DO TO ACCIDENT. I CANT GET HOUSEING CUZ I WAS WORKING TILL I COULDNT DO IT ANYMORE SO I HAVE PAST BILLS AND THEY WONT LET ME LIVE THERE BUT YET OTHER FIND WAYS????? I QUESS HONESTY ISNT GETTING ME ANYWHERE BUT I WONT LIE TO GET STUFF...WHAT IS WRONG IS KIDS R LAZY NOW....MEN ARE NOT TAKING CARE THERE RESPONSIBLITYS AND BOTH MEN AND WOMEN R LOSING MORALS!!!! 

    IT ISNT FAIR I WORKED TILL I GOT SICK AND SUPPORTED 2 KIDS NOT GETTING HELP NOW THAT I AM SICK NO HELP???  

    I ran across this post by accident.  You don't know me, but other's here do know me.  The issue of typing in all caps and in bold / red is totally up to you.  If you feel that you need to shout it out, and this is what helps you, don't worry or hesitate. 

      

    I understand in certain environments where this might not be appropriate, but there are times to maintain more control of your emotions, but here, you can let it out the way you feel it.  So don't be too concerned about affecting others.  I know it bothers me sometimes for someone to grade my paper so-to-speak rather than to hear my voice. 

      

    I hope you have made some progress in getting some assistance.  If not you can always contact the American Red Cross, your local churches,  

      

    I do understand your situation to a degree, and wish I knew what else to do at the moment.  If you wish I can do some research, or you can go to the depression message board and post there.  Ask for "yesyoucan" or known as SEA.  She provides a wealth of information in crisis situations. 


    I am heading a message board called "A Child's Voice Connection..." located under "News and Current Events" 

      

    I know how adversely a situation like yours can affect you. And the last thing you need is someone grading your paper when you are begging for help. 

      

    I hope I have helped a little.  My email is ChildsVoice@Bellsouth.net 

      

    Take care and may God Bless, 

      

    dj 

      

      

      

    Be good, and take care, 

      

      

    djmatt 

     
    April 20, 2006, 6:23 am CDT

    "Grading a paper"?

    Quote From: djmatt

    I ran across this post by accident.  You don't know me, but other's here do know me.  The issue of typing in all caps and in bold / red is totally up to you.  If you feel that you need to shout it out, and this is what helps you, don't worry or hesitate. 

      

    I understand in certain environments where this might not be appropriate, but there are times to maintain more control of your emotions, but here, you can let it out the way you feel it.  So don't be too concerned about affecting others.  I know it bothers me sometimes for someone to grade my paper so-to-speak rather than to hear my voice. 

      

    I hope you have made some progress in getting some assistance.  If not you can always contact the American Red Cross, your local churches,  

      

    I do understand your situation to a degree, and wish I knew what else to do at the moment.  If you wish I can do some research, or you can go to the depression message board and post there.  Ask for "yesyoucan" or known as SEA.  She provides a wealth of information in crisis situations. 


    I am heading a message board called "A Child's Voice Connection..." located under "News and Current Events" 

      

    I know how adversely a situation like yours can affect you. And the last thing you need is someone grading your paper when you are begging for help. 

      

    I hope I have helped a little.  My email is ChildsVoice@Bellsouth.net 

      

    Take care and may God Bless, 

      

    dj 

      

      

      

    Be good, and take care, 

      

      

    djmatt 

    It's not so much that I was "grading this person's paper".  I was just simply pointing out how much of a distraction it can be.  

      

    Basically, my response was a case of "help us help you."  Personally, I have ADD, and I get distracted easily by many things, sometimes to the point of losing track of the big picture.   

      

    I'm sure others (mental disorder or not) find it distracting as well.   

      

    It's a part of communication.  When you want someone to hear you, you need to make your message as clear and concise as you can make it.  If not, it's a communication barrier and your message may not get across.   

      

    One of society's biggest problems is communication.  We're not mind readers, so we need to make our messages as clear as possible.  Hell, I'm guilty of my fair share of communication problems (in fact, check the message board "Dangerous Love" and the last fifteen or so posts).   

      

    Again, I wasn't trying to be a rules stickler. 

     
    April 23, 2006, 4:45 am CDT

    I have a 48yr.old living with us..

     
    First | Prev | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | Next | Last