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Topic : 03/29 Next Generation of Moochers

Number of Replies: 358
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Created on : Friday, November 04, 2005, 02:48:17 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard3

(Original Air Date: 11/09/05) Meet the "Boomerang Generation" -- children who attend college and then move back in with their parents after leaving the nest, sometimes multiple times. -- you can put a period at nest and delete sometimes multiple times.  Then, Kirsten, 36, has a great education but has depended on her family to take care of her for the last 18 years, and she's still living at home with her parents.  -- change to: Then, Kirsten, 36, has a great education but has depended on her family for the last 18 years, and she's still living at home with her folks.  Share your thoughts.

 

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April 23, 2006, 7:27 pm CDT

why?

Quote From: joyfh3

why? Does this person have an illness or injury that prevents them from taking care of themselves?
 
May 7, 2006, 3:59 am CDT

My 48 lives with us..I remember Dr. Phil has said it is up to the Father to talk to son my step Mother like myself, but my husband is 89 and just can't seem to remember a lot most every thing is up to me..Now what should I do? Joy

Quote From: lucky24

How to Deal With Your Mooching Child
Is your kid still living at home or taking advantage of you financially? If you're struggling with an adult child that can't — or won't — become self-sufficient, Dr. Phil has advice:

  • Understand that over-indulgence is one of the most insidious forms of child abuse. Spoiling your children doesn't teach them how the world works. All you are teaching them is that if they ask enough, you'll give them what they want.

  • Your child is doing what he's doing because he can. Instead of asking why your kid isn't more productive, have a job or goals, ask yourself if you have created an environment in which your child doesn't have to. Can they maintain the standard of living you raised them in without any effort?

  • Learn how to say no. Your children need to learn that if they choose a behavior, they choose the consequences. Don't allow them to keep choosing behaviors that have negative consequences that you pick up the tab for!

  • Don't feel guilty for wanting your children to be out on their own. It does not mean you don't love them. It means that you don't want to rob them of the chance to be self-sufficient, productive adults who are able to have a sense of purpose and pride.

  • Remember that you don't solve money problems with money. You solve money problems with lifestyle, values and priorities. Come up with a plan that contains clear steps and a timeline that both of you can agree upon.

  • If you're frustrated because all of your help thus far hasn't been appreciated, remember that no good deed goes unpunished. Those you do the most for will resent you the most — because it becomes a bottomless pit. The most valuable gift that you can give your children in this situation is to start requiring more of them and allow them to be grownups.
  •   

      

    Your friend needs a plan of action.  She should lay down the rules on what is acceptable and what is not acceptable behavior in her home.  If her daughter is willing to live by the rules she stays, but with a timeframe in mind for exactly how long (hopefully until the daughter gets the skills or schooling she needs to financially suppport her children.)  If she will not abide by the rules, and they need to be plain and simple rules requiring the daughter to live like an adult, she must be kicked out.   

      

    It is time for tough love.  This adult child needs to know her parents love her enough not to continue to enable her poor behavior and choices.  She is using her children as a way of manipulating her parents into giving in to what she wants.  They must be strong enough to kick her out if she won't take responsibility for her life.  Then, if she does not immediately step up to the plate and take care of her children properly they must seek to get custody of those children to protect them.    

      

    Failure to act now almost assures those grandchildren of the same fate once they become adults. Tell them to toughen up for everyone's sake. 

      

    Good luck. 

     
    May 8, 2006, 5:24 am CDT

    get some help from others

    Quote From: joyfh3

    Joy, it sounds like you and your husband are being taken advantage of by your step-son.  Is there any other family member who can help you with this by standing up to the son with you?  

      

    When Dr. Phil said a biological parent should be the one to enforce the rules, not the step-parent he wasn't talking about a situation like yours.  He was talking about in families with young children.  Your stepson is a grown man and you have every right to speak to him about getting out of YOUR house.    

      

    Are you afraid of him?  There are agencies who can help you if you reach out who can help protect you against elder abuse.  If he is not intimidating you but only taking advantage of the situation you should enlist the help of a family member (maybe one of his siblings?) and stand up to him.  Give him a deadline for leaving and then call the Sheriff's department if he doesn't.  You have rights here and you don't have to put up with this!  Good luck.  

      

      

     
    July 2, 2006, 1:46 pm CDT

    i definitely agree

    Quote From: peepinbud

     As Im noticing on this board, most are angry at those who sink instead of swim.

    I have a friends from overseas whose friend said this...

    "Its nice that Americans pride themselves so much on being self-reliant but too bad compassion has been thrown out the window along with it"

    Young adults can get sick...PHYSICALLY and there is mental illness too. When young adults in some cases  are not even given resources to take care of themselves and have to do things like work 80 hour weeks at demanding part-time jobs pieced together with no health insurance, thats a problem.  Some of the tougher people can make it, but get sick, God have mercy on you!

    There is a selfishness prevelant in American culture. Its part of the problem why young adults grow up unable to take care of themselves. They are left unprepared and cast out into a world where they ARE BLAMED for not measuring up right away.  Its almost like if you dont get that plum job right out of college, even ones own parents turn on you like vicicious dogs adding to the cacophony of the world outside. "LOSER"! "GET A JOB"! "WHY DO YOU MAKE SO LITTLE MONEY?"

    I am of the belief that those who come into the most success, while hard work is a big part of the equation, have help getting there.  When they stumble and fall, they dont have a family that kicks them in the teeth while they are down. They have people who help them up [not enabling but real help, and answers and EMOTIONAL support.

    I have to admit for me, the MONEY in some ways is the last thing some of these young people need, they need families who care about their well-being.. Emotional support instead of looks of disgust because they didnt come out of college making $50,000 a year I had a family so well-off, they considered my first teaching job of 14 bucks an hour in 1990, a LOSER job

    I believe college costs are a big part of this too. Some of the parents who help with the college degree, resent the money spent. They think college degree means instant wealth. It doesnt. Its a racket and now instead of helping young people start off with some type of foundation, we got them starting off with loans so huge hanging over their heads, it isnt funny. The whole thing is a racket!

    Isnt it natural that YOUNG PEOPLE will stumble and fall? They are young.  If older people are fighting over the jobs in the working class range, with far more experience, should we be surprised we got so many young people finanically struggling. What are we offering them? Stigma, hatred, asking the impossible--to somehow turn $5.15 an hour into a sustainable wage?

    Is it all THEIR FAULT?

    Sure with some of them there is responsiblity...giving up as some of them seem to have done is not the answer...

    But then you ask yourself for some of the moochers, where did they learn to be selfish to begin with?

    In a society that says every person for yourself, sink or swim...[where families no longer pull together to help one another out

    Where else did they learn it?






    i agree with pretty much eerything you have said. 

    As much as I love America, we are becoming a very self-centered, uncaring, materialistic, and godless society. People today are acting like they are invincible and those who don't contribute right away are labeled as deadbeats, moochers, users, and pathetic. I think those who are making all those statements are the pathetic ones. 

      

    Maybe what these people need is a hand up, someone to encourage them and letting them know that the Lord will guide them and has their back. I also think that we need to look into a person's situation before we make a judgment. 

      

    So come on everyone, let's start encouraging and stop discouraging 

     
    July 2, 2006, 8:26 pm CDT

    03/29 Next Generation of Moochers

    Quote From: mightyking

    i agree with pretty much eerything you have said. 

    As much as I love America, we are becoming a very self-centered, uncaring, materialistic, and godless society. People today are acting like they are invincible and those who don't contribute right away are labeled as deadbeats, moochers, users, and pathetic. I think those who are making all those statements are the pathetic ones. 

      

    Maybe what these people need is a hand up, someone to encourage them and letting them know that the Lord will guide them and has their back. I also think that we need to look into a person's situation before we make a judgment. 

      

    So come on everyone, let's start encouraging and stop discouraging 

    I understand what the two of you are saying and I agree with you, we certainly do need to be understanding and compassionate and yet at the same time, there are people out there who are most definetly moochers and sometimes, they need a little kick in the bud to get them moving.................we recently had a friend of my husband staying here and talk a bout a loser, I will not go into details but I made sure that the guy knew that he wasn't playing me for a fool. The guy has been helped so many times by various people, and has absolutely nothing to show for it, he was a lousy husband and now in a nasty divorce and his kids are being taken care of by different people because neither of the parents will work and provide a decent home for them. When he was here, he spent his days sleeping and his nights up playing computer games and of course got upset when I invaded HIS? space because I needed to do laundry and work in the basement area, He did get a job and started giving me some money but at the same time was very rude to me and expected my husband to spend all his waking moments with him (which I made sure I had my time). I even over heard the guy telling my husband one night that our marriage will not last because that is how marriages are now days and of course I butted in and confirmed my beliefs about marriage and divorce and that it wasn't happening, to dream on....he and my hubby were best friends and college room mates and he was wanting things to be like they were back then, but thankfully I have a husband who loves being married to me and has two beautiful little girls who come before his friend and believe it or not, that was causing problems with this guy, he eventually moved out and got a hotel room and of course left his cat and told my husband to get rid of it because he didn't want to deal with it...........When he and his wife first split up, he wanted us to take inhis four kids but didn't want to pay us anything, basically telling us that "this is what friends are for" of course I had to make it clear to hi that since I was a stay at home mom that it would me to have to deal with these kids (who were having issues and the 5 year old a victim of sexual abuse) and that IF iagreed to do it, Iw ould get paid for there was no way, we could afford to do it and that was no lie, needless to say, the kids didn't come and I was the mean one. LOL..................What I am saying is, yes we need to have some compassion and we need to have the desire tohelp others but at the same time know when it needs to be kicked in the bud and the person needs a wake up call, Thre has to bea way to get these people to wake up and get out and defend for themselves, I believe in the biblical values and am one who will got he extra mile but at the same time, my family must come first and I use common sense. Just like I believe the Lord God helps and guides us, and has great plans for our lives, He does expect us to do our part as well............This guy still comes around and he still hangs with hubby at times which I do not have an issue with but at the same time will not tolerarte some one who doesn't believe in helping themselves, I wasn't mean to the guy but I stood my ground and expected him to abide by MY (and hubby's) rules of the home, not his own, afterall, it was my (and hubby) home that he was in. Caring and helping others out is a good thing but we do not have to take the back seat to them, big difference.
     
    December 12, 2006, 3:33 pm CST

    You assume beyond your capacity

    Quote From: brachan

    There is hardly any jobs anymore that pay more than $5.15 an hour, unless you count all those "work from home" jobs that are more than likely bull.  You try finding a job in a place like I live, but, judging by the date you are quoted as typing, you are probably retired and living off of Social Security that I helped to give you when I did have a job.  So what would YOU know about it.  I think that a lot of the trouble is that there are more people than there are jobs and that people in the stage between highschool and college are suffering titles like "mooch" while they attempt to scratch out a living in our failing economy.  And college tution keeps going up and up, making it impossible for people like me to go to college, forcing me to work minimum wage jobs, and forcing me to throw all my money away on rent, bills, gas, etc. 

    And now that our Colorado government is going to keep all the excess taxes that they have raped from me, I am seriously thinking about throwing myself off of a bridge.   

    You would do better not making assumptions. (That would mean that you do not know what you are talking about). Assuming that I am retired, living off the government, and know nothing about finding jobs, is your first mistake.

    I have lost two jobs since turning 40 years old am currently working and have no intention to give up working for several more years.


    Incidently, I do not understand how you can afford a computer and the internet connection you are using since you claim you have been forced to spend all your money on those trivial things you mention.

    Because you say that you will soon be jumping off a bridge, you won't be a witness to my actual retirement (with or without SSA).
     
    June 11, 2007, 2:35 pm CDT

    What next?

    We have a 21 year old boy who is struggling with becoming a man.  We've attempted to get him into college 3 times now and each time, in a new way, he let's us know he just isn't going to go with our flow.  I can accept that, except that 4-8 months after being "on his own", he calls and says he's miserable and wants to get back to school.  We've decided on this last round that if he truly wants to get back to school, he'll have to find his own way; but my heart is breaking.  How do I handle that terribly sad call I know is coming without feeling like I'm abandoning my child?
     
    September 10, 2007, 12:28 am CDT

    03/29 Next Generation of Moochers

    I am a 22 year old male who has Spina Bifida from Portugal and is living at home with my parents. I am mature and grown up and also rely on my parents for my special needs. I try to help around the house like setting the table and doing other things. I don't ask for money and I don't mooch off my parents. My parents are fine with me living ith them. I respect them and I don't take advantage of  them. i have no plans to get a job or live on my own since I am a a person with special needs who could not live on my own without the support fromsomeone else. I think saying that everybody living with their parents is not mature and grownup is just stupid. I am alot more grown up and mature than those young adults on that show. I am not using my disablity as an excuse.
     
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