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Topic : 03/13 Infidelity Aftermath

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Created on : Friday, November 04, 2005, 02:51:01 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard3

(Original Air Date: 11/10/05) Lies, deceit, sex and scandal. Dr. Phil speaks with husbands and wives who've been caught cheating — and are paying the price. Albert and Camille have been married 11 years, but she hasn't been able to trust him since his affair three years ago. Albert admits to cheating, and says he would do it again if he knew he could get away with a "freebie!" Camille is convinced he's still involved with other women, but Albert says he's not cheating. Then, Danielle and Chris were high school sweethearts, but less than three months after getting married, Danielle found herself in the arms of another man. Numerous affairs later, Danielle is pregnant with another man's child. Can these marriages survive this much betrayal?  Join the discussion.

 

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November 8, 2005, 5:45 pm CST

11/10 Infidelity Aftermath

Quote From: beirne

I found out 6 months ago that my husband had been cheating on me.  We are married over 30 years.  He became friendly with a woman and after a long time they began an affair which has lasted over 3 years.    He ended it when I found out, and since then he has done everything to make amends.  However there are so many questions that I have, and he is getting very tired of answering them, he says it is time to move on.  I just do not believe that he has told me the whole truth and while I do not think he is seeing her at the moment , i think in time they may meet and it will start all over  We live so near to each other.  I keep wanting to go and ask her her side of the story and then I stop myself.  What do others think, should I go and ask her or should I leave it.  I am so upset and I feel so betrayed by my husband and I want to move on and forgive but I am stuck.  I can think of nothing else but his betrayal of me and my family. H e swears it is all over but how do I know. 

What experiences do other wives have about talking to the "Other Woman" 

If you have the opportunity to talk to her and find out her side of the story, maybe you should. I wish i would've done that right away after my husband told me about his "thing". Instead, here i am almost 3 years later still procrastinating about it. My husband told me basically what happened right away but did'nt tell me who he broke my heart with for 8 months after. So by the time he did tell me that detail i was even more embarrassed and humiliated at the idea of her knowing that i'd been in the dark about her identity for that long.  He swore up and down, this and that, worst mistake he ever made, loves me, said he told her right after it happened it was a mistake and nothing ever happened again. I tend to believe that nothing else happened after the night he threw us away because he put alot of effort into repairing the damage. But since he was capable of doing that to us, i think i'm always going to feel like it could happen again. I always wonder what her version of it is, and i may still need to find out. It's not that he tries to make himself blameless but....I don't know, and i would like to, mostly because i feel like a big fool and it still hurts. I quit asking my questions after he told me who it was, then it seemed like we started being careful to avoid the subject. Now here i am 3 years later wishing i'd done things differently. I guess you never know how you're going to react when someone you love and trust with your heart hurts you so bad. Keep asking questions, you're entitled to the answers, it's only been 6 months for you. If you feel up to confronting her do it. It might give you some of your strength back. Say a little prayer.
 
November 9, 2005, 6:22 am CST

am there as well

Quote From: katia1975

I am very interested to see this show, mainly because it is something I am dealing with right now.  For the last 2 years I have been making excuses for his behavior but this time when I found out he came home, after being out of town, to the locks changed, his stuff packed and gone and me out of his life.  I have heard everything I have wanted to hear from him but I have learned that he is good an telling me what I want to hear but not so good in following through with what he says.   

  

I have found our relationship carries much a parellel to the cycle of abuse - things get better (honeymoon period) things start to slide, I catch him with another ad on a dating website, it blows up, it gets better, it starts to slide...well you get the idea.  I did not go back this time as I figure if I do all am I telling him is it is okay to treat me this way, because there are no consequences for his actions.  But I will not be treated this way, and I do not want my son to think that this is how you treat women.  He says he is going to go to counselling.  I told him if he completed 6 months and then I got to talk to his therapist about how he is doing and the progress they feel he is making then maybe we can talk about other stuff, but sadly I am not holding my breath 

  

It was the hardest thing I have ever done in my life, I cried myself to sleep and then woke up crying for almost two weeks, my wedding is cancelled, I had to take personal leave from work at a job I just started at (fortunately I have the most understanding boss in the world) and I have a very confused little boy who's main concern is "who is gonna love you mommy if *name* does not marry you?".  but with it brings a freedom of choice and freedom of autonomy.  I now control my life instead of him controlling it thorugh his actions.  I have found out how strong I really am.   Living with constantly not being sure if you can trust your partner is mentally, emotionally, spirtually, and physically exhausting.  And as lonely as it can get some days, I do not regret my choice for one minute.  

I too am going through a newly found out about affair. As he was just busted last thursday. I was going through the checkbook looking for a check and found a receipt that had fallen out. Little did I know, that receipt would turn my life upside down. It was a receipt for flowers- a dozen red roses that had been wired to Indiana. We live in Texas and I knew I didn't receive any flowers. He is a truck driver. <---that is really not the problem. I trust when he is working, he is working. but I have been corrected. As I reviewed his bank statement which also seemed to be out in the open, I found out he had purchased a nice meal and a motel room. In the beginning he denied it. But knowing I had the proof, he had no choice but to confess. He stated that this girl---which I knew to be a friend---was depressed and he sent her flowers to boost her esteem. Said it made him "sick" after he sent them....so sick that 4 days later, he stayed in a motel room with her...which he is still trying to deny he stayed there but he admitted he got for her b/c electricity was cut off at her home..yeah right. Oh by the way, she is married too.. So i confronted her as well, and don't be surprised here, she told me "you are crazy, I don't know what you are talking about"....Thus the lies and deceit..Then he tells me later that "she told him a couple of months ago, she is in love with him".   I was so mad, that I packed all of his things, placed them in our garage and am awaiting him to come get them.  This relationship has been full of abuse-mental and physical, lies, and now cheating. He swears he is in love with me, but how can you be so sure?  I think it is the fear of losing everything. He has never had as much as he has now. Thank God that we have no children together and this can be a clean sweep. But after going to church on Sunday, I am confused about what I should do, any comments will be appreciated. thanks
 
November 9, 2005, 7:29 am CST

11/10 Infidelity Aftermath

Quote From: beirne

I found out 6 months ago that my husband had been cheating on me.  We are married over 30 years.  He became friendly with a woman and after a long time they began an affair which has lasted over 3 years.    He ended it when I found out, and since then he has done everything to make amends.  However there are so many questions that I have, and he is getting very tired of answering them, he says it is time to move on.  I just do not believe that he has told me the whole truth and while I do not think he is seeing her at the moment , i think in time they may meet and it will start all over  We live so near to each other.  I keep wanting to go and ask her her side of the story and then I stop myself.  What do others think, should I go and ask her or should I leave it.  I am so upset and I feel so betrayed by my husband and I want to move on and forgive but I am stuck.  I can think of nothing else but his betrayal of me and my family. H e swears it is all over but how do I know. 

What experiences do other wives have about talking to the "Other Woman" 

Hi, I am sorry for your pain.  In my opinion, I would do whatever you feel you need to do.  If you think talking to the other woman might help you, than do it.  What do you have to lose?  Too bad if he is tired of answering the questions.  You need to get some inner strength and don't be afraid of what you will find out.  Trust yourself to handle it!  It sounds like if you don't confront her, you will always wonder.  Be prepared for some truths and some lies.  Better yet, bring your husband along, and ask them both the questions in the presence of eachother.  If your husband agrees to this, than he has probably told you the majority of the truth.  If he doesn't agree to this, than there is a whole lot more to know.  Whatever you decide to do, make sure it is right for you, and don't lose yourself in the whole process.   Be strong.
 
November 9, 2005, 10:39 am CST

11/10 Infidelity Aftermath

Quote From: beirne

I found out 6 months ago that my husband had been cheating on me.  We are married over 30 years.  He became friendly with a woman and after a long time they began an affair which has lasted over 3 years.    He ended it when I found out, and since then he has done everything to make amends.  However there are so many questions that I have, and he is getting very tired of answering them, he says it is time to move on.  I just do not believe that he has told me the whole truth and while I do not think he is seeing her at the moment , i think in time they may meet and it will start all over  We live so near to each other.  I keep wanting to go and ask her her side of the story and then I stop myself.  What do others think, should I go and ask her or should I leave it.  I am so upset and I feel so betrayed by my husband and I want to move on and forgive but I am stuck.  I can think of nothing else but his betrayal of me and my family. H e swears it is all over but how do I know. 

What experiences do other wives have about talking to the "Other Woman" 

So, your husband is getting tired of answering your questions....Too BAD!   It's NOT UP TO HIM to decide when YOU move on....it's up to YOU!    Six months is NOTHING in scheme of things to heal from an affair, especially one that lasted THREE years and poisoned a thirty year marraige.   You are just GETTING STARTED with the healing, so your DH just better GET USED TO IT!   He messed up for the better part of three years, so he can put a little more EFFORT into helping to repair the enormous damage he's caused.  

  

Your gut instinct about NOT contacting the OW is correct.  My excellent MIL ( herself a two time affair survivor) gave me excellent advice about NOT talking to the other woman....all it does is give HER the opportunity to lie and make yourself doubt your sanity even more.   I wanted to call the biotch and let her have it with both barrels, but that would have just let her think that my husband is well rid of me and that she has to get him away from me.    Instead my husband was amazed at my restraint and the OW ended up throwing the tantrums  and pulling stunts and looking like a psycho.  Guess who my DH chose to stay with?  I know people who have talked with the OW, and to a person they are sorry they ever did.   All it did was bring up more questions and more craziness.  Also, why dignify the OW's presence in your life by acknowledging her?     

  

If you do not believe your husband nor trust him to at least work through this rough patch together...then you didn't have a marraige to begin with.  When you feel the urge to call the OW....call a friend instead.  Log on to the many online support boards.   Write down what you feel and bring it to your next therapy appointment.  

  

If you have not entered counseling with your husband, I strongly urge you to do that now.   Tell your husband that you are NOT at peace and if he wants to make things better, then he has to step up to the plate and DO THE WORK necessary required to heal.   If he refuses to go then go by yourself and be prepared for every eventuality.  

  

Sending you lots of HUGS and empathy to your situation.   Good Luck.  

  

  

  

 
November 9, 2005, 10:42 am CST

11/10 Infidelity Aftermath

I have had a really hard time getting over the affair my husband had.  I found out about it 8 months ago and I am no better now than I was then.  I also told myself that if ever any man treated me like this I would just leave, but it is harder than you think... We have 3 children and I don't want  to hurt them.  He has gone to therapy and has tried to make things better and I think he is truly sorry for what he did. It is  extremely hard for me to leave because I feel like our 17 year marriage and our beautiful children are worth a shot at holding this marriage together.  I say this,  but its all so very hard.  I feel just as betrayed today as I did the day I found out.  I am totally devastated that a person who claims to love me could ever want  to cause me this much pain.  I am so angry because I don't understand why??? Why do you jeapordize everything? Why do you forfeit your children? How do you lie and cheat to someone that has taken care of you when you were sick that has birthed your children, how do you go out and hurt them so badly?? I don't understand.  I feel ugly now and I feel like he puts us on the same level as this women, this women has come to my home and has cused me and my kids as if we did something to her.  I have never spoken to this women and I don't care to. We have had to have her arrested. We have had to get a restraining order against her.  I don't understand how he chose to spend OUR time with a person who has no morals and no values and who could harm us.?  Why would he think that she was worth more than his wife and children?? I'm so mixed up and I stay angry and I truly believe I would have done better had I left , but it is extremely hard especially when you are being begged to stay and you want your children to be happy, I feel like they are worth everything I have, funny how he didn't feel that. This woman is dirt on the bottom of my families shoes, how could he have ever put her first.  I don't think I will ever understand.  I do know that it is something that I could never do to person.  It is not in me to purposely and knowingly hurt and betray another person, and I guess thats the part I don't get, what kind of person does this?  He has also destroyed my self esteem, I have seen this women and I do not feel like she is attractive at all, in fact I think she is ugly, so does he think she looks better than me and then that makes me feel worse cause she is ugly and I never thought I was.  This situation is something I would never wish upon another person, it is awful!!!! Forgive the typing errors!!! 

 
November 9, 2005, 11:22 am CST

11/10 Infidelity Aftermath

Quote From: freedom8

Hi, I am sorry for your pain.  In my opinion, I would do whatever you feel you need to do.  If you think talking to the other woman might help you, than do it.  What do you have to lose?  Too bad if he is tired of answering the questions.  You need to get some inner strength and don't be afraid of what you will find out.  Trust yourself to handle it!  It sounds like if you don't confront her, you will always wonder.  Be prepared for some truths and some lies.  Better yet, bring your husband along, and ask them both the questions in the presence of eachother.  If your husband agrees to this, than he has probably told you the majority of the truth.  If he doesn't agree to this, than there is a whole lot more to know.  Whatever you decide to do, make sure it is right for you, and don't lose yourself in the whole process.   Be strong.

I completely understand how you are feeling right now, I found out that my husband of 15 years was "cheating" on me.  Although they did not actually ever have sex they had an emotional affair with eachother and for me was just as bad as if he would have slept with her.  When I found out about it I made him leave our home.  He has since come back and has done everything I have asked him to make this right including calling her and telling her he could not be friends with her.  He did call her and he told her all the right things.  I did call her once and it did not go as I planned.  I was too emotional.  The bottom line for me was I love my husband he made a mistake (the first in 15 years) and I owed it to myself and him to give him another chance.  The first couple of weeks I drove us both crazy with questions, having the need for details.  I did this to the point that I was driving him away instead of toward me.  One day I woke up and decided this is not how I want to live and we have not discussed it since.  In some aspects it helped bring us closer together and made us realize just how much we loved eachother and we both needed to make changes in order to make our marriage work. 

  

 
November 9, 2005, 12:18 pm CST

It happened to me and mine

I just found out this past Labor Day for sure that my husband was haveing an affair and who the woman was. It was my neighbor whom one of her daughters and mine are very close friends and she lives 2 doors away.  

Our marriage hasn't been the greatest for about the last 5yrs.  I had an accident on my job (broke my wrist) and some how ended up with this nerve disease called: Reflex Sympthetic Dystrophy-RSD for short.  Most people have never even heard of it much less know what it is.  I went through so much pain at the time it was unbearable . I know that put a very big strain on my relationship with my husband dealing with my mood swings,etc. Through it all he always said "I'm not going anywhere- I love you and I am here for you". Then the early part of this year there were other things going on and I had to see a therapist because I was very depressed and almost had a break down. I needed him so bad and by this time he was just as far away as he could be. I tried to make him understand that I was trying to get myself out of this thing that I was in- fighting it hard but he could not or should I say didn't want to see it.  

Then there were times when I was put on Anxiety medication that really helped put me on the right track I tried really talking to my husband telling him how I felt and nothing. His cell phone was like his life line. He could not live without it. Always kept it by his side, if he left the house and forgot it he ran back to get it. I asked him one night if he had a woman he said no.  But I know he always stuck up for this woman when ever I would say something negative about her. Like the fact that she is a closet acoholic, she sleeps around, etc. He would always say I didn't know her and I should stop talking about her. When he would take our daughter to the movies he would take her daughter, etc.  The topper to this was this went on for 2yrs. and the 2 of them sat her daughters down and told them not to let my daughter know and if the oldest daughter had a problem with that she should talk to him. 

Well we had started marriage counseling the week before this came out. He lied of course when he got cought and the next day called me and said he had to tell me the whole truth. Since then he has said he has only spoken to her once. I checked his cell phone calls on the internet and he called her a few times right after  the last being Oct. 5th. She on the other hand has continued to call him. I have asked him why. He said he didn't remember. Then he said he told her there was no more contact. I told him yesterday I need him to tell her no verbal or otherwise cause that leaves an opening but he doesn't see it. I know he's only  telling me what I want to hear. He keeps telling me he came home, he went before the church, he wants to move on and be the best husband and father he can be, and that he only loves me .  BUT!!! There's that doubt in my mind. 

 
November 9, 2005, 1:36 pm CST

solving your pain

   

Now, I wish I had JUST the answer.

  

 

 

  

 

I have experienced your situation.  I waited about 6 years before deciding to pay a surprise visit to my husband's lover....which was after we divorced and had began seeing each other again.  I was plagued with severe anxiety attacks, depression, among other emotions.  I almost let his deceptions ruin my life.  I tried very hard to gain control of my emotions and self-worth.  I went back to school, finished 3 years of undergrad and continued for a PhD--partly to verify my value to myself.  Along with the affair, I began to see that he had been VERY deceptive in other areas of our life. After being successful materially, we even lost everything- EVERYTHING- through bankruptcy....  The pain for all of the "awakenings" has been horrific.  Yet, I think the affair was the most difficult.

  

 

  

 

As I said, I decided at long last to visit "her."  It was the BEST move of my life.  She was actually a nice person...and very pretty (which I figured).  I came to understand that the affair had gone on for some ?? number of years.  I was GLAD that she got to SEE ME....a real person and that I was a really NICE person.  It is SO sad that she/he truly destroyed a seemingly close-knit family...4 children and 22+ years.   Interestingly, I saw that she was a real person.  Lonely perhaps?  I don't know the details...I forgot to ask them.  And he was SHOCKED to find out (days later) that I had visited her.

  

 

 

  

 

I had begun to attend worship again....I prayed so hard that my feelings of "myself" would come back.  AFTER visiting HER, I began to really forgive BOTH of them.  It IS NOT okay.  I still have days that I cry, 11 years later.  However, the journey of forgiveness is finally really happening.

  

 

 

  

 

I have learned how to take care of myself, see things in a much different perspective, understand so much more about living and dying, be more compassionate, understand my own faults, keep on going when it felt there was nothing to live for....

  

 

I WISH THAT I COULD GO BACK 20 YEARS and understand what I understand now....I WISH THE AFFAIR(S) had never, never happened.  I wish I could fix the cracked family relationships.  I wish that I could have been stronger for my children and made much better decisions……I wish I wish I wish.

  

 

 

  

 

However, without all of the difficulties, I would never have learned so many things.

  

 

 

  

 

Perhaps, you will grow in ways never imagined.

  

 

 

  

 

Good luck to you!

  

 

  

 
November 9, 2005, 1:44 pm CST

"THE PAST PREDICTS THE FUTURE"

Quote From: beirne

I found out 6 months ago that my husband had been cheating on me.  We are married over 30 years.  He became friendly with a woman and after a long time they began an affair which has lasted over 3 years.    He ended it when I found out, and since then he has done everything to make amends.  However there are so many questions that I have, and he is getting very tired of answering them, he says it is time to move on.  I just do not believe that he has told me the whole truth and while I do not think he is seeing her at the moment , i think in time they may meet and it will start all over  We live so near to each other.  I keep wanting to go and ask her her side of the story and then I stop myself.  What do others think, should I go and ask her or should I leave it.  I am so upset and I feel so betrayed by my husband and I want to move on and forgive but I am stuck.  I can think of nothing else but his betrayal of me and my family. H e swears it is all over but how do I know. 

What experiences do other wives have about talking to the "Other Woman" 

You & Husband has been  married for over 30 yrs and hes spent the last 3 yrs. in a affair with another women and leading a double life. So hes lied, decieved, and betrayed you for 3 yrs. I think 1 mistake can be forgiven, but if that person makes that same mistake its no longer a mistake. The fact that your husband had a affair for 3 yrs. even if this is his 1st. mistake>>>"ISNT A MISTAKE". He had a affair for 3 yrs and He would still be in the affair if it wasnt for "YOU FINDING OUT". Then how many more yrs. would he still be in the affair, another "2 OR 3 YRS. OR MORE"? I think if you asked the other women or your husband questions "THEY`ED BOTH LIE TO YOU". There both made for each other. Pack his bags and have him move in with her. Let them cheat and lie on each other. "ONCE A CHEATER ALWAYS A CHEATER". Its your life and you have to be the one who makes the life changing choices. So, 'GOOD LUCK TO YOU & YOUR FAMILY"
 
November 9, 2005, 2:35 pm CST

"I`D LIKE TO KNOW TO"

Quote From: katrin

I don't know why people continue to stay married if all they are going to do is cheat. What is the point??? Numerous affairs... would do again if wouldn't get caught... I just don't get it. What happened to the vows these people took. I am so sick of it. This is one of the things that make me not want to get married!!! It seems like more than not, in married couples, one of the two are being unfaithful. Does anyone care about people other than themselves??? I am tired of it. I could never imagine being with anyone other than my boyfriend, but I can tell you one thing... If he ever cheated, even kissed another woman, I would be gone faster than he could say he was sorry. I am worth more than that. He knows it, but that's the thing... No one tells anyone, it's a big society secret among all. Everyone has everyone's back. I can honestly tell you that out of all the couples I know and there are a lot... Only 2 couples have been 100% faithful (that I know of). It makes me sick to my stomach. One of the couples I know... the husband is married to his best friends sister... They both have cheated on their wives... but what gets me is that it's his SISTER'S husband he is doing this with. They go out, find other women, have sex, and go home to their wives. It's sad when you have even more loyalty to your friends rather than your family. Needles to say, we don't hang out with those couples anymore... I can't look at those women and know what I know and have them not believe me when I tell them what I know about their husbands. What has happened to the sacred marriage, and the vows people take??? That's what I want to know.  
"I 110% AGREE WITH YOU". Theres no point in being married if theres cheating involved. My sons divorce was final 2 wks. ago. They were married 7 yrs. and the last 3 yrs. she cheated on him with 5 different men and cheated on the 5 men.  "FOOL ME ONCE SHAME ON  YOU>>>FOOL ME TWICE SHAME ON ME". Some people cheat on there partners even before they marry that partner. It dont seem like nothing in a non-marrital or marriage relationship is sacred. Some wedding vows are just spoken words that doesnt mean nothing "THERE JUST SAYING IT TO BE SAYING IT". Some people are weak minded and give in to there temptations. We all have to be strong willed and loving and not give in to temptations like cheating, drugs, etc. People who cheat only think of themselves. They dont think of who they hurt and the pain they cause there loved one, kids and family or the lives they destroy.  Theres a place for cheating people like that and its "NOT HEAVEN".
 
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