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Topic : 03/13 Infidelity Aftermath

Number of Replies: 558
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Created on : Friday, November 04, 2005, 02:51:01 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard3

(Original Air Date: 11/10/05) Lies, deceit, sex and scandal. Dr. Phil speaks with husbands and wives who've been caught cheating — and are paying the price. Albert and Camille have been married 11 years, but she hasn't been able to trust him since his affair three years ago. Albert admits to cheating, and says he would do it again if he knew he could get away with a "freebie!" Camille is convinced he's still involved with other women, but Albert says he's not cheating. Then, Danielle and Chris were high school sweethearts, but less than three months after getting married, Danielle found herself in the arms of another man. Numerous affairs later, Danielle is pregnant with another man's child. Can these marriages survive this much betrayal?  Join the discussion.

 

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November 10, 2005, 8:18 am CST

Surviving infidelity

My now husband and I dated for 8 years before we married.  While dating he cheated on me with 1 other girlfriend,and I found out about it, put up with it and fought it for 4 years.  It wasn't until I made it clear that I was out of there and not going to put up with it any more that he stopped.  We have been happily married for 13 years and  have 3 great kids.  It took years to regain the trust we lost during the troubled years and once or twice a year I still need to check on him.  My heart floats every time he's cleared!  I'd like to say I trust him completely but a quick follow up every now and then is needed for my continued peace of mind.  We never fight about it, I don't throw it in his face and he isn't aware of my rare 'check-ups', but when will 15 years of faithfullness be enough for me?
 
November 10, 2005, 8:33 am CST

I advise against confrontation

Quote From: llynn66

If you have the opportunity to talk to her and find out her side of the story, maybe you should. I wish i would've done that right away after my husband told me about his "thing". Instead, here i am almost 3 years later still procrastinating about it. My husband told me basically what happened right away but did'nt tell me who he broke my heart with for 8 months after. So by the time he did tell me that detail i was even more embarrassed and humiliated at the idea of her knowing that i'd been in the dark about her identity for that long.  He swore up and down, this and that, worst mistake he ever made, loves me, said he told her right after it happened it was a mistake and nothing ever happened again. I tend to believe that nothing else happened after the night he threw us away because he put alot of effort into repairing the damage. But since he was capable of doing that to us, i think i'm always going to feel like it could happen again. I always wonder what her version of it is, and i may still need to find out. It's not that he tries to make himself blameless but....I don't know, and i would like to, mostly because i feel like a big fool and it still hurts. I quit asking my questions after he told me who it was, then it seemed like we started being careful to avoid the subject. Now here i am 3 years later wishing i'd done things differently. I guess you never know how you're going to react when someone you love and trust with your heart hurts you so bad. Keep asking questions, you're entitled to the answers, it's only been 6 months for you. If you feel up to confronting her do it. It might give you some of your strength back. Say a little prayer.
I have witnessed my sister face her husbands infidelity three times in 15 years of marraige, and instead of confronting her husband, she always wants to confront the other woman.  I have listened to her bash and blame the other woman, and have had to remind her that her husband is just as guilty, if not more so.  He has often told her that he initiated the affair by asking the woman out.  I do not understand the need to "know" more about the affair.  What is it you want to know?  And what good is it to ask the other person?  They definitely do not want to hear from you.  There is no pride in being caught with another womans husband, especially if she was told a divorce was imminent, or told some other believable story, which is what my sisters husband tells these women.  Put yourself in her shoes; she is probably ashamed and embarrased no matter who instigated the affair .  Confrontation will just be painful and stir everything back up.  It resolves nothing.  The husband needs to be dealt with, pure and simple.  My sister stays with her husband because she doesn't want to fend for herself, but never presses him to get counselling or take responsibility for his behaviour.  We are getting tired of going through this about every five years.  The underlying causes are in the marraige, not in some outsider.
 
November 10, 2005, 9:28 am CST

Stop this now...

Camille and Albert...  Camille he told you that he would do it again so no matter how much time and energy to put into trying to fix things with him, theres a very good chance that he will do it again.  When it happens, if it does, everything you wouldve done to fix it this time will all go down the toilet. 

  

  

 
November 10, 2005, 9:34 am CST

OK, This is just my opinion...

I have been divorced once, and am currently happily married.  I have never been cheated on, my first marriage had other problems, but both my mother and sister were cheated on.  I have watched them over the years, and I see such a huge difference between them and myself, and I really think that it is significant.  Both of them looked at marriage as something they needed to be valid / valued as women / people.  When they were cheated on, it was obvious that they were so dependent on being that person's wife that there would be no real consequences to getting caught, other than alot of ugliness, which can be avoided simply by ignoring the other person.  If I were cheated on, I would act very selfishly about it.  Here's what I would do:  wait until the cheater is home, and in charge of everything (house, kids - I have three), let them know I am going on a little vaca, and then go someplace cool, and not check in at all for at least three days.  At that point, they would be terrified, and would at the very least know if you are worth keeping.  That's where I would start, althought I seriously doubt the marriage would last anyway.   

  

Another thought, cheating is SO common, it's obviously a challenge to prevent.  So why not use strong measures for a big threat?  My husband knows I would go ballistic on him if he cheated, and frankly, if I cheated, I would fear for the guy's physical health (haha)!   

  

SO many women (and men) are trapped by: religious fears, fear of looking like a failure, financial dependencies - it just makes the temptation to cheat even stronger because the spouse knows there probably won't be a big consequence.  The truth is, if you've been cheated on, the damage is already done to you personally.  Hanging on, being "patient," etc, doesn't change that.  Patient my butt! 

  

Just an opinion... have a nice day!!  

 
November 10, 2005, 9:52 am CST

11/10 Infidelity Aftermath

Are any of you out there women who have cheated on their husbands or boyfriends?  I got a lot out of the show from the other side of the fence, so to speak.  What jumped out at me was when he said "would you do this with your wife standing next to you...".   I also wonder why someone stays with people like me.  I doubt I would have stayed with my husband had tables been turned.   

  

  

 
November 10, 2005, 10:12 am CST

Been There

 My husband and I married very young and had only known each other for 8 months by the time we married.  Obviously, this presented all sorts of problems in our marriage.  We had to do a lot of growing and growing up together.

We went through all sorts of troubles and trials that you go through in a marriage when you don't know each other and you both are too stubborn to change.  I was a SAHM who had no friends and no way to go out with them if I had them because my husband was gone from 9 in the morning until 1 or 2 in the morning at work.  Both of us were really unhappy with our roles in life.

He cheated on me while I was out of town.  Apparently, he felt so bad about the incident he swore never to do it again and that he would make our marriage his first priority.  I say apparently because I didn't know about it.  I never suspected because our sex life didn't change.  We were and are 5 to 8 times a week people.  Things there seemed normal so it never occured to me.

I didn't find out about it until 3 years later when he decided to tell me.  He told me he felt he had to tell me because he felt our marriage couldn't be real until everything was open and honest.  I still resent him telling me at all.  I honestly feel I could be blissfully happy not ever knowing about it.

It threw me for a loop because I didn't know what to do at that point.  Could you leave someone for a mistake they had made years before and had already atoned for and swore not to make again?  I mean, he made himself an open book for me at that point.  He would call and check in several times a day, he made himself available to be checked up on and never once made me feel like I was a problem or an annoyance for needing him to answer my questions no matter how many times I asked him.  (Something some other cheaters need to do.  Only way you're going to earn back that trust is to make yourself that open book.  And not resent your spouse for needing that.  If it annoys you, you really should have thought of that BEFORE you cheated and decided to stay in the relationship.)

But still, the anger, the resentment and the way the whole incident made me feel worthless made me want to leave.  I felt I couldn't be with someone who treated me like this, even if they weren't treating me like that anymore.

It's been 3 years since he told me and we have had two more children since.  He still leaves himself open to be checked up on and such and I have told him I've forgiven him.  But sometimes I still get angry.  Sometimes I still get resentful and sometimes I still want revenge.  I'm a very sexual person and for me this represented the ultimate rejection.  Most of the time I'm happy with him, but it still hurts.  I get frustrated because it still hurts.  I keep hoping it will stop at some point, but every time I think about it I get angry.  Which is why I stick it deep down inside and try not to think about it.

I'm not going to leave him.  (Though he knows I'll be straight out if it ever happens again and I know what signs to watch for if it does.  I told him I can't raise daughters in a house where that behavior might be thought to be acceptable.)  But sometimes I still get mad at him.  I wonder when it's going to stop.  I don't want to be celebrating our 40th anniversery and still be mad.


 
November 10, 2005, 10:12 am CST

11/10 Infidelity Aftermath

Quote From: angbow

I too am going through a newly found out about affair. As he was just busted last thursday. I was going through the checkbook looking for a check and found a receipt that had fallen out. Little did I know, that receipt would turn my life upside down. It was a receipt for flowers- a dozen red roses that had been wired to Indiana. We live in Texas and I knew I didn't receive any flowers. He is a truck driver. <---that is really not the problem. I trust when he is working, he is working. but I have been corrected. As I reviewed his bank statement which also seemed to be out in the open, I found out he had purchased a nice meal and a motel room. In the beginning he denied it. But knowing I had the proof, he had no choice but to confess. He stated that this girl---which I knew to be a friend---was depressed and he sent her flowers to boost her esteem. Said it made him "sick" after he sent them....so sick that 4 days later, he stayed in a motel room with her...which he is still trying to deny he stayed there but he admitted he got for her b/c electricity was cut off at her home..yeah right. Oh by the way, she is married too.. So i confronted her as well, and don't be surprised here, she told me "you are crazy, I don't know what you are talking about"....Thus the lies and deceit..Then he tells me later that "she told him a couple of months ago, she is in love with him".   I was so mad, that I packed all of his things, placed them in our garage and am awaiting him to come get them.  This relationship has been full of abuse-mental and physical, lies, and now cheating. He swears he is in love with me, but how can you be so sure?  I think it is the fear of losing everything. He has never had as much as he has now. Thank God that we have no children together and this can be a clean sweep. But after going to church on Sunday, I am confused about what I should do, any comments will be appreciated. thanks

You say that your relationship has been full of mental and physical abuse and lies and now you find he has been cheating. Unless he is really willing to come completely clean and make every effort to solve all of the problems in your marriage AND you are willing to do all of the work necessary to recover from the abuse and infidelity, your decision to end the marriage is correct. 

  

I believe that most marriages can be fixed but it takes a lot of hard work and a real commitment. 

 
November 10, 2005, 10:18 am CST

so confused

I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and we are currently both in college.  We attend seperate schools which are 7 hours apart.  Therefore we dont see eachother all that much.  When we are home and physically togehter thigns are wonderful.  But when we are away at school he lies, cheats, and decieves me.  It has gotten to the point where I just am tired of questioning him and alwasy feeling like hes up to somehting.  Last year was his first year away and since we are so young (21) and neither of us is ready to be 100% seroius it was left that the relationship would be open but we werent supposed to get consistent with anyone else and if we did we were supposed to break it off with one another.  Needless to say he started seeing someone behind my back for over 5 months.  I found out about her from her and then he admitted everything.  He then ended things wiht her in hopes that we would work things out.  He has made it clear to her that she is more for convienience and I am the one he is in love with but she is so insecure she will take whatever she can get wtih him.  This happened 2 or 3 times.  We always get back together and then its stressful becuase there is no trust and then I find out he is lying again. This time he says really he is changed and he would never wawnt to hurt me again.  

He makes me feel like I am the center of his world.  He alwasy tells me how much he loves me and we plan a future together.  But I dont want a future with a liar and Im so young I dont want to waste time. I just dont knwo if this is something that he will grow out of because he is immature or if this is one of those cases where I sound like an abused vicitim making excuses.   

 
November 10, 2005, 10:27 am CST

Cheated on and back together

My husband of 9 years cheated on me while I was pregnant with our 3rd child. The affair started in my 8th month. I knew something was going on and he kept calling me a psycho. 5 minutes after our child was born he made an excuse about having to get home and let the dog out. He left and I started bleeding out. I almost lost my life that night, while he was living it up with the office bimbo in my bed. 3 weeks after I got home we got into an arguement. He claimed he didn't love me and he didn't want to live at home anymore. He packed up and left me with 3 kids,bills,and really no excuse as to why he didn't love me. I found out by going through some cell phone bills that this particular number kept popping up at crazy times. I called it and a woman answered. My phone number is one digit off of my husbands. When she answered the phone she said, Hey baby I've been waiting for your call. Surprise surprise. I then found hotel reciepts with her liscene plate number registered but my husbands name attached to it. My husband admitted to the affair that night. Through lots of questions and a little detective work I found out her name and address. I not only confronted her but I also confronted her husband! I showed him all of my proof. Low and behold a couple of days later the affair stopped. I started my life over. I re-discovered myself and realized just how strong of a woman I really was and really wanted to become. 3 months after everything happened my husband begged me to take him back. Things between us have definately changed, my trust with him is not there at all. He has taken a huge roll in parenting and marriage which was never there before. I have been able to grow as an independant person but he also values me as a partner. Do I think I was crazy for taking him back? Sometimes. Do I think he'll cheat again? Sometimes. Am I a better person after all of this? Definately! I have no fear in ever being by myself again. I have no fear in taking control and living my life for me and my kids. I have no fear in confronting others. I can stand up for myself, love myself, and show my kids just what it takes to make it in this world. I don't need him in my life to live, his love and presence in my life is just a bonus. If it disappears again...I will go on this time without the hurt and pain. I am who I want to be now. He sees that and loves me for it. As for the other woman, we moved 4 hours away from her. Her husband has been told by other men that she is still sleeping around on him. She's very unhappy in her life and marriage. He refuses to let her go. All I can say is too bad for her. I guess we get what we give!
 
November 10, 2005, 10:27 am CST

Good idea

Quote From: paulmish2

I have been divorced once, and am currently happily married.  I have never been cheated on, my first marriage had other problems, but both my mother and sister were cheated on.  I have watched them over the years, and I see such a huge difference between them and myself, and I really think that it is significant.  Both of them looked at marriage as something they needed to be valid / valued as women / people.  When they were cheated on, it was obvious that they were so dependent on being that person's wife that there would be no real consequences to getting caught, other than alot of ugliness, which can be avoided simply by ignoring the other person.  If I were cheated on, I would act very selfishly about it.  Here's what I would do:  wait until the cheater is home, and in charge of everything (house, kids - I have three), let them know I am going on a little vaca, and then go someplace cool, and not check in at all for at least three days.  At that point, they would be terrified, and would at the very least know if you are worth keeping.  That's where I would start, althought I seriously doubt the marriage would last anyway.   

  

Another thought, cheating is SO common, it's obviously a challenge to prevent.  So why not use strong measures for a big threat?  My husband knows I would go ballistic on him if he cheated, and frankly, if I cheated, I would fear for the guy's physical health (haha)!   

  

SO many women (and men) are trapped by: religious fears, fear of looking like a failure, financial dependencies - it just makes the temptation to cheat even stronger because the spouse knows there probably won't be a big consequence.  The truth is, if you've been cheated on, the damage is already done to you personally.  Hanging on, being "patient," etc, doesn't change that.  Patient my butt! 

  

Just an opinion... have a nice day!!  

I think its s good idea except dont leave the kids with someone like that, its not fair to them. TAke the kids and go ,leaving the house in a mess.
 
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