Topic : 03/13 Infidelity Aftermath

Now, don't let the word "God" scare you.  I truly believe it's a personal relationship with a God of one's own understanding.  I strayed in my marriage after we had been together for 15 years.  This is something I never thought I would do; I didn't even think I was capable of it.  When I relapsed back into active alcoholism after 13 years I was so completely out of control that I found another addiction.  I acted out sexually with many men whom I didn't even know.  I met them on the Internet and even went to met one out of state.  This is how I was caught; thank God.  When my husband found me out I was devastated.  I thought I was going to lose everything.  We have two beautiful boys and our financial situation at the time was terrible; we were about to lose our home.  I guess I basically gave up and when I first placed myself in a situation where I had to make the decision to cheat, I felt exhilarated.  It was like finding a new drug.  I felt like I had some control in this area since I was so out of control in all other areas of my life.  It's only by God's grace that I didn't end up with some crazy person who left me by the side of the road in a bunch of pieces.  I was so totally out of control.  When my husband found me and I came home he insisted I go to alcohol and drug treatment.  I really didn't think I could get sober again and had no hope of recovering my life in any sense of the word but I did what he said to try and save my marriage.  While in treatment people were put in my path who had had some of the same experiences and were living sober, meaningful lives.  I hung onto them and the 12 steps of recovery.  I developed a new relationship with a god of my understanding and my husband joined a 12 step program for family members of those with the disease of addiction.  As a direct result of these programs and our own willingness to be honest with ourselves and each other and really looking within ourselves God has restored our marriage.  After 3 years of recovery my husband got down on bended knee and asked me to renew our wedding vows; we had a covenant marriage before our church and family!  What an awesome experience!  This was a true statement of forgiveness!!  We have discovered that our real purpose in this world is to use our experience to help others.  The divorce rate in this country has gotten completely out of control and something needs to be done.  It's much too easy to get divorced.  Obviously both parties must be willing to make some serious changes and leaving the marriage is not the solution.  The problem will continue in the next relationship if one does not deal with the real issue and that is within one's self.  I just hope someone reads this and gets some hope.  Take it from someone who knows, your life can change in a beautiful way if you're willing to look within; it's an inside job. 

i lived this for 18 years.  It ended up in me having to file for divorce when the kids were 16 years old. He just kept cheating and lying over and over. It wasn't until I realized that the kids would think it was okay to stay married to a man who cheated and lied. I was worried that my son would do the same to a woman. I finally found the courage to leave, best choice ever. Don't kid yourself he will never change. It was really hard, but in the end the best for all of us.

Camille: Buy Albert a DVD of "Fatal Attraction." 'Nuff said.

What I wish people would realize before they go and have an affair, that if they have children, their actions will ruin their lives.  Children are like sponges, they absorb more information in their childhood than they will when they are adults.  Having an affair on your spouse shows children it is ok to cheat, lie and deceive.  An adulterer, sets the stage for their child's relational development and cheating can be passed down from parent to child.  My mother was cheated on, on several occasions in her first marriage and it has ruined her as person.  She grew up seeing her own mother being cheated on and she thought it was something men did, so she sat there and took it for a really long time.  I have three older brothers from her first marriage and they have never had contact with their biological father after he had left my mom.  Lucky for them, they have my dad, who has taken care of them and raised them to be the best men I know, but had it not been for my dad, they would be hurting their spouses just as their father had.  How dare a parent commit adultery, and bring their selfishness to the front.  I just don't understand why people cheat, unless I know that one of their parents had done it and so they were brought up thinking it was acceptable.  Marriage is supposed a beautiful union, where learning, growth, passion, friendship, and love are the outcome.  IF YOU DON'T WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THE SAME PERSON FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE, DON'T GET MARRIED!!!!!!!!!  As far as I am concerned, even though I am young, I have seen and been through a lot, and if my fiance ever cheated on me, he would lose everything he had.  I would make sure to tell his whole family what a selfish, pig-headed loser he was, and had we been married with children, he would never see them again, unless he got professional help because I will never let my children feel the brunt of what I had to feel when my mom had a bad day and was hurting because of her past.  To Albert and all those who think their behavior is ok, I hope your children do not grow up to be like you.

If you were talking in response to me.  Thanks.  I have started putting money aside.  Right now I don't have enough nor am I in a position to go.  We are talking of moving again, this time to the midwest (job related) which would make it less expensive for me to live and be closer to my family (still several hundred miles, but not over a thousand anymore).  I figure if things don't change soon, I'm going to have to get out, but I do need to be prepared.  I'm beginning to get things going to start doing that, but it is a slow process.  I know my husband loves me, of that I have no doubt, it's just that I also know he doesn't understand love and respect as it should be.  His mother cheated on his father (who divorced her), but he (my husband) obviously didn't learn anything from it.  All I can ask for is prayers that I can turn his life around (I've made a lot of progress on other fronts with him) and get him to realize how much he hurts me and how much he will be hurting the children as they get older if he doesn't change.

Now, don't let the word "God" put you off.  It's really a god of your own understanding.  I have been through what you're going through.   I too cheated on a wonderful man and he found out.  I had many encounters and was finally caught when I met a man out of town.  That's what it took to get my attention.  Sex was like a drug to me and I couldn't get enough; I felt powerful and in control which, of course, was an illusion.  I am a recovering alcoholic and drug addict and had relapsed after 13 years when I found a new addiction.  I tried to get sober again after my first sexual encounter because the guilt was killing me; literally.  I just couldn't forgive myself and relapsed several times in succession.  Each time I acted out sexually with a new man, a stranger!  How crazy is that?!  Thank God I was caught because it changed my life in ways I never imagined!  I went to a treatment center at my husband's insistence and there I got some hope for my recovery.  In the meantime, my husband joined a 12 step group for family of those addicted.  With him working on himself and me working on myself and us being honest with each other, the wounds began to heal.  We make it a priority to help others and this helps us.  See, selfishness and self centeredness is what can and will kill me so I have to get out of myself at every opportunity.  In the beginning I did this because I had to and now I do it because I love it!  After 3 years of sobriety my husband asked me to renew our vows and we had a covenant wedding before our church and family!  He has truly forgiven me and now we spend our time trying to help others with our own experience!  Take heart, show your willingness to change, ask a Higher Power to help you and lead you in the direction you should go and trust the outcome to Him and I promise all will be well.

I have been with my kids father for 10 years and I know that He had cheated on me 2 times caught one time I know hee cheated the first time I was preg 2 weeks before my e.d.d. he left me living in a motel with some friends of his for another woman that he informed me he had been sleeping with her about 3 months then while preg with our second child i went in for my 27 week check up and found out that I had an std which he denies he had cheated yet again.then past time i was living 150 miles away while i went to school we were having problems but I believed we were togther then found out that the reason he would not move us back down here when i finished school was because he was having another woman living with him then i moved back down closer for the kids to b able to see thier father more he informed me that he wanted to work on his family yet againso he moved back in with us he informed me his girlfriend was being abused so being from an abusive relationship myself i allowed her to move into only for them to go to a motel then i caught them kissing on my couch where my children could have walked in too see he moved out shortly later now he is home yet again i want to trust him so much i love him i love our family but i feel so ugly inside i cry 24/7 and i dont know what to do

  

Tell Her You Love Her. 

Tell Her You Will Always Be Here For Her. 

Let Her Know That She Can Always Depend On You And Your Belief In Her. 

  

Explain to her that you are tired of listening to an abuse that she is unwilling to change. Tell her not to tell you about the next girl he cheats on her with. Let her know that it is unresolvable, because she is the only one who can change the situation. However, you are tired of hearing about that which she is unable or unwilling to change. Don't forget to remind her that you are there for her and you love her unconditionally. 

  

Every time she wants to discuss his cheating tell her firmly that as long as she is incapable of taking back her power, her self-respect, and her dignity this is an experience you are willing to do without. It is not your road to travel, it is hers until she realizes that she deserves more than better, because she is a princess and should be protected from harm and hurt. 

  

Change the subject after giving her a hug and telling her you care and love her. 

  

This is going to drive her crazy and consume her, because you are not willing to listen to her self-abuse and acceptance of some idiot emotionally using and abusing her. 

  

When she is ready to leave him for good, validate her decision by letting her know that you are proud of her then go out and celebrate with her. 

  

Don't bitch, don't complain, don't enable, don't listen, JUST LOVE HER AND BE THERE FOR HER. 

  

  

  

  

  

  

  

Cammile has repeatedly denied any responsibility. That's totally false.She needs to at least take the responsibility for tolerating Alberts affairs. She's the enabler! She invites it! That means she has little or no respect for herself. So it's no surprise that he takes full advantage of her. It's clear that she's much too attached to Albert. And attachment (neediness) isn't love.Get some guidance...individually.Peace and love, Donny