Topic : 03/13 Infidelity Aftermath

Watching the show today I felt compelled to share my story - the first time I posted on this site. 

  

My family is a victim of infidelity. I caught my wife involved in an affair back in 1997 and it tore my insides apart, I felt like I was going to die. She claimed to still love me, but felt that we needed time apart to figure out what we wanted to do. In the meantime she continued to talk to and see her 'boyfriend". We were married 10 years at that time with three young children and a succesful business that we both worked in. I had always been a good child growing up, was the smartest in my class, did not smoke, do drugs and only an occassional drink. I was respectful of my parents and others. I met my wife in 1986 and she was my first love, I had remained a virgin waiting for my wife. We were married in 1987 and shared a very exciting passionate relationship. We did have ups and downs, but minor things and we had lots of great and wonderful times. 

  

After the affair, nothing was the same - she seemed focused on affairs, those other people were in, or might be in. I really don't know any longer if she was faithful to me up until I caught her, or if she was faithful to me after - i just don't know any more. Shortly after, perhaps due to stree - I was diagnosed with Type 2 diabetes, high blood pressure, high triglycerides, and high cholesterol. Me and my kids rode a roller coaster with that woman for most of the last 8 years. She left me a total of 3 times, the last time in December of 2000 and she often left the kids to live with me because I believe she wanted her "freedom" to be with other men. I was caught in it and were the kids. It ended up putting me in the mental health section of the local hospital after two suicide attempts. I am still in counselling today and on anti-depressants. I have been separated from her since Dec 2000, but the roller coaster has run until only recently. I have finally gotten enough strength to admit that no matter how much I may love her (and I do) and no matter how much she may love me - that she is very bad for me and for the childrenn and I cannot be with her. I fight this every day, because inside I would still give anything to be happy with her and the kids the way things were before all of this happened. I see her often the way that I want to see her, and not the way that she actually is!! 

  

Through out all of this - I spent a month in hospital for my depression, had a couple incidences with the police, lost my business with over $1.3 million in assets, lost my job, have had virtually no income in the last 3 + years, filed for bankruptcy, had my children kept away from me even though I was their pimary care giver, now paying child support when I can't afford to, watched my oldest son quit school at age 14, and not get a job - he has had suicide attempts, he has suffered greatly. In addition during this time period, my father and grandmother both died and I was extremely close to both of them. 

  

What keeps me going today??  Some days I know - my kids - number 1, I don't want to leave them behind thinking I don't care about them. Other days, when I struggle - I don't know. Can' find the right job, don't have any money, not succesful after a life filled with success, my health is poor. 

  

I just hope that the good days outnumber the not so good days and that I don't have many not so good days back to back. 

  

My kids are everything to me - they need me, and I need them. God, do I need them!! 

  

I was and you're welcome. 

  

Do not touch your saved money for anything in this world and definitely not for this next move. That money is your lifeline. Continue to save, no excuses. 

  

You can not change him. Don't kill the messenger. YOU CAN NOT CHANGE ANOTHER WOMAN'S CHILD, HIS FOUNDATION IS SET. 

  

Whatever! Believe what you want. Continue to save save save for the sake of your children. 

I can't leave, but I don't know what to do.  

  

You CAN leave or make him leave. 

  

Go and see a lawyer and find out what your rights are if you decide not to continue tolerate his infidelity. Then, open your own account in your own bank and ensure there is enough in it for a couple of months. Finally, copy all of the documents you need-tax returns, investment accounts, pension statements etc. 

  

When you are completely ready to leave safely and comfortably, do it.  It doesn't mean that the marriage can't be saved, but it does teach him that you won't tolerate this conduct.  If he isn't prepared to do the hard work it takes to make your marriage work, you will be ready to dissolve the marriage. 

I am going through a simular experiance right now. My fiance told me 2 months ago that she has been having an affair for the last year and a half. I have always been a strong minded person. I always thought that if she ever cheated on me that I would make her leave., but something happens to you and untill your in this kind of situation it's hard to say what you would do. We have been together for 9 years and we have a 7 year old son. I have cried my eyes out , begged her to stay, told her to leave but then tell her not to go. I cannot imagine my life without her. It is a very confusing situation to go through! This is the person that you give all of your love to and they turn around and give there love to someone else. My head tells me to let her go but my heart wants her to stay. So everyone that is saying to just move on think about if you actually could. It is very hard.

I know I cannot change what his Mom did.  The hard part for me, is that I still love him.  No matter how mad I get (and I do) and no matter how much I feel like I hate him at times, I still love him.  However, you are right.  I have to save and I have to take stock of me.  Something I haven't been doing til lately.  As I get closer to 40 (only a couple of years), I realize that I can't live the rest of my life like this.   I waited til I was 31 before I got married because I wanted it to be the right guy.  I knew on our first date he was the one for me.  It's just later that things got complicated and confusing.  I'm not a proponent of divorce and that's why this is so hard for me.  I waited so long because I never wanted to be divorced.  Now it's just tough.  SO, all I ask is for prayers that things will work out the way they are supposed to.  I know God has a plan for me and will make things go His way.  Thank you.

This show brought to mind an old saying............." If mamma ain't happy, ain't no body happy!" Be it moms or dads that are not happy.........everyone suffers........not just the immediate family; but friends who may have to deal with the situation also. Kids are not stupid!!!!!!!!. they can tell if mom and dad are not friends, and I would say that it would be hard to be friends with someone that you can not trust and respect. I have left relationships because of lack of respect, and I sometimes feel that I may have been selfish in my act of leaving.........but who's gonna look after me if I don't.? Others have told me that they admire me for having the ability to pack it in and start over. Yes life is short, and I applaud those that have the strategies to live their whole life with that "one" person.  I totally  agree with Dr. Phil on his thinking about  getting a backbone and not waiting for someone else to decide YOUR future.

There is nothing to be ashamed of.  This problem has affected mankind for years. The important thing is to never put yourself in such a weak position again.

 
I met a girl at the bar on the easter weekend. All went well, then for the next 3 months we were casually seeing each other. Then on the last weekend in June, she went to a wedding. There was a guy who was at the wedding who she has had relations with before and she ended up sleeping with him. When she got back on Sunday, I knew something weird happened but she didn't tell me until monday what had happened.

I didn't talk to her for a week then she called me and came over. I asked her a ton of questions on of which was "did she know something was going to happen?" She said yes. She also said she felt sick to her stomach every time she thinks about that weekend and that she wont talk to him anymore.

I feel that because of that weekend, our relationship went from a casual relationship (we were both fresh out of longterm relationships) to where we are now: living together and talking about marriage.

Things are way better than they every were but I just cant get that thought out of my head about her with another guy. I get a sick feeling in my stomach every time I think about it and I worry alot about her cheating on me even though she says she never will. I know that if that weekend in June didn't happen, we would never be where we are now. but I wish for my sake, it never happened.

I just wish I could stop thinking about it.

Hi. This is my first time on Dr Phil's site after watching today's show. I have never reached out in this way before either, so take it easy on me. I cheated on my husband three times. The last time was over 8 years ago, but I did not fully disclose all the details to him. I manipulated the truth in order to not lose him. He now knows the truth, but feels that our entire 13 year marriage has been based on a lie (and it has). I am ashamed of myself and what I have done to not only him, but our children and entire family. I lied to so many people that I love. I feel tremendous guilt and remorse. I would give my life to be able to go back and make better choices. We have separated and are seeking help from a marriage counselor. I truly hope that he can find it in his heart to forgive me and we can turn this around. Thanks for reading my story.

My situation isn't infidelity....yet.  My husband and I have been married for 2 1/2 yrs.  Shortly after marrying him I answered our home phone one day and it was a former girlfriend.  I thought it inappropriate and said so.  Then before long this woman and that woman was calling.  When confronted he said these were "friends" he's had for yrs and there was nothing going on between them.  I don't believe a word.  I have a problem with this since he never mentioned these "friends" prior to us getting married.   I feel he should have told me about them and let me decide if this was something I was willing to go along with or not.  He took my choice away.  I asked him to end these friendships; especially the friendships with the former girlfriends because I just felt they were inappropriate.  He argued there was nothing going on with them but eventually agreed to end them, but it wasn't long before I discovered he had NOT done that.  All he did was ask them not to call our home.  He began talking to them on his cell phone.  I began to notice he'd sit around the house with his cell phone on his hip on vibrate.  Then I noticed if it did ring he wouldn't attempt to answer it.  So to confirm my suspicions I began peeking in his emails.(His fault for using his name as his password)  And there I discovered I was right.  He WAS still communicating with these women.  In one email from one, who happened to be bi-sexual, she was talking about her new lover and he was inquiring about "joining them".  I was devasted.  And of course I confronted him.  He again vowed to end these friendships but he's still doing it.  The disrespect is incredible.  And he wonders why things are the way they are.  Why our sex life is like pouring cold syrup now.  I am constantly depressed and overreating.  And he is quick to express concern; asking what he can do.  He can stop being so damn deceptive.  That would be a start.  I am constantly wondering what does he get from these "friendships".  Why would he jeopardize our marriage for these "friendships"?  I'm so frustrated I don't know what to do.  He doesn't seem to realize that this fundamental disrespect affects everything else.  He just doesn't seem  to get that.  Sorry I don't mean to vent.