Topic : 03/13 Infidelity Aftermath

There is a HUGE difference between a couple openly and without unfair pressure deciding to have an open or polygamous relationship and a man pretending to be monogamous, insisting that his wife is monogamous and sneaking around with other women.  

  

If a couple has a differrent understanding of what they want their relationship to be-I say good for them! I don't believe in living in a prison of society's expectations. I do think people need to talk over their plans and make sure that they have understandings about things like safe sex and the nature of their committment.  Those kinds of relationships IMO take MORE openess and honesty, not less. 

  

  To the person who keeps finding evidence that your husband keeps contacting "friends" behind your back,  PLEASE take a serious look at whether you want to stay in this marriage before you have kids.  I caught my husband playing around with some one on the web before we had kids and forgave him.  Then after we had children I caught him having an affair with an old friend.  Believe me, if you think wrestling with what he is doing to you and what you should do is tough, think of how much tougher it will be if you also have to consider what is best for the chilren that are also his.

Call a suicide prevention line immediately.  Do not consider suicide for your sake and for your children's.  It hurts a lot right now, but life is worth living.  You have young children who need you and will miss you if you do something that would be regretable.  NEVER consider suicide as a solution.  Please call the prevention hotline now.  It may help just to talk to someone who doesn't know you or your wife.  An outsider can give you a better perspective.  Also, maybe you should find a church or a clergyman (if you don't have one) that you can talk to.  God has a plan for you and dying by your own hand is not it.  God Bless you and take care.

  

  

  I know how confused you feel. My husband of 28 years cheated on me. I am still hurting but I find myself blaming the other woman. The difference is...the other woman was his therapist. He wasn't going there for marriage counselling. It was for help he needed for something that had nothing to do with our marriage.  I've been living with this pain and anguish for years and it just won't go away. That's why I snarl when someone recommends therapy. Some of them should go over their manual and read about ethics. 

HEre is the thing. The other woman will not give you what you need. She knew what she was doing to you and your family. If she dose tell you things it will be out of revenge, or she will be mad at you because he choose you over her. So anything she tells you will have alterior motives. I have gone through this myself. I drove 350 miles to confront a woman, and it was a big waste of time. She told me things, but it made it no better. I would love to talk with you more about this, but it is far to personal to post here. Your story and feelings are exactly like mine were. But today I am ok. It never goes away, but I would love to talk with you more about it if you would like. You can email me. I think my email is in my profile. And I sincerly hope that you will be ok!

After being with my husband for 14 years, I found out he had been having an affair with a school time sweetheart for 7 of those years. In fact, I knew it...I had accused him of it at the beginning of the affair, but he made me feel so bad about accusing him, so I just put it out of my mind; however, a year ago in August I found emails from him to her and from her to him. I was shocked at the things he told her, and she knew all about my family. It threw me in a tailspin. He had me painted as an ogre to make himself gain sympathy from her, and he even used our kids to see her, including on Fathers Day. We went to some counselling, but I did not find it helpful. Soon after I found out, he lost his job he had for 35 years, so this toppled me over. We are working on a relationship and rebuilding the trust, but it is hard work and not for people who do not believe in hard work. It can be done, but trust is a hard thing to regain after such a loss. I do not believe the sex part bothered me nearly as much as the intimacy he shared with her about our life together. He even gave her son a job. Remember, trust is a bridge, and once it is broken, it is hard to rebuild, but it can be done one stone at a time. As the person who was cheated on, I had to give myself permission to be angry and to grieve. I did not like it because it is not who I am, but I had to do it. My husband did not want to talk about her and the affair either. He thought I should be over it in five minutes, but that was so he would not have to feel the pain he caused me and our family. A cheater does not just betray his/her spouse, but he also betrays the family.

Unless Dr Phil et al has a problem with it, you're welcome to the tape I have (I always have to leave before its over so tape whatever is showing for the day, just tape over the prior days show) 

Post your email addy in your profile and I'll contact you through it to find out where to send it. 

I'm hoping someone out there in email land can give me some helpful advice. I am a strong black woman who vowed that she would never take having her husband cheating on her and was really very impatient with women that I know that have stayed with her men after finding out that the had been cheated on. You know the saying that if you think your man is cheating on you then he is, well I think he is. There has been one phone number that keeps popping up on his cell phone, when I ask him about it he says, "it's just something to do with work" now keep in mind that my husband works in a very large hospital in a totally different department than this woman who is a cafeteria worker, he is a computer anaylsis. When confronted with my questions he tries to turn it around on me to make me feel like a heel for questioning his fidelity. He will even either hide his cell phone or totally clear all of the numbers off, but every now and then I can get a hold of it before he has a chance to take them off. He has even said to me " I was intentionally doing things to make me look guilty just to get a rise out of you to make you communicate". What a crock, needless to say I told him that he would have to come up with one better than that. Any comments of advice out there? I just want to catch him soo bad and so good that he can't lie his way out of  it. He also uses the excuse of going to one particular store usually after 10"clock at night and come home sometimes midnight, sometimes 1-1:30pm, with no proof that he's been to the store and expect me to believe it!! 

Desparate to find the truth and get divorce proceedings in motion. 

  

I fully understand the pain of what you are going through, but suicide is NOT the answer to this problem. From your picture, I am assuming you have a lovely family, and suicide would also kill your children. Seek counselling immediately to help guide you through this trying time. An affair, though difficult, is not the hardest thing a person could go through. Burying a dad due to suicide is. Burying a son due to suicide is. Your wife is not going to change. People have affairs because they are unhappy with themselves. No one can give them happiness; they must discover it on their own. Please call a friend or family member NOW! I will pray for you.