Topic : 03/13 Infidelity Aftermath

  I know how confused you feel. My husband of 28 years cheated on me. I am still hurting but I find myself blaming the other woman. The difference is...the other woman was his therapist. He wasn't going there for marriage counselling. It was for help he needed for something that had nothing to do with our marriage.  I've been living with this pain and anguish for years and it just won't go away. That's why I snarl when someone recommends therapy. Some of them should go over their manual and read about ethics. 

Reading the posts have made me really think.  Just last weekend I got so mad at my husband because he plays golf  ALOT and I feel ignored.  I am expecting our first child and I know that our alone time is on the downward spiral. 

My husband is as honest as can be, if he is going to be late coming home from work he calls, when he goes out with friends he is always where he says he is going to be,  he has a long commute everyday, so he always emails me from work so I know he got there safely. 

I guess I shouldn't complain too much about being a "golf widow" when I see what some of you ladies have to live with. 

I have been dating my boyfriend for 4 years and we are currently both in college.  We attend seperate schools which are 7 hours apart.  Therefore we dont see eachother all that much.  When we are home and physically togehter thigns are wonderful.  But when we are away at school he lies, cheats, and decieves me.  It has gotten to the point where I just am tired of questioning him and alwasy feeling like hes up to somehting.  Last year was his first year away and since we are so young (21) and neither of us is ready to be 100% seroius it was left that the relationship would be open but we werent supposed to get consistent with anyone else and if we did we were supposed to break it off with one another.  Needless to say he started seeing someone behind my back for over 5 months.  I found out about her from her and then he admitted everything.  He then ended things wiht her in hopes that we would work things out.  He has made it clear to her that she is more for convienience and I am the one he is in love with but she is so insecure she will take whatever she can get wtih him.  This happened 2 or 3 times.  We always get back together and then its stressful becuase there is no trust and then I find out he is lying again. This time he says really he is changed and he would never wawnt to hurt me again.  

He makes me feel like I am the center of his world.  He alwasy tells me how much he loves me and we plan a future together.  But I dont want a future with a liar and Im so young I dont want to waste time. I just dont knwo if this is something that he will grow out of because he is immature or if this is one of those cases where I sound like an abused vicitim making excuses.   

I'm hoping someone out there in email land can give me some helpful advice. I am a strong black woman who vowed that she would never take having her husband cheating on her and was really very impatient with women that I know that have stayed with her men after finding out that the had been cheated on. You know the saying that if you think your man is cheating on you then he is, well I think he is. There has been one phone number that keeps popping up on his cell phone, when I ask him about it he says, "it's just something to do with work" now keep in mind that my husband works in a very large hospital in a totally different department than this woman who is a cafeteria worker, he is a computer anaylsis. When confronted with my questions he tries to turn it around on me to make me feel like a heel for questioning his fidelity. He will even either hide his cell phone or totally clear all of the numbers off, but every now and then I can get a hold of it before he has a chance to take them off. He has even said to me " I was intentionally doing things to make me look guilty just to get a rise out of you to make you communicate". What a crock, needless to say I told him that he would have to come up with one better than that. Any comments of advice out there? I just want to catch him soo bad and so good that he can't lie his way out of  it. He also uses the excuse of going to one particular store usually after 10"clock at night and come home sometimes midnight, sometimes 1-1:30pm, with no proof that he's been to the store and expect me to believe it!! 

Desparate to find the truth and get divorce proceedings in motion. 

I have a humorous and ironic tale about infidelity! 

Years ago when I was married to my first husband he cheated on me.  I had gone to a friend's dinner party and our roommate had a huge party.  I found the evidence (used condom) on the floor next to our bed.  At first he said the guys were just playing around blowing up the condoms (I didn't get close enough to it to examine it), but then when we were lying in bed he told me he had slept with someone in our bed during the party.  I became so livid I made him throw the bed away and buy me a new one.  He told me details about the encounter to try and make me feel better, things in extreme detail about her sexual skills that put her in a very bad light.  So the next day I went in to work and a dozen red roses showed up.  A lady I worked with asked what they were for.  I told her the whole story, going into the extreme detail about the sexual encounter as my husband had told it, how this girl wasn't very skilled and it was the worst sex of his life, etc etc. 

I kept asking him who it was (I really did want to know), but he wouldn't tell me. 

Several months later while we were living in a different place, he told me who it was.  Come to find out it was that coworker of mine who I had spilled the beans to, without realizing that she was the one I was talking about.  I started laughing really really hard.  He asked me what was so funny.  I told him, "Hey, remember the day after that party where you cheated on me?  Well, when I went to work the next day I told S all about the gory details!"  By this time I'm laughing so hard...but my husband was not so amused.  He was completely embarrassed and mortified. 

In short, I got my *revenge* without even realizing it!  

This was the first but not the last time he did this to me.  I'm not sure why people want to be married to someone they are planning on cheating on anyway (stability, I suppose).  If you want to play the field, be single for cripes sake! 

Unless Dr Phil et al has a problem with it, you're welcome to the tape I have (I always have to leave before its over so tape whatever is showing for the day, just tape over the prior days show) 

Post your email addy in your profile and I'll contact you through it to find out where to send it.