Topic : 03/13 Infidelity Aftermath

Hello and let me say, I am going through the exact same thing as well.  I just found out about my husband's affair September 23rd.  It hasn't been 2 months and he already expects me to not discuss the "issue" any more.  However, just like yours, mine has still been in contact with his "woman".  It doesn't matter to me that he says it was for business purposes only.  My husband sells cars for a living.  He sold a car to this woman for one of her teenagers.  From then on he started talking to her via his cell, then via Yahoo Messenger.  Then they started meeting personally.  They would have dinner together in his car, or other places.  They also had oral relations in their vehicles.  This lasted for about a year and a half.  Supposedly he had ended the relationship the day I found out.  But, just 4 days ago she called him and he didn't tell me about it.  I found out quite by accident, because he was stupid enough to let my daughter-in-law to be borrow his personal cell phone.  There was a voice mail from her in which she told him she was sorry she missed his call and for him to call her back, and closed the message with "Love You".  Devastation is close to what I felt upon listening to that message.  Of course I confonted him about it that very evening and we argued, but we stuck it out until we could talk calmly and discuss it rationally.  I want to believe that he is not still contacting her and that this was just some fluke.  What hurts even more is knowing the promise he made me not to contact her again, he still called her back.   I told him that I was going to contact her and tell her that if she called him again I would contact her husband and tell him about the whole affair.  He later begged me not to, because she has threatened him before that if he ever told her husband, she would have no problem having her family members take care of him.  Could just be bunch of bunk, to protect his little lover (not so litte-matter of fact more overweight than I am), but I can't take that risk with my kids lives.  I did take his cell phone and if that TWIT calls that cell again, I will call her.  I know where she works, I just don't know her last name or where she lives.  I do know that he has her husband's cell phone number somewhere.  As vindictive as he says that she is, I believe I can match her.  I just don't want my children to pay for my vindictiveness.  How else can I let her know that she needs to stay away from my husband?  By the way, the same night I heard that voice mail on his cell is the same night this show was aired on my cable channel.  That was completely ironic, wasn't it?

You have written exactly what my Pastor, and even my Family Doctor has told/suggested to me.  I find that you saying this reinforces it.  My husband and I are seeking counseling from  a Pastor friend of the family.  We have a very long way to go, mostly because I think my husband is still in denial about the true extent and nature of his affair.  He is always making statements to try to minimize his sexual relationship with her.  What he still doesn't seem to get it that is isn't the sex that is tearing me up so much.  It is the intimate relationship with her.  The feelings of Love that he professed for her, the statements that he would rather be with her than with me.  That he would spend time and money with and on her that he should have spent with and on me and the kids.  I have had him get tested for diseases and those have come back clean.  But, that doesn't mean I am ready to trust him with my heart or body just yet.  I know that I will eventually have to forgive him, but I have not reached that in my recovery.  Will I ever be able to, that is the true question?  There are days when I can see that future, but there are just as many days when I can't.  Letting this wall down again will truly be the most risky move.  But I at least have some concrete ideas of how to go about recovering and rebuilding.  Thanks! 

Sounds like you are probably right about your husband. It sounds as if your decision has already been made and you are just waiting for the proof  to come in. But think about it, do you really want to invest the time, energy and (not to mention) the heartache that comes with that proof? Don't spend your time on being the detective here. It can become your life's mission and know that it is a painful game with no winners.

You sound to me like a strong and determined woman. For example you could just sit him down and say, "You know I don't tolerate infidelity, and I don't feel secure in this marriage anymore. I want out." Save yourself the running around with detectives, following him in rental cars and all those indignities.

It doesn't have to be about getting the proof. The fact that you don't feel that you are in a trusting relationship is enough to take action.

Give yourself the dignity you deserve.

I agree with you completely, Yes, I do feel like i'm on a bad ride and just want to get off. Wish it could work that way, but unfortunately, it doesn't.

Something I wanted to share with you that helps keep me sane is that I very quickly dropped all the questions and discussions of the details of the "cheating." I don't want to harp on it, not because it's not important but because we've already established that he is a liar and a cheat. I know that. He knows that. So what do I do now?

I think, "do I really want to wrap my life around this incident?" I don't want to fuse my life to his problems. I don't want to know the sordid details, I don't need closure, because there is no closure. This will always be with me. Do I want to spend the rest of my life talking or thinking about this? NO, THANK YOU. I deserve much better than that and I demand that I give that to myself.

Basically, I have shifted the focus to where it belongs. Away from HIM and to ME. Think to yourself, "What do I want? Enough of me devoting my energies and thoughts on HIM. Now I want to find and save ME."

I've been reading these message boards and god its so sad!! I only thank god i never had children with my finance. I just wish for one second the cheaters and their partners could have a look inside the minds and souls of those lives they shattered.  It your self worth your self esteem that is crushed but then again thats to say any of them have a conscience!!  

  

my story---  

Well after a long 6 yrs relationship (which I'm so embarrassed to admit the signs were all there) 4 months ago i got a phone call from a 20 year old telling me my finance was her boyfriend!! Sadly i guess i knew r relationship was doomed from the beginning but i guess i was to weak to walk away.  Within the first year his x was calling and clamming that they were still together, the first lie 1 "She cant get over the fact that its done", however i found cards, phones bill (which conversations went both ways), gifts.  Then she went away for awhile about 8 months. Now into or 2 and 3 year she moves to Vegas and its starts all over again cards, calling text message, gifts.  My heart was broken and my self esteem just crushed but i stayed, god i don't know why.  Then her mom passed and little did i know that on a day everyone would remember the Black out of the east coast, he left me at his up north cabin for 3 days while he went to her moms funereal. No he didn't tell me, i later found out when i found her thank cards.  Shortly after that a tragedy happened to him and i couldn't leave him (or wasn't stronger enough once again).  That x-mas she sent gifts once again.  Did i mention we started living together into our 1st year.  So ya merry Christmas to me.  The sickest part is his own mother hid the gifts for him after clamming they were sending them back to her.  Anyhow. Just the year i moved out about 7 months ago finally having enough and at the very least gonna try and put me back together.  Well on 4th of July while visiting my mother in the hospital i get a phone call from a 20 year old girl saying "I've been with him".  My heart just sank, even with the problems before the other girl never would say they were intimate and in the last 4 yrs just wanted to be his friend, but now heres the real deal.  The hole time he was with her he begged me "Baby please come home".  We went engagement ring shopping 3 weeks before i moved out which would've been during the 1st month of there "Whatever"!  He took to what was our home, slept with her in my bed that i left behind because i had no place for it!  I spent that entire day talking to this girl whom i felt sorry for she was only 20 and i just kept telling her how sorry i was she was brought into an already messed up situation.  I never yelled at her 4 what!   The girl and her sister were telling me they'd pray for me.  Here i am thinking I've spent 6 years with him she(self-admitting) was with him for 2months, and I'm consoling her.  Then come to find out that she didn't call to tell me to be a good person she called cuz he ended it with her a month before and she was stalking him, she showed up at his house July 3 completely drunk barley able to stand up crying and saying she took a bottle of volume.  which stupidly mad me feel worse for her.  Well after that day i never contacted her again, my boyfriend calls me up saying that that day she cut herself had her sister punch her a few times then call the police saying he did it.  Her brother was a cop and was going to somehow get him in trouble.  Which to my own stupidity pulled at my heart strings and i talked to him. Then the next day his father had a stroke, and i had 2 deaths in my family one being a very close relative.  Which in my own state of depression made me allow him to still be apart of my life.  I know I'm stupid!  So i decided that after 6 years i would try to get passed his infidelity.  Why promises from him to go work on himself with a professional.  About 3 weeks later after her calling  20 times a day he changed his phone number.  Within 3 days the real side of her was shown to me, she started calling my phone leaving graphic disgusting messages, leaving message to him crying saying i love you, and having her girlfriends do the same.  So i just changed my number i figured she was freaking out cuz she couldn't get a hold of him so mess with me and my head.  Her own sister leaves a message to me saying sorry and that shortly before she met him she was involved with a married man that she drove his wife so crazy she tried to run her off the road.  So i thought its over!!!! GUESS again she somehow begged one of his friends for his new number and has been calling sending text messages and so on.  No he didn't tell me. But i think i had told him when it first happened was if you have any contact ANY what so ever I'm done.  Little did i know its been going on for a couple months now, his excuse is "I didn't want to tell you cuz i was afraid you wouldn't believe that she got my number", "I just messed back with her and ripped on her telling her was a psycho loser she was".  All i know is i can't take it any more!! I haven't spoke to him in days and I'm trying to be stronger and just move on.  I feel lost and alone and devastated.  The worst part i blame myself!!!!!!

See this is what is sick and unforgivable!! Your a woman going through the fight of your life and he's a coward.  All i can say is fight for U and your life and your daughters thats whats important.  I hate to say this but he put your life in his hands god forbid he gave you a STD with a death sentence.  I swear there should be laws against people knowing infecting others especially there own wife!! Love yourself get help! There is a man out there waiting to love and take care of you and see all the beautiful qualities you posses.  Your obviously a stronger woman fighting breast cancer so Please please don't let this worthless human being strive on your strength and beauty!!!!!!!! 

  

I had the same thing happen to me. My husband of 8 years dumped me while I was going through Chemo for breast cancer. He said he was attracted to big breasted women. What a piece of garbage. I blamed myself for years. I am fully recovered and married to the doctor who treated me. Life is truly amazing.

I think it would be good for both of us to keep in touch. At least for me it helps to know that there is someone who is going through and has gone through a situation so remarkably similiar  to my own.  You can reach me on yahoo at the same e-mail name.

Thank you for your reply   I think maybe you are right.  Iknow that this is about me and my husband and our marriage, and I feel that I should not let her have the satisfaction of being included in my struggle to make my marrige work.  However it is tormenting me that I know he lied to me about things that happened in their relationship, like the fact that it was ending anyway when for the last month before I found out the text and phone messages increased  He says that is because they were ending it and talking things thru Very hard for me to believe  Then I think to myself he was a lying cheating so and so anyway so why do I expect him to tell the truth now!!!!  he is trying very hard but everytime he goes out I want to follow him and see if he is meeting her  Will the pain ever end I ask myself? Please God things will get easier.