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Topic : 11/14 Dr. Phil and Robin's First Wives Club

Number of Replies: 382
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Created on : Friday, November 11, 2005, 05:25:24 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1

They gave everything to their husbands: years of support, a good home and children. Then out of the blue, their husbands tell them they love someone else and walked out forever. Now, four angry, jilted first wives join Dr. Phil and Robin for an intensive two-day retreat to pick up the pieces, reclaim their independence and move forward with their lives. Will a wake-up call from Dr. Phil and Robin empower them to start over? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

 

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November 14, 2005, 8:20 am CST

To those going through a divorce:

Allow yourself to be angry.  Grab a baby sitter if you need one, get in your car and drive to a remote area and scream at him and tell him how much you hate him and get everything off your chest that you need to.   

Forgive yourself.  You cannot be a mother until you get rid of the guilt.  Forgive yourself for being manipulated, cheated on, disgraced, hurt, angry everything. 

Then go to a friends house and ask them to help you get back on track.  Make a plan with someone.  Create a new you!  Get a friend or two to call you and just check on you.  Get involved with your kids or a community project.  Get out there and learn to love humanity again... 

All of you are special, loving, worthy of love, creative, fun, energetic, and beautiful inside and outside.   

Learn to love yourself again.  Treat yourself to a massage or a bubble bath once a month.  Give yourself a facial...  Anything. 

I am on the threshold of getting married.  I love him and I know he loves me but I think both of us are afraid of the big D word.  My parents went through divorce and I know that only increases my chances.   

Don't forget the kids will need counseling.  Even if they seem okay.  They still need someone to talk to. 

Love and hope to each of you! 

RNB 

 
November 14, 2005, 8:28 am CST

Things wil get better

Quote From: hopegraham

Well my husband just dumped me and my two babies still in diapers to run off with a married co-worker, and as far as a 10 year plan, I am still trying to make it day to day.  The overwhelming anger and humiliation are giving me frequent panic attacks.  I have to keep myself together in order to take care of my babies, so I cant even fall apart properly.  And while I continue to soldier on for the sake of my children, he gets to run around with this homewrecker from cheap hotel to the next.  I pray for justice.  In today's society, I cant even legally confront her or even him properly, so I have to hope the man upstairs will take care of that along with protecting what is left of my shattered family.   Plus, there is no real support for mothers like me; it is becoming so common place for men to walk off from their responsibilities that he wont even lose any friends over this.  That doesnt seem right.   

hopegraham@msn.com 

Keep your mind on your children.  Every day you get through is another day without him.  Eventually, you will realize that you are doing it yourself.  There is some great satisfaction in that.  I still get really sad sometimes but I know I can make it on my own.  My kids are my highest priority right now and they (selfishly) serve as a distraction from the pain of the entire situation.  But one day you will wake up and realize you are feeling happier.  I also try to appreciate all the wonderful things in life - the beauty of the world  - fall leaves- the colors, the smell,  the sun breaking through the clouds, a beautiful deer walking across the road who stops and looks me right in the eyes, (I am not religious but I thank God for showing me such beauty when I feel such pain ). These are  little things but by focusing on good, not bad, it helps to surround yourself with happiness instead of gloom.   

  

There will be bad days when you miss him but this is a chance to make new friends.  Get invovled in your children's school.  If they are not in school, go to the park and talk to people.  Kids are a great way to meet other moms.  It helps to surround yourself with friends.   I also joined d a Displaced Homemakers Group with women going through the same things and I also joined an art class.  I also remember that there are a lot of things I can do now and don't have to worry about what "he" wants to do or doesn't want to do.  It is my choice now and I do like that aspect.  

 
November 14, 2005, 8:32 am CST

The OTHER woman

I am amazed that "other women" even want to speak out on here.  Not that the cheating man isn't too blame as well.  the other women make it possible for them to be the selfish jerks they are.  does the wife have ownership in marriage problems?  sure.  so does the husband.  for a woman to believe one person's story as it is fact, and not one person's perception ("she doesn't make me feel special", etc) is naive and foolish.  the "other woman" is worse than the wife who she judges.   

  

someone on here said that a husband should consider how he would feel if his mother were treated this way....good point.  another fact these men forget so easily are their children.  would they want their daughter to meet and marry a man like them, causing them heartache and broken dreams and family?  Would they want their daughters to cheat on their spouses, never finding out what it's like to have a fullfilling, intimate relationship?  what about their sons?  would they want their sons to be cheated on or cheat?  When people cheat on their spouse, they are cheating and cheating on their children.   

  

i think these husbands (and wives who cheat as well) don't understand what love really is anyway.  they think they love others and their children, but those of us who know the deep meaning of what it is like to truly love another human being (and treat them that way) know that these people only think they love.  they have a multitude of reasons they are not capable of love.  They also don't know what it is like to love themselves. 

  

i myself have had quite a few opportunities to be the "other woman" by men who approached me.  (it would have been more if i was one of those other women who "hunt" other people's men....we all know the type...unless you are one...then you don't get it).  i even had a man who lied to me and i found out after kissing him (yuck!) that he was married.  i obviously liked the guy enough to kiss him....or was attracted enough...but it changed after i found out he was married.  i thought, what kind of guy is this?  i told him i wouldn't be involved with a married man.  it would be harder if you are in a more involved relationship before knowing the truth.  yet it still boils down to a decision, and determination not to justify something that is morally wrong.  people who rob banks, murder, and rape all have their own justifications.  the decision is...am i going to be the "other woman", or a woman who is worth something....the woman who will find myself someone honest and unattached.  am i a woman who is worth being the wife and mother of an unattached man's children?   Am i willing to look for someone who is unattached, or am i so insecure, i have to cling to this man, even though he is married or committed to someone else?  Do i think i can find someone else, or am i worried this is the only man left on this planet who would "love" me or have chemistry with me? 

  

i am shocked at the low levels of self worth the cheater and the willing participant have in common.  as long as we have people like this in our world (it takes both kinds) then we will have spouses who won't work hard on their marriages and who won't own up to their own problems.  instead we have jerks who blame their spouse, and someone who is so desparate and clingy, willing to believe anything they are told.  is that a match made in heaven, or what?  i'd say....or what! 

 
November 14, 2005, 8:47 am CST

Why

Why do women put themselves in situations that leave them living in poverty? Why do Women leave it up to the man to support them and the (3.5) children? Why do women think they can be the mom of the year and forget about pleasing and putting the husband first in their life ( yes before the kids) Kids will grow up and find love of their own, move out, and live their lives... if a husband and wife don't put each other first what makes them think they will have any kind of relationship after the kids are grown???  

  

For a women to depend on a male for a paycheck is stupid; they need a education so if and when they are needed to support themselves they can.... STOP DEPENDING ON MEN FOR SUPPORT and step up and be strong not a whinny, weak, dependent female.... 

 
November 14, 2005, 8:58 am CST

To the mistresses..

I'm not judging morally, the moral issue is a no-brainer.  However, it seems to me that it is much harder to capture a man's attention when he is single and free as a bird, than when he is married, and can only look for extra nooky at work, or places that he goes as part of his married life.  Therefore, finding a single man takes more of a woman.  As far as the woman having a "blast," is that just being together with no kids?  'Cause that is a blast for any couple.  Raising kids is sooo hard, that the "blast" get set back somewhat.   

  

Bottom line, you get what you pay for. 

Bottom bottom line, men who cheat may look like they have it made, but they are not on the same level as people who keep their word, and accept their responsibilities.  Don't envy them! 

 
November 14, 2005, 9:19 am CST

To all the home wreckers :

You might think you are cute and smart and sexy right now, because you lured a man away from his family.  Here are a few questions to ask yourselves: What if  you developed breast cancer and had to have one or both of them removed??  what if you were in a car accident that left you with facial scarring or an amputated limb?  How do you plan to stop stretch marks when you become preganant?  if you think "Mr. Wonderful" is going to stand by your side during chemo, or change your diaper, you are so wrong.  At some point we were all pretty young girls, with slim figures and perky breasts, but not even Ponce De Leon couldn't  find the fountain of youth.
 
November 14, 2005, 9:31 am CST

Oh yes, I'm it's WONERFUL right now!!

Quote From: bdkrmwpi

As a woman from the other side of the fence, my married boyfriend just left his wife of 23 years and our lives are now fantastic.  I know this may not last a lifetime, but I'm having a great time in the here-and-now and at this moment I don't really care what the future brings, only what today brings.  I just want to say to the first wives out there: if you want to keep your husband from straying with another start treating your husband with respect.  I'm sure this doesn't apply to all married women out there, but I have seen it many times: the wife nags, complains, lets her appearance go, and doesn't want sex anymore and then has to wonder why her husband ends up in the arms of another.  I have also had a marriage where fidelity was an issue so I'm speaking from experience.  Wives: stop treating your husband like he owes you something and start making your husband's happiness a #1 priority.. before someone else does!   

But just wait.  The first wrinkle will appear, the weight will creep up.....and then all of a sudden..POOF!!! He's gone!!!  You will get older too, and guys who are as immature as yours is will be out of there in a second!  So enjoy these "wonderful" days since they will soon be history. And save your advice to married women. I'm sure there is another side of the story.  Didn't you know that ALL men that cheat have nagging, fat, complaining wives?? Or maybe the stupid mistresses always fall for these lines.   And P.S. I hope you are proud of yourself for helping to destroy someone elses marrriage.  Although the ex-wife may actually be the lucky one!
 
November 14, 2005, 9:31 am CST

Fridays show

I need input. In March, after seeing my Dr., my husband of 5+ years (Ive known him for 20+) confessed to spending the last 3+ years with prostitutes when he travels. During our marriage I found porn in our home and found that he traveled with a dvd player. Just recounting all this makes me sick!!! I told him porn was not something acceptable to me ... get rid of it. I was assured he had. I began asking questions like 'is there anything else other than the porn?' No was always the answer. DUH, what else was he going to say. We separated for 6 mo. and he is back home, and yes he still travels.  Well, Im not happy. I have the underlying feeling that I dont know everything. I dont trust him. Sometimes I dont even like him. I use to look forward to him coming home, now I look forward to him leaving. I thought I wanted the marriage to work. At one time I would have given my life for this man. We do not have kids together, I have two of my own. Can and how does the trust come back?  I listened to all he had to say, went to counseling (he 2x and he is cured!!!). Im tense, anxious, uptight, cant sleep....this sucks. How did anyone else get through this? Is it worth it? do you still double check their every move? I would think by now I would be getting better, but I feel like I did the day in the Dr. office.
 
November 14, 2005, 9:32 am CST

So true!

Quote From: mistyc

I wonder what this "man" and I use that term loosly will tell the next woman about you
And you also gave me a laugh for the day!
 
November 14, 2005, 9:35 am CST

Something tells me

Quote From: what2do

Yay! 

  

Can't wait for my married boyfriend to walk out on his wife.  I'll be watching this show for sure. 

You are going to be waiting a long long time.   Most likely forever. And for what??? A cheating liar who will eventually tire of you and cheat on you!
 
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