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Topic : 11/14 Dr. Phil and Robin's First Wives Club

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Created on : Friday, November 11, 2005, 05:25:24 am
Author : DrPhilBoard1

They gave everything to their husbands: years of support, a good home and children. Then out of the blue, their husbands tell them they love someone else and walked out forever. Now, four angry, jilted first wives join Dr. Phil and Robin for an intensive two-day retreat to pick up the pieces, reclaim their independence and move forward with their lives. Will a wake-up call from Dr. Phil and Robin empower them to start over? Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

 

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November 14, 2005, 9:49 am CST

Women - Stay Calm and do not panic!

I watched the show this morning and it was very disturbing.  I just don't know for sure that my husband is even cheating now - i just know that something has fundamentally changed in our relationship over the last year.  Of course, it was triggered by a life changes - my daughter leaving for college, being on a tight budget because of her college expenses, and a worsening health problem that left me in chronic pain - oh, and the beginnings of menopause.  I was so into these changes that i didn't notice my husband running away - yeah, running away from having to deal with me going through these changes.  And I think if you read through this morning's posts, the one recurring string that runs through other women's stories is that real trouble happened when they were dealing with a significant life change - a pregnancy, the birth of a second child, a death in the family, post partum despression, money crisis, etc.  Maybe Dr. Phil, instead of being so freakin hard on these women would maybe explore why so many men just cannot be there for their women when the times get tough.  For me it is difficult dealing with a cliche - the proverbial midlife crisis husband having an affair and wanting to leave  after 34 years - and you know what?  I don't want a divorce.  I wish he'd get over himself and his crisis. Will my real husband just come back????  I have real problems and am facing two surgeries in the next six months.  gee, honey, thanks!  mind you, i've gone through open heart surgery with this guy, a cancer scare, serious obesity issues and diabetes, high blood pressure - he's a walking time bomb of health issues.  In fact, he's still more than a hundred pounds overweight.  And all i get for 'being there' though good times and bad, is the privilege of finding his stash of viagra on a beautiful spring day.  Believe me, i've run the gamut of every feeling each one of those women felt on the show today.  But honestly, the key is not to panic.  I don't have a job (didn't need one - he was a good provider -and i did work for the first twenty-three years until we relocated for HIS job - to an area where good paying jobs are much harder to land.  so its not like i didn't provide a lot for this family - all while doing EVERYTHING around the house and with/for my children)  and I have no desire to return now to the rat race of the business world.  But he hints that maybe i'd find satifaction in getting a 'little job' .  guess i'm too boring for him now.  I'm also having two surgeries in the next five months - knee replacements - so that i can actually walk again without limping like an old crone and excruiating pain.  And i'm trying to write a book - although its hard to concentrate with all this turmoil.  At first, my response was the really blast him, hire a p.i., go to my lawyer, find out who the skank was that was stealiing my husband away, and who is obviously giving him 'advice' on how to deal with a wife who wasn't good enough anymore.  like dr. phil says, men aren't secretive unless they have something to hide.  i could check his cell, search his wallet and pocket, etc. i could call the other woman - but why give her the satisfaction - she is consciously doing these things to break up my family - gosh, i have known several women who have done this.  they are like a dog with a bone - sometimes, almost evil.  scary, evil women.  but what for?  once i confront him, it just makes it easier for him to leave,maybe screw me over financially.  and right now, i can't even hobble to my lawyer.  So i am biding my time.  I'm also worried about health insurance.  In many ways, i'm luckier than he is.  i don't have to scurry around like a guilty, sneaky little rat - but he does.  i've got friends and family that more than support me.   I do love my husband.  He has always been my hero - he is my kid's hero.  I know it's going to hurt him so much when he realizes how far off the pedestal he's fallen.  But that karmic anvil  is heading his way and will get him soon enough - what goes around comes around.  It's tough that its so painful - I love the guy - its like watching a train wreck in slow motion - but I have to take care of me now.  I want my real husband back, but I have had to face the truth that that may never happen.  so i've gotta deal with it - but i'm not going to do it from a position of weakness.   Well, you just got my cliche of a sad story.  But like on the playground, the old chant still goes - cheat cheat, never beat. 
 
November 14, 2005, 9:49 am CST

cheating

I once had the opportunity to become "the other woman" 14 yrs ago... I was in my early 30s' However, I mentioned to him that he had more to lose....we ended the affair.... He is still with his wife, however he has his sexual needs taken care of by another woman. He says no one is getting hurt.
 
November 14, 2005, 9:56 am CST

In the middle of IT

My husband of almost 29 years walked out on me 2 days before our 29th anniversary.  He said he still loved me but "was not in love with me anymore".  He has a girlfriend from work....she was married at the time....divorced now.  We have been separated for 5 months, in the middle of a divorce.  He does not pay his spousal support and has been flaunting his affair.  He went on a camping trip with HER with his sisters and spouses.  He is STILL MARRIED.  He says he is only married legally.  What other way is there.  My grandchildren (5 & 10) saw a picture of her and he told them her name.  I have three grown sons.  The youngest wants nothing to do with his dad.  I had no clue this was coming....I could see signs of his depression coming back so I thought that was what his problem was.  What an IDIOT I was.  I am getting counseling and I am doing better....I have good days and bad days.  When I see him.....I think "Who is that person".  How could I have loved him.  We are trying to sell the house, etc.  I am really dreading the holidays.  Can't wait for it to be final. 
 
November 14, 2005, 10:01 am CST

First Wives Club

I just watched the First Wives Club on Dr. Phil.  I have never written to one of these before, but for some reason today I was compelled to write. 

These women are lucky their ex-spouses are healthy.  I would trade infidility any day to have my husband healthy again.  13 years ago he had an aneurysm burst in his brain.  It has been a struggle from day to day to get him to where he is.  And then just this year he started having seizures and has regressed in his progress.  Physically he is fine, but he has lost his short term memory.  He remembers all his family and tells me he loves me at least 100 times a day.  But he is not the same man I married.  I would give him to another women if it would make him well again.  If your husband doesn't want you, then get over it and move on with your life.  It's not the end of the world.   

Also, have these women ever considered turning it all over to God and letting him help them heal and move on. 

 
November 14, 2005, 10:05 am CST

Re:depending on for support

Quote From: lisarbrown

Why do women put themselves in situations that leave them living in poverty? Why do Women leave it up to the man to support them and the (3.5) children? Why do women think they can be the mom of the year and forget about pleasing and putting the husband first in their life ( yes before the kids) Kids will grow up and find love of their own, move out, and live their lives... if a husband and wife don't put each other first what makes them think they will have any kind of relationship after the kids are grown???  

  

For a women to depend on a male for a paycheck is stupid; they need a education so if and when they are needed to support themselves they can.... STOP DEPENDING ON MEN FOR SUPPORT and step up and be strong not a whinny, weak, dependent female.... 

Sometimes it is very necessary for that support money----when your a certain age (up there) and have been married 28 yrs. ---- I have a job--which does not paythat much----I really need that extra $$it's not easy getting a new job at my age--my income is below the poverty line--it sucks!! I don't want his $$ but, the way he treated me after all the yrs. of marriage--and then walking out--out of the blue----I DESERVE all I can get!!Remember--it depends on the individual's story----children, grandchildren ----etc., etc.--thank you Dr. Phil for today's show--(FWC)I wish I was on the show today--mystory is a "dilly"--and I'm still trying to cope on my own----it's very hard--this should be my golden yrs.--and instead--it's my "hell" yrs.----I'm anemotional wreck and financialy broke--I need help bad!!thanks for listening--don't judge untilyou have been there--at this age!!thanks again Robin and Dr. Phil----Call me--I'd love to be on the show----and share my story--maybe it would help someone also--to see that they are not alone----like today's show--I had one hell of a good cry today--watching the show--it helped!!
 
November 14, 2005, 10:10 am CST

11/14 Dr. Phil and Robin's First Wives Club

Quote From: what2do

Yay! 

  

Can't wait for my married boyfriend to walk out on his wife.  I'll be watching this show for sure. 

I am so sorry for you. Left waiting and hoping while a cheat and manipulator strings you along. Sweetie, you are a convenience and an escape for him.  Anyone deserves better than to sit on a shelf like a toy, just to be pulled out once in a while for a bit of fun. 

  

Fantasy relationships like the one you are in can seem very real and, because they aren't real, they can seem perfect.  You don't have any of the problems-you don't have to budget together or divide up the house work-all you have are occasional couplings.  Sex IS fun, no question about that, but  the physical parts are a very small portion of the true joy of a loving relationship. You have no one who will stand beside you in sickness or trouble. You have no one who you know, right down at rock bottom, that is always on your side, who always loves you. It is very liberating to know that you will share your whole life with someone. 

  

I hope you give up this cad and find a man who can truly give you everything.  

  

  

 
November 14, 2005, 10:12 am CST

11/14 Dr. Phil and Robin's First Wives Club

Quote From: bdkrmwpi

As a woman from the other side of the fence, my married boyfriend just left his wife of 23 years and our lives are now fantastic.  I know this may not last a lifetime, but I'm having a great time in the here-and-now and at this moment I don't really care what the future brings, only what today brings.  I just want to say to the first wives out there: if you want to keep your husband from straying with another start treating your husband with respect.  I'm sure this doesn't apply to all married women out there, but I have seen it many times: the wife nags, complains, lets her appearance go, and doesn't want sex anymore and then has to wonder why her husband ends up in the arms of another.  I have also had a marriage where fidelity was an issue so I'm speaking from experience.  Wives: stop treating your husband like he owes you something and start making your husband's happiness a #1 priority.. before someone else does!   

Wow...........is that what you tell yourself (that wives are to blame) so that you can then look at yourself in the mirror? He was married to someone for 23 years and you seem to be proud of the fact that he left his wife for you. All I can say is what goes around, does eventually come around and I do pray that the two of you do not have any children. With morals like both of yours, it's a scary thought what type of humans the two of you would raise.  

Have a nice life................ in the here-and-now of course.. 

 
November 14, 2005, 10:14 am CST

First Wives

Hi, 

  

Well I understand what these women are going through. I gave my live to someone that just took advantage of everything I gave him. Men can be stupid that way. It took me years to get over that and move on. I still have lingering anger towards him and never forget what he did. The difference is I dont dwell on it everyday. I did move on and found someone so special that wouldnt do the things he did.  

  

Thanks for reading. 

Natalie 

 
November 14, 2005, 10:19 am CST

Re:died/mourning

Quote From: lgil40

My husband of 17 years walked out a few years ago. He had been cheating at work  (and other places as well - I keep finding out more).   I know he knows he made a mistake - he has been pretty miserable.  First he was alone and he hated that, then he remarried 2 weeks after our divorce was final - and things have not been good for him.   

  

I seen him when we go to court for child support, which he does not pay.  He does not see our three children very often and he lets them down quite a bit.    He is an emotional wreck but he is just not "owning what he did".  I don't even feel like he is the same person when I see him.  It is very strange when the person you planned on spending the rest of your life with, your hopes, dreams - everything just says - bye.    

  

I don't think I will ever be able to trust anyone again.   

I feel the same way--and it's been 3 yrs. I'm still numb--I will never trust any one again----he did a number on me--but, good!!I'm an emotional wreck and I"m broke too!! Wish I was on the show today!! My story may have helped some- one today----like the FWC helped me some--I had a good cry watching the show today----thank you Robin and Dr. Phil----
 
November 14, 2005, 10:21 am CST

11/14 Dr. Phil and Robin's First Wives Club

Quote From: mistyc

You might think you are cute and smart and sexy right now, because you lured a man away from his family.  Here are a few questions to ask yourselves: What if  you developed breast cancer and had to have one or both of them removed??  what if you were in a car accident that left you with facial scarring or an amputated limb?  How do you plan to stop stretch marks when you become preganant?  if you think "Mr. Wonderful" is going to stand by your side during chemo, or change your diaper, you are so wrong.  At some point we were all pretty young girls, with slim figures and perky breasts, but not even Ponce De Leon couldn't  find the fountain of youth.

I wonder if these women like the prize. They went out to find this "great man" .... I just cant wait til they wake up and smell the coffee and found out how they really are. I laugh at them. Its like the biggest joke and watching a train wreck all in one package. One day these women will learn not to play with other people's toys.  

 
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