Topic : 11/14 Dr. Phil and Robin's First Wives Club

there are 2 kinds...good men who mess up once and constant liers and cheaters....you owe it to your kids to see which one he is and see if he is truly sorry and give a chance for him to make it up to you if he is...... 

  Yes, women who do not work a long time are more vunerable....I would not stay home as long in another life...... 

Read Not Just Friend and Emotional Infidelity...great books on the subject... 

I want to thank everyone who helped bring this subject to life. It was comforting to know that I'm not the only woman who has experienced this. Even though I have been divorced 3 yrs and have married a wonderful man, not a day goes by that I  don't have feelings of guilt and worthlessness. I was married to a man who controlled me with a velvet glove.  A coward that wanted to have his cake and eat it too. Still I blame myself with the "what if" and  "if only I".  I cry almost everyday, hinden and all alone because if my shame.  How do we as woman allow ourselves to become so depended on a man. Why do we allow these men to define our self worth? How can we learn to brake free from all these feelings and become self confident? I thank Dr. Phil for help me start to learn to tell myself..."It was not my fault."  

I will try to keep this short and try not to jump around but I just need to vent.....my mom left my dad 15 years ago, he had a party and changed the locks on the door...you could say he kind of kicked her when she was down, they fought alot when I was young, they just grew apart and I could see that they needed to end it, my dad was extremely outgoing and was said to be having affairs,so why would my mom want to stay in a dead end unhappy marriage?fast foward...she has a dead end job she has been stuck in for 16 years, and complains about it but does nothing to better herself. My sister and I have been through HELL with her in dealing with the issues...we can't even talk about dad have pictures of him around our house(we hide them)our own kids are even starting to realizenot to mention grandpa A in front of Grandma A. Mom has no self worth, she cannot make any decisions, is afraid of change, and brings up the past ALOT, we have learned to choose our words carefully around her. It has caused many a fights and bad feelings between us throught the years. My mom is a classic procrastinator, she is by no means assertive about anything, and she makes lots of excuses.....fast foward September She married the man she has been seeing for the last 11 years....and I feel she is not being fair to him, because he is a really nice guy, believe me he has to be to put up with her not being able to live in the here and now,She nonchalantly told us she was getting married"OH BY THE WAY!", She is dragging her feet  about selling her house and moving in with her husband, she will also need to quit her dead end job, which I keep asking her about and she gets all defensive and says DON'T PUSH ME(ANOTHER INSECURITY ISSUE)She needs counceling, but she won't admit it!I thinnk it is weird that she wants to keep living the way she is and refuses to take the plunge...its like she living a double life..it is complicated but it all stems back to her being with my dad for 21 years...my dad has moved on and he seems happy, but my mom just can't detach herself and move on....it is like my sister and I are constant reminders of the past life that in my opinion was not as good as she could have if she would just live for tomorrow instead of yesterday.... 

I got married soon as I got out of high school, to my high school sweetheart.  We had dated since I was fifteen and he was at the time the one I thought was the "ONE." He had went into the Air Force and I uprooted my life, my dreams and everything I knew to start a life with him five hundred miles away. About six months into our relationship I got bothered because my husband was spending too much time at the neighbors while her husband was at work.  I would come home from work and he would be there.  Time moved on and I got really sick. I had to have a lung operation done in 1999.  I was very sick for a while and too I am diabetic and have been for 24 years. So we moved into base housing.  That was like one huge party place.  Every Friday night we would meet at a couple's house we had met and play card's and just hang out.  I had a met a girl there who had become a good friend to me, well one weekend in March I came back from visiting  my parents he stayed behind and when I returned home my friends told me they saw my husband and my friend kissing on my porch.  I did not believe it but that same week it was a Thursday and he had just came home from work, he told me he loved me but was not in love with me anymore and wanted me to leave.  After begging him for counseling, at the time I would of done anything to keep him, a couple of days later I found out I was pregnant on top of all that was already happening.  My parents were very supportive and I came back home to live with them.  I tried so hard to keep in touch with him but he was always with her I now know.  He denied he had ever cheated but I called his commander because I was hurt, upset and really wanted answers as to where to go from there.  His commander demanded if there was someone else he stop seeing them.  He never did and finally when called upon by the commander a friend of his finally rolled over and told the truth about what was going on.  He had been sleeping with her in his friends house the entire time.  Well three weeks after I left I had been seeing a doctor here in my home state and one week the baby was fine and the next week I went and the baby did not have a heart beat.  I was so stressed until my body could not handle being pregnant.  He came here where I was but he was just plain ugly and here I was thinking we would still work us out.. THAT never happened.  I told him then that he had to chose.. Either her or me, he told me how much he loved me and all this bull.  But he chose himself.. and that being he chose her.  I later found out that he had told her that his mom had open heart surgery is why he came home.  I have not spoke to him since.  THE last thing I ever told him face to face was that I loved him.  For me there was no closure.. I Am remarried now.. I did not give myself time to heal after the first one until I was back in the saddle.  I just at the time wanted to prove to myself that I could move on.  I did I am remarried a little over three years now and I Have a little girl with my husband who is the best gift in my life.  But a part of me is still not whole, a part of me can't love my husband completely because all these what if run through my mind.  I still feel so much pain, for a long while it was like  I was just numbed my it but little by little some of the memories come back and they are still hard to deal with.  As for my ex husband not six months after we got divorced the girl he left me for left him and he came back to live in our sleepy little town.  He had been going around telling everyone terrible lies about how I cheated on him and how I hurt him, and how he is waiting for my husband now and I to brake up because he still loves me just  a lot of nothing is coming out of his mouth.  When people ask me to explain it is just so hard to do so, I Love my husband now he is the best thing that has ever happened to me.  He treats me like a princess and I could never ask for more.  God has truly blessed me in my life.  I just still have a lot of pain, anger and unanswered questions left. To tell the truth though if today I could tell my ex how  I feel I don't think it would not  do any good because he is one of those men who does no wrong and there for he would never see the pain he occurred years ago on  me.   

I can understand completely how those women feel because losing some one you trusted that much is really hard to get over.  I watched Monday and cried like a baby, because for  a long time after I blamed myself wondering what I Could of done different, but I now know that a back bone is the best gift in life.  The one thing I gained from my experience was to grow a back bone.  I Have one now and I am finally seeing the sunshine that was blocked by a dark tunnel.  Good luck in life and Godspeed ahead.. 

This show really hit home with me.  Where love  with a man is concerned, I have had pure HELL in my lifetime. 

At age 20, I married a guy who was a Marine and left me in just 5 months for another woman who looked better to him.  When I was at the courthouse fixing to go in and get the divorce my lawyer asked if I wanted to put him in jail.  I said "why?" and he informed me that my soon-to-be ex had MARRIED this girl he was having the affair with BEFORE we were even divored.  I said "no" becuz he had beaten me up when I found out he was cheating on me.  Needless to say, I was scared of him.  Ten yrs later he called me up to apologize for what he did to me saying this woman he dumped me for dumped HIM for another man after 11 yrs of marriage & 4 kids.  WHAT GOES AROUND SURE DOES COME AROUND!!! 

Then, 2 yrs later I married a guy from my church.  His Mom's best friend warned me that this guy was a big "mama's boy" & I shouldn't marry him.  But, naive me.....I thought that it was a sign that he would make a good husband if he was so good to his mother.  WRONG!!!  On our wedding nite I found he was a 31 yr old virgin who I had to teach about sex and the next morning I thought, "what have I done by marrying this weirdo" who really didn't want sex in the first place.  In just SIX WEEKS, he ran home to his mother saying he just couldn't handle marriage even though I tried to be the "perfect wife" (and believe I was).  He was a Mama's Boy from Hell.  I was crushed something terrible.  We had a new house close to the country club with all new furniture and things that take most couples many years to acquire.  I was just 22 and thought our live together was going to be a DREAM.......instead it was a NIGHTMARE. 

At age 26 I married again and had 3 kids with this man (none with the others).  After almost 28 years of marriage I divorced HIM not becuz of another woman this time.....but becuz he was a cold iceberg who told me after our last kid was born that affection was totally unnecessary.  He did not want to kiss, hug, or hold hands.....this began in his mid-30's.  He also stop caring at all for sex and thought I was weird for wanting it.  I stayed in this several years after our last child was born & then I left him becuz I knew things would never change and I did not want to live forever in a loveless, sexless marriage.  I stayed in it for that long for the sake of the kids, but  I was in very painful depression, so I do NOT recommend staying for the kids' sakes.   

I hope to one day get married to my soulmate, however, I do feel as Dr. Phil expressed......I would rather be single the rest of my life than married to the WRONG person who makes me miserable.  I don't ever want to be unhappy in marriage again.  That is my story......all true.....all painful, but I am doing OK now and going forward with my life.   

Would sure welcome any comments from anybody about my story.  Thanks, Linda 

My heart goes out to these women. No one should go through what they did.  BUT why did they put up with the **** when it was going on?  Even Robin, Phil's wife, has said she told Phil to step off when he got overbearing in their marriage. I  have also in my marriage and so have the husbands to their wives.  No one  should be a doormat to anyone. We all need to learn to speak up for ourselves and say how we feel. As Dr. Phil has said many times.  We teach others how to treat us. So teach them from the beginning---when dating---what you will put up with and what  isn't allowed.  They should know this up front, not after 32 years of marriage.  

Husbands are not the only unfaithful ones in a marriage.  Wives can be the one just as easy.  That is what happened to my hubby.  His wife started running around with her boss and they decided to go off to lala land with each other divorcing their spouses around the same time.  My hubby was devistated when she told him to get out.  Only when the women do it they  also want to take the children with them and start a new life and the old husband better drop dead or else.  It didn't happen that way since my hubby was always a good father and wanted to remain so even though he wasn't wanted as a husband anymore by her. 

So when does the first husband get their show? And when does the second wife get their show?  I didn't meet my hubby until three years after his divorce so I in no way broke up that marriage  nor would I ever think to do such a thing.  I put myself up too high to wait around for scrapes from a married man.  I put my hubby first and he puts me first.  

He is a wonderful husband to me and I think it's because we laid the groundwork for a good marriage.  Dating for three years to get to know each other's values and personalities. He learned his lesson the first time around and told me to tell him what I was thinking.  He never wanted to have to read my mind like he did with his first wife.  I think his divorce taught him lots of things about other people and what to look for and avoid in a new mate. 

I hope these women can learn the same lesson when they get on with their lives.  If they don't they will end up in other disasterous relationships.  My Hubby's ex has been married three times now and divorced three times.  It is always someone else's fault when she is unhappy.  We have the power to be happy or unhappy in our own hands.  When you realize that you will be free.   

The second wife is put through hell since the first wife plays games with the kids to get back at the first husband and I'm sure lots of second husbands have to put up with the first husband if he wants to play games.  So when do these people get their shows?  And of course the kids of divorce, the most innocent of all who are put through hell.  When do they got their show?   

Let me give some advice to the women (especially) out there: 

Make a VOW to yourself that you will NEVER, NEVER, NEVER get involved with a married man.. period!! 

One asked me out......just for a coke.....I said NO, not even something as simple as that because it is WRONG.   

Men seldom EVER leave their wives and families.  They just want some FUN at the other woman's expense.  They will play and play and then when they are tired of you they will DUMP you and go back to their wives and kids.  They will use you just like a blow-up doll. 

I have not experienced any of this firsthand since I have made that vow to myself and kept it......however, I have seen on TV and in movies and in talk shows so many times about how these "players" operate.  They want their cake and eat it, too.  So, WOMEN BEWARE!!!  Don't get sucked in.  "To thine own self....be true"